starryfrogg - Tumblr blog

[starryfrogg]

Scared money dont make money!!!!

Im scared but I don’t wanna die not having gotten over a confusing and unrequited love so I’m trying Bumble again.

Trauma, trauma go away and don’t come back another day.

[starryfrogg]

Being a person is really hard. Feeling things is very hard. Cuz you can’t run away from feelings. Everyday I need to do things that keep me from overthinking. I also have to feed myself, make myself presentable to leave my house, constantly clean, and work a job.

I think it’s a curse. A curse that it takes me so long to actually develop feelings for people. Because then when the person I like shows clear signs of not liking me back, I’m devastated. It’s not supposed to be but, the rejection feels personal. It’s exhausting trying to push my feelings away because my stupid brain always wants to blame something. It always wants an explanation as to why this didn’t work out. Who best to blame but me. It only makes sense that I’m not good enough. That I wasn’t or didn’t do enough to make them fall in love with me. It’s especially hard when I develop feelings for a friend. A person who has firmly integrated themselves into my life and routine for the past year and a half.

I think they know I like them. Which make it worse. I’m not particularly good at hiding my feelings. Are they choosing to ignore them in an effort to keep our friendship? Or because they like keeping me around knowing I’d do anything for them if they asked? I’m really not sure but the thought of it is suffocating me. I can’t quiet the thoughts, nothing is helping. So I just keep myself busy and push down the tears. Because this too shall pass.

This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this, and probably won’t be the last. I just want to finally love someone who loves me back. I deserve that at least.

[starryfrogg]

What am I so afraid of?

Being vulnerable is embarrassing especially in front of someone I like? With online dating it’s different.

The person you meet doesn’t know you as a person so you have a short amount of time to make them want to stick around. Then you tell them whats wrong with you and hope they stay.

What if they don’t stay? What if all the suspicions I had about myself are try and there is something wrong with me that’s too much to make people want to stay?

Well if they don’t stay, that just confirms that they weren’t meant for you. And that’s okay.

But that still doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t t want to do this. I think I would rather get to know someone in person and become friends with them first before the idea of dating is on the table. I would just feel more comfortable that way.

I think that’s okay too. But in order to meet new people, you’ll unfortunately have to put yourself out there and try new things. Cuz the things you have been trying, haven’t worked.

[starryfrogg]

Yesterday night I was fighting demons (my own thoughts) and I cried.

I think it was the stress of work and my class, and I think I was just feeling unlovable? But all is well now. I cried it out and then I went to sleep.

My body doesn’t hurt like it has been the last few days and I think that is something to feel greatful for.

I really like my ta in plant id. He is very nice. And I really feel like he wants us all to succeed. Which makes me want to do well in class. Ive also been trying to be more concious about getting more sleep because i realize that is one of the most important things affecting my mood since Ive been working alot and need to study afterwards.

That’s all I have to say.

Thanks for listening.

[starryfrogg]

I swore off the dating apps months ago but I redownloaded bumble and Im thinking about giving it a go again. But im so scared of getting hurt and I still have the tiny issue of still liking [them who shall not be named]. In that sense I think its a bit unfair for me to consider dating someone when I still harbor those feelings.

[starryfrogg]

2024

So after crying, feeling shitty, crying some more, having my best friend call me an idiot and ignore me when I tired to open up about my sadness, and now just feeling pangs of sadness, I think I’m ready to let go. Sometimes figuring thing out alone isn’t the best way, but the only way. I was really depressed for a few days.

It’s really hard letting go of feelings you had for someone that grew slow and steady over the past year. And its even more so considering this is the 2nd time I really liked someone who doesn’t like me back. And I don’t feel romantic feelings for people easily or often.

I don’t want to be second best. I want to be someone’s first choice. And if I can’t be that, then I don’t want them. I deserve better.

Its okay! I want to believe that some time soon, I’ll meet a wonderful person who likes me back. There’s too many people in the world for that not to be true.

[starryfrogg]

Literally kicking my feet and giggling just watching them talk about something they’re passionate about.

Gahhh I’m in too deep…

[starryfrogg]

Guess who went the whole day without saying happy new year to me?

My crush.

It’s confirmed. They don’t like me like I like them. They just like me as a friend and not even a good friend. They only text me when they want me to do something or if they’re responding to something I said. I’m tired of being the only one initiating conversations and feeling like if I’m not useful to them I’m not worth their time.

I already struggle with feeling comfortable taking up space in people’s lives. I can’t relapse after I’ve made so much progress.

If I end up liking another person who doesn’t like me back, I’m gonna swear off romance forever. This is the second time it’s happened and it’s a bummer because I don’t feel romantic feeling for people often.

