stateofsope

[stateofsope]

i don't know what to call this but i'm angry and stanning legends

Aks me what artist I would choose to see if I could choose any artist, dead or alive – and the answer will always be BTS.

Ask me if I’d rather see Taylor Swift live or any other artist you can think of – and the answer will always be Taylor.

No, I’m not choosing Michael Jackson or The Beatles or ACDC or I don’t know who. I don’t like them, okay? I don’t care about seeing them live. If this is your decision, then I’m happy for you. But there’s also nothing wrong about my answers. There’s nothing wrong about liking Taylor Swift and BTS.

Are they fucking mainstream, and literally everyone wants to see them live? Yes, and you know what? I’m so fucking proud of them for that. I stan legends and legends only – I don’t care that you define legends differently or can’t see that they are living legends.

I’m so fucking tired of people trying to tell me that the things I like aren’t what I should be liking. I’m so tired – because guess what, this is my life. I can decide for myself who I like and don’t like.

The funny thing is, I don’t rub it into your face who I don’t like. Especially if it’s someone you like, because I’m a person who cares about others feelings and doesn’t want to hurt others. Are you?

When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers and Twilight. Wasn’t correct either. Wanna know what I started doing? I stopped talking about the things that were important to me. When people asked me what kind of music I liked, I would say, I like something of everything – which was a blunt ass lie. Because I was always a pop-girlie (ups, sorry that isn’t up to your standards). I was always the girl who likes the cheesy as novels and movies that make you cringe.

Yeah, yeah, I had my superhero phase and I still like some of that stuff and I’m a nerd – who would have guessed – but I’d rather be watching Barbie, sorry, not sorry.

It’s so fucking sad, when you think about it, isn’t it? I’m a fangirl. Fangirls love the things they are enthusiastic about passionately. There’re literally psychologists who say it’s good for your mental health. Hm, but mental health isn’t important if it comes to something that makes you feel cringe, isn’t it?

But I stopped talking about the things I like. I would keep it lowkey, I would only talk with my friends on the internet about it – if I talked about something I liked with someone else, I’d make sure it’s something my opposite likes too, because I didn’t want them to feel like I’m too much.

Honestly, hope you hate yourself a little bit for making me like this.

It took me many years to finally change this.

Even when I started liking Taylor, I would hide it. I would not tell people, because Swifties are on everyone’s hate-list. I got to see her live during 1989 tour, but there was no happiness for me from others, no enthusiasm, so my brain turned it into a night to forget and not a night to remember. You proud of yourself?

It took me until finding BTS, until finally being surrounded by people who are like me, who don’t judge you for what you like, but are genuinely interested, to finally start talking about the things I like again. (I mean outside the internet, obviously.)

Do I sometimes worry that I might be annoying my family or friends because I’m talking about BTS again? Yeah, but it’s okay. Because they saved me, because I wouldn’t be who I am without them.

Taylor did the same thing for me, but I never got to talk about it. Now, I talk about it.

I’m so unapologetically happy about the fact that I get to see her not once but fucking TWICE (choke on it) during the Eras tour and that I get to share this experience with my sister. She’s a big part of why I’m sick of keeping quite too. If I must watch her become quite the same why I did, I think I would just die. I couldn’t make it. I need her to be loud about the things that she likes – yes, I will sit there and let her tell me about her horses for hours, even if I have no interests in them, because she likes it and I love her, and nothing is every making me happier than her being happy.

So yes, I’m so sorry if I’m not giving you the answers you’d like to hear to your questions. I’m sorry I will tell you to shut up when you want to tell me how annoying it is that Taylor was shown for THREE FUCKING SECONDS during a stupid football game – but do you hear me telling you that football is stupid? No. Because I know you like it, so I will keep my mouth shut. You should try it sometime.

And if you ask me again what artists, dead or alive, I would do everything for to see them live and my answer is BTS? Do me a favor and ask me why – or if you don’t want to hear my hour-long rant about how amazing they are, just fucking google it.

I promise you, they are bigger than whatever artist you thought about. Just because you saved them in your mind as “some k-pop boys,” doesn’t mean they aren’t literal legends. (Like, just look up their discography and laugh at yourself for calling them pop.)

