starvette

[starvette]

NEW FOOD LAWS

WHAT THE DIET HAZ 2 B: vegan low calories no fruit or sweeteners or added sugar currently gluten free low GI except I don't have a cgm so I go by ~the vibes~ (fuck)

MEAL IDEAS :) overnight potatoes (precook small portions?) canned beans salmon tuna fettuccine sundried tomatoes DIY frozen veggie mix avocado slicerinos lentil cakes with toppings but I'm always too lazy to make these nuts and seeds veg soup with soy croutons expensive health crackers if desperate chew on kale or cabbage tofu coconut curry that bean recipe from my friend chickpeas in vinaigrette chia pudding collagen w just milk or coffee or tea oven roasted zucchini or batate crackers with olives bok choi salad

WHAT TO DO IF SUGAR CRAVINGS HIT 1) steal mini sugar packets and make like a cocoa at home 2) dates or bananas or LIDL fruit bars..? or frozen blueberries 3) honestly i have no idea. have you tried just bearing it? maybe they go away?

ABSOLUTELY BANNED

that valsoia ice cream specifically anything else with seed oils, artificial sweeteners, or gluten PEANUT BUTTER vegan candies incl those chewy ones incl small ones dark chocolate currently coz I'm afraid it's too sweet, I binge on it and it's high calories

[starvette]

T 35/90 || GF 20

So, in the past twenty four hours, not including sleeping and biking, I sat for: 235.5min which is nearly 4 hours! To be more precise, 3h 55.5min. Still kind of much, no? Well, then imagine how much I sit normally when I don't try not to with all my being. I guess, during this experiment, no swinging for me either hahaha.

Also, I promptly need new food rules before I have another mental breakdown expensive binge day.

Oh, oops. I had another mental breakdown expensive binge day. Fortified gluten free corn flakes and yucky nougat made with free range eggs. I did make some new rules just now though. I think my computer is breathing funny. So, yeah. Gonna get on track now. The new plan is to just try new healthy combinations of preworkout meals every day until I hit the right fucking combination! For my overall diet plan I decided to go back to the torturous Kitavan without sweets or fruit.

Right now it's three PM and I will fast for nine plus twenty four hours, that is, thirty three hours, until the seventh of July. I also have a plan for like some crazy hunger pangs or feeling faint - I'll either cook the zucchini in my fridge without oil or get pickles. That's right-o. Okay. And I will have to come back here again and blog every day about how I'm holding up. Warning: it's gonna blow.

[starvette]

T 34/90 fuck I'm not really Kitavan anymo

Hey. The third of July was so stormy I slept like a puppy without a care in the world. Some very good stuff happened. I didn't sleep for a day which messed me the hell up and I was once more can't-lift-my-arm-up exhausted for the next two days. But I want to write now because I have a new action in mind.

I'm going to be standing or walking as much as possible first for the next week and then for another week. Now, since this will be very difficult and change my routines I thought I must blog about it. I will have to finally surrender the incessant reading. I mean I can still read on laptop, it's just more difficult. I guess I'll pretend I became Ali and moved to a horse farm and now run around all day (although you do sit when you ride a horse...) or I became a nurse, or I got a job at H&M, or I became nineteen year old waitress Lana, or went to K-pop idol camp. I realize that living this way indoors at all times might get unbearable so I'm prepared to put on UVmune and head out during the day. Just doing all this for the so far incurable KP. It hasn't budged an inch and it's fucking distressing. I'm most worried that I did this to myself with those failed laser treatments. They may have killed my oil glands. What if I'm like those poor bastards who LASIKd their eyeballs?

Last evening (it's a little past midnight now) I got Haribo strawberries. They were incredible at first, and then whatever. Then I watched Lilja for twelve minutes but it was enough to get me down. People weren't fucking kidding when they said it's a bummer. The candies with tea were meant as my preworkout and, hey, it worked, but Lilja got me scared of jogging at nearly midnight.

