ssimontis
Manic Impressive
The writings of Scott Simontis
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You said I'm emotionally unavailable but really I'm just sick of having my cards on the table
I thought you were willing and able to do the right thing but you just wanted to enable
My deepest fears of rejection to your complete and sickening satisfaction
Mind games we played like every day with no clear winner, patience growing thinner
What happened to the beginning drawing us so close perfection almost achieved
But broken down on a frequent basis as we continued to be deceived
The vibes I received from you so hostile and guarded, covered in darkness
But we could never stay apart just like white trash drawn to Wal-Mart
Somehow we reached the conclusion that misery together was better
Then the chance to be independent and forget how we're so codependent
I swear you almost killed me even though those situations were my decision
All those fights we had left a deep incision I still feel today never going away
It was all too inconvenient to make the right mutual decision
It's a big warning sign when everyone you know demands you cut ties
But we were blind from reality or maybe you all this time knew exactly
What you were doing from this situation improving at my expense
And now we detest the thought of speaking again or ever making amends
An abrupt sense of closure that arrived too fast for me to process
I'm not proud of how I acted but looking back it was survival of the fittest
And now I have the chance to make up all the opportunities we missed
I never knew how to define exactly what we were becoming
Just when we got close things would flip and never get resolved
Bringing up old disagreements to act self-righteous never leaving it behind us
What we had decayed in the start when we got wrapped up in vices that harmed us
Our reckless self-destruction the love triangle that bound us for fleeting months
The closer we got the less I knew you, should have been a sign the relationship was through
Nothing to compare it to the things we got into so surreal looking back
Now that I've escaped I finally found a growing sense of inner peace
But the distorted attraction we had still haunts me in my sleep
The whole experience something I hope beyond hope I will never repeat
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Waiting for the time, I'm not sure when to say my lines
When the moment comes how is it that I want to be defined
In dreams, I've told you more than I could ever know
But still I'm frightened, now it's time to run the show
Those things seemed so real, more than I could ever hope to feel
And I awoke unsettled, reluctant to push down the pedal
Because everything last night so vivid is not part of the world we live in
Just frayed ends of my memories, impulses no one committed
So tonight I stand here, unsure of what I'm getting in
Replay it all from past and future as if the world ran without sin
I played it through a thousand times and never quite truly found my in
I wish you'd say it, no prompt or effort on my part
After all we've gone through I'd like to think it's all within you
But our path is so hard to define just like all the things I've been through
Never sure what it amounts to, things too small for me to count
Maybe my interpretation of the situation is all too flawed
Reading clues that never were whatever you might have intended
Am I ready to go steady or are we both unready to move on
Years go by marking a confusing past we both deny
The former highlights of my day no longer seem to be so fine
As I wonder if these frequent conversations are bound to unwind
You saw me open up to things I swore would remain covered
Nothing sure to leave a positive impression that could impact your decision
But I'm sick of all the harmless lies pretending that all of life is fine
I'll be the first to now admit it if everyone will permit it
Disconnected dialogs carried out through many, thoughts not worth a single penny
With this present situation I'll never come to complete decisions
The logical path presented so clear but blocked beneath my deepest fears
Pretending those are losing you when everything points to losing self-control
The crooked truths I tell myself somehow realized for a short time
While no one has said it, I know my life direction must be realigned
Quit pretending everything is okay while all my growth is in decay
I find myself full of anger at work I never tried hoping easy growth would find me
Sleepless nights lost in my mind and never finding clear direction
My life's trajectory falling short of the projected path I hoped to report
But time moves slowly, indifferent to my struggles which sometimes seems unmerciful
Days strung together in reckless order bound to make goals seem unclear
So I wait for another day when maybe I'm bound to become the one
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Digital Romance Brought to You by Pixar
