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Everyone online talks about sending memes to friends non stop and I’m like “I do that” but no one ever sends me any memes

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Imma bit high rn and because of said highness I was having to focus on one word at a time whilst reading text posts and I found them funnier because I didn’t accidentally read the whole post at the same time thus not spoiling the punchline at the same time I comprehended the setup and I’m thinking,

Is this how most people read? One word at a time? Y’all I’m so high rn

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what do you MEAN they FUCKING MISSED???

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Do I hate turkey or do I just always buy subpar turkey?

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What I said: your eyes are pretty

What I meant: if there was a movie set in Ireland about a young man or woman who fell in love with a woman because she was the kindest most beautiful woman they’d ever met but then she turned into a fairy and disappeared into the light of the sunset as it shined on the forest then that woman would have your eyes

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I’ve washed my shoes in the washing machine before. I’ve even dried them in the dryer. But who puts their shoes in the dryer AT 11:30 PM??? The answer here is; my roommate, apparently.

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I’m high rn and it bothered me that fake skulls sometimes have “angry eyebrows” to make them angrier or scarier but a real skull doesn’t have that so I googled “real human skull” and I was looking at the images and thought “see, real skulls are more Gregory shaped”

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Today on Things I’ve Heard Kids Say in the Bathroom at Work:

“You know what I say quietly when I’m pushing out a poop? Dreams don’t work unless you do.”

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OH NO you don’t approve of the way I’m enjoying existing in my meat suit? Good thing you have your own meat suit and don’t have to worry about what I do with mine

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I just ate a hotdog but I’m still depressed wtf

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YES I'M GAY:

faGgot

dykAe (the a is silent)

trannY

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At some point in your life, you were taught that being slightly annoying is an unforgivable sin. Maybe it was by your parents or a teacher or a friend or a bully or an older sibling. But someone taught you that being slightly annoying is a crime punishable by death.

You must unlearn this.

You must accept that all people will be annoying at some point or another in their lives, maybe all of their lives, and that this is okay. It is okay for strangers on the bus, it is okay for children in the grocery store, it is okay for people on social media, and it is okay for you.

If you ever want to truly love your fellow humans, if you ever want to truly love yourself, you must have forgiveness for being annoying.

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My landlord was replacing our sink and sent me this.

(Source)

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Tempted to reread the New Testament just to try and figure out which disciples banged Jesus