What happened with kitavaning? It's a mess. I've been eating sweets or fruit and then running or at least biking or dancing soon after. That would be fine as I indeed get energized and don't bloat, but still it's been fucking hard to coordinate sleeping, eating, shopping and then running at the right time. But then, everything changed when I heard San Millan explain that zone two training is where you burn more fat than glucose! So then I'm not even supposed to OD on sugar before training? See, I went on my first 'zone two' run and it turned out a damn slow pace and even that may have been too fast. It was so much easier than the hell I usually put myself through that I really may not even need to sugarize beforehand. And he did train a champion, he's the real deal! I tried to understand the biochem behind it but it went over my head. I realized I have to sit (stand) through those conversations in small increments with a pen and paper. But from what I gathered so far metabolically healthiest people primarily burn fat for fuel. And it's not because they're on keto diet, they just run or bike a lot. Before I heard that, I thought I could binge on sugar as long as I become an athlete and burn it off.

I have much to do and I'm not even allowed to sit down and it's been two hours since I ate those candies so I really bloody need to go bike them off.

I've been getting what seem like sugar crashes. First I feel faint, then I get pale and hot, and sweaty, and finally have to go lie down. Well, I got one again, while biking. First I felt funny, then I feared falling off my bike and cracking my skull - you know, all in the name of good health, then I got hot and had to take off my hood and open my jacket a little, got a little sweat on my lip, had to slow down, and then finally step off and walk, especially up any slope I encountered. It was bad and I didn't have my wallet so I couldn't just go get a vending machine hot chocolate. Eventually I got better and biked home full speed covered in cold sweat. I was so smelly I had to shower. Recuperated with Valsoia vegan seed oil ice cream which I'd sadly left out to thaw a tad too long. Should've done three hours instead of four. So that was an imperfect binge. I've had a total of two of those boxes and I'm scared it will become a problem. It tastes like cake without all the biscuit stuff. One thing I've decided I will stick with iron lady style is the three months off gluten. I accidentally got far (19 days) with it and now failure is not an option. Great deterrent when I want cake or wafers or, geez, especially pastries. But the sad thing is, gluten free is not gonna do fuck all.

I realize now that I hadn't eaten anything since 10AM in the morning. Then that tiny baggy of Haribo twelve hours later. Maybe that was the actual cause for the crash?

Yesterday I had the worst craving for LIDL currant sorbet while watching The Idol finale. Like, it couldn't be just currant sorbet either. It had to come with the The Idol. I killed many an hour writhing in my cravings, waiting for the torrent to drop. Well, I ate it and saw the finale, and even danced for an hour after! Two hours go by - sudden sugar crash. I was dumbfounded.

I didn't burn the ice cream, just fell asleep for two hours to Lava Lamp playlist. Woke up intermittently hearing some angelic shit. It was nice.

So, in the light of this San Millan stuff and my sugar crashes, I should probably quit the sweet stuff again. I think I will eat canned beans for a preworkout three, maybe four hours before running. After all, hunter gatherers don't eat candy nor fake ice cream and they can still run. Notably, I just saw mime reporting that zone two runs worsened his VO2 max whereas prior zone four or so runs had steadily increased it. He has an Apple watch so he can measure fun shit like that.

I ruined the rest of the day, starting ten in the morning. I laid on my side (a new favorite hobby), then got a third box of that ice cream and swore up and down I'll never have it again. Binged on that after a two hour thaw. Turned out that it never thaws to a perfect consistency, but it was still nice. Then I felt like potato chips and Kardashians so, what the hell, I got two giant expensive vegan bags. Then I fell asleep. Woke up, finished ice cream leftovers with coffee. And it was still fucking delicious. Yeah. But I'll tell you the reason for all this. The truth is, I'm having mental breakdowns over the KP. I just don't have a plan for it anymore and it's looking fucking hopeless. I don't know why this nightmare refuses to end. It's been probably ten years now.

[starvette]

T 28/90 || K5 (yes, I'm still Kitavan)

Woke up doing better but now I had to know if eating my carby Italian veggie mix would make me feel normal. Maybe I was just severely lacking carbohydrates. Ate that and it did help somewhat. But now I was too full to go exercise anyway and the time window was running out at four AM. I pedaled to night store while blasting World Class Sinner in my budget earbuds. Suddenly had a weird pang for that song. It's real bad but also catchy. They made it cringy intentionally, right? I'm not entirely sure, just like with the show.