I hate this Disney shit I want the end of it Television romances speaking to the masses While life situations just pass us by I don't believe in magic and it's not tragic Connections aren't formed they're taken by bandits As if a moment in the street is all we ever need To sow our seed in a future prepackaged like the goods we worship I say it's time to call the bullshit Life situations never happen like that You think a glance passing by can start a romance? I might have never learned to dance, the clubs weren't for me and the bars were too far out We don't know ourselves these days and that's the price we pay All interconnected technology our human side has bested We can't interact without a glowing white screen Blue light fatigues the mind but fairly tales corrupt our minds We pick and choose partners with a swipe left or right When technology went cordless it took away our courtship We forget the ones around us the friends that surround us I never took chances because the consequences were too rancid But all of life is a game to create decay and betray I was afraid of failure to the point I couldn't bear Harboring emotions so dark they sent me into depression But nothing stays forever the people in our lives stay never You have to take chances to win take risks for a spin A coward in social interactions I've always been But are our new methods of selection a glorious resurection? All I needed to do was talk to you We sat across from each other and I let my favorite code Form a fearful abode where you didn't exist so I couldn't resist The guilt and frustration of the chances daily wasted From the moment I saw you I knew that I wanted you But direct confrontation was never my style Irony takes time because distance so limited now grows infinite Medications meant to slow my mind left me feeling restless The proposed feeling of calm not going to make these frustrations fall I now crave human contact when I took it out of the contract Trained to isolate by all the shit I loved to freebase well All of the time lost in my mind playing back fantasies I could never turn into reality With that attitude I knew couldn't bring positivity and So I came to work every day with half a brain to avoid the insane Thought that you and I would get caught in something worth more than my lot I tried to impress you the issues I dozed for you The music we shared but of shallow talk I was aware And every time I saw you react to another person I felt like being stabbed in the back But insecurity paralyzed me the fears were the worst in me It took me giving up everything I had just to finally take a chance Most of my crew came from a life I barely knew At this present moment but they were my biggest proponents Maybe it was liquid courage maybe I finally conquered the scourge of my reluctant ways But by the pool side that day I finally felt related to the person I debated Approaching every day hoping it would be the time I found my way To make the perfect move that doesn't exist no matter how hard I wish The last time I fell so fast it's a miracle that some of it could last Two lives torn apart in a passionate reaction with consequences unexpected So I learned to take it slow because I can't take that blow again Never physical but like I know battery can come emotionally I might not have fully learned that lesson that'll be a confession But the way we hit it off just made me more pissed off About days weeks and months where I was reluctant as fuck To put myself out there no matter how much it could suck Time is ironic but I'm not laughing I'm gasping At the stupidity and ludicrously hesitant ways before I went away For all this talk of contact physical but not in the sense your mind is going It only took hours for those barriers to fall away And now I have to hope that what we built that day will cease to decay But I ran out of time and chances and it was time to flee Mostly to get away from me but the side I hated came along anyway And now we're back to electrifying friendship through digital networks At least I get a paycheck to keep those messages flowing Hoping you are knowing my aims I pray won't end up in dismay True you never saw the sides of me my destruction abided by But thank God I had the chance to find a new path You understood some of the parts of me less than good But if you saw me honest I think I could be understood I missed the best chance but hopefully it won't be the last But the development to my restless dreams are now dependent On text messages I'm afraid to send Deleting every word seeking the perfect phrase my mind can mend I forgot how infatuation is such an appealing reaction My mind revving up before it's time to even get up But the determined part of my swears never to give up There's always fear of failure and this situation is nothing different When I stand outside ai can at least calm my mind But secretly I'm plotting the next steps to somehow get you on my doorstep I have a fragile ego something that grows into something fanciful Caught in between blind belief and fears Im scared I will never defeat As much as I hated on the networks we try to build love upon Now I find it my only chance at getting to the end of this A part of me can see the outcome doesn't matter All these hopes and dreams are easy to scatter But I pray for something better even though the odds are slowing If I'm persistent with the system I criticized for deafening our lives I've never stood strong in all my beliefs, but that's everyone's case to my relief The things I hate on I know have to wait on When that message finally reached you what are you gonna do? I have it all planned out, I manned up and made the rounds But depending on your reaction it might turn into a frown Only time will tell if I keep up with digital persistence Are my intentions worthless banter or is there something growing That we both are feeling and knowing I know there