squirrels-and-whales

[squirrels-and-whales]

Antibiotics are magic. Three doses in and I already feel so much better. I feel so much more like myself and hopeful again.

I'm looking forward to Christmas and that is the best feeling of all!

[squirrels-and-whales]

Happy Solstice. I spent the day in the emergency room.

I'm feeling so frustrated that this recovery is taking so long. And now I have a kidney infection. I feel validated that my pain is 'real' and I'm not just being a complainer but I wish I simply wasn't in any pain at all. I have new antibiotics and additional morphine.

I cried when I talked to the doctor. I was trying to explain how irritable I've been and how I just want to be a good mom to my kids.

The kids have been wonderful. Lots of side cuddles and helpfulness but these are the magic years (5 and 10) and I feel like I'm missing out. All I've been able to do is watch Christmas movies with them. We are going to go for a drive to see lights soon. I hope it's enough. My husband is also making magic (made sure they were ready for all the theme days last week, got the teacher gifts ready, baking with the kids) but I want to do those things too.

Oh and eating is the worst. I can get two or three spoonfuls in and then I'm done. During this season of feasting food brings me no joy and I am sad about that too.

Anyway, hopefully the antibiotics work quickly and I'll stop moaning on here.

[squirrels-and-whales]

I've been home for a week now and it's been really, really nice. The house is all decorated for Christmas and super cozy and it's been so good to be with the children (and for them to still be in school too so I can get rest).

It was all kind of idyllic until tonight.

My kindergartener came home without his snow boots and for whatever reason I lost it. Like full on sobbing and feeling like the worst person ever.

I feel like such a burden on everyone as I still need constant help and can't actually do anything around the house. My risk of bleeding is very high so my husband doesn't even want me to walk up or down stairs unassisted.

To be clear - no one has made me feel like a burden it's all me and my interior voice.

I don't know why the lost snow boots derailed me but they did. I can't do anything about them. I feel like I can't even help with the basic needs of my kids.

I just feel like such a weight on everyone. I cried so hard tonight that my whole abdomen aches and then had to have the damn blood thinner injection.

I just wish I could do more (or really anything). I just wish I could take a break from being unwell. All I do is sleep and sit up with the family.

My husband reminded me that I said I'd go through this (it happens with every surgery) but it doesn't make it easier. I hate the feelings of worthlessness. Like I should never have gotten married etc as I'm no good to anyone.

Even writing here feels like I'm being a complainer.

I hope the feeling passes soon.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Well it's been a rollercoaster of post surgical hospital stay. I came in for surgery on November 25th and am still here! I really, really hope I can go home tomorrow (December 9th) but a lot of that will depend on a scan I have today.

Surgery itself went okay. Although in the surgical prep area my husband and I overheard a bunch of doctors talking about how complicated my surgery was....which wasn't helpful. Especially as the prior surgery was a kidney transplant.

More felt for my husband and sister (my parents were home with my kids) that day as I went to the operating theatre about 7:30am and they didn't get to see me till 11:30pm! What a long, long day for them!

Next couple of days I don't remember much. I did become delirious from pain meds at one point which was again scary for my family.

Next I developed a C. diff infection which was awful. Like terrible, no good, bad in every way. Such such pain.

Pain management throughout has been awful. I am restricted from many types of meds due to my condition so finding a combination that works took forever.

After the infection started to clear up I was still experiencing a lot of focal pain so got sent for a CT. The CT didn't show any specific cause of pain (likely just deep bruising) but did have an incidental finding of an 'ugly' blood clot at my graft site. This was scary as I've actually become temporarily paralyzed from a blood clot before and of course the risk of stroke. So I am glad it was found but also so sad it's delayed my stay. There was lots of talk about whether there should be a surgical removal or treatment with blood thinners. They decided to start with blood thinners so I've been on them for awhile now. I guess my scan today will determine whether I can go home tomorrow (with self injecting blood thinners) or have to stay and possibly have a second surgery.

I really, really want to go home. I miss my kids so much. I miss my bodily autonomy and privacy. I miss my husband (who I sent home this week asvtye kids needed him more) and bed and Christmas tree and real life.

I'm still in pain but I know I'll feel so much better in my own space.