Same goes for Taylor, because I laugh if you tell me that old-ass band fills that stadium (80k people) and her stadium has less seats – does it scare you, that she’s filling that smaller but still holds 70k stadium three nights in a row and has filled venues with more than 96k seats for several nights? Is it scaring you every of her 152 concerts of just one tour are sold out or that she can drop the entire concert in the middle of tour as a movie and people are still begging her for more concerts, because they want to see her live so desperately?

Just let me stan my living legends and cry about you don’t liking things that are generally more liked by woman in some corner and don’t bring it to my table. I’m not gonna argue with you anymore. I’m not gonna be quite anymore. I’m not a kid anymore, you’re not intimidating to me anymore – you’re just like all other men. Choke on that if you want.

[stateofsope]

it is okay to wonder (ger)

Die Frage nach dem „was wäre, wenn“ – eine Frage so alt wie das Universum und für mich als professionelle Overthinkerin mein*e tägliche Gefährt*in. Diese Frage kann so klein sein. Jeden Morgen denke ich mir, was wäre, wenn ich jetzt nur eine halbe Minute weniger auf mein Handy gestarrt hätte? Hätte ich meinen Bus dann nicht verpasst? Diese Frage kann aber gleichzeitig so groß sein – was wäre, wenn dieser Mensch nicht diese Entscheidung getroffen hätte? Wie würde unsere Welt dann jetzt aussehen?

Wenn diese Frage klein ist, macht sie mir meistens wenig bis kaum Kummer. Irgendwie gibt es da noch etwas dazwischen, dieses, wenn ich vor fünf Jahren nicht diesen Satz gesagt hätte, wäre ich dann noch mit dieser Person befreundet (die kommen meisten abends auf, wenn ich versuche einzuschlafen) – das macht etwas mehr Kummer, aber nur kurzweilig (meistens jedenfalls, weil Overthinking und Depression laufen meistens Hand in Hand, aber das soll jetzt nicht unser Thema sein).

Die große Variante dieser Frage ist die, die am meisten Kummer bringt, denn es geht dabei um Dinge, die man nicht beeinflussen kann. Dinge, die die ganze Welt beeinflussen und für die man selbst einfach zu klein und unwichtig ist, um sie zu verändern – oder zumindest fühlt es sich so an, oft kann man auch einfach ein kleiner Teil eines großen Ganzen sein, was eine Veränderung hervorruft.

Wie gesagt, diese Fragen begleiten mich jeden Tag und meistens hasse ich mich ein kleines bisschen selbst dafür. Das klingt jetzt vielleicht furchtbar schlimm, aber das Leben als Overthinkerin ist manchmal gar nicht so einfach, man steigert sich da in Dinge hinein, aus denen man nicht mehr so einfach herauskommt. Die Spirale ist ein bodenloses Loch. Man trägt den Weltschmerz auf der Seele.

Vor ein paar Tage habe ich das Konzert einer meiner Lieblingsbands besucht. Es war das erste Mal, dass ich The Rose live gesehen habe und auch wenn ich einfach zu klein bin, um bei Stehplätzen Sicht auf die Bühne zu haben, habe ich trotzdem große Freude gehabt und ein wenig Energie aus den besonderen Momenten schöpfen können.

Eines meiner Lieblingslieder von The Rose heißt „Wonder,“ ein Song, der mir regelmäßig Tränen in die Augen zaubert, mir Gänsehaut bereitet und mir für eine Sekunde den Atem nimmt. Wieso, da will ich gleich drüber sprechen, aber erst einmal zu dem Moment, als ich diesen Song live gehört habe: Ich habe nicht, wie befürchtet, losgeheult wie ein Schlosshund (Dank dafür an meine schlechte Sicht, wahrscheinlich), was mich aber nicht davon abgehalten hat, lauthals mitzusingen und stattdessen hatte ich aber einen Epiphany-Moment.

Nein, nein, ich habe keine Engel singen hören – nur Woosung, aber da ist ja fast das Gleiche, wenn wir mal ehrlich sind.

