stardust-in-my-mind-blog

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

bull moose boy

today my youngest is seven

his first word was "go"

he'd just point and say it

pretty effective for a first word

he used to call all candy "gum"

he kind of had his own language

even his own name "Io"

this is the first year he called

his brother and sister by their names

they were "Guy" and "Ooh." before

he says he wants to grow up and to be a brave man

one time when I was really mad I said

that people who lie are cowards

and then I accidently lied about something

and when I confessed he literally smirked at me

and then asked if I was a coward

he only needs to see something done once

and then he's ready to try it out himself

he says he loves that I laugh at all his jokes

and that he likes me songs and art

his favorite song is "Big Iron" by Johnny Cash

today he told me all about seeing

how to train your dragon at the movies

and tomorrow night he's leaving

for pennsylvania to go see his dog vincent

I'm pretty good at distracting myself

but life sure seems to send a message

I just beat him at battleship tonight

and he wanted to focus 'till the end

even mimicked my strategies

he's a really good kid and I'm so lucky

to get to be his mother

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

vitality

my universe

sings to me

through me

a symphony

in my blood

in my veins

in my vital force

and I hear yours

under your skin

when you're near

to me and I like

the song

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

true facts

my psychic just texted me

about the devil and lovers and towers

and the specific instructions of

not to play with fire

I never listen

I never listen

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (2004)

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hey first post I make musical fanart hi🥀

everyone seems to be here so testing out the app tehe

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taste of whiskey

my favorite little memory from this weekend

was you telling me you were a city boy

and I began singing a journey song

and then we were singing it together

can you imagine telling us years ago

we'd be sitting at that table

singing together and laughing

after seasons of a journey I let play

in my mind with scenes where we

are messing with each other

always finding a way to fuck around

you bring out the child in me

that I thought I'd forgotten

with anyone but my children

you saw me too and

now we get to sing together

one of my favorite things to do

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something something shanghai

I was just reminded of this conversation

we had once and I can still somehow feel

both your resulting frustration from that conversation

and the secret thrill I'd get when I frustrated you

in a way I didn't mean but still could enjoy

I told you I wanted to go to China and had all these

ideas and reasons about temples and how if I wore

sharp hair sticks I'd be absolutely protected

and then my mind jumps to another conversation

around this time last year when I mentioned

singing at a karaoke contest and how someday

I'd be famous enough to have security or something

I didn't know at the time protection was already there

and it'd taken me about four hours that day to

regulate my spazzed out nervous system to call

the lyft to pick me up and take me there

I used to go walk by the river so often

and sit on that bench under a tree and daydream

about someone that I thought was so far away

to be seen and known and remembered in so many

of the same ways I knew and saw and remembered you

our shadows tripping us up while our bodies

at least my body kept convincing me I was insane

for this rather stubborn obsession I couldn't shake

and would have never believed was mutual

even when it's literally in front of my face

I'll fall asleep smiling and smiling and smiling tonight

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sad eyes love sad eyes

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musical conversations new library card getting my favorite french fries instead of another lyft it's hot as fuck outside but the day only got better

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still don't know what we're going

to do with that right wing

but he's talking to me again

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Junicorn day 3 #

THe Sunrise

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

fourth moon

The Spirits visited Grandmother who slept in the wigwam, bringing her a vision of her grandson's future mate. The child had passed eight winters and was still with his mother. He would pass many more winters before he met the woman who would bear his children, but the Grandmother knew that she was being given the sign that it was time for her to start making the ceremonial buckskins that the couple would wear on their wedding day.

Over the seasons that passed, Grandmother gathered all the special materials she would need to make the wedding regalia. She worked many moons on each garment over the years. When the grandson found the love of his life, the young man's mother smiled to herself. The young woman was the one Grandmother described from a dream of long ago.

When the Sun came that marked the day of union, the proud couple stood before the fire in the regalia Grandmother had made them. They jumped in the fire together, symbolizing the bond between them, merging their union with the Eternal Flame of Love. Grandmother's dream was fulfilled. The promise of love had come into fruition.

Even though her earthly form had gone into the Other Side Camp many seasons before, the truth in her dreams allowed Grandmother to leave her grandson a legacy. The legacy was the realized dream of her love.