Friends and neighbours have been amazing to my family. There is a meal train and today they've been invited to make gingerbread houses at a neighbours home. The kind of neighbour that does everything from scratch. I hope my kids have felt surrounded by love.

Anyway, please send good wishes that I get to go home tomorrow. It's my husband's birthday (happy birthday to him, 😂).

[squirrels-and-whales]

One week till surgery.

I have this week off to get my life together. Meeting a friend for lunch today and doing some errands afterward.

Some to-dos for this week:

Trying to get every piece of laundry, bedding, towels etc. washed to make my husbands life easier post surgery.

Want to fully clean out my bedroom so it's a comfortable place to be - we had a giant renovation this summer and sort of lived out of our bedroom for awhile (had a make shift kitchen set up in the office etc.) and have not fully put everything back into place.

Wrap all Christmas presents - make sure we are all set. I need something else for my husband.

Order husbands birthday cake and arrange with my friend to drop it off. His birthday is in December and I want him to feel special even if he's needs are subsumed with being my caregiver.

Get all the winter stuff out. Already bought new snowsuits but haven't gotten all the mitts, hats, etc. organized. Wild that it's late November and we haven't needed any of these things.

Grocery shop for easy to prepare food. My parents will stay with my kids for at least a week while I'm in hospital and my husband is staying in Toronto with me.

Write out a document of instructions for my parents.

Buy and wrap two sets of birthday presents for the kids who have birthday parties to attend. I want their lives to be as normal as possible while I am under.

Deep clean the house.

Cook up a bunch of Christmas treats.

It's really strange not knowing how long I'm predicted to be in hospital. Could be a week, could be 10 days, could be weeks.

It's also strange cause I feel absolutely fine right now. Like I can do all my usual things - no pain, fatigue, symptoms etc. and I know I will feel much, much worse after. I think most people go into surgery feeling awful and then the surgery is a relief (even if you are healing.) It was like that when I had my hysterectomy. This is so different.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Had my pre-op/pre-admission today. Full day in Toronto including nearly three hours driving home due to Swift mayhem (twice the time it should have taken). It was fun seeing all the outfits though!

I'm mostly doing okay but this is not a minor surgery. When the experts are like "this is a doozy" you know it must be. I mean, they see things all the time. Nothing routine about this one.

Did almost yell at a number of people for not wearing masks properly...in the f'n hospital. If you have it on under your nose what's even the point? I kept it together...but yelling at strangers (or wanting to) lets me know maybe Im more stressed than I realize.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Writing my last post made me feel much better. I get why people actually share consistently around here.

It’s November – the countdown is now officially on until my surgery on November 25th. It was also my last day in the office as I am working remotely for the next two weeks to avoid getting sick. I work with university students, and they are universally germy. Student housing will do that.

It was weird carrying out my office plants and a many of my personal effects. I won’t be back in the office until March at the earliest!

October was great. I kept very busy including throwing my five year old the Halloween party of his dreams (there were games! And food! And decorations!). It was definitely a coping mechanism to keep myself distracted…but hopefully a healthy one?

This weekend is all about getting the Christmas decorations up. I like doing that early anyway as it’s such a dark time of the year…this year more so than most. But also, I need to have all Christmas things in place before surgery. Will get everything all wrapped up (jokes!) before going into the hospital. I kind of love doing that so I am glad I am giving myself enough time to get everything done and to still enjoy it.

My older kid is having an after school playdate right now and having two neurodivergent kids on a playdate is kind of hilarious – moving from activity to activity in record speed. We actually just encouraged screentime so that they’d settle…with a huge bin of lego to keep them engaged. Honestly the sweetest pair of 10 year olds though.

Happy Friday.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Today is hard.

(Under a cut as I talk about death and medical things.)

It’s been one year since my very dear friend died of cancer at 39. He and I met at 14 and were instant best friends (along with two others – we were nerds and called ourselves the ‘Core Four’) until the end. He left behind three little ones – the youngest was only six months when he died and the oldest was seven. He moved to Nebraska (where is wife is from) but came back to Canada to die so I was fortunate to be able to spend a lot of time with him and his family in the last month and a half of his life. This season has brought up a lot of feelings and processing.