Er sagte: „It is okay to wonder.” Und ich stand da und dachte nur: „Wow, kann er das mal bitte in mein Hirn tätowieren???“

Könnt ihr euch vorstellen, was das für ein Moment ist, wenn man alles immer hundert und tausendmal überdenken und hinterfragen muss, jeden noch so kleinen Moment im eigenen Leben und sich jedes Mal schlecht fühlt, weil man es nicht mehr ändern kann oder einem bewusst wird, was man hätte anders, besser machen können und dann kommt plötzlich jemand, der einen so sehr mit seinen Worten berührt, und sagt dir: „Es ist okay.“

Im Deutschen heißt der Satz übrigens so: „Es ist okay sich zu wundern.“ Wonder wird zu wundern. Im Englischen steht wonder aber nicht nur für wundern, als Verb, sondern auch für Wunder als Substantiv (wow, die 13-Jährige Anni mit der 5 im Grammatiktest würde es nicht glauben!) – während sich das Wort im Deutschen je nach Wortart verändert, bleibt es im Englischen immer gleich.

Warum ich das alles erzähle? Weil das dem Wort und diesem Satz und vor allem dem Lied, so viel mehr Bedeutung verleiht.

Wenn wir uns im Deutschen wundern, fragen wir uns etwas, das klein oder groß sein könnte. Ich wundere mich, ob bis hier hin tatsächlich jemand liest. Ich wundere mich, über dein Verhalten. Ich wundere mich, warum wir immer noch in einem Patriarchat leben. Ein Wunder hingegen, ist immer etwas Großes (also, wenn wir mal ehrlich sind – ich weiß, manchmal schmeißt man mit dem Wort auch einfach um sich), es ist etwas so Großes, dass es uns an das Übernatürliche glauben lässt.

Very big disclaimer: Ich ramble hier, vielleicht ergibt das alles keinen Sinn für euch, aber das schwirrt seit Tagen in meinem Kopf umher und muss deswegen jetzt einfach mal aufgeschrieben werden. Sorry, falls ich jetzt Knoten im Hirn damit verteile, aber meine löst es gerade.

Aber zurück zum Song: Wenn ihr ihn nicht kennt, hört ihn euch kurz an. Ich warte hier.

Okay.

Fangen wir mal mit dem ersten Vers an, der eine Reihe von Fragen an uns richtet. Womit beginnen wir? Ah ja, der Frage nach dem was wäre, wenn. Was wäre, wenn wir alle gleich wären? Noch so eine große Frage des Universums. Ich liebe die Unterschiedlichkeit der Welt, aber leider ist diese Unterschiedlichkeit das, was manche Menschen dazu bringt, Grausamkeiten zu verüben. Was wäre also, wenn wir alle gleich wären? Wäre dann alles friedlich oder würden sie andere Grausamkeiten finden, mit denen sie Unschuldige quälen könnten?

Wäre unsere Welt ruhiger, wenn wir nur noch die Wahrheit sagen würden? Hier geht es nicht um flunkern, um, ich habe den letzten Keks wirklich nicht gegessen – hier geht es um die Lügen, die uns erzählt werden, damit wir keinen weiteren Fragen stellen, damit wir aufhören uns zu wundern. Wenn wir nur die Wahrheit hören würden, wären wir dann glücklicher? Oder würde uns die ganze, die volle Wahrheit kaputt machen? Ist es gut, dass wir nicht immer alle Wahrheiten kennen oder ist das, was uns verborgen bleibt so signifikant, dass wir die Welt zu einem anderen Ort machen könnten?

Wäre unsere Welt beruhigender? Würde unsere Welt aufblühen? Oder würde sie verdorren?

Habt ihr schon Kopfschmerzen? Könnt ihr euch schon vorstellen wie lustig das ist in meinen Gedanken zu leben?

Ich will hier gar nicht den ganzen Song durchanalysieren. Das soll nicht achte Klasse Realschule Deutschunterricht Gedichtanalyse sein. Aber lasst uns noch schnell über den Refrain reden, dass ist nämlich der Moment, bei dem bei mir dir Gänsehaut entsteht.