Dreaming the Mate

Dreamwalker comes softly Bringing visions of delight Where in dreams he visited My slumber last night

My heart is in your pocket So tenderly refrain From pressing on it Lest it should break Before we meet again

Dreamwalker come hold me Against your breast tonight So I may know the ecstasy Of two hearts burning bright

And you will know my spirit Has visited you once more With devotion as resounding As waves, crashing to the shore

Earth Medicine : Ancestors' Ways of Harmony For Many Moons by Jamie Sams

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

body keeping the score again

I woke up so nauseous

sore and swollen and tired

all these symptoms

aren't from the calm of last night

but my body remembering

remembering where I was

where I was soooooo ready to escape

the misery of the final legs of

past pregnancies and it's funny

how I start with my hardest first

the way I feel I keep expecting

to look down and be unable to see my feet

even my soft belly is firm with stress

makes sense I guess right now

but it is a very weird sensation

my youngest was born on the twenty fourth

my older two came to visit him

in the hospital in the nicu for about

nine days where he learned how to breathe

I had something called preeclampsia

where essentially my blood was boiling

me and that baby alive inside me

I was also in the middle of a custody battle

they put me on bed rest which was awful

luckily I had the dimeless FMLA to keep

the job that I suddenly had to leave

that was a pretty stressful time

and the wildcard inside me

was ready to come out and play

and I was ready to be alone in my body again

they gave him this little yellow duck hat

while he was attached to all those machines

it was weird being treated like my life

was threatened and people wanted to change it

I'd always apologize to the nurses

for all the trouble they took

caring for me and it was stressful

with the other births I usually left early

but when I got to take him home

everything was worth it

yeah, that last one was rough

but it could have been worse

not really my favorite memory

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

overflow verses release

I realized tonight

something about myself

I'm tired of learning

about myself sometimes

but I'd always been comfortable

crying with witnesses present

if I was overflowing with emotion

like for ceremonies or movies

my heart would overflow

and I'd weep openly

but it took a decade

of raising my own children

internalizing that their expression

of sadness or anger

crying to release

those negative emotions

was a rule I could follow

even as an adult

because when I cried

as a child I was told

and there was follow through

that my tears would bring

only more pain if I dared

to express them to

the person who was hurting me

little bit of a midfuck

some shitty conditioning

but tonight something

made me feel okay to

lay my cheek on a shoulder

and let something

express itself through my eyes

knowing that my upset

my tears or my sadness

wouldn't be weaponized

was a revolutionary thought

to me that was brought to

my awareness tonight

and that connection

in that vulnerable moment

made it all the better

even if it felt

rather embarassing

it was real

it was real

it was real

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

just a little pressure

I have been trying to figure myself out

all fucking day in all the mindful

and mindless ways that I communicate

with myself and all the systems

I use to keep everything

somewhat together

usually I have songs or poetry

or scenes or characters

even mythos to help me

describe whatever I'm

experiencing in my body

I don't always expect people

to believe me or think

I'm being honest but I

have learned how to say it

anyways rather assertively

it still hurts to remember

the good feelings after divorce

and that birthday party

in a relatively peaceful but chaotic

sort of environment

all of us in that little room

celebrating one of us

giving him the best day

there are still parts of me

resentful as I pick out the thorns

I internalized because of someone

who weaponized his insecurity

and knew just where to harm me

where it wouldn't show to the world

but it still almost destroyed my life

and I'm better and life is better

I fucking hate leeches

and that's what it feels like

I'm still pulling off my spirit

these nasty emotional leeches

that show up like today

and I have to look around for it

knowing how degusted I'll be

when I find it and objectively

the leech is just doing

what it knows best

I don't blame myself for the contempt

but I feel it slide over me like a

fine toothed comb over my skin

taking with it old scabs

bloody but smooth

like the bite of a leech

I remember the summer I got my first one

we were kids and I was playing with

a neighbor girl in the creek

we were catching minnows

they were flashes of silver in the water

we splashed each other with our nets

when we got home I screamed

in the shower and begged her to take it off

I couldn't touch it

the texture and wiggle and it took

so long for her to pull it off

I was convinced I was dying

like a kid always believes

oh wait that's not normal

I forgot again

I watched my daughter be so strong

as she had to fully accept and understand

this man who was a father to her

from a toddler to a year ago

was now going to be a stranger

the man I chose and did so mindfully

I still like to blame myself for everything

but I know I'm not to blame

for how he made that house feel

when he changed his entire presence

and left us all so confused in lies

and all that conflict and inconsistency

of course all these feelings are surfacing

of course I was overwhelmed and numb

no one should have to endure or survive that

getting my body used to proximity

was going to do that and it remembers him well

I felt like there was a tiger inside me

watching every move he made

without looking at him

it wasn't that he was dangerous

but he was always so hostile

and hostile always escalates

I wasn't going to wait around for that

and I have a habit of being provocative

even named my perfume after it

layers have been slowly peeled back

heart is lightening and opening again

of course I felt like that

of course I did