sssamrattt-blog - Tumblr blog

[sssamrattt-blog]

And he kept

So, he kept,

The empty space still vacant,

For it was not to be taken

But for him to be craving...

And then every night he slept,

With his miseries and debt,

Some pain he never shared,

And for enjoyment he never cared.

She was someone he'd want to know,

But she was the one to make the show

He was nervous, way too slow

"She's too extravagant

For me to bore."

There he tried, to bring his smile

Into this earthly feeling

And how could she be tied.

She was a bird to be held,

Yet, so beautiful he could never let her descend.

She was like his ambition-

Carving and moulding,

Into better and brighter,

More like a deep analyzed decision-

Flying higher, further away

Towards the horizon,

Blowing his mind away.

So, he stayed

With all his miseries, tied in the urn,

And overshadowed his sadness

For someday she could be the one.

So, he kept realising

His words were fading,

For the vacant space was still forbidden

And yet, he knew how she was glazing...

[sssamrattt-blog]

Another colleague, maybe

Will she remain just another infatuated emotion, I craved for? It is hard for me to cope up at every aspect that I'm put into. I'm not putting my professional relationship forward to meet that girl, and the fact of the matter is I cannot make someone who is more like a stranger in real life, come and talk to me. Yes, staring her face makes my day, and maybe I'm contended. But, there's still a hunger unsatisfied, a craving undesired, an attraction I'm holding on within myself. When I look at her, I see just my unburnt desires, and when I try talking to her, I'm a jerk in throwing up a conversation that we would go with. I know talking about families and lifestyle would be quite friendly, but I don't know how to start up. I don't fit into circles, that's a part of my misery, and she does the same so well. I know I always look forward to meet her, but that's a dead end. I don't know how to go ahead and get on with it. She looks so happy, and maybe my intervention into her life won't be as great as it would be for myself. I cannot put her just as my colleague, or even as a friend. She's someone I like, and she's someone I look forward to meet everyday. I clench my fists when I realise I'm way too behind to hold her hand. One sided feelings have no meaning, unless we put forward our actions devoted to the same. The only thing that holds me back is that "I know she deserves better..."

[sssamrattt-blog]

Not this night, ever again

But, she broke her voice,

And walked out of the car

Filled with passengers,

And that's when I realised

She loved her freedom,

More than she could love me

And she had surrounded herself

With people who could fit into her company

And not taunt her dauntless thrill.

I was a stranger, merely throwing my anger away

Into utter melodies of my own shattered pieces,

No one thought I would react in such a way.

While my voice had filled the echoes of my miseries,

The bitterness of my words,

Was felt by them, for a long time...

Her approach was bittersweet too,

A mildness added to a cigarette,

Something I didn't expect

It craved my desire,

But made me realise,

She has her burnt desires,

Maybe I stepped back,

To have a fall,

From their respect

And my own.

I could apologize,

I could stay and rise,

But whatever I did

They wouldn't empathise.

And all of it ended with my own words,

I loved the way it was last night,

But tonight,

It had the bitter taste,

For I was someone who was concerned,

Yet I was someone...

Someone dreaming with blindfolded eyes.

[sssamrattt-blog]

But, did that story end already?

And then I stared those vacant eyes,

Craving for darkest night,

Sunshine could be declined

For her gaze made me mesmerized.

But, it could have been a trap,

To hold on and let the better things go,

To smile and believe the things you know,

Or maybe the stories she had told...

All the time I waited for you,

You kept yourself from being rude

Maybe you saw my dream coming true

Still you kept my affection, away from you.

So, I stared and smiled

Looking at those vacant eyes,

The lips that smiled,

The hope for better life.

And she had a broken voice,

For holding on so much noise

Yet smiling from ear to ear,

And I was falling, again, I feared.

It started with you and me,

And the whole classroom thing felt like parody.

But, as the training ended

And we got blended,

into the service routine

The nights felt splendid,

And weekends were sinking.

