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conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 1

Jason: yeah me and B are on ok terms now,

Dick: oh you guys are getting along-?

Jason: well we’re doing ok, I’m not mad at him anymore.

Dick: thought you wanted him to kill the Joker?

Jason: i did, but then like last week i went to the manor and i saw him smash the coffee machine with a hammer because it didn’t fill his mug enough; and i just don’t think he’d be a good killer.

Dick: *light wheeze* because he broke the coffee machine?

Jason: well it was just- *cracked grin* he gets- he gets angry, you know? and he’s not good at self control? like that machine did nothing and he just destroyed it. and i was just thinking about how, like, he decided that adopting kids was an acceptable thing to do, and now he has like eleven of us,

Dick: *silent cackles*

Jason: like he can’t see a kid without thinking ‘wonder if i can draft this one’. i think if we managed to convince him killing was ok it wouldn’t go well. he’d just keep doing it.

Dick: *through laughter* because of no self control?

Jason: yeah, like once he crosses that line he’d probably step over it at any minor inconvenience. he gets addicted and he gets mad at a lot of things.

Dick: so B shouldn’t kill?

Jason: no.

Dick: but you can?

Jason: well i- *wheeze* i have practice honing the rage, i don’t kill for stupid reasons. *pause* apart from that one time.

Dick, audibly amused: what time?

Jason: i sneezed and accidentially pressed the trigger.

Dick: *loud cackles*

Jason: i felt bad, man, like his cat was there-

Dick: *falls off his chair*

Jason: how are you this apathetic.

Dick: is that where Damian’s new cat came from?

Jason: it’s not like i could just leave it there!

Dick: i thought i saw trauma in it’s eyes. it had that wartime stare.

Jason: the blood spattered right across its fur. i had to bathe it.

Dick: Damian thinks it has anxiety

Jason: anxiet- dude it has more than anxiety, it has fucking PTSD-

Dick: *wheezes harder*

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Slipping through my fingers

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Alfred finds out about the spreadsheet not through Bruce—heaven forbid—or even Master Richard, who has, historically, been the canary in the Batcave coal mine.

No, Alfred finds out because Wonder Woman calls him.

“Is it true Damian purchased a warhorse on patrol?” she asks, warm but curious. “The line item says, ‘Live horse, unauthorized—refused to name it anything but “Vengeance.”’”

Alfred exhales. Deeply. The kettle screams in the background.

“That depends, Your Highness,” he says, “on your definition of purchased.”

—

By the time Alfred reviews the spreadsheet himself, it’s clear to him that Bruce has, once again, attempted to manage grief, children, and domestic infrastructure by applying the principles of a Fortune 500 CEO to a family that was never supposed to exist.

Line items include:

• “Cass: ballet shoe fund (annual),” next to “Cass: glider fuel fund (quarterly).”

• “Duke: emergency stipend for spontaneous dramatic lighting needs.”

• “Dick: trapeze rigging expenses (do not let him do it indoors again).”

• “Tim: coffee. No questions.”

• “Jason: reparations to the Gotham Historical Society. Again.”

There is an entire tab titled “Kryptonian Damage Control (Clark-Specific),” with columns like:

• “Reinforced cutlery (snapped during brunch).”

• “Ceiling repairs (emotional egress).”

• “Sofa replacements (unconfirmed eye-laser mishap?).”

And yet, tucked between “ventilation system repairs” and “cape replenishment inventory,” there is a quiet, unformatted cell with a single note:

“Alfred - annual birthday fund (nonnegotiable).”

He stares at it for a long time.

Then he closes the spreadsheet. Updates his will. Makes Bruce’s favorite tea.

And orders six more bulletproof teapots.

Because in this household, love is measured in line items—and survived in spreadsheets.