I got two hundred grams of dates and two ripe discount bananas. The cashier lady finally spoke to me! I've been convinced for years now that she hates me, but no, just a bad case of RBF. It was a strange relief. The plan was to eat half of each and then see how I feel and dance it off. Well, I ate everything. This experience taught me that I can't have dates as my preworkout because that was eight fucking hundred calories. And they actually taste like fucking caramels. It's too much to bear. And, surprise surprise, I got madly bloated and as for dancing - I could only do a two step for the most part. Sometimes I just don't want to dance and no power on Earth can change it. In fact, I should be dancing right now but I had to get this off my chest. Oh, and what did I get for my four days of actually pretty good kitavaning? Two gigantic zits on my chin, that's what. I'll go take a hot bath. I've been putting it off. P.S. Suffering deathly farts right now. They actually smell like mercaptan.

The plan for tonight is the following: I have very few calories left for today after those pesky dates but I will blow them on, most likely, a banana and that gluten free flapjack. I saw a new one, blueberry flavored. Will see if that gets me energized enough for running without first bloating for three hours.

Before my bath, I raved in the bedroom for about twenty five minutes until I started feeling real funny and hyper, then got pale and sweaty. That must have been a sugar crash? I had to stop raving and medicate with some surprise frozen cherries I'd forgotten in the freezer.

I'm back! I decided to trust the air vents and light breeze outside and slept a godly nine hours, until ten in the evening. Mom had surprised me with irresistible fresh sour cherries. I still felt a little bloated from my date binge but nothing like before. It was difficult but I had to admit to myself that I already feel pretty capable of running and cannot in good conscience binge on flapjacks tonight. I ate two hundred grams of cherries and black tea instead as a preworkout and read Outlive while they kicked in. Oh god. The tea made me nauseous. It's been an hour and a half. If this continues for much longer I will miss my narrow running window again. I don't even feel energized from the caffeine. Just sluggish and slightly bloated as ever. It feels like there's a water balloon in my gut.

I still can't straighten out my arms. It's actually really annoying. I will run now.

[starvette]

T 27/90 (30%) || K4

I found an excellent stargazing spot at the park on a roof of a cafe but alas it was behind a locked gate which I didn't dare climb over as a clumsy person two storeys above the ground. Good thinking since I did walk headfirst into a low pullup bar just minutes later. Luckily, my puffy hood took most of the blow.

Then I went home, learned how to progress to a pullup and did thirty scapular pullups which are pullups for little babies. I also hung for a minute which was EASY. It was crazy. I tried eccentric a couple times and fell down immediately every time. Then I ran. At five thirty in the morning there still weren't enough bypassers to make me self conscious about my poofy hair and loud panting. That was good. Then I began reading nutrition chapters in Peter's book. Then I ate a dangerously carby frozen meal with a lot of corn and carrot slices. It tasted damn good.

Nearly done with Peter's nutrition chapters. I learned from Rhesus monkey studies that eating healthy is important not just being a junkorexic. I also learned that you want to keep the number of glucose spikes down to a minimum.

Today was a shitstain on my life. I couldn't fall asleep for a long time. Maybe it was the vending machine coffee but really I was just worried about blowing up and equally worried about the prospects of getting a job for half a year. Then finally, I did.

I woke up right on time to go grocery shopping. Felt absolutely fucking zombie levels of dead and coldn't straighten my arms out. I went very slowly - could barely pedal. I got fettuccine, spinach, tuna, some sort of fish jerky, a frozen stir fry and tinned 'Asian style' mushrooms to add to stir fries. When I got home an hour later I couldn't even bring myself to walk over to the kitchen and cook a bowl of fettucine let alone go running. So I just sat in a chair and read really low quality posts about Titan on reddit while eating fish jerky and then tuna on top. I probably had a total hundred grams of protein today. Still felt completely dead but at this point had recuperated enough to go cook fettucine. I overtried and added shredded spinach which just made it taste worse. Really, the best pastas just have salt and oil on them, and my new five pepper mix which I ran out of, and maybe cherry tomatoes. Ate that. STILL COMPLETELY DEAD like can't lift an arm or leg type of tired. Gave up and just read Peter's book in bed for most of the night until I passed out for an hour.

[starvette]

T 26/90 || K3

Alright, well it's breaking dawn so I will now go seek el gato diablo.

