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I am going to sleep

with the biggest smile

on these lips.

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-Ana Rodrigues, Poetry of Love (2023)-

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Art by Rachel Eaton

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Art by Ana M

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Stargazer by Assia Maeve Wynn

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don't get sad instead buy your son ninja swords and yourself new markers and some sweet smelling candles to light those bitches up

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omg trigger days are exhausting

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‘SO EVERY NIGHT , I BECOME THE STARLIGHT AND SHINE‘

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this is so Elwing coded

[Bella Dayne as Helen of Troy in Troy: Fall of a City]

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BELLA DAYNE AS HELEN OF TROY IN TROY: FALL OF A CITY (2018).

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iphigenia

I pointed at my throat

and lifted my chin

and told you to do it

take my life

and say the words

you can never take back

I put the most tender part of me

let you take it in your hands

bring it to your altar

but I noticed there were no flowers

just fire and a copper dagger

but I'm your daughter

I knew my voice was silent

in your ears and the light

was gone from your eyes

you didn't recognize me anymore

I said to you finally

this time you heard me

if it is to happen then

let there be no struggle

and there wasn't

I didn't even feel the blade

just woke up another ghost

my blood all over your hands

and you called it wine

but I was holy water

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that desire to run away

there was something about the room arrangement

the company and the hand sculpture

completely different but triggering something feral

a festering pain in the darkness of me

that was a vengeful ghost only to be banished

by speaking their name and foul deeds aloud

and poetry is meant to be read aloud

thank you for being my witness

the scene I found myself in reminded

that scared and very small part of me of

my childhood and in a desperate moment

I knew and felt every memory that rose up

I remembered what it was like to

want to love somebody

my own mother in fact

isn't there something wrong with you

when you can't love your own mother

just fundamentally in some way

I always felt that way

but my mother was a sick danger to me

she gave me the feeling of seeing a rabid animal

you know it can't help its foaming mouth

and there's such pain behind those hateful eyes

but you have to obey as a daughter child

consent is something they teach in the future

the sad truth is that I had a hard time even liking her

as she got worse everyone seemed to

but everyone else could get away

but how can you hate your own mother?

it goes against even biology

my love was never love but fear of consequences

I tried everything to forget her painful hands

but she hit me all the time

and everyone else believed she had a right to

it was also done to them as a child

what does it mean if she's wrong?

she was dangerous to me

with everyone else's approval

and I was supposed to be grateful

my fear and pain she inspired

according to my family would help me become

a better person and citizen

then again none of my family seemed to fit

that description either so I was suspect

maybe they just got off hitting and abusing kids

I was a daughter which meant I was often

left with her and her triggers were never consistent

just her physical and emotional violence

words were weapons and if I reacted the wrong way

it only got to much worse with her hands

I was often yelled at for crying then

because I was making her the bad guy

for my child body's natural release for overwhealm

life with her was daily psychological torture

but I still feel guilty sometimes for abandoning her

it's the absolute worst thing you can do to a parent

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please. stop. thinking.

it's funny how my anxiety

wants to gnaw on my thoughts like bones

but there really isn't that much to chew

there used to be more

maybe I'm still just really tired

I can feel my mind still trying to calcuate

to make something mechanical

the gears want to shift and cycle

but nothing is happening

every time there is a structural change

in my life everything gets squirrelly

like this is the time I will drop into the void

this is the time it will be too much

and I'll spontaneously combust

let's worry about every aspect of it

yes, it's going to be hard

and yes, everything feels hard

but once we adapt it's never so bad

I must have been like this before

I just wasn't aware of it

now I'm aware of it

plus, if I spontaneously combust

I won't really have to worry about anything

I have more plans that will likely fall through

but everything I've done and tried got me here

and I quite like it here so maybe

it'll all turn out just fine

and we can think about something slightly positive?

or at very least make a grocery list

not that I'll follow it

brain I love you

but please shut the fuck up

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A Walk at Twilight

Vincent van Gogh, 1890

Oil on canvas, 52 × 47 cm, MASP, São Paulo, Brazil

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Crepúsculo (Twilight) (1890) by Ulpiano Checa Sanz

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