Denkst du, dass es noch eine Chance gibt? Die Chance auf eine solche Welt, in der alles beruhigend und schön ist? Eine Welt, in der die Menschen singen und tanzen können? Und wenn es diese Chance noch gibt, wer ist dann da und will uns den Weg zeigen?

Und ein paar Zeilen weiter: Rushing to nowhere – ins Nichts rennen. Genau so fühlt es sich in meinem Hirn mit all diesen Fragen an. Ins dunkle Nichts zu laufen, kein Ausweg. Entzündet jemand für mich eine Flamme in dieser Dunkelheit?

Vielleicht hat Woosung das getan, als er gesagt hat, it is okay to wonder.

Gibt es eine Lösung, eine Antwort auf all diese Fragen? Ich weiß es nicht, wahrscheinlich nicht. Ich kann nur darauf warten, dass ab und zu jemand vorbeikommt und eine Flamme entzündet. Bis dahin muss ich mich einfach immer und immer weiter wundern – I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

Eine Antwort auf all das zu finden – würde das nicht einem Wunder gleichen?

[stateofsope]

it is okay to wonder (eng)

The question of “what if” – a question as old as the universe and for me as professional overthinker my daily companion. This question can be so small. Every morning, I wonder, what if I just looked at my phone for thirty seconds less? Would I have not missed my bus? But at the same time this question can be so big – what if this person wouldn’t have made this decision? Would our world be a different place now?

If this question is small, it usually doesn’t distress me. Somehow there’s also something in between, this things of, if I wouldn’t have said that sentence five years ago would that person be still my friend (those usually come up at night when I’m trying to sleep) – those distress me a little more, but it’s short-lived (most of the time, at least, because overthinking and depression walk hand in hand, but that shouldn’t be our topic right now).

The big variation of this question is the one that brings the most distress, because it’s about things you can’t control. Things, that influence the entire world and for which you yourself are simply too small and unimportant to change them – or at least that’s how it feels, often you can be a small part of something big to make changes.

Like I said, these questions follow me every day and often I hate myself a little bit for it. That might sound pretty terrible, but life as an overthinker isn’t always really easy, you work yourself into things you can’t get out that easily anymore. The spiral into a bottomless whole. You carry weltschmerz on your soul.

A couple of days ago I visited the concert of one of my favorite bands. It was the first time I got to see The Rose live and though I’m simply too small to properly see the stage from the standing era, I still enjoyed it and was able to pull some energy from the special moments.

One of my favorite songs from The Rose is called “Wonder”, a song that regularly brings tears into my eyes, gives me goosebumps, and takes my breath away for a couple of seconds. Why, that’s what I want to talk about, but let’s talk about the moment I heard the song live first: I did not, as I worried, cried my eyes out (thanks to my bad sight, I guess), though it did not stop me from singing along loudly and instead I had something of an epiphany-moment.

No, no, I did not hear angels sing – just Woosung, but that’s nearly the same, if we’re being honest.

He said: “It is okay to wonder.” And I stood there and thought: “Wow, can he please tattoo this into my brain???”

Can you imagine what kind of moment this is, when you overthink everything a hundred and a thousand times and have to question everything, every oh so little moment in your life and feel bad about it every time, because you can’t change it or you realize what you could have done different, better and then suddenly someone, who touches you so much with their words, says: “It’s okay.”

In German the sentence goes like this, by the way: “Es ist okay sich zu wundern.” Wonder becomes wundern. In English wonder doesn’t just mean wonder, a verb, but also Wonder (capital W so it’s easier to get what I’m trying to say) as a noun – while the word changes in German depending on it’s part of speech, it stays the same in English. (wonder = wundern / Wonder = Wunder)

Why I’m talking about all of this? Because it gives this word and this sentence and the entire song so much more meaning.

When we wonder in German, we question something, it can be small or big. I wonder if anyone actually reads until here. I wonder about your behavior. I wonder why we’re still living in a patriarchy world. However, a Wonder is always something big (well, if we’re being honest – sometimes we just throw around with that word), something so big, it lets us believe in supernatural things.

Very big disclaimer: I’m rambling here, maybe this makes no sense for you at all, but it’s going around my head for days now and I just need to write it down. Sorry if this gives you knots in your head, but mine are dissolving right now.