are others countless choices and growing But I maintain a single focus that's what calms my mind the most I wish you could get these intentions by osmosis I just have to continue to try until my intentions are clear in your mind Maybe I'm ill-adjusted this wouldn't be the first time But something deep inside me wants you to be mine I'm in this for the Long haul there's no going back like Total Recall My friends tell me to cool it maybe it's not worth pushing it Life has passed me by about a million different times I'm sick of being paralyzed in wonder if what could have happened down under I've got a lot of possibilities and probabilities to calculate right now But when I stop the computation it's you who seems like the mountain I want to climb and get to know the ssence of your inner flow I've been afraid to be a full person maybe you could complete me Surviving every day is the biggest goal that has to stay But I don't need a reminder to send some lustful thoughts your way This obsession might be another hard lesson My mind works in cycles that my ilness refines Some of the compulsions obsessions and cycles Take my train off thought off the track for miles They say I have trouble approaching reality Not like psychosis but I don't see things like most of us So as I stare at a screen writing well intentioned poetry All I can hope for is that the words come out direct on the floor I never set expectations my intentions always blurry clear But can I write the message that will synchronize our minds Right now we're in first gear and I keep stalling out But once you put that clutch down it's easy to get around Let's take this into fifth gear I just need words like Shakespeare Risks I'm now willing to take because here I have no one else to relate Maybe times will change and I'll downshift our route But in the present moment climbing those gears is a concern to severe Maybe I'll get over it meet people and forget the Ritz But as of right now this growth is what I'm hunting down I have friends to guide me who expect me to rely On their advice and guidance when I get out of line But on this they said fuck it, abandon hope you Miss's I know my priorities are disorder I need to beat this present day But thoughts of the future keep me away I can't hold them at Bay Sleepless nights spend debating if my actions are creating A framework we can work with and build up a system That I've been planning in my mind, got it so well defined Tomorrow I wake up and hustle my goals practical and actionable But I'm looking for a chance to change my stance and spend some time on this Can I win you over or will life tell me "Go Fish"
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Chasing Amy
I had to get faded just to feel like I’m not hated
Begging to be free but always motivated to flee
The clock ticks and it makes me fucking sick
The sand in the hourglass defining leased time
Spent a quarter of my life dedicated to the flight
Every fear in my mind makes me one of a kind
Common forces define us getting caught up in the lust
Fantasies I play back when I know things will go bust
Love’s the metaphorical chain that keeps us all sane
I severed all the links each time I continued to sink
I’m in the sea dawg, but forgot a fishing rod
Self hatred won’t define me all the things that I can be
The survivor mentality slowly turns into reality
I see the light in the tunnel as my hopes fall through the funnel
I want to dig into the passion that’s the latest trendy fashion
If it feels good on the surface nothing bad can lurk below it
People chasing all desires lighting moral directions afire
A generation so self-centered there’s no room for new mentors
There’s got to be a greater good equipped to help me leave this hood
A stronger sense of direction you can’t fight like an infection
A universal truth that every molecule must sleuth
I see people on the horizon that’ll keep my eyes on
Knowing things will not be right when I further my old sight
The first crisis averted, the fear first diverted
Started feeling my flows getting out before the snow
A hustler’s ambition minus all the shit with blow
Girl you’ll know it when I hustle you’ll feel it with every single muscle
If you wait for my return it might be the prognosis you’re insane
You’ve got to learn to trust me that there’s more than basic lust
But first I need to find good fortune as every man should
I don’t know if I can be patient enough to resist calling the bluffs
If you think opposites attract there’s nothing that I lack
You’ll know once you find this road how willing I can be to go
If you follow in my footsteps that all you should need to know
The survivor mentality slowly turns into reality
I see the light in the tunnel as my hopes fall through the funnel
I want to dig into the passion that’s the latest trendy fashion
If it feels good on the surface nothing bad can lurk below it
I’m done chasing the dragon with acute fascination
You probably won’t believe since I’m known to deceive
But if you take this gamble I know you will eventually believe
I didn’t know you were my muse, you got me all confused
We’ve got a situation I’m always willing to be facing
I’m presently plotting our escape with all thoughts racing
Like a nerd subscribed to Pewdie Pie, if you get the reference I defined
Pop culture references the things that my mind somehow refines
It’s time to swoop in like a ninja, you never thought like this, did ya?