No sign of him for forty minutes. I gave up and went deadhanging. And guess who is coming from across the playground! The Cat is wet and dirty so I locked him in the kitchen where he promptly jumped on the counters which are supposed to be, you know, clean or whatever.

The Cat later escaped again. I don't know, through the ajar window or the door I forgot to lock. Either way, mom found him right away in the afternoon. She wants to get him neutered but evil dad threatened to hurt her other cat - the one he likes the least - if she does that. So. I think we're both over his schizophrenia and mom just ignored him and is now getting Cat neutered. Wait. I just realized you can simply call the police for animal cruelty. But there isn't prison time for that yet because humans don't give a fuck about animals. God damn it.

Everything turned out alright. The nice vet ladies had already neutered him days earlier without asking so now it's not even mom's fault. Latest reports say dad's in a good mood. Mom didn't even bring Cat back there so now he's roaming outside here somewhere. He decides when he wants to be found.

I was awoken at six in the evening by IQ 80 males trimming the sparse grass of which only the tallest blades barely reached up to my ankles this morning when I was getting my sneakers wet in the mist looking for Cat. Those are the same kind of males that go to war when a dictator orders them. I wonder how much of our money they blew on it. I also wonder how many hedgehogs they shredded to bits. Then I watched some of a forty minute fucking movie on finasteride until my brain turned to jelly from focusing so hard and scribbling notes and crashed until very late, ignoring my alarm as usual. I felt like a zombie and running was out of the question. I made a heavenly bowl of fettuccine, then measured how long it takes me to sprint a hundred steps (roughly thirty three seconds), chickened out of running a full lap because it was two thirty at night and instead biked to the park to drink vending machine coffee and swing. I remembered what Peter said about how he'd managed to eat a lot more carbs with great glucose control back when he was exercising for four hours daily and wondered if I could sneak in a banana before my daily run and get away with it. That would also solve me perpetually accidentally overeating and then being late for my runs which in turn makes me not run at all. Yes, yes, on Kitavan day 3. I will be good though and give it some more time. Maybe I can eat that meal in the morning and then make it last until evening. Better try that first.

[starvette]

T 25/90 || K2 || GF = K + 8

Am I struggling on my Kitavan diet? A bit yes, already. Planning meals meticulously far ahead helps. Just gotta have funding and stay mindful and present, and focused, and plan. I got discount soybean fettuccine. A hundred grams of that has forty five grams of protein. I won't have to have anything else for the day. Well, I should shred some of that cabbage into new kaleslaw. I think I'll just write a lot about food now. I exported the most aesthetic quotes from Marya's book to my email. During difficult moments I shall reread those.

There's a sun crisis. It's not coming out of the damn clouds! I looked at the forecast and they're saying it won't come back for the entirety of July?! This is actually catastrophic.

I think I'll need to stop buying berries. They're just too delicious. I can't stop eating right now. Just woke up at four in the morning. I dreamt about guiltily buying cake (it was a cherry chocolate type of situation). Bingewatched pictures of cake and Claire Saffitz baking cookies. Then more Titan. Pictures of sundaes and banana splits. Just very very very very very very lazy today. Sat for like five hours straight.

At noon or so I was presented with A Cat. I was meant to take care of him for a day. He snores with every inhale. We slept together. It was all nice. Until late at night when he started begging to go outside. Looks like cats do understand what's behind that entrance door! It's a relief. I heard booms of thunder as I was making my soybean fettuccine. I finished it and opened the window to watch the lightning show with cat but alas he immediately jumped down outside. I had to finish my fettuccine that I worked for so hard before going after him. It was just five minutes. You already know how fast I can wolf down a bowl of pasta. And by then he was nowhere to be found. Clearly, no desire to return home. Then, a terrible shower started.

For a couple days now I've lost my fin fear and have been applying it to my arms and, ahem, nipple. I put the microscope out of my mind until the 30th. I'll see if I can get those photographs taken by some pro at a clinic. Besides, I've got my control nipple (which I'm not afraid to show) and control arm. I'm going through Derek's amazing lectures and wishing I could just download them all to my brain. He said he can get all the molecules he wants pretty easily. I felt like a stupid little baby hearing that. Mairi said I wouldn't get scarring. Maybe I can bypass this whole drug route. But then again I don't trust anyone.

