starcunin

[starcunin]

so sorry, guys. my brain got a little overwhelmed and now I'm not really enjoying my hobbies as much as I usually do. I think I'm gonna be gone a few more days, take a little break, and spend time with my partner and roommate since we have had time off together. I think I'm stressed and depressed 😅 But I'll definitely be back!

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GOOD MORNING! ended up being busy this morning but when I get to work later I'll probably do some more Lae'zel replies over on her blog since she has taken over my brain lolol

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*sigh* i have a big ass truck to put away at work so i might not get to write tonight.

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been playing Mario party all morning lolol. now I gotta get ready for work but once I'm settled there I'm gonna try and make some replies!

[starcunin]

well 🧍‍♀️ as a reminder this blog is NOT a safe space for trump supporters but it IS a safe place for women, queers, trans ppl, people of color, undocumented people, and any marginalized group.

[starcunin]

friends, i am on my way home now and i am hungover as fuck. i might not do any writing today, but tomorrow i will be more active again. :)

[starcunin]

I had fun at the wedding tonight! :) the alcohol helped a lot and now I need to pass out. Back to regular posting tomorrow night! Either tomorrow night or Monday!

[starcunin]

Wedding ready! I have some hours to chill before then though so we'll see if I manage some replies lol. until then here's me feeling myself.

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I actually feel pretty for once and still can't take a normal selfie

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wow, my entire phone did a factory reset without my permission?? that's fucked.

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so uh. . . i did the thing. HOWEVER !! i won't be very active on it until next week. but yeah. lae'zel brain has been activated.

[starcunin]

might not be active here while i work on things for my tester lae'zel blog to distract myself from the real world 🙃 but you can find me on discord if ya need me!

[starcunin]

no way I'm getting back to sleep now. I hope everyone gets through today! my discord is mommykarlach if anyone needs to vent or rant or cry. I'll be here doing the same.

oh... my best friend just called me crying and now I'm crying... oh no guys...

[starcunin]

oh... my best friend just called me crying and now I'm crying... oh no guys...

[starcunin]

🐝  *  ―  𝑬𝑷𝑰𝑪: 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑴𝑼𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑨𝑳 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.

Troy Saga ❛  do what i say and you'll see them again.  ❜ ❛  what do you live for? what do you try for?  ❜ ❛  say no more, i know tat i'm ready.  ❜ ❛  the blood on your hands is something you won't lose.  ❜ ❛  is the price i pay endless pain?  ❜ ❛  something feels off here, i see fire but there's no smoke.  ❜ ❛  we should try to find a way no one ends up dead.  ❜ ❛  why should we take when we could give?  ❜ ❛  i see in your face, there's so much guilt inside your heart.  ❜ ❛  have you forgotten the lessons i taught you?  ❜

The Cyclops Saga ❛  it's almost too perfect, too god to be true.  ❜ ❛  what gives you the right to deal a pain so deep?  ❜ ❛  your life now is in my hand.  ❜ ❛  remember them, we're the ones who carry on.  ❜ ❛  what good would killing do when mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use?  ❜ ❛  i am your darkest moment.  ❜ ❛  i don't know where i went wrong but i warned ya', and you failed the test.  ❜ ❛  that's just like you, why should i be surprised?  ❜ ❛  unlike you, every time someone dies i'm left to deal with the strain.  ❜ ❛  i'll remind you i saw you as a friend but now we're done.  ❜

The Ocean Saga ❛  at this rate, we won't make it out alive.  ❜ ❛  please don't tell me you're about to do what i think you'll do.  ❜ ❛  yes, but how much longer til your luck runs out?  ❜ ❛  you rely on wit, and people die on it.  ❜ ❛  you're like the brother i could never do without.  ❜ ❛  and suddenly you doubt that i could figure this out?  ❜ ❛  keep your friends close and your enemies closer, never really know who you can trust.  ❜ ❛  'cause the end always justifies the means.  ❜ ❛  do you know who i am?  ❜ ❛  you are the worst kind of good 'cause you're not even great.  ❜

The Circe Saga ❛  whatever you need to say can wait some more.  ❜ ❛  there's no length i wouldn't go if it was you i had to save.  ❜ ❛  wouldn't you like a taste of the power?  ❜ ❛  don't thank me friend, you very well may die.  ❜ ❛  did you do something to them?  ❜ ❛  if you make one wrong move, then you're done for.  ❜ ❛  you and i are now evenly matched.  ❜ ❛  you've given me no reason to bestow you with my trust.  ❜ ❛  who's to say, with the mistakes i've made that they will be the last mistakes i ever make?  ❜ ❛  this is the price we pay to love.  ❜