By that look right now I’d bet your wits are terrified
You never thought you’d reach this place, I read it in your gentle face
I know I’m egotistical to the point that it seems mystical
But when I see someone like you, you spark my life anew
Let’s try and see this through, imagine all that we can do
Things about to get primitive with no emotions to be limited
I was worried for a while you’d perceive me how I used to be
The demons in my head so palpable the whole world could read
The survivor mentality slowly turns into reality
I see the light in the tunnel as my hopes fall through the funnel
I want to dig into the passion that’s the latest trendy fashion
If it feels good on the surface nothing bad can lurk below it
I spent the prime years so far in life in what I thought was the greatest fight
To shield the way I feel so much you’d think my heart gtrew cold
It still gives me chills, the things I used to call my thrills
My darkest emotions life’s only source of locomotion
I used to wear anger on my sleeve along the crooked path I’d leave
Pretending there’s no human needs that’s the way I used to be
Violence comes in many forms, physically, mentally, emotionally
The latter two my favorite weapons since this dark chapters inception
I ignored the fact my devotion to those closest rarely got that notion
The music will go on, but some lives aren’t near that long
The first time that I opened up it seemed like it was out of luck
Sometimes the stars divine align, God above does give us signs
The finest moments in my life about to be redefined
But underneath the good I sought lie forces fate had uninvited
The way I saw relationships turned into the titanic ship
I found that my infatuation was the force behind that notion
The situations so obscene that kindness I could not believe
The people close to me the means by which I was deceived
Finally life gained some traction before my typical reaction
Ego-driven self destruction wrapped in a constructor function
Once I learned I was diseased this endless cycle I hoped to cease
My notions of trust I soon found were bound to self-destruct
People I could hold at bay building anxiety surely relayed
Hoping not to be exposed, vulnerability no longer a possibility
The survivor mentality slowly turns into reality
I see the light in the tunnel as my hopes fall through the funnel
I want to dig into the passion that’s the latest trendy fashion
If it feels good on the surface nothing bad can lurk below it
Circumstances unforeseen forced me to move to a new scene
They say time heals all things for once I believed a new possibility
A world in flux God did construct, something I could not destruct
Powerlessness in this world a fact I now had to insist
Motivation comes from distant places my mind erases
Deeds focused on averting the crisis humankind now faces
I can see it in your eyes you might just give it a try
Complicated situations hoping to avoid all altercations
Can we go behind the scenes to avoid all these debris
The greatest weight’s on you if you want to see this through
I wish the forces in my mind could set the courses of our lives
Geographical distance turns feelings into lackluster statistics
But probabilities eventually are given possibilities
We can’t escape our fates when God declares our time
The survivor mentality slowly turns into reality
I see the light in the tunnel as my hopes fall through the funnel
I want to dig into the passion that’s the latest trendy fashion
If it feels good on the surface nothing bad can lurk below it
Once my brother Ross died, I no longer felt alive
Everything I lived for flew right out the fucking door
The fragility of all our lives I could never now ignore
Lost in silent contemplation of futile hopes my mind does pour
I did all the things I swore my philosophy made an impossibility
I chased shallow validation my actions further complications
All the rules I lived for now a demon my deeds further seeded
Corruption brings complete destruction of the love that shines from above
I drove to his house that night not expecting all the flashing lights
Red and blue, sirens wailing as my courage started trailing
I thought I was tough enough to make a stand but the police made me land
Falling in the lawn my tears continued until the next dawn
My best friend had met his end that body bag brought down the stairs
Wasn’t him his soul expired another chance at life he had desired
Fear taking hold as we both turned blue, we both turned blue
I could not accept in my distant heart his life on Earth was through
A po tried to take my keys, he know what I was goin’ through
The loss a complication to trust I could no longer view
Things close to me destroyed time and time again
It’s no wonder all this breaking down made my faith find more constrictive bounds
I wanted to say it was me, the explanation valued simplicity
But some things are beyond our wills let that take away your thrills
Situations rise and fall in line extending to the ends of time
