stashedinsequin

[stashedinsequin]

july 10, 2023

It feels as though everything I see is an advertisement 

I can’t think clearly anymore 

Everything is so confused so many bright flashing lights

Its times square 

And my head is jumbled, flashed too bright to hear clearly to speak correctly to my eardrum 

What type of music does it make i cant hear its all a drumbeat hitting at different angles of time nothing makes sense im in destruction 

And how do i climb out of the skyrise 

Drink the sky and forget below the honking 

The distraction of them and me and of us 

Swirling all around ill never be able to see straight 

Until i can gulp dark humid air at the top of the skyrise i wont have to look down 

See the glowing buildboards 

I wouldnt need anymore pills 

I could finally rest in my shoulders and

[stashedinsequin]

“And yet [the Greeks] were frequently swept away en masse by the wildest enthusiasms—dancing, frenzies, slaughter, visions—which for us, I suppose, would seem clinical madness, irreversible. Yet the Greeks—some of them, anyway—could go in and out of it as they pleased.”

Excerpt From The Secret History Donna Tartt

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i know what it is i miss

it is pain

the thing that makes us

most aware of the self

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i want to get high so bad

feel the buzzing in my bones

the eminent giggle escaping my brain into my ears

drift away on cushions hidden in the air

cushions of the muscles in my body

I want to float

to laugh

Feel the sun tingling my skin

Snuggle into a comfortable world

[stashedinsequin]

i'm in a new apartment

and i had myself a few mildew days

suffering withdrawals

right at move-in

i'm recovering my strength and i meditated for the first time today

in many days

and in the agony of a third day xanax withdrawal,

i thought about going home

and now i'm tapering off, i feel the same way

i don't know if i'm capable of making the next six months productive enough to become fluent

i forgot how old i was yesterday. i forgot a year.

i don't want to go home. i want to find a job online. stay put. even if i hardly don't understand anything. i want to be an addict to my death bed.

i'm sick of being judged by santiago for the grit in my personality

matthew and i are movie characters and im missing my movie without him the xanax brought me right back to who i was when i started

i bring myself back to this storyline--im refusing a new one

i want his handsome rejection i want us to build a life together

in the grey sunshine

i thought i wanted something else with the caleño

but i dont think i even want to give him a chance

how many people will i "hurt"

i dont feel responsible for their pain

i didnt even know him

im a drug addict and i need to take care of myself first

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i wasn't allowed to be beautiful

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there's so much that i want

but all i will do is sleep

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i want to be chased by demons again

i want something more than this fear of the door

i want to be chased to absolutes

how sweet it tasted

to be taunted by those demons

im in this beautiful body and i don't recognize anything

i cant feel my body i feel it but i feel dead

i cant handle anything anymore

im too lazy

i need the adrenaline of fear

of fear pounding on me

that made me question it all

God, do you see me in these fleece pajamas?

Do you see me lost in a box of pills?

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im sober

nothing i take anymore has an effect

im less than sober

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i want to burn in the sun

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"it's happening again"

me too, mom

i can't get past that door

[stashedinsequin]

i dont feel good anymore

i dont know what to say anymore

i dont have anyone here

i dont want anyone here

i thought

with all that time

sitting on that mat

meditating away the man of my dreams

i had the capacity to create

a home away from home

a place where i could finally love myself

find safety

but its not there

theres only days full of debate

to take the pill

to not take the pill

how much of it should i take

how do i stop

and why cant i feel it anymore

how many do i left

how will i afford the round trip ticket to buy more

[stashedinsequin]

buenas

tardes

hace tanto calor hoy

estoy en un bikini

quiero tomar pastillas -- pero es bastante temprano

hablé todos los días con un hombre de colombia

y me hice querer con él

y a mí me gustó a él desde la primera conversación

chistoso, porque él tomó su tiempo para abrir su corazón conmigo

cuando tenía todo abierto, lo dejé solo

aunque tengo su fantasma a mi lado

[stashedinsequin]

“I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.”

[stashedinsequin]

two eyes but with one closed

i woke up to get high

to sit outside on my hammock and burn in the sun

i'm subtracting the hours until i can sleep for the night

i spent the day washing dishes and rewashing them

i don't have class until wednesday, and it's from wednesday - friday

i'm over my fake lover

the man that won't come to visit me

i'm over him

i just want to speak flunently in spanish

i have no friends here -- just men that want to fuck me

i'm alone here

it's good to be alone

[stashedinsequin]

An afternoon of 27 April 2022

My nice neighbor moved out early. I share my life with my neighbor, for those who are unaware.

