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Whats To Come

This year I will publish my sermon that I have been holding back for ages. I will post a reflection post where I look back at 2018 and look at the positives and negatives. Then post on why I believe is in store for me 2019, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m not going to make this into something I must do but something I want to do. This blog isn’t just for me to rant things about or say ways on my mind. I am the voice of the voiceless. I don’t know what that means. But lets find out shall we?

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Self-harm. May what a useless, destructive thing to do to your body when you are at your worst. Cutting, pain, eating disorders, anything you can think of that cause harm to your body is just not worth it. It’s not the answer to any of your problems never has been and never will be. To you it may be the escape that you are looking for. A way to feel pain or just numb the pain you're already feeling. But let me tell you what self-harm did to my life and how things got really bad really quickly

In April of 2016 my life was falling apart. I was heartbroken, hurt, depressed. I was at my worst. I took a pencil sharpener, took the razor out. 1,2,3 bleed. I sat down in my bathroom, looking at my things and thinking, “what have I done? Why did I do that?” So many questions were running through my mind and little to no answers. That night I layed in bed my mind blank and my emotions nowhere to be found. “Is this what if feels like? Is this the numbing that everyone talks about? Why am I feeling like this?”. After getting little sleep that night I went to my Bible teacher/counselor. I guess that’s what you would call her. I don’t know, but all I know is she was someone I trusted. That day we sat on the veranda at school and I just poured my heart out to her. I told her everything, well almost everything. I told her how I got there, how I think my depression was something just building up, and what had happened that night before is what broke me finally. Yes it felt good to tell her, but something was missing. At that time I didn’t know what was missing, but something was.

What I didn’t was someone inside the library was listening to everything unintentionally. It wasn't like they were being nosey. They just happened to be there at the time. But they heard everything. Every single word, and I had no idea until I get home and get a text from an unknown number. I was a bit confused that someone had the wrong number because it happens quite a bit. I really didn’t know what to do, so the first thing I asked was obviously “who is this?”. They knew who I was but I didn’t know who they. The rest was all a blur to me know. All I remember was he sent me pictures of motivational posters he found on the web. All about not giving up or not killing myself. Because let’s be honest. At that point in my life I was ready to just end it all. I had things planned out and even attempted more than ones, but we’ll talk about that later. Of course at that time.

Fast forward to that same day he texted me was the same day I figured out who he really was, it was Liam. It wasn’t hard really. He was the only person in my class who cared even to actually try to make me feel better. But obviously instead of taking the help, I may or may not have gotten defensive and got mad at the person. I didn’t take their help. I was that stubborn person. But let’s be real, when you reach that point in your life, you are done with everyone and everything. Nothing matters. Getting help is the last things you want. All you want to do is just give up and wait for death. While we were texting I was just waiting for him to get frustrated and just leave, because with me that’s what always happens. People see the true me and just run for their dear life. But he didn’t. He just kept texting me until I went to bed. But he wasn’t the only one that contacted me.

The same day a different person texted me. This time I had their number on my phone and I knew who they were. Again they were in my class and they were checking on me because that’s the type of person she is. If someone isn’t ok they see how they are feeling and what’s going on with them. So I told her about me cutting, and she gave me some words of encouragement. But  that didn’t do anything. I was still cutting and was still self harming. But both people did give me one advise that I actually took. They told me to text a friend of theirs that got through self-harming. They gave me her number and told me to text her and she’d help me out. So I did. Grant you I texted her at 10pm and she usually goes to bed at 9 so I didn’t really get a reply until the next morning. She asked me to talk to her at school and just explain my story to her. She was a grade above me so we didn’t have any classes together so I talked to her during lunch and explain what was going on. If I am being completely honest I have no idea why I told her. Well not at that time anyways. She’s someone that I don’t even talk to, maybe the occasional hi or smile through the hallway. In my eyes she was popular and I was at the bottom. But I told her. I don’t really remember the conversation by heart. All I remember was we were in the den and I was sitting in the corner and I was looking at her. I think we had P.E. that day. But that’s all.

After telling her I didn't feel better at all. I felt paranoid as hell. 4 people knew, counting my Bible teacher, that I cut myself. What if they tell their friends? What if they just start talking about it among themselves and people hear? Every time they were talking to each other I just had this feeling they were talking about me and how pathetic I was. That didn’t really help my mental state, but ruined it. So everyday I would go home, and after I finished my homework, hello razor. 1, 2, 3.

Skip to April and my Bible teacher gave me some advice on what I should do. She wanted me to write everything bad thing someone said about me and what I thought about myself. Let me fucking tell you it was a whole page front to back. I brought it to school, and during Easter chapel we prayed over them all, and burned the paper. The rest of the paper I nailed to the cross. Both literally and metaphorically. I felt better. I had been a couple days clean, since Nicole, self-harm survivor, told me to flush my razor in the toilet. I was ready to start a happy life without depression. But let me tell you something, depression doesn’t always leave, the devil doesn't always leave you alone right away. They are both still there, whispering in your ear, telling you lies. But it’s your choice to listen or ignore. I chose to listen.