Tempting us to render missing logic with thoughts bounding monotonic
The universe has rules but defining them is for simple fools
You have to play your hand as best as your mind quickly can
The people in and out of motion slowly become the tools devoted
To learning the game of instincts by which rationality sinks
The survivor mentality slowly turns into reality
I see the light in the tunnel as my hopes fall through the funnel
I want to dig into the passion that’s the latest trendy fashion
If it feels good on the surface nothing bad can lurk below it
This generation is not okay give them something to take pain away
Fuck this game where we all are frontin’ pretending all of life means nothin’
The vague moments that my mind persists all my experiences do consist
Lessons I cannot resist not making the connection to later fascinations
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Tour the post-millenium apocalypse given to my generation
More lost than Louis and Clark without Sacagewea
Forming artifical worldviews caught up in global internetworking
Check out this web y'all we're all caught in the mesh
Dreamscape reality plastered nightly on my porch
Go back to the lobby declare opean season on the origin
Seek truth away from home in a digital synthesis
Analog pictures recreated and we all ignore the loss
Ingrained sense of morals nurtured from an early age
But knowledge tells me of no escape that I cannot create
Hunting highways stripes consumed by engine blocks
Looking for all the answers, Man, my life's a disaster
Never finding home motion always perpetual, pacing
Elevated sense of worth stimulated while we're all spacing
Death of a nation by the birth of a generation
Tune in, tune out, too busy listening to my stereo
The meaning in my life replaced by too much irony
Make your way through the layers, cut through that cake
Find the message at depth, what the coach had to say
I left all my words at home, have to leave just to stay
Stop by the party call it a major reroute
Forgot my final destination when my car door closed
Can't read the maps the directions were my own
And I'm stuck beneath a strobelight miscommunication in the fray
Wrong place Wrong person Wrong time to be me
Welcome to Wonderland, is your name Alice?
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Staring at the sun
When I don't give a fuck
Tracing paint along the ceiling
When you lose all those earthly feelings
Sedated smiles with no meaning
When you can't say what you're thinking
And everything's so lucid
Everything's so clear
I painted us this picture
Floating away from here
I don't have the time
To explain just what it's like
When you know you've lost your mind
And you float beyond your eyes
You don't know what I'm saying
None of this encoding
But believe me when I spill my heart
About the way I felt today
And everything's so lucid
Everything's so clear
I painted us this picture
Floating away from here
Well I've wasted your time
And I think I'll spare the rest of mine
The day's so long when there's nothing
For you to do to think to say
I feel so warm and calm inside
You no longer have to hide
And neither do I
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Life’s a razor gotta take the edge off
Thoughts blunted sensations since I reached sixteen
Teenage rebel mapped to well known spirals
Keep it natural, the path all spelled out
Faith breeds hope but shipped it off by eighteen
First day of college so ignorant eager
Let the music guide me, trance on repeat
The golden rule’s silence but my mind amplified secrets
Doctors prescribed me the best antidepressants
All I prayed for was anxiety treatments
All I craved for was anxiety treatments
One year forgotten, hazy and my thoughts lazy
Accepted fate’s answer before I asked any questions
Living two lives you can call me Bruce Wayne
Invisible in the night but a giant within my mind
Multiple realities dreamscape Disney
Turbulent thought storms cycling on horizon
More unexpected than Georgia’s weather forecast
My relationships cruisin’ like the Titanic
Missed my chance freezed up call me Youtube
First come first serve hope the thought’s right
But you used me like Lee Harvey Oswald
Made me cynical all the way to hypocritical
Preaching the bright side surrounded by darkness
Building rainbows from my ashes lightless
Snow flurry comin’ where’s my log cabin?
Avalanches running ready for the comedown?
Muted thoughts, time to build my speakers
Tell the world why I’m so manic
Met a hipster but she was just a trickster
Left me hangin’ like a decade way past us
Missed signs, did I run a red light?
Primal instinct always tells me to take flight
Blueprints in my mind, hello Mr. Lloyd Wright
Plans executed worse than Haliburton
Printing notes since the ink is final
My song ended, don’t wait for the vinyl
Phone call stopped me, waited for the dial tones
A trivial assignment saved my whole life
Took me five months to synchronize my life
How’s that to break the Tootsie Pop center?