Fucking hate this diet. There's even no more cheapy legume pasta at LIDL. Things I can eat: Legume pasta (the only thing I actually *like*), chia pudding (the best vehicle for collagen), frozen veggie mix, veggie soup with soy croutons, seasoned lentil cakes with olive oil, nutritional yeast on everything, nuts and seeds by themselves, olives with health crackers (expensive), cherry tomatoes, avocado just by itself?! (I won't be seeing fish roe again until my next lifetime so forget about that avoroe delicacy), kaleslaw or some other nasty salad, TOFU (god bless her), salmon, I don't know if tuna ever again...I can't think of anything else. Beans and friends. Although I did read that people started cultivating those around the same time as grains so really why are legumes so much better?! I am technically allowed berries too but I'm so miserable that I can't help gobbling the entire 400 gram pack down right away which is not how they're meant to be consumed at this time. Those frozen bitches are at peak ripeness and *very* sweet. Well, and then there is coffee and teas, and my fake and gay almond milk. I was also looking at three ingredient vegan keto cookies but I don't know if I should be using xylitol right now. Not to mention the pricetag. Time has slowed down. Maybe that's exactly what I needed. After all it had sped up so much I had to start writing this blog.

If I can manage this for any meaningful length of time, then I would later be adding in potatoes and corn, berries, and maybe grapefruits. Oh, and oatmeal? After I'm done with three months of no gluten? Ha. I think I'll always be afraid of whole wheat unless I test it with a CGM. Which costs money.

Yesterday I was looking at deep sea fish and I read that at least one of them could go five years without eating. It helps to imagine myself as a deep sea fish that eats disgusting slimy organic matter - anything at all with nutrients, the raw building blocks of life. I read of another fish that can live for up to two hundred years in complete darkness. I wonder what the hell do you do with such a life. I think these fish must be very enlightened.

[starvette]

T 24/90 || 9 || Kitavan 1

I finally left the house to go burn some calories at three forty in the morning. Got a minor scare from a homeless man sitting on the stairs but he was good natured. I left him there and went. It was a nice cool misty morning. Surprisingly, night store was open and I got an overpriced l a r g e avocado, dried soy 'croutons' for soup and some precooked beans. I let myself have everything I wanted to make the Kitavan transition as easy as possible. Mom had gotten me real trout roe so I was dying to try Rhonda's avoroe recipe at any cost. Then I figured I should go see if anyone is still getting turnt at the park and I did find one group of youngins hollering around a firepit. I allowed myself a cup of black coffee from a vending machine while listening to podcasts about... guess what... the Titanic. Then I welcomed the sun on a swing set. More homeless people came near to check the trash containers which I was too squeamish to open with my bare hands to discard my cup. I started feeling a psychedelic sort of funny after a few minutes of loud Married in Mount Airy and the sun in my face. I haven't felt anything close to the acid trip in a long long time. At that moment I was happy for doing this diet. But you know, I have to sort my skin out first and only then will I be able to focus on or enjoy anything else. I tried deadhanging unsuccessfully and then went home and deadhung in my usual spot, adding three new seconds to my max time. I even did one Tarzan type of swing to the next bar. Tried pulling myself up - not a chance. I don't have the time for typing all this out. I'll go read book.

Late night. I just went sprinting at half past midnight. I sprint a hundred steps, then walk, then sprint more. I thought my dinner would be too small to cause bloating, but nope! I had just one large avocado with trout roe and lemon juice, a glass of garlic milk and a hundred gram carrot with coffee. Well, that put the lights out. I had to go lie down for some twenty minutes. God, but the avoroe was the most luxurious meal I've ever had, up there with the vegan chocolate nicecream. I took pictures too.

[starvette]

T 23/90 || 8

Woke up again. Declined all invitations from family and just binged on fruit alone in my fruitbat cave. I had an overpriced date-carrot bar, two cups of vegan vanilla puddin, one XXL banana with peanut butter, two nectarines, one and a half apple, sliced, with cinnamon and like four cups decaf coffee. Nearly three thousand calories. I finished watching TITANIC. It made me cry again. Then I kept reading on that bloody submersible. Nothing worthwhile even, just people's maddeningly repetitive comments.

