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it's march 28, 2024

on march 12, 2024 i attempted to fast to get confirmation about my career path and my future marriage. i was praying for monte & his goals. i wanted to so badly be kingdom minded again.. and i prayed for financial breakthrough. (as if God didn't already confirm these things to me.... spiritual warfare has been warfaring this year).

TODAY, i realized God answered alllllll of that. this month has been a ride. God is so faithful.. so gracious.. i made a whole video diary about this and just watch that on my phone lol. from the whole day. God is answering so many prayers 😭 i am blown away and i'm feeling so excited and ready for what's next. it took me THIS long to fully surrender and accept where God is taking me. goodness. time to really really CREATE now and have FUNNNNNNNNN. the fear is really dissipating. it's wild. the devil is a liar. life is going to be so different a whole year from now, possibly even sooner lol. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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word vomit from da heart

☆ i'm in a season where i'm learning how to manage my time. as a freelancer. (that's wild)

☆ had a hard time accepting that i'm not living and going to live a "normal" life... it created a lot of doubt in so many areas of my life (my skills, where God is taking me, my relationship, everythingggg). but i've accepted it. and officially (i believe) surrendered it all to God. i feel the vertical typing this lol

☆ my confidence has grown so much as a person. the way God thickened my skin in the past year or so lol...... i still do silly self sabotaging things sometimes but i find it funny now. the past is the past and people are not defined by their sins. i know i'm not!!

☆ been doing youtube solo for about 1.5 years and it's been a riiiiide. announced my channel 7 months in and it took so long to build the courage to do that. today, i built the courage to use a tripod in public and i filmed a mukbang in a restaurant comfortably.

☆ slowly taking this youtube thing more seriously. being more intentional. sitting with God to get inspiration. rebuking fear so i can be open to inspiration. i want to get lost in my Father's presence and in creating... i created a schedule for this week and so far i've been sticking to it (it's tuesday) and i'm feeling so accomplished. feeling less lost and less overwhelmed.

☆ grateful for prestagon. not sure how long they plan on keeping me. it was an immediate hire from lola (elaine's friend) and they pay $40 an hour + $20 gas. so that's $100 for 2 hours of my time. amazing. they are working on giving me more hours. excited to see what other doors will open this year

☆ remember when i said i felt like something big was gonna happen? like spiritually.. globally... that might happen this year. and soon. great things for God's children and not so great things for those not in God's will. feeling the vertical

☆ struggling with celibacy. bf has been so busy so we don't see each other often and although i miss him it's probably good for us so we don't fall. God's been checking me lately that it's me that needs to work on this.

☆ i measured myself today and my measurements blew my mind.. esp that i've been snacking way more than usual lately (i hardly snack these days, so it's still controlled snacking, but a lot of it). my waist is itty bitty compared to when i first started and i'm shocked. i have abs (& flabs). booty and thighs are growing. i actually like working out now fr fr.

☆ idk what marriage is going to look like with monte's music career. but if this is where God wants me, i have 0 to worry about. been in a continual state of surrender lately

☆ God is my biggest fan and cheerleader. my biggest encourager. he shut me up in the middle of prayer last week while i was venting about the bullet point above lol. he interrupted me with immense peace, i had nothing left to say haha it was funny

☆ i want a better relationship with my parents. having to build that as an adult in a filipino household is something else.. but God is softening all the hearts in this house. including mine.

☆ my family loves monte. that makes me incredibly happy

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i'm hungover. it's been over 24 hours and this hasn't fully gone away.. i spent the entire day yesterday in bed and it was such a waste of a day. i hate feeling this way. i haven't been hungover like this in a whiiiiiiiiiile. i don't miss drinking lol. this weekend was the first time monte has seen me drunk drunk and i def want to leave this version of me in the past. he didn't need to see all that (twerking janelle, cartwheel janelle), but i'm grateful that he is so gentle with me and loves alllll of me. i'm shook that i genuinely want to leave these habits in the past though.. shows my growth and maturity in my faith 😭 lowkey glad that monte witnessed it one time tho.. i hope it's just this one time

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i've been in a relationship since last april and we're coming up on a year soon. and i still have moments were i'm like "i'm in a whole ass relationship..." lol. this relationship is so mature. i'm so mature. he's so mature. we don't go out much, not even to eat (he likes to eat at home and i'm widdit honestly, but i do miss going out to eat more often). i'm forced to save my money because i don't really have money to spend lol. so i'm not really going out anywhere with anyone these days. feeling like i need a vacay though. i worked at a scam job for a couple months. can't believe i experienced that but God used it to instill confidence in me and build in me a fire to work just as hard on youtube and lashing. i started lashing! still doing free sets on whoever i can. getting better really slowly. but i want it to be a thing so badly. i hit 1,000 subs on youtube. we're at 1,322 rn, that's definitely a milestone! i should be more proud of myself. i've been feeling slightly discouraged and afraid lately. funds are low. but God provides. i'm still doing uexams on the side and i'm working a 3 month internship (once a week) - just started that - it's content filming so that's super exciting. been working on my confidence and finding my voice. thankful for rachel in this season, she has been a godsend. audrey is married now and started a new life with christian and i'm so happy for her. i miss her like crazy. just this week, i've been taking time to be still and slow down to hear God's voice. there's so many ideas/topics i've been brainstorming and it's time to focus on them one by one. taking my time. i want to focus on becoming inspired so i can be proud of the content i'm putting out. need to take this more seriously and myself more seriously. and also have grace towards myself because i'm doing this all by myself and starting essentially 2 businesses (content & lashing) from scratch at the same time is so freaking hard. i'm doing my best. there was a time when both monte and were out of work and we spent so much time together. i thank God for that time. God has been moving in monte's life and i'm so proud of his growth. i'm so happy for all the work opportunities that are suddenly flowing for him. proud of the way he allows God to use him. i see him less though and i miss him but it is what it is. he loves me so much. God is healing my trust issues/insecurity lol. the future scares me a little because idk if i'm ready for where God is taking us. i know monte's ready and been ready. honestly didn't see my life going in this direction (future husband in entertainment and me building an online presence). but i know God is leading us! idk where we going but i'm strapped in. i'm in too far to give up now lol