Looked back at another year wasted
Pain killed but emotions all hastened
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Sitting outside the cafe this winter, clear skies leave the mind likewise
Still life moment captures time; the populace imprisoned by unending flux
Hundreds pass by the hour, nameless faces engaged in aimless business
Guests of the city's static grids hosting their dynamic transitions
Amused by the sight of pen and paper's disciple, the onlookers afford to pay me a glance
Unaware of their inevitable ever approaching death
While tourists march in family circles cameras pointing to all foreign labels
Overjoyed by new sights and sounds parents drag jet-lagged children forever forward
As days go by eager joy slowly fades from overloaded stimuli
Holiday homesickness preoccupies the mind
The days of rest remaining a countdown to the comfort of labor
Natives slip by the near-still sightseer stream
Expressionless faces centered towards regular destinations
The sacred sights once mentioned no longer possessing wonder
Looking instead at the ground as instinct takes pace
Another bar trick to master, cigarette dangling from the limits of lips
Church bells ring in the distance as the pious pick up speed praying for good seats
Amidst all the commotion I sit, happiness achieved finally, rest among the bustling
Unique in my choices through restless confusion
For all the commotion and people surrounding, isolated from the world in a way so ironic
Worldly experience forms a barrier leaving no way to reach out to the masses before me
People passing by shift form into ghosts
No chance for human contact a stranger faces these lands
For all the sights by day the well-traveled plead others to see
I find my solace wandering the streets with no goal or ambitions drawn upon my lips
People and buildings to observe and appreciate alike, but a city cannot be known until traveled by night
The truths barren at once and hidden to no one; streets abandoned become formless shapes
I walk back to my shelter having seen it all, the visions exposed fully and the buildings alight
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Nervous breakdowns looking at my shadow
Lost connections, distant reflections
A hundred voices dueling to make my mind right
Make my mind fight, make my thoughts right
Some grab the needle and some drown the bottle
Empty silence, Roaring silence
Close my eyes and peer into darkness
Hold the picture, hold the picture
The darkest corner tells me one day's wasted
The black hole's closer, always closer
I watch the sun set but I know it rises
Hope it rises, plead it rises
The empty streets somehow give me solace
No direction, no destinations
I slur my speech towards every evil creature
Every demon, every heathen
Strangers stop along their path to gaze right at me
Look right to me, look right through me
A sudden awakening shakes me from my one escape
Cold and trembling, weak and weary
Try to reason with the clock before me
Ticking slowly, appointments approaching
Try to beg for help between the crying
Broken voices, trembling voices
Try to reason with a distant stranger
No one listens, moving further
Ignore my pain to reach out to others
No appreciation, no suffering lifted
Wake up early to pick out daily faces
Never admired, call for help unnoticed
Waking from dreams finding hostile surroundings
Broken fantasies, Lives moved forward
Days progressing in slow motion timeframe
No one notices, only my disassociation
Try to care and show compassion goodwill
Repressing control, selfish control
Pushing forward with entire will and soul
Passing by, only cutting slightly by
Silent suffering that no one can describe
Some understand already, most will never be cursed to try
Hopes and dreams of a brighter gleaming future
Holding on today, just for off chance tomorrow
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Another night spent brooding, human contact withdrawal willing
Watching lines of cars abandon lined parking spaces
City blocks closing down with gasping breaths slowly fading
Business by business locking up lights summing to silence
The streets now empty concrete devoid of rubber contact
Not even police cars passing lights flashing spotlights searching
On the edge of their patrol zone afraid to pass invisible borders alone
The streets only traveled by ragged drifters with no home to return
As they edge along slowly peddling wares and pity pennies to any soul listening
While I stand by the window thoughts affixed solely on you
Torn between conflicting urges to love or hate or ignore or disregard
To accept happiness under any circumstance or walk away in bitter hate
To forgive easily as we’ve been taught or accept that some wounds never heal
Not visible through glass panes but observing your demeanor changing with time
Suffering lifted instantly as shame disappeared and lasting trauma was cured
A new persona emerging at last, unimaginable and unseen while I was still in the act
Memories on repeat haunting and leaving me longing for something
Finally seeking power in pain to cease my heart’s suffering and feel the touch of another