Our shared balcony provides us with so much intimacy.

And soon, they'll meet my mother.

---

I wonder who the new occupant will be and where they've come from

I wonder if they'll be callaítos

like me

But I know who they are--and I hope not to manifest this into existence--

but they are a single male who works online--probably from the USA

and who has an incessant penchant for Colombia prostitutes

and i will know their love story

and i'll overhear their pathetic sex

and i'll eventually be compelled to buy incense to drive out their sadness that seeps in from the balcony into my living space

and i'll need to buy a box fan to hum out their transaction for my mother

i'll be sure to write about him and his purchased lover

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I have class today. I'm not into it. But you'll find me there. Yeap. I want to get high off sleeping medication and spend 25 cents on a tintico afuera en la calle

---

I'm taking this sleeping pill because the body loves routine

I don't need anymore resistance from my body today

I already suffered from a late morning

I have class way too fucking soon

and I haven't thought a single thing in Spanish today .... this is a lead in to my next post in Spanish

[stashedinsequin]

Today is beautiful (April 26, 2022)

Although I can never remember the year anymore.

But today is beautiful. I woke up in love but found myself out of bed to meditate, breathe, and stretch while being present in my body--not in the phantom of my lover's.

I feel very grateful for my present state of being because I know it is full of abundance. Here, there is less sappy prose and more blessed reverie.

I know that I am protected and guided, and today I feel it. This state of being isn't great for writing, but it's wonderful to experience. It's not aesthetic, but it's gorgeously healthy.

And I'm vibrating with love.

And here is how the day starts:

The alarm rings at 5:55, the same time as sunrise. My bladder is full so I run to shut the alarm off and pee until I'm awake. I put my contacts on and my fluffy fleece pajamas on top. I sit cross-legged in bed and write everything I'm grateful for and I feel the energy running across my chest. I feel everything I'm writing, and I thank God.

I take a few drops of CBD and sit on my yoga mat to meditate for twenty minutes, sometimes I sit to clear my mind and stay grounded in the present moment. Other times, I notice my breath aligned with my energy. And others, I sit and listen to the thoughts that scamper around my mind and patiently wait for them to trot away silly.

Then I do breathwork and stretch out my tortured hamstrings for ten minutes. And I finish the first session of my morning routine and break out any residue of sleep in my body with a fifteen-minute yoga stretch.

I'm starving by this time so I clean up any mess in the kitchen and make breakfast. And I break this fast with hot water and lime, and depending on what I have will make something simple to eat. I take my vitamins and drink my collagen and stir in some disgusting instant coffee.

(This is where I am currently at). I'd like to spend 15 minutes to complete my anki cards with my cup of coffee--but I haven't created enough anki cards to keep me occupied at this time.

Ideally, I continue to the shower where I dry brush and rinse in delicious cold water. I moisturize and love myself.

And if there's time, I do yoga and face yoga and

and begin to write at 10-11 am.

I woke up at 6 am today without an alarm, but hadn't slept enough so I kept my body in bed until I recognize an appropriate time. At 9 am, I got up so it is now 11 am and I must write. I prefer it to be in Spanish; but as long as I am writing.

Today I have class at 2pm and an employee coming to clean my already clean apartment.

I will leave at 1:45 to refill my metro card and show up to class. I will bring my laptop in my toto backpack so that after class I can eat at a cafe and study the preterite imperfect subjunctive, or maybe make some more anki cards. It'll be 3:30 when I arrive at the cafe and I will have to stay until 6:30 to walk to my salsa class. I'll have three hours to study subjunctive, make anki cards, and review salsa steps in my head. Or actually, I should probably apply to some jobs.

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The coffee is cold now; I didn't need it to write. I love loving fake men. I love loving from a distance. And I love him and it feels beautiful. And it hurts me to know that it's fake and somedays I wake up with violence in my heart and I want to abuse him for being an imposter. I want to crush him. I want to kick him until he leaves me forever. So that I can love him from a greater distance and blow imaginary kisses to an even farther removed lover. And this is how I love. And I know it isn't aligned with who I'm projecting in my beautiful mornings. But it's true. It's violent. And I wish God could teach me one day how to really love a man that is real.

And now, off to the shower <3