Not least of which is my own health stuff – I have a connective tissue disorder and form aneurysms throughout my body. I didn’t know about this at all until I was 24 and had emergency AAA repair while living overseas away from my family. My 20s were all about major surgeries with my last ‘big surgery’ in 2011 (open heart surgery of my aortic root). (I’ve had other surgeries in the meantime – a partial mastectomy and total hysterectomy but these seem smaller in comparison to my vascular surgeries even though both came with cancer scares).

I have found the last year tricky as I definitely have survivors’ guilt – I’m the ‘sick’ one and yet here I am. Another person from the Core Four has type 1 diabetes and we’d dark humour our way through - joking around about being ‘on borrowed’ time. And it’s true. Without life saving medicine I’d have been dead at 24 and he at 6…but instead it was our beautiful, generous, loving friend dead at 39.

And now, well after a decade of no vascular surgery I am having another major one (likely the most major one to date) in November. I’ve been good at dissociating (cause what else can I do?) but I am scared – not so much for the surgery itself (my surgeon is top notch – like #1 vascular surgeon in Canada)…but how my life might change. And I feel guilt because at least I’m still here. And then I feel guilt that I am making this about myself.

The surgeon did say ‘you aren’t in your 20s anymore) and the potential complications are high. Will I be able to return to work? Will I be able to parent my children the way they deserve? Will I be a burden on my husband?

But I’m here…and my friend is not.

[squirrels-and-whales]

I can't as I'm a recipient (and was when I lived in England too, and mad cow is still a worry...but the rules in Canada have recently relaxed). Anyway, a category about whether you've received donated blood would be interesting too!

[squirrels-and-whales]

My daughter is in the fourth grade and is really struggling academically. She is a smart kid but that does not translate to doing well in school (though she is a great reader!). She has ADHD and an IEP but there are not many supports that the school can provide. It's frustrating. It seems like school only focuses on behavioural needs. Since she's not disruptive she doesn't get services.

We are thinking of putting her into Educational Therapy. Has anyone else done this? I like the holistic approach versus tutoring but it's intense! She'd miss two afternoons of school per week which is a lot. And of course it's $$$ as well.

"Educational therapy isn’t the same as tutoring. Traditional tutors focus on academics. Educational therapists use a broader approach. And educational therapists may have more experience working with kids with learning and thinking differences.

For example, if your child has and math anxiety, a tutor might practice math problems over and over. An educational therapist, on the other hand, might see that your child struggles with number sense. The therapist might teach your child strategies for recognizing basic number facts or suggest . The therapist might also teach your child coping skills for anxiety."

Anyone have experience with this? Or pulling your child out of school for so much of the week?

[squirrels-and-whales]

Here it is! 

Also, we are about to (hopefully, cause I’ve been saying this for nearly a year!) start a renovation on our new house and I can’t get enough of people’s own pictures! 

Calling all interior designers. I need to figure out a door for this little crawl space storage closet. It’s built into our knee wall and I’m planning to store our Christmas tree and Christmas decorations in there so I should only need to access it a couple of times a year. I have no idea how to create a door to close this space up yet still allow access when needed. Any thoughts?

I am thrilled that our floors are done and we are moving on to the next steps in finishing this space!

[squirrels-and-whales]

And now my region as again instituted a work from home mandate (all employees who can work from home must work from home.)

For context, there are 149 active cases in my city of 150,000.

Like, is omicron not changing things where you are?

I never post really but something really strange about social media is having a front row seat to how differently people are living everywhere.

@bumblemama started a post how what covid living looks like where you are - access to vaccines, boosters, mask mandates etc. My situation is pretty much the same but from what I see here and on insta there are some big differences from how some of you are living:

Our news/media/officials all acknowledge that covid is still serious and policies are in place. Mask mandates were never dropped and we've needed proof of vaccination to go to restaurants etc.

I haven't returned to in person work. I was supposed to go part time in January but that's been postponed.

There are no Christmas concerts. Parents aren't allowed inside schools or even on the playground.

Kids wear masks at school and any activities like dance class.

It's so strange to see pictures of kids concerts with children crowded together without masks abs shout singing. Makes me feel itchy!