Patiently waiting for the right one out of fear and doubt unfathomable or laughable to most
Sitting alone in public places full of strangers unable to shake realizations of empty spaces
Hoping but never acting that one of thousands will reach out before me
Days turn into weeks turn into all-powerful self-medicated numbing loathing
The pain of loss now a relic praised with greater misery of contemplation of abandonment aloneness
Newfound optimism dissipates as gently nurtured resolve comes crashing down
Spirit in full descent terminal velocity approaching and sudden deconstruction imminent
When a single chance presents itself promising hope and inspiration of future dreams
Only to be ruined hiding behind layers of well-rehearsed irony
Aiming to hide weakness but only magnifying the fears repressed by all those insecure
The jester takes stand his latest act one of courtship
Rightfully ignored by higher class no response needed in lowly circumstance
Night falls again with no dying breath leaving me alone pensive and bitter
The winter air frigid hosts winds uninviting, thought alone providing no consoling embrace
No one dares travel the paths of my own as nature’s wrath falls furious beyond forgiveness
Still I sit by the window inspired by hope now delusional waiting to see sthe apparition of you
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Midnight quickly approaching, eyes affixed upon concrete ceiling
Day’s work long past exertion but far from complete
Stimulant enhancements pushed by doctors with best of intentions
Now float through my vessels in half life’s dying dance
No power to focus or empower the mind by this time
Only restless feelings so frightening with heart rapidly pounding
Conscious thought beyond willed power but still sadly exerted
The task list still growing haunts my fragile existence
The instant of awakening beckons great need of my labor
The pile of papers expanding by each forsaken hour
Days spent reading unceasing for work far behind
Sense of completion eclipsed by deadlines never discovered
Things never completed with no well-defined excuses
Unaware of my world and the responsibilities I choose
My education in full session but truly on hold
Lessons never attended most others unaware of my existence
The knowledge required never truly acquired
Facts stored hastily but failing needs of rapid assessment
Quickly discarded until the next assignment unexpectedly arises
Minor works and the unfortunate ones failing to capture my mind
All discarded completely without guilt or thought of consequence
A bright future now dimming with each passing day
Great potential ahead fading with apathy continuously invading
The campus so close a distant isolated lonely prison
Neglected for weeks for want of sleep and misplaced faith in self-learning
The paycheck craved biweekly now frozen for foreseeable future
Too much to fret over battling cryptic e-mails of unceasing requests
Never recalling yesterday’s labor and facts of the matter
Time spent reviewing replies now redundant simply to keep on track
A casual pace encouraged but chaos ruling computing
Many problems immersing my psyche into logical worlds of circuits
Escaping the world surrounding to become lone binary architect
Hours accumulated building invisible structures for the problem at hand
Business concerns turned profit motives more pressing than other plights of my life
The hourly rate intoxicating and the money far too enticing
The minor issues multiplying and always evolving
Taking on a life of their own like a virus eating away at my soul
The workload upon me piles up to a breaking point unbeknownst
Mind unable to function I finally submit to resign to my chambers
The rest so desired but ultimately never arriving
The clock paces forward for hours next day quickly approaching
Thoughts racing faster in vast tidal waves
Until enlightenment hits with no joy or peace to be found
Visions unceasing of guilt fear failure and shame
The only factors controlling and motivating my life
A single tear shed but desire for a face filled by more
The absence of feeling now only emotion acquired
Begging for sleep but unceasingly repeating the thoughts of life’s failures
The haunting infinite scenes repeating for hours
Body paralyzed staring fixedly on single point above
FEEDBACK LOOP
As daylight arrives gift of sleep mercifully granted
Nightmares poison broken minds with thoughts of impending failed death
Every vain attempt to sleep repeats the same dream
Identical fate played out in sequence as if on conductor's cue
No way to describe the insufferable terror experienced that night
Laying numb on the couch dumbfounded by the hell still unfolding
Fears now returning to the struggles surely set in future months
Let alone the hours of the day unnervingly set before me
The choice made clear however unwillingly
Life goals once held close now slipping away with no grace
My mind now broken, fragile soul presently shattered
Leaving me in search of the pieces to some day mend
A budding mind now declining limited time for refining
Discovery is the first stage of recovery
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