Now I still want to fucking eat so I'm roasting a zucchini. I'm starting Kitavan on the 24th. It's going to be brutal on my brain. I'm scared. I wonder should I just start with one week and then reward myself with a little something sweet (I was thinking 50% marzipan) or go hard right away. I don't even want marzipan that bad. Maybe I should go for a month and then get that choco nicecream. But a month is not really enough. I should do six weeks at least. See, I want to go hard right away but I'm just going to fail, you know? Oh bother.

I'm still real bad at working out except for those weird deadhangs. I think I'll stop trying to make abs happen and just focus on my arms and cardio this summer. I'm also good about taking hot baths now - once weekly.

[starvette]

T 22/90 || 7

Soobmarine imploded. I read on it one hour too long again and missed my runtime. Actually did a thing, for yesterday, so it wasn't wasted after all. ;) Went to buy half foods for celebrations. They didn't taste as good as usual. I guess the small portions they come in are key. I got ginger coconut cookies and currant cookies, and two new gluten free flapjacks - one with caramel, another with chocolate. Too late I noticed that the gluten free oats probably aren't wholegrain. So those flapjacks were more like a 'quarter food'. Lol. I'm deep into this stuff. I need to stop but like this was a serious cause for celebration. On the side I was also celebrating their quick painless demise. Time to get back to work. Think I'll just spray finasteride everywhere. That guy can go suck his own if he doesn't like it.

Things done today: yes, well, only like five hours of Titan/Titanic stuff. Other than that, a twenty five minute night ride ft JBP (it's astonishing how one man can talk so damn much), a two minute fifteen second deadhang, four washed salmon tins (clean aluminum can be recycled forever), and some accounting of last week's excessive expenses.

I'm watching TITANIC again and crying. Kate looks so damn beautiful I want to cry more. I hate aging. I need to finally stop eating half foods before I turn into sea moss. If there is any cause for celebration in the coming weeks and months, I'll have to just celebrate with a good spicy coconut curry or a large bowl of legume pasta with a generous side of nutritional yeast (nut yeet) and cherry tomatoes, or an aesthetic anorexic plain black coffee in my pretty new aries mug that I'm evilly, recklessly plotting to get. I'd add tuna to this list but they fucking stopped selling the only kind I like.

[starvette]

T 21/90 || 6

Kind of a waste of a day as far as my own life's progress is concerned. I let myself get all consumed by the Titan tragedy. As I'm writing this now they have a few hours left and I'm blasting the newest Aphex track because I'm cool like that. It was an extraordinarily hot day. I awoke randomly at noon, went on gas patrol then back to bed until seven in the evening. There was a gas explosion in central Paris in a fucking art school?! Bought decaf at Lidl which is otherwise full of inedible garbage. All this fucking food and I got nothing to eat. I had to make my own kaleslaw for like forty minutes. It was mid but I think I'll have to keep making kaleslaw now until I run out of that giant red cabbage head which had already started molding.

Okay, it's five in the morning. I promise no more of this Schrodinger's submersible until after I wake up tonight when they're certainly either dead or not dead.

Finally screwed on the spray nozzle on my fin bottle but now I've terrible anxiety about wasting it and no idea which body part to use it on. Fucking hate that cunt. I also mashed some fresh raspberries and stuck em in a freezer for a little DIY 'sorbet'. No exercise.

Regarding sweeteners and Rhonda, I actually found out last night that: a) she doesn't eat anything sweet b) sweeteners are bad for your gut and make your blood sugary indirectly, somehow c) I'm quitting sweeteners I've entered the bargaining stage of my diet where I have to talk myself out of getting 'half foods' which are foods that are about half real food and half sugar such as nut and seed bars, candied nuts, luxury health cookies, sorbets, and vegan ice creams. As you can see I had my first day without any illegal half foods but I still ate a LOT of berries. It's a process.

[starvette]

T 20/90 || 5

I went on my million and first stupid little bike ride this morning. Just really wanted to move all of a sudden. There was a beautiful light falling from the overcast sky and occasional silent flashes of lightning to my left. Rosy tones in the East.

I've gotten lazy and stopped going on my gas patrols. It's not that hot so I tell myself surely nothing can happen and go to bed. Nnnnnnngh. For a few days now I've had these terrible deep sleeps from morning straight into four in the afternoon.