What's really strange about this is that until omicron our numbers really weren't bad here but we were still mostly living like they were. (Seems to be bad everywhere now though.)

So strange to see pictures of friends and family loving in the US and UK living pretty normal lives out in crowds while the numbers were terrible.

Even now with omicron, we seem to be back in crisis and I see people still having events. It's like a different reality!

[squirrels-and-whales]

Oh, and schools will likely move back to remote learning after the holidays. That's a huge one!

I never post really but something really strange about social media is having a front row seat to how differently people are living everywhere.

@bumblemama started a post how what covid living looks like where you are - access to vaccines, boosters, mask mandates etc. My situation is pretty much the same but from what I see here and on insta there are some big differences from how some of you are living:

Our news/media/officials all acknowledge that covid is still serious and policies are in place. Mask mandates were never dropped and we've needed proof of vaccination to go to restaurants etc.

I haven't returned to in person work. I was supposed to go part time in January but that's been postponed.

There are no Christmas concerts. Parents aren't allowed inside schools or even on the playground.

Kids wear masks at school and any activities like dance class.

It's so strange to see pictures of kids concerts with children crowded together without masks abs shout singing. Makes me feel itchy!

What's really strange about this is that until omicron our numbers really weren't bad here but we were still mostly living like they were. (Seems to be bad everywhere now though.)

So strange to see pictures of friends and family loving in the US and UK living pretty normal lives out in crowds while the numbers were terrible.

Even now with omicron, we seem to be back in crisis and I see people still having events. It's like a different reality!

[squirrels-and-whales]

I never post really but something really strange about social media is having a front row seat to how differently people are living everywhere.

@bumblemama started a post how what covid living looks like where you are - access to vaccines, boosters, mask mandates etc. My situation is pretty much the same but from what I see here and on insta there are some big differences from how some of you are living:

Our news/media/officials all acknowledge that covid is still serious and policies are in place. Mask mandates were never dropped and we've needed proof of vaccination to go to restaurants etc.

I haven't returned to in person work. I was supposed to go part time in January but that's been postponed.

There are no Christmas concerts. Parents aren't allowed inside schools or even on the playground.

Kids wear masks at school and any activities like dance class.

It's so strange to see pictures of kids concerts with children crowded together without masks abs shout singing. Makes me feel itchy!

What's really strange about this is that until omicron our numbers really weren't bad here but we were still mostly living like they were. (Seems to be bad everywhere now though.)

So strange to see pictures of friends and family loving in the US and UK living pretty normal lives out in crowds while the numbers were terrible.

Even now with omicron, we seem to be back in crisis and I see people still having events. It's like a different reality!

[squirrels-and-whales]

I’ve been offered a new job at my work (yay!) but I think I overshot it when negotiating and now I feel like a big jerk and am self destructing. Ugh.

Honestly though in my current department it would have been totally expected and my ask reasonable. Apparently this isn’t the case at my new office? Basically I was asking for the same amount that people in the role for a decade are getting (which I didn’t know). I honestly feel like the problem is that they are getting paid too low rather than that I am asking for too much. Plus I never expected what I asked for. But I thought you were supposed to overshoot in negotiations? I based the number after talking to a couple of women that I consider mentors!

I just hope it doesn’t mean that I start my new role under awkward circumstances!

[squirrels-and-whales]

Continuing the trend of only posting when things are strssful or bad, a friend of mine from high school last died last night while on duty as a police officer. If you are Canadian you've likely seen his face all over the news. He was the kindest, wonderfully weird person. And it seems terribly unfair.

I can't keep thinking about how last night while I was cozy and playing trivial pursuit with my husband at home he was dying.

I'm also worried about my six year old daughter. She is just so angry. I'm going to seek out therapy for her this week. I've been saying that for awhile but I need to actually do it. It also seems terribly unfair. She is a great kid and I hate that she has this extra struggle. I worry that I can't be good enough for her. Patience patience patience.

[squirrels-and-whales]

Daube Provençal: as delicious as I remembered.

This time I cooked it covered in a Dutch oven in the oven at 300° instead of on the stovetop, and I will do that from now on. It keeps things at a constant low heat, and you don't have to babysit the pot at all.