The Underworld Saga ❛  all i hear are screams, every time i dare to close my eyes.  ❜ ❛  i no longer dream, only nigtmares of those who've died.  ❜ ❛  when does a man become a monster?  ❜ ❛  now you tell us our effort's are for nothing?  ❜ ❛  how has everything been turned against us?  ❜ ❛  do i need to change?  ❜ ❛  i'm the only one whose line i haven't crossed.  ❜ ❛  what if i'm the problem that's been hiding all along?  ❜ ❛  what if i've been far too kind to foes but a monster to ourselves?  ❜ ❛  if i became the monster and threw that guilt away would that make us stronger?  ❜

The Thunder Saga ❛  you wouldn't have spared me. i made a mistake like this, it almost cost my life.  ❜ ❛  i've got a secret i can no longer keep.  ❜ ❛  you know that we are the same.  ❜ ❛  we must do what it takes to survive.  ❜ ❛  tell me you did not know that would happen.  ❜ ❛  if you want all the power, you must carry all the blame.  ❜ ❛  how are we supposed to trust you now?  ❜ ❛  how much longer must i suffer now?  ❜ ❛  someone's gotta die today and you have got the final say.  ❜ ❛  please don't make me do this.  ❜

The Wisdom Saga ❛  you've made your worst mistake here.  ❜ ❛  this cruel world doesn't give out presents just for being good.  ❜ ❛  you're my friend, i couldn't ask for more.  ❜ ❛  did you know you talk in your sleep?  ❜ ❛  i'm what you want here, i'm what you need here.  ❜ ❛  you don't know what i've gone through.  ❜ ❛  i know your life's been hard, i'll stay inside your heart.  ❜ ❛  life would be so much worse if you had died.  ❜ ❛  you dare to defy me, to make me feel shame?  ❜ ❛  no one beats me, no one wins my game.  ❜

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Astarion can’t help the breath of a laugh that escapes him—a soft, ragged thing, more exhale than sound—as her first response tumbles out, half a joke, half a defense. It’s so her, so brash and unfiltered, that it pierces through the weight of his shame for the barest of moments. The ghost of a smile tugs at his lips, fleeting but genuine, though the fear lurking in his eyes never quite fades.

When she says she wants to punch him in the gut, he finds himself half-expecting the blow, his body tensing instinctively. It wouldn’t be undeserved—gods, if anything, he’d welcome it, that simple, physical pain over this raw, sprawling vulnerability. He braces himself, one eye half on her fists. But the punch never comes, and the longer she pauses, the more he finds himself on edge, a flicker of tension coiled tight in his stomach, waiting for the inevitable lashing of her anger.

Instead, she breathes—deep and steady, calming herself in a way he has to admire, even if it leaves him feeling like a prisoner awaiting judgment. She speaks, sharp and coarse as always, but he can see her shifting, struggling with emotions that tug at the edges of her gruff, indignant facade. And gods, he understands. He understands the instinct to mask every wound, to twist pain into barbs and humor, to bury every fragile piece of himself under layers of bravado.

❛ My, I never do get tired of your colorful vocabulary, darling, ❜ he attempts to tease and make the mood lighter, but he feels it falls flat, ❛ But you’re right—it was . . . shit. A death pit sounds like a fun time in comparison to . . . this. ❜

But then . . . she softens, just a little, and he feels something inside him soften in response, like thawing ice. Her words again amuse him, the fierce certainty that she does deserve something real, and the dramatic little huff that accompanies it pulls a reluctant, almost tender smile from him. There’s a kind of flair to her petulance that he can’t help but appreciate.

She wants them to be something real. She wants him—even after all of this, after every filthy truth he’s confessed, she would still want him. It feels like hope, foreign and unfamiliar, slipping into the cracks of his heart despite himself. He stares at her, momentarily stunned, his mind grappling with the reality of it, with the ache of longing that he’s fought so hard to deny.

❛ Really? ❜ The word falls from his lips, soft and almost disbelieving, his voice catching on the edge of something too vulnerable to fully contain. There’s a look on his face, a mixture of wounded surprise and something almost like relief, as though he’s spent so long expecting rejection that he can hardly process this . . . acceptance. But then the relief twists into something darker, something knotted with shame, and he feels his expression shift, his gaze faltering as a familiar wave of discomfort rises in his chest.

He wants this—wants her—with a need that borders on desperation, but there are still pieces of him that are broken, wounds that run deeper than he knows how to heal. He owes her the truth, even if it is raw and ugly, even if it feels like flaying himself open all over again.