We went to my home country to see family during Easter. That was a horrible idea, because my family are assholes. They make fun of my weight, the way I look, etc. That day I cut, after promising my friend to I wouldn’t. He wasn’t happy because promises mean a lot to him. In my eyes promises are something that are said, but not kept. That is all attached to my childhood that I just don’t want to go through. Maybe another day anyway. That was the worst Easter I have ever experienced.

We get back to the country I currently live in and I had my very first panic attack. At this point my parents already know what was going on with me. It was about 9 or 10. I’m not really sure what time it was. I had been fidgeting the whole day and I had no idea why. Next thing I know I can barely breath, there was a heaviness on my chest, and I was starting to cry. I never felt this kind of feeling before. But for some reason the first thing that came into my head is “OMG, I am having a panic attack.” I have never seen anyone have a panic attack, not in person or on TV. But here I am, having one right then and there. My first thought was to text Nicole. But it’s late, she is probably asleep. But I still texted her. As time went by things were getting worse. I was having a hard time breaking, I started to feel light headed. I had left my study room to the living room to get some fresh air. I grabbed my phone and texted my old youth pastor, Riley. I asked her if she was free and if she was able to FaceTime. After saying yes, I called her right away and told her everything. We talked for 10-20 minutes. I honestly don’t know. All I remember is I was slowly calming down. That was I think the scariest moment of my life. Still is to this day. I felt like passing out, black dots were starting to form in my vision. Fear struck in so quickly it wasn’t even funny. Little did I know that that was the first of many panic attacks I would experience.

After that things just went downhill. I started cutting again. Told my mom, got yelled at. Strained our relationship. The sad part is all of these things happened in a span of less than 6 months. From that things just went downhill. Let’s just say that 9th grade was a bad year for me mentally.

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Sometime today I am going to post a long post about how I got to where I am mentally. It will talk about how I got depressed, my actions, the friends I made, and the help I got. It is part of it’s not worth it. I decided to split it into parts because it is way too long of a post. It’s already 3 pages. So expect that sometime today, hopefully.

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And when you have no prayer life. Your stuffed 

🙏

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I’m gonna be real with you. For a girl who has lived almost all her life by herself keeping herself together, or at least trying to. This is the hardest verse I try to follow. Caring for me. Why? That’s my biggest question 

Comment AMEN 🙏

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And yet I try to sustain myself without Him

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What I’m Doing

Ok so currently I am working on part 1 of my life story. This story is explaining my deepest darkest things like why I self-harmed. Keep an eye for that coming soon.

I am also working a sermon of sorts. The title is “For Someone” because I currently have no idea who it’s for. God just gave me a word and I started writing. That was almost a month ago and I still don’t know where it’s heading. But keep an eye for that too.

Also I just found out the Tumblr is missing on the Apple Store. This means my posting won’t be as frequently as I’d hope they would be. But I will try to post as much as possible. I may be working on “I am feeling” kind of posts. And then by the end of this month Tumblr will be back on the Apple Store so I can start posting on the go, not just at home.

There are probably going to be a lot of side projects that I will be doing here and there. But right now my main two are my life story called “It’s Not Worth It” and my sermon “For Someone”. So keep an eye on those two major projects. 

I love how I am talking as if I have follower. Lawl. :D

Sincerely,

Stacy Says

[stacysaysblog-blog1]

Hello

Hi, my name is Stacy and welcome to my blog. This blog will be my outlet to let everything out. Warning, I am a Christian, one that is stumbling in their faith, but nonetheless a Christian. This explaining my avatar and heading.... and bio. 

I feel like for most of my life I have hid the fact that I am a Christian to everyone around. My reason is, why should I tell people. It’s none of their business. But I realized that that reason is me being ashamed. I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am in Christ. This blog is my first step in no longer being ashamed. 

My hope for this blog is to no become famous. If I have one follower than that is okay. I finally want to stop fighting with God about using my voice. I have a spirit of a lawyer/activist. Why not start using this voice as my first step towards my purpose.

Now let me just say this now. This blog is not going to be all sunshine and rainbows because that is NOT my life. I have depression. I also about 3 months clean from any self-harm. I am also at the moment in a REALLY BAD mental state. So yes I will be preaching the word, but I’m also going to be real with you guys and not hide anything. If I’m feeling down, my post will have that. This is MY outlet

I am really excited for where this blog will take me and where it’s gonna end up in a year from now. I hope you all join me and have an open mind about what I have to say. If you want to argue with me, don’t be afraid to. Will I argue back, most likely. But hey, that’s just the lawyer in me. 

Sincerely, 

Stacy Says