So I’m letting go of my feelings. :(

[starryfrogg]

Confusing

It's so fucking confusing figuring out if someone likes you romantically or just as friend when they always go above and beyond to be nice to you (and everyone). At this point, I might just ask them directly if they like me because this is stupid. And I refuse to giggle in my room at the idea of them liking me when I could just be wasting my time, again.

New years resolutions;

Be kind to yourself and others (even when life is kicking your ass)

Stand your ground and believe that you have all you need to succeed

Be more bisexual

Go out to a gay bar

Let go and have some fun

Be direct and confess when you like someone romantically.

[starryfrogg]

Things I find really sexy

(This is going to be an ongoing list)

1. Nipple/Septum piercings and rings

I don’t know how to explain it beyond that. I just really like the way they look on all people. I think it just add and air of dominance to someone and I just find that so attractive. I have a septum piercing myself and I 100% believe that it alone has made me hot.

2. People into rock climbing

So I mean I’m a little biased as I have a crush on someone who’s into rock climbing deeper than its a strength thing. Like if you rock climbing often, I imagine you’d give the strong comforting hugs that could shied me from all the bad things in the world. Ive tried rocking and that shit is kinda hard but it’s definitely fun.

3. Asking me what I want to do

And this one might sound stupid but I love love love when I’m out with someone and they ask me what I want to do. I’ve kinda lived my whole life being led around and expected to just do things one way and accept it. So when someone asks me what I think or wants to know what to do next based on my comfort level, that shit is so hot. Like I’ve automatically fallen madly in love with you. Oops my pupils are heart shaped now.

4. Tummies and boobs

Honestly I turn feral when I see people with tummies. Boobs are a plus. I just love seeing them because imagine how soft and warm they would feel. They’re also grounding to me in a way. Idk who else to explain that.

5. Trimmed armpits and pubic hair

I can’t back the people who think shaving is the way to go. Adults are hairy it only natural to have hair. Its also a grounding thing to me. Like I want to pet it.

[starryfrogg]

WHEN WILL THIS SEMESTER END!?!!? I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. IVE ALREADY CRIED, IM TIRED, AND I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT AHHHHHHHHHH

[starryfrogg]

Every day I ask myself: Can I make this outfit more gay? I want people to look at me and come to the conclusion that I am not straight. Thank you.

[starryfrogg]

I DID THE DATING APP THING!!

I can’t believe I forgot to mention that. I talked to 4 people. 2 were non binary, 1 was a trans woman and other was a cis woman. It didn’t go up in flames it just wasn’t great. I realize people dont know how to ask each other question and have conversations. I’m tired of being the only person asking the questions.

I thought for a second I was getting somewhere with the last two 2 people I talked to but no dice. Of the two, one I was kinda into “C” (for short) kinda just ghosted me for a week then apologized for it citing things were making her anxious. I thought that was nice of her to apologize but then she ghosted again the following week. So I unmatched with her. Of course people deserve the time to handle their shit, but I’m not gonna wait around for her when I deserve someone who’ll obsess over me. I’m a great catch.

But that whole thing made me realize I get really hurt when people ghost me because the only person I ever loved romantically did that to me until our friendship fell apart. So the ghosting made me spiral, I cried a bit, felt not good enough, and then I got my period. So thats what led me to deciding to unmatch with her.

No more dating apps for now. Possibly till the end of college. I want to meet people organically. And I would like to get a girlfriend but I’m not upset if I get a boyfriend. I just want someone to love and someone who’ll love me. I want a friends to lovers story damnit! And I feel like dating apps won’t get me there.

[starryfrogg]

I just watched kung fu panda 2 and I cried. It was a good cry. I freaking love that movie. I’m emotionally attached and I will continue to love it as long as I breathe. I’ll be rewatching it next week. One of my favorites of all time. Also if I lived in that universe, I would marry Tigress. No question about it.

[starryfrogg]

Bras are so uncomfortable. Free the nipple.

[starryfrogg]

Note to Self: Do not share too much about your life or opinions. People may find that weird. I know that I shouldn't feel bad about sharing my thoughts but in a weird way I still feel like I should be the quiet person people expect from me. But that person isn't me. It's the mask I put on to protect myself at a time when I could not understand my own emotions.

[starryfrogg]

Every time I think about taking the leap and going on a dating app, I get bombarded with thoughts of not feeling good enough or worthy of anyone’s time. Like I have tried very hard to build my self esteem up and I have improved. But its still a work in progress. Like how can I convince someone to give me the time of day when I don’t even know what I’m worth? I’ve had so many people tell me I’m boring.