❛ Being . . . close to someone, ❜ he begins, his voice wavering, each word heavy with years of buried anguish, ❛ any kind of intimacy was something I . . . performed.” He pauses, his gaze dropping to the ground, as though he could hide from the memories clawing their way to the surface. ❛ To lure people back . . . for him. ❜

Just speaking it aloud makes him feel filthy, like he’s dragging himself through centuries of sludge, every word dredging up fragments of his past that he’s tried so desperately to forget. The faces of those he lured into darkness flash in his mind—people he deceived, people he destroyed, all in the service of that monster, that wretched creature who turned him into this. He swallows hard, forcing himself to look at her again, even as the disgust coils hot and shameful in his chest.

❛ But being with you has always felt . . . different. ❜ His voice is softer now, almost a whisper, and he can feel his hands trembling, his fingers curling into his palms to stop the shaking. ❛ And yet it still feels . . . tainted. ❜ He feels his throat tighten, the painful lump rising as he struggles to hold back the storm of emotion roiling inside him. ❛ . . . it brings up all those feelings of disgust and . . . self-loathing. ❜ The words tear at him, every syllable dragging him deeper into that dark, festering pit of his past. ❛ I . . . I’m afraid I don’t know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I’d like to. ❜

Astarion forces a smile, the expression barely holding shape on his face. He tries for his usual charm, something sly and flippant to mask the dread curling like smoke in his chest, but it falls flat, hollow. The words are thin on his lips, trembling like leaves caught in a midnight wind. ❛ Not exactly . . . ❜ he murmurs, the attempt at humor barely brushing the fear lodged deep in his throat. ❛ But you might be telling me to go fuck myself in a moment. ❜

His own chuckle in his throat dies quickly, and he feels his gaze drop. He’s not sure what terrifies him more—the thought of hurting her, shattering that warm look in her eyes, or the brutal reality that she could rip him apart, limb from limb, if she so desired. Perhaps she should. Perhaps he deserves nothing less.

But there’s no turning back now. His carefully crafted mask is already crumbling, and he’s weary of the lies, of hiding behind glances and innuendo to keep her from seeing the monstrous truth. He inhales sharply, steeling himself, and lifts his gaze back to hers, his voice raw, scraped clean of its usual silk.

❛ I had a plan—a nice . . . simple plan. Seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me. ❜ A wretched, brittle smile pulls at his lips, followed by a choked, bitter laugh. The sound tastes like ash on his tongue, and he has to resist the urge to look away, to hide himself from her steady gaze.

❛ It was easy, ❜ he presses on, his tone growing quieter, hollowed out by memory. ❛ Instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in . . . ❜ He falters, his voice catching as a shadow of old wounds darkens his expression. The image of Cazador flashes in his mind, cold and sharp as a blade to the throat. All those people he’d lured to their doom—sweetened with lies, with seduction, with promises he never intended to keep. ❛ All you had to do . . . was fall for it. ❜

He feels his voice breaking, emotion slipping through like a blade between his ribs, and he scolds himself silently, furious at the way his composure shatters so easily in front of her. A raw ache claws its way up his throat, and he swallows hard, trying to force it back. But the words keep spilling out, relentless, refusing to be buried any longer.

❛ And all I had to do was . . . not fall for you. ❜ His lips twist into a fragile smile, a desperate, self-deprecating thing. ❛ Which is where my nice, simple plan . . . fell apart. ❜

The confession feels like he’s ripped himself open, every dark, festering secret laid bare between them. He doesn’t know if she’ll recoil from him now, if the light in her eyes will dim with disappointment, with anger, with betrayal. He braces himself for it, every muscle wound tight as wire, waiting for the inevitable pain that he knows he’s earned. He deserves her fury. He deserves her disgust. But a small, desperate hope clings to him, trembling, fragile as glass. He steels himself, his gaze softening as he forces himself to look at her fully, letting every raw edge, every fractured piece of himself show. He no longer has the strength to hide.

❛ Katya . . . ❜ Her name falls from his lips like a prayer, like something sacred and forbidden, and he can feel the tremor in his voice as he says it. ❛ I think you’re . . . incredible. Unapologetic, and strong, and fierce in ways I’ll never be. You deserve something real. ❜ A weak, trembling smile tugs at his lips, more genuine this time, though it barely conceals the terror wild in his eyes. He’s handing her the dagger that could ruin him, trusting her with the sharp edge of his soul, and he has no idea if he’ll survive the aftermath.

❛ I want us . . . ❜ His voice cracks, and he pauses, swallowing hard, before forcing the words out with a courage he never knew he had. ❛ I want us to be something real. ❜

[starcunin]