stateofjason

[stateofjason]

Good is Good

June 24, 2025

One thing I really like about Differences (NOT "My Whole Life Has Changed") is how those top chords just disarm you. It sounds like seeing someone you love after a long day.

One thing I really like about Can You Stand the Rain is the way one layer of Ralph's vocal on the "SUNNY days" comes in just before the rest. Just adds a layer of depth and is both stuck in its time while being timeless.

One thing I really like about I Want to Be Your Man is the high part on "I must....make you...understand." I always picture Michael Jackson doing that part in the studio lol.

One thing I really like about 21 Questions is that the strings are cinematic while capturing heroic vulnerability. Just enough to show emotion but strong enough to demand respect.

One thing I really like about Little Red Corvette is how ambient the beginning synth and drums are. There are a lot of Prince songs where it's like my parent's feelings when they were growing up with the songs are omnipresent in my head and that's one of those songs.

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I have to figure out a way to achieve it with such fervor that the people around me are empowered to live in their ideas, too. Everyone can come.

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Thanks God.

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"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new." Isaiah 43:16-21

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Tryna get home.

[stateofjason]

Maybe I Should Drink?

June 22, 2025

I had a really fun weekend.

There's a beauty and a strangeness to watching the evolution of people you grew up with.

In the whirlwind of responsibilities and ever-flowing liquor, I felt both out of place and vaguely at home.

Above all, I was proud to stand next to my friend/brother/cousin on his wedding day. That means the world to me.

The rest of this might read sadder than I actually feel.

Relationally, the last 2-3 years have been especially challenging.

You grow up and the "but I'm young" excuse starts fitting like a t-shirt from high school. Suffocating. Embarrassing. Holding on to something you really should let go of.

17-21 was a bit disastrous. But I honestly didn't know better back then - not really.

Now, every choice feels like it echoes.

Everything I let slide shows up uglier later.

The weight of certain people and situations in my mid-20s has left me defensive. Distant. Isolated. Even more than I used to be.

I cut a lot of people off over the last years. And none of those decisions did I ever want to be my truth.

There are pros and cons:

Pros

I'm no longer weighed down by lame voices

My relationship with God has gotten stronger and more genuine

Less people are trying to define me on my behalf (I used to easily ignore that stuff - until 2019, when my change-of-heart arc left me a little too open)

My judgment is much sharper now

Cons

Can cause collateral damage in other relationships

Counseling gets expensive

People will try to manipulate their way back in (you got called out, tried to double down on your BS, then "changed" once you realized it wasn't being accepted anymore? Lol.)

Avoidance becomes easier = growth becomes harder

Don't get me wrong - I don't regret any decision I made. They all earned their "fuck you" from me.

But the next chapter has to be different. I have to trust that I've learned how to navigate.

I'm capable of real, good, fun, mutual love - with friends, family, and whoever else shows up.

That's what the weekend reminded me.

Buildings with structural flaws get demolished. The trash gets cleared.

And something new - something sustainable - gets built in its place.

Wait til you see the blueprints for the new model.

[stateofjason]

M to the

June 19, 2025

I used to be obsessed with:

Transformers Cybertron

Akon

Power Rangers

The Office

There were these chocolate chip cookies my grandparents used to get that used to go so crazy with milk. Did I mention that when I was a kid I had a new cavity every single time I went to the dentist? One time there was this one hygienist who took a particular liking to me. She used to ask me a lot of questions. Not even about my family, just like, about me. She was also a lot rougher with the numbing shots than the actual dentist. Anyway, she was around for a few months. Then one day after I got a filling the hygienist asked my grandma to come to the back while I waited in the lobby. My grandma came back fuming and the lady was apologizing to her but my grandma just kept walking and was like "Let's Go." Turns out I guess the hygienist insinuated that I wasn't being properly taken care of at home and (I could be misremembering this part) she lightweight floated the idea of adopting me cause she could do a better job. As a kid I thought that was crazy cause like...I was fine lol. But looking back now maybe she got that idea from how many cavities I had? I did used to get home and eat 2 little Milky Ways or a Hershey bar. Then I'd have some of the cookies. And sometimes I'd even have ice cream. Not saying that's grounds for losing custody though. My mom was angry. I wonder where that lady is? We kept going to that dentist but I never saw her again. #HopeShesOk #HopeSheWasntAPredatorAlso

Janelle Monae

Windbreakers

Supras (Shoutout TK Society)

Ed Sheeran's song Don't

Also Ed Sheeran's version of Wayfaring Stranger for some reason

Michael Jordan

9/11

The Undertaker

Distance: My phone and watch are all the way across the room but somewhere over 3 miles

Today I Ate: A POWER Bowl (Chicken Strips, Rice, Diced Tomatoes, Corn, Black Beans, Shredded Cheese)

Salmon, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli

Dark Chocolate & a Banana

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Thank You for bringing me up the rough side of the mountain like Ertuğrul

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Superman is Clark Kent

June 15, 2025

"People only see the decisions you made, not the choices you had."

That line hits different when you've had to navigate relationships with complicated people. And I mean complicated in every layered, exhausting, well-meaning-but-wounding way possible.

Loving people like that is weighted. Blessing and a curse kind of road. Frustration is the surface emotion, but deeper down, there's a strange reverence.

Walking this road teaches me my Creator's lessons on love. Undeserved, but given anyway. Illogical but freeing.

It gets tricky because sometimes I did see the choices these people had. And those truths sit heavy with me and echo a "Why" in my head. "Why did they choose to give me the short end of things?"

It's a quiet, unglamorous kind of healing. It doesn't come with a breakthrough moment, just a slow turning of soil.

But then - there's my Graddad.

He is not one of those complicated people.

I wrestle with how to not define him against the rest. He deserves more than that. He deserves to be honored for he who was - not just for what he wasn't.

And he was 1 of 1. The only 1.

The kind of man who light followed naturally. Calm in the storm. Not because he had no emotions, but because he owned them. A leader in the most sacred sense. Strong, yes, but soft where it mattered. Faithful to God, present with people, absent when they were "fools."

Him being a hilarious giant (and a Taurus) are just great bonuses.

When Alzheimer's started a more aggressive approach to calling him home, his body failed him but his spirit remained strong.

On the last day we saw each other, I remember lifting him out of bed. Legs that once carried me now felt like...styrofoam.

But even in one of only 2 tearful moments I witnessed from him, there was no bitterness. Not even fear. There was grace. Surrender.

He didn't hide his decline behind silence or pride. He surrendered - to God, to us - with strength that most people mistake for weakness. No guilt-tripping. No manipulation. No expectation that I become the version of him he could no longer be.

Just love. Belief. Presence.

Since the latter half of 2021, I've realized just how much of my faith in God is because of him. And even more, how intentionally he poured that foundation for me. And built it brick-by-brick.

He loved me in a way that was protective. Faithful. Real. And while, honestly, many of the men who've tried to play "father figure" in my life have left damage behind, my Graddad? Puts them to shame without even trying.

And still, I struggle to find the words.

So for now, I'll keep it simple.

Thank You.

I love you.

Happy Father's Day.

Distance: 5.38 miles

Today I Ate: Beef Tips, Rice, String Beans, Cornbread