starry-sage - Tumblr blog

[starry-sage]

[starry-sage]

you just know when someone in customer service says “thank you for your patience!!!!” they’re fighting for their lives that day

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when tumblrs removed the tags everyone was like “being back the porn” “the porn!!” but like bring back the meanspo or thinspo and also stop asking if i need help and giving me a number i don’t want it!!!!!

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I’m gaining weight so fast what is happening

I’m gonna sink back lower into a depression

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It’s 6 am and I decided to weigh myself before bed.

My scale has a low battery and I know this, but lately I’ve been taking photos of my body and even if I’m still sucking in and posing, my body has never looked like this before.

So I stepped on the scale. Hours ago I had eaten out, so I was already thinking about the added weight, but I’ve gotten used to the bigger number after meals.

Imagine my surprise when it read 109. That is underweight for me. Very happy now, I have to do it again, as confirmation. 109 lbs.

At this point I’m overjoyed. I’ve been telling myself that I will reach my goal weight eventually, and I finally did. On the month I’ve had planned out for yeaaaars it has seems like.

My first thought was to go show my bf. He knows I struggle but hasn’t shown any apparent concern. So, I go out to the living room where he is playing games and tell him, “I’m not sure if the scale is broken, but it says 109 lbs. that’s my goal weight and technically it’s underweight.”

He has a blank look on his face and looks me up and down like he doesn’t believe it

Like ouch…. I know I still have fat everywhere but that’s because I haven’t been working out, that’s gonna happen when you lose weight but don’t tone. But I thought I could see a difference. I’m the one who is supposed to be critical of the way I look, not him.

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My struggles of decisions in the morning:

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i want to get worse, so much worse

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Ayyy… I know this is like a year later but I’m 2 lbs away and I keep dropping. I manifested the month not the exact year lmao. I’ve been the same area of weight for like a year now and I’m sick of it.

Manifesting: I will be 110 lbs by March

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-You ever just realize that a friend who is basically your size is judging you for what you eat........like bitch we are the same size quit looking at me like that-

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wish i could rip the fat of me.

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Going to be trying for 500 calories a day this week

Need to stop the binge

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Aight i just had like. A two month long binge/recovery/relapse but into real eating habits and although my mental health was better i also gained like 10 lbs and am back at my starting weight which is just delightful.

Anyway I had no plans to relapse but something about the fall season just really sends me into my initial ed mentality from the beginning so here we are again.

Also not only am I in school (college freshman) now but im also moved out of my parents house so i have no money and total control of my food so thats nice. I still have a brownie and a danish and a sandwich in front of me because im disgusting.

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I was trying to tell my roommate that just because she has been eating doesnt mean she is cured from her ED. Because she was making it seem like she thought her ED was invalid since she works out and eats regularly

So, I was comparing it to my thoughts of “oh yea I must’ve been faking my ED until I moved in with you because now I eat all the time. But then, today I had a pop tart and the entire time I was eating it I was nauseous with the thought of how many calories was in it.”

And she laughed and turned to my bf and went “Yea sage, you must’ve been faking” and played it off as a joke

But I don’t know if I believe it was a joke because lately I’ve been seeing how she treats my ED as if i am only saying I have one for attention. Always comparing mine with hers and saying how easy it must be for me because I am already thin.

And I just want to scream every time

I’ve had this illness longer than you, I have had it since I was 11, I’ve worked so hard and relapsed so many times to even get to this weight

But I don’t, because I know how fucked up that would make ME feel if someone said that to me, so why would I say that to someone else

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everyday i step on my silly little scale, lose my silly little weight and continue my silly little life

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I wish I looked good in loungewear ⛅️

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Me: *binges* ok I really need to work out after this

My depression: sorry what?