Never felt like you could be mine,

Realised our basic differences were way too much

So I held my thoughts, to keep my heart

From falling apart

And then I stared, throughout the noisy silence

Toward those vacant eyes.

It was long, and really long,

I didn't love drama that was strong

But, maybe she's the kind who wishes for a love story

But, I was the kind who wanted to be someone

To be achieved.

Yes, I had an eye on her,

Because she looked someone familiar

Lost in my adrenaline rush for you,

That was how I holding myself from the crew.

I tried walking by your side,

But, you were to rooted to your ideals,

I knew coping up was as hard

As walking with you,

So I had to leave, the infatuated desire,

Thinking of you, and a lot about it.

But, that night, the long stare made me realise,

There was a point missing in my life,

Maybe an extravagant fuss, a enlighting rhyme

And someone like her, along by my side...

[sssamrattt-blog]

Another day passed...

I told her she was looking good, and I did have my eye on her for quite a while. Even when she was at a distance, I could just look at her scarf and how her hairs glistened by the side, with only a portion of it visible. Maybe she had her own restrictions to propagate her motive. I had my own destiny to chase anyway.

And then the day passed converting havoc into happiness. But I almost walked a kilometre in search of a cigarette but didn't find any. The streets of Kolkata might be extravagant but, it was gruesome to not find any cigarette shops open at quarter to 1 AM. It was only when I was in the cab this person who looked mostly like one of my cousins offered me a Biri, and I accepted it, with pleasure. I had it and it was none less soothing than a cigarette, although a bit stronger. I remember the last time I had it was around was two months earlier, when I couldn't find other reasons to talk to some juniors of mine, back in college. Let bygones be bygones, but the relief I got today after having smoking a Biri felt really satisfying.

Yes, harsh truths from a nicotine consumer.

[sssamrattt-blog]

That morning...

And he happened to meet me, stood there as an employee but disguised in my eyes as another student like me. I believe there was something we both were chasing for, and this was how we met, a year later, in the places we had wished to be. We were roommates a year ago, and we never took ourselves back to the time we had Biriyani together. He saw me as someone who was lost, and I saw him trying not to find me back. I believe we had our horizons to chase and greater goals to achieve. Hope made me believe that there is a greater prison than my own mind, and that was the place where he made up stories for his own, relying upon his friends. They had their part of happiness, and I had my part of realisation. No more competitors, or friends, or colleagues, we were just like two long lost friends which life destined to meet with disguised identities.

Maybe his shadow was darker...

[sssamrattt-blog]

That smile...

And when I asked her to smile, she did, that was the best part of my day.

I entered into the office and headed towards canteen where I had to keep my bags in the closet. She was there while I opened the closet which was mostly filled, I saw her bag and moved to the next one. She asked me why did I come early, and without a second thought I turned around and said that it was just to meet her. She laughed, a delightful scene I could take up as a part of my day. Within the next few moments she was off to her workplace and I was wondering, as always.

It was late in the evening when I went to her while she was having a lil' chat with her new friends, and I told her that she shouldn't be worrying as her efforts would be worthwhile. She was lagging behind, and nonetheless I've been through the same. She wanted to play carrom and I was astounded by her that request and so I asked her if she would be able to play carrom with those lil' cute fingers of her. But, on the brighter side, she smiled upon my request and that was my treasure to carry for the rest of the night.

[sssamrattt-blog]

That colleague

While the weekend was ought to be boring, my mind frequently drifted off to thinking about how she was spending her day. I didn't know much about how to carry forward a conversation, nor did I ever managed to ask her number. Something held me from being the closest friend she might have had, but that just made me just another colleague who she could possibly rely upon. These thoughts of kindness might be an ode to the bitterness we might have to face in future, because in some 'undefined' way she was indifferent to me, as I was to her.

[sssamrattt-blog]

When she looked up...