I finally got my chocolate vegan ice cream. Oh my god. It just blew my mind. It was better than any other chocolate ice cream I'd ever had in my entire fucking little life. That's going to be my one go to junk food item I suppose. It just costs a fuckton of euros. I'm obviously not really supposed to eat any of this crap but unlike all the other vegan ice creams it has a favorable fatty acid profile and, you know, the cocoa has got to have some magnesium in it? 900 calories in that small tub. Lmao! I need to check if Rhonda eats sweeteners... I also had a mango LaCroix. It sucked and gave me gas.

I saw the grandma going back inside after her outing by my window with other grandmas. She's so damn slow! Surely if the cat wanted to bad enough, he'd sprint the hell out of there and there'd be nothing she could do about that. Maybe the cat should save himself. But then I thought, well, what if the cat has no concept of staircases and he thinks the only way out is through the window. I know he's been in the staircase before. Sigh.

Things done today: put spray nozzle on my fin bottle and used some on my arm...

[starvette]

T 19/90 || 4

Just mind blowing sugar cravings. I got a mid strawberry-pomegranate il sorbetto and great albeit hard blackcurrant cookies. Ate those while petting friendly mottled cat with a fluffy curly tummy in a field to the sounds of thunder. AND A BAGGIE OF DATES. At least those were cheap. My (sorta) health sweets are burning a hole in my bank account. I'd actually wanted vegan chocolate ice cream to go with my viewing of The Idol but couldn't find it. Episode three was boring. At least I didn't eat any seed oils. Look, I get that I'm totally cheating on my diet and giving myself welts on the face but you don't understand the sugar cravings I had.

Things done today: type out a draft of reply to Mairi with my latest thoughts, determine which parts I should laser and make the appointment. MPMD vids on: fin VS ru, should u rly take fin (bad). Wow I really did fuck all huh.

[starvette]

T 18/90 || 3

Had the mini mango sorbet and finished my second half of 85% chocolate bar. Cherry was nicer.

Things I got done today: 1 vid by Dray, 2 vids by THLS, 1 vid by MPMD...yeah I was busy with my hot bath and sprinting.

[starvette]

T 17/90 || 2

Overcast day and a bit less hot. Found a truly gigantic spider in the bathtub before my deadhang today. Scooped him out with a paper bag. He curled up in a ball as I was pushing him around as if I were the scary thing here. Very atmospheric in the evening. Was barely alive all day I was so hungry. Napped twice. At night I found the very well hidden ZK health food store and got some nutritional yeet. Had that with pasta. It was underwhelming! I was upset. It literally tasted better on my little lentil cake sandwiches with olive oil. After eating all that with some sour frozen cherries I still had food depression. Literally went cake browsing and was willing to throw all my yesterday's life plans away. Thankfully they didn't have any nice cakes at M and it was too late and I was too tired to bike anywhere else. What I found was a brand new tiny cherry sorbet. It was incredible. Exactly what I'd had in mind after my meat binge and couldn't find the other day. I wasn't really allowed to eat that but my cravings were deadly and it was truly cute and pink and tiny and only a hundred grams. There's a mango flavor as well... I also got a 87% chocolate. So did I cheat on my first day? KInd of yes. Did I damage control? Hell yes. I'm not mad at myself. Just was losing my mind without sweeteners. Especially because I've no idea if there's any use to avoiding them. Maybe I'm imposing too many food rules. I tried to find anecdotes on sweeteners being bad for a long time after but of course got nothing. I read too fucking much. Just gotta do fieldwork. Eugh. No idea what to eat. I'll go make more bloody pasta. Just sad on my new diet. Haven't done anything I was supposed to.

Things achieved today: halfway learned how to make vanilla extract, got nutritional yeet for a good price (but hey, delicious eating helps me stick to this nightmare brutalist Kitavan diet so learning to cook is not entirely useless), reinforced about half of bathroom window with tinfoil, saw a single video by MPMD on RU.

[starvette]

T 16/90 || 1

I woke up at two at night and it was over. The cookie and cake idea crept back into my mind. I finished up what little molten sorbet I'd left by my bedside last night. No new cramps. Wondered if they were really caused by that damned meat.