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oct 24 2023

i think this thought pretty frequently:

"i wonder how life will be a year from now"

..knowing that life usually changes drastically within a year. at least it's been this way for the past 5 years. i feel like i've lived so many lives and i'm only 27 lol. about to be 28 soon though.. what is life!!!

i'm definitely in a brand new season. last year, i shifted internally and spiritually. it was an intense, expedited healing session that needed to happen (thank you Jesus). i've always lived my life with Jesus on the sidelines lowkey, but i'm fr a woman of God now. i made God my very first priority and she's different.. and it's noticeable lol. an external thing now. i'm so proud of myself because i've come a LONG WAYYYYY. monte don't even know man.. this version of me needed to arrive before meeting him though. oh yeah, i met my husband. we're not married yet, but i'm pretty sure this is the man God's been preparing me for and vise versa. (and if he's not the one, Lord take him away asap bc i can't go through that again pls). not sure if i've mentioned him in a previous post (it's been so long). the story of how we met is pretty amazing, a story only God can put together honestly. it's been almost 7 months, but it feels like 2-3 years. in the best way. we're in a bit of a rough reason right now but I'm trusting God and his plans.. some things weren't what i expected, it's been a test of my faith honestly. but monte is amazing. he's an answered prayer. on so many levels. he's the glue to my family and i prophesied that within a couple weeks of dating. we grow closer each day and i'm just really excited to do life with him.

i'm in therapy rn and it's going great. i felt ready to look inwards to improve the relationship i have with my parents. tomorrow will be my 4th session. it's been progressive so far. learning a lot about myself.. and my dad.

been doing youtube for over a year now and we're still growing. currently at 776 subscribers. how? idek bruh. but i'm going to keep going, even though idk what i'm doing more than half the time. i will say: my confidence has gone up a ton though. my fcks to give about what people think don't really exist anymore. that's HUGE. if that was the purpose of it all, praise God fr. elaine's friend manages content creators and she's setting up a content plan for me.. so we'll see how that goes. i started doing lashes. but kinda stopped. we'll see on that too. i'm working part time as an exam proctor (proctor.. ba dum tss). it's funny because i applied before maxim, but didn't get my first shift until i quit care partners. God's timing lol. i'm actually at work right now.

and here i am wondering how life will be like next year.. i feel like God's going to blow my mind. as he always does.. (he blew my brains out with monte lol). i know our circumstances are going to change soon though. all glory to God. God's behind the wheel and i'm cruisingggg wheeeeeeeeee

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by swissmountainview

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want

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rip old me 🤍

as of idk.. maybe a couple of months ago, i’ve officially stepped into a new chapter of my life. i’m brand new NEW and i realize that God is going to continue to renew me more and more as i grow with Him. because of Christ, i’ve leveled up in my faith, confidence, habits, fitness, self-esteem, and overall ability to operate!! i’m becoming more like the person God created me to be and the journey is just... wow... i get so emotional thinking about it and how good God is and how kind and patient He is with me. i can see His hand more in everything and in all (literally all) situations.. i may not see the full picture but i’m learning how to trust God more and more each day. taking instruction from Him day by day and not worrying about what’s next. I just know where I’m headed is better than I can ask, imagine, or think. God’s currently helping me to be a bolder representation of Him. it’s happening naturally as i let Him drive the boat and continue to lean on Him every moment. this life is really not my own anymore and there is soooooooo much freedom in that. i’m so grateful for this life and i’ve never felt more alive. and i’ll forever be alive🔥🔥🔥

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Sooo adorable ❤️

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Thank You God Always 🤍

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i love you regional differences in food. i love you ingredients i've never heard of. i love you specific shapes of dumplings. i love you food that tastes better homemade. i love you food you can never make the same at home. i love you hot plate of chips and fresh salsa the moment you sit down at the table. i love you cash only holes in the wall. i love you the only place in town that makes it right. i love you arguing about which place is the best but they're all good. i love you spice that makes your mouth go numb. i love you comfort food you only eat when you're sick. i love you 'im glad i tried it but i'm never eating that again'. i love you favorite food i havent had yet

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me

It’s a challenging balancing act being a free spirit with expensive taste. Yes, I do desire international travel and financial freedom and luxury high vibe shopping but I also desperately crave peaceful, simple living where I can paint and dance and lay in fields and wake up at noon on Saturday.