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[CW: suggestive actions]

Midnight calls

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They are depicted as 21 following comic continuity

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Omg this took too long, I give up😭

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The camera is ruining it

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The batfam is full of pretty boys but the there's the pretty boys

Damian and Tim — More feminine looking (Tim canonically look similar to his mom hence why he can dress up as a woman) and for Damian? Talia's genes are just that strong

These two have the most pretty pretty boys look

— 🫐

Is it weird for me to say that I think Tim could pass for a masc lesbian and if you were to put a wig on Damian he'd straight up just look like his mom LOL

Dick is boy pretty

Jason is man pretty

Tim is lesbian pretty

And Damian is just pretty pretty

That's my take 😌

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Does he mean anything to you

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not being a Bruce multishipper feels like an insult to the huge whore that this man has built his entire adult life upon being… like wdym you can only see him w one person…? Does the name “Brucie” mean nothing to you?? Has he not proven himself to be an absolute flaming bisexual???? Hold on I… I need to sit down..

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Clark planned a quiet week on a farm in Nova Scotia. Fresh air, no crises, minimal explosions.

Bruce agreed, then brought three encrypted laptops, twelve burner phones, and five stashed batarangs.

“Are you surveilling the local goats?” Clark asked.

“I don’t like their eyes.”

By Day Three, Clark finds Bruce interrogating a rooster. Day Five, Bruce has mapped out the town’s weak points for “training opportunities.” Day Six, Clark snaps and throws Bruce into the lake. Bruce does not resist.

They emerge hours later, soggy and weirdly happy. The rooster watches from the fence. He knows too much.

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I think some of you forgot that autistic people sometimes act strange and say things that are poorly worded and speak with incorrect tone and misunderstand or miss social cues because they are autistic

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Every time Bruce attends a Wayne Gala, something unhinged happens.

Year One: Joker crashes it. Year Two: Catwoman crashes it. Year Three: Clark Kent is his date and crashes it by being too earnestly hot in a tux and calling Bruce “baby” in front of Lucius.

Year Four is supposed to be peaceful.

Bruce walks in. Alone. Determined. Emotionally armored.

Fifteen minutes later he sees Clark—reporter Clark—interviewing a board member. Bruce tries to sneak away.

Clark: “Bruce! Mind giving us a quote?”

Bruce, internally: NO NO NO NONONONONONO

Bruce, externally: “I once ate a napkin because I thought it was a weird bread roll.” Brucie chirps, batting his eyelashes at the cameras.

There’s a beat.

Clark, very seriously: “Thank you for your transparency.”

Bruce walks straight into the bathroom and locks the door for the rest of the night. ForGothamForGothamForGotgam—

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Someone asks Clark if he ever feels strange, being so different.

He thinks of Martha Kent swatting a tractor off his foot with a broom when he was nine. Of Jonathan muttering about “tough sons of guns” while wrapping his bleeding knuckles after teaching Clark to hold back. He thinks of prom night, his suit too tight over muscle he hadn’t earned, terrified to touch anyone because what if he crushed them?

He thinks of the old dog they had growing up, the one that barked at thunder but not at him flying.

“No,” he says finally, smiling softly. “Smallville made it easy to feel normal.”

He doesn’t say that’s why he loves Lois and Bruce—because they yell at gods and treat him like a person. Because they hold him like he couldn’t burn them with just his eyes. Like for once, he could be delicate.

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developing npd and aspd from being emotionally abused is funny cause its like. hahaaaaa!! cant guilt trip me if i physically cant feel guilt or give a fuck about how you feeeeeelll!!!!!

my trauma may have made me a monster but at least nobody can hurt me like that anymore

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no matter how hard i try i will always be that little girl wondering why everyone is better friends with eachother than her and begging to be loved

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Superman desperately scanning the street during a fight to find the most morally acceptable car to throw at his opponent, knowing that not everybody has insurance, and loss of transportation can ruin a life -

A wave of incredible relief washes over him as he spots the hard geometric lines and silver paintless sheen of a Cybertruck.

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glasses