She stood their with open hair, I was like any other guy, passing comments from her behind. I had a colleague all along, with whom smoking meant something else. I didn't want to see her, or maybe I had something in my mind that she would turn back and smile. But, all I saw was she stood there with vacant body gestures, with no rude interpretation. It felt as if someone called her from upstairs while I was still holding myself on my way downstairs, I could only see a part of her face while she had turned back. I was happy, someway...that I hadn't have to get her looking at me the same way how I looked at her.

[sssamrattt-blog]

A lil' push

As the organisation had their senior members giving out the awards to the performers of the month, I stood there along side her, and managed to to sneak into her ears my words of wisdom, "You'll be there next month." She had maintained the same expression and told me that she wasn't sure if she would be staying there anyway. Little did I know, she wouldn't be the only source of my inspiration while I stayed here. But, I could see that same hunger in her eyes now, that craving for a better life where she could live with her own restrictions...not what the society has for her.

[sssamrattt-blog]

Provoking footsteps

The fifth day, a self invested time and money for taking her pace of walking was not easy to cope up with, yet she was there when I looked up for her; way too strong with quick remarks. We were just stepping into a better tomorrow, being a colleague, but I wanted to be someone who she could trust with whatever she decides for herself in the long run.

[sssamrattt-blog]

Not colleague, yet?

And it was the very same day, she made him lose his own pen, asked him about nothing except for it, and scored just next to the topper. I stayed rejected to profanity, while her restrictions were far beyond my imagination to reconcile with.

[sssamrattt-blog]

[sssamrattt-blog]

[sssamrattt-blog]

Fervent desires

But, I thought finding a context to write my heart out had been forever easier and I had written on irrelevant topics ever since I came into this writing pursuit. I had this vocation of expressing a lot more than I could mean it otherwise, but still my words were somewhat tangible to be dealt with. A break in letting the words I write, shape my brain is what I wanted definitely but I never realised it would be too soon for me to post back in here. Well, I have plans to make my words here evidentiary and connected to my real life, so this gap would definitely fill in the void I left behind. Oh yes, the void refers to the time I spent writing which I don't want to recall. It seems as if it all had some definite impact on me and the people around me. So, I need a fresh start just to hold onto a few things and have some people who judge and critically analyse this skill of writing...if I have some. Period.

[sssamrattt-blog]

Thoughts

Some thoughts of freedom, Lest living in the dawn. One crossed road of wisdom, Chest unlocked, and greed bestowed The ancient symbol of prison.

[sssamrattt-blog]

Thoughts that linger

And with time I realised, she was someone who could be my better half and speak words that would keep my head in a better place. But, I lost to be her friend, be her senior, and be anyone she would be least bothered about. Faster and faster as I coped up with my last heart break, I could just keep her thoughts as my eyes searched for some beauty.

She was someone who had been way beyond my imagination could comprehend, and now it all feels like some crazy dream I'd been chasing all along. I still can't stop my fingers finding a way to text her, still cannot resist my soul to be devoured from hers. I want to be her friend, and that's all I would want if I stay around her. Keeping away all the physical cravings, I wouldn't mind if I get a chance to hold her hand, while I cross the road.

I don't know much about love, or friendship too. I know, I'm gonna be there for her if she needs me someday. But, I'm afraid she had lost all ties with me, and the only thing that still keeps me connected to her is that Facebook and maybe that's enough for me to forsake any other indications that would make me crave for the presence of any individual female around me and maybe that's the reason I still am so used to glancing her when she's around.

Today, as I am going back to my place, which would rather be a long train journey, I keep my mind turned of from her mind slaughtering thoughts that would make me feel even more miserable. Life has been hard for everyone, but when things that we have got to do go smoothly, we arrive to a conclusion that we are just individuals striving hard to find a way that keeps our souls alive. And maybe I found some sort of happiness that wouldn't be shared if I find someone like her again.

Currently, I'm hearing this song Nymphetamine by Cradle of Filth. If this makes any sense to you after reading the whole post, then you do have a complete idea about my music and other tastes. I wish you don't change my perspective while you're talking about love, because YES, everyone is unique.

-Samrat...