Today starts the second half of 2023 so how could I possibly ruin this for myself? At four, I got my bike and bag without wallet in it and rode to the 24/7 store. Saw another imprisoned cat in the flat above grandma's. I had no idea. Unfortunately I found a sexy looking expensive giant box of tiramisu. I swore off eating anything bad ever again because this mindfuck is just no longer bearable and I keep arriving at this same conclusion over and over again. Then I got the cake and another tiny 110 gram cheesecake. The plan was to eat them with coffee while enjoying the newest Kurzgesagt production. I took a picture of my last unmeal and got started. Right away, the video blew me away and I cursed myself for having such a tiny chicken brain and living for cheesecake. Suddenly it was easy to stop eating. I left a third of both cakes uneaten. They were both mid as hell, by the way. Later I got a little hungry again and did eat the last third of the tiramisu. So it was a lot. But that's over now. I'm good now. It's scary at times but it's over, and it's been a long fucking time coming. They won't haunt me anymore.

It was a hot overcast morning. I checked on neighbors (grandma had a guest over, looney was off to P for some important business), did some chores, browsed some mostly hot air stuff (media of current it girls eating junk food) until my about 3 hours of sleep last night caught up with me and I crashed. The police had released some grainy pictures of the guys who beat that lady up for no fucking reason. Their gang even had a girl in it.

Woke up at five. Sunbathed. Had a new cursed craving of some sort of chocolatey brownie cake with coffee. If I just eat that today it will still kind of count as yesterday like with the tiramisu at 5 in the morning, and therefore I won't have fucked up? That's how that works, right? Thank God, I remembered that brownies specifically have a fuckton of healthy vegan keto schmeto versions online that aren't very complicated. Relaxed and put that out of my mind. Rewarded myself with expensive luxury raw organic health ginger cookies. Bless up. Saw M in the center with some girlfriends right when I'd finally convinced myself that this tiny town really is full of strangers and not all just people I know. I'm pretty certain she didn't see me. Whew. It would be just a little too awkward to say hi. Got La Molazza olive oil on sale at eco store. Right now my EVOO strat is to just close my eyes and pick one. I feel so vulnerable when I buy olive oil. Ran around shops looking for tuna. They only had the wrong kind. It tasted inferior. Still no UVmune. Finished my day at the pharmacy. Paid 6 euros total for 15 grams of tretinoin. I just cannot believe those prices. They are beautiful. And then...as I was packing my bag to leave I heard the guy who'd stood in line behind me ask for his minoxidil. I should've asked him, but I'm a slow thinker and shy, and so I just left hoping that I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life. What if this was Universe finally lending me a helping hand and this is how I show my appreciation? I just biked home thinking about all the positive fin studies I'd read and other ways to meet guys like him again. Looney neighbor had won 300 euros gambling. He had the cash in hand and told me he'd asked people to go celebrate with him at a restaurant or something but nobody had wanted to go. He asked me again what my name was. I told him the same as his daughter's hoping that will help him remember. I congratulated him and went home. He helped me get my bike in. I said thanks. He said no, thank you for listening to me.

[starvette]

T 15/90 50.4

I don't remember much about this day anymore. It was hot already before 9 in the morning. The overarching theme is grilled meat binge at L. I went on a drawn out UVmune and vegan ice cream hunt prior. Didn't find it. I shouldn't be buying from that girl anyway. She's not vegan she just takes vegan money. Chicken and pork tasted basically the same. It's just that the pork was tougher and chewier. I didn't even get to sit outside like I'd planned, but it was still nice. When I was done I thought it'd be a great idea to get one more chicken portion. But of course, that one suddenly tasted gross and sweet. Meat isn't supposed to taste sweet. I had hibiscus cherry tea on the side. By the end I was pretty sure I'll never want meat again. Since my ice cream hunt had failed, I speedpedaled to LIDL to get currant sorbet. I killed an insane number of bugs with my face. It was unbearable. I'd never seen so many damn bugs in the air, ever. They'd fucking upped the price again. Got home, ate my sorbet and googled about sweetener and acne connection. Indeed found some anecdotes including one of very high quality. Suddenly I had a wild cookie craving, but it was too late to go shopping. I tried to tell myself to appreciate my expensive fucking sorbet and calm down. Then, I got a horrific stomachache. There was nothing I could do but try and drift asleep. I woke up, thought I was good now but it started AGAIN, just as bad. Asleep I went...