But back to the song: If you don’t know it, go listen to it quickly. I’ll wait here.

Okay.

Let’s start with the first verse, that asks several questions. With what are we starting? Ah yes, the question of what if. What if we were all the same? Another big question of the universe. I love the diversity of this world, but sadly this diversity is what makes some people commit cruelty. So, what if we were all the same? Would everything be peaceful, or would they find other cruelties to torture innocents?

Would our world be calmer if we all solely said the truth? This is not about fibbing, about no I did not eat the last cookie – this is about lies that are being told to us, so we don’t ask anymore questions, so we stop wondering. If we only heard the truth, would we be happier? Or would the whole, the complete truth destroy us? Is it better to not always know the entire truth or are the things that stay hidden from us as significant that we could make the world to a different place with it?

Would our world be soothing? Would our world be in bloom? Or would it wither?

Do you have headache already? Can you already imagine how fun it is to life within my mind?

I don’t want to analyze the entire song here. This isn’t eight grade poem interpretation in German class. But let’s quickly throw a look at the refrain, because that’s the moment where the goosebumps fall over me.

Do you think there’s still a chance? A chance for a world in which everything is calm and beautiful? A world where the people sing and dance? And if this chance still exists, who is here and shows us the way?

And some lines further: Rushing to nowhere. That’s what it feels like in my brain with all these questions. To run into the dark nothing, no way out. Will someone light up a torch in the darkness for me?

Maybe Woosung did when he said, it is okay to wonder.

Is there a solution to all these questions? I don’t know, probably not. I can only wait that from time to time someone walks by and lights up a flame. Until then I will continue to wonder – I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

To find a solution to all of this – wouldn’t it be a Wonder?

[stateofsope]

The universe ✨hates me✨

Hate is a strong word - but that's what it feels like at the moment.

I'm very familiar with the feeling of just being happy and knowing that things are going well is making me even happier - and then getting a hit in the face, when everything crumbles.

It's been a constant feeling in my life. Every time everything goes well, something happens and there goes my good mood and welcome back to my ✨depression✨.

At the moment, it's happening again. Even though my summer wasn't going like I hoped it would be and I had a time with a lot of stress at work, I was just happily busy and had good times with friends and family and just enjoyed life, because the beginning of the year hadn't been the easiest.

But here we are again.

The last three weeks have been a consent down. Even happy moments within were barely able to bring me an up.

And it's all things, that are out of my control. People you trust behaving like they've suddenly turned into the worst people ever. Meet-ups with friends being canceled, because of sickness and work, not being able to get done with the work I so desperately want to get done, because I know in just some weeks it's getting crazy busy and then - oh well, something that forced me to deep-clean and rearrange my entire room, my save space that I worked so hard to be my comfort place. Now I'm sitting here and it feels like I'm in some place I'm just borrowing, a hotel or something like this, even with all my things here, it just doesn't feel like mine...

It was a lot. Through it all I forgot to reply to friends, to truly enjoy the time I had with my family, which just make things worse when you remember that there's people you want to take care of.

So I've been wondering... Do I always jinx my life?

Every time I realize I'm having a truly good time and things are just going well for once - the down is just around the corner. Maybe I need to stop thinking like this, but do I want to think, oh, it's going so well, the shit must go down soon? If I'd think like this, I would be in a constant stage of unhappiness, so it's better to enjoy the good times, right?

The only good thing right now, is the fact, that my energy is still somehow there. Usually I lose all my energy really quickly, when these things happen, which makes it easier for my ✨anxiety and depression✨ to take over. Right now, this is not happening and I can't explain why, but I'm truly thankful my energy is remaining, I don't think I could even move right now, if it wasn't like this.

I just hope, there's no heavy breakdown around the corner... Ha, maybe I'm about to jinx everything by saying that?

[stateofsope]

SEVEN by Jungkook - I think it's getting hot in here

Chapter 2 is hotter than I expected it to be - and I think it's the fault of a soup and Kim Seokjin's wide shoulders.

Knees out, jeans ripped, chest naked - ARMY has to deal with a lot of things since Bangtan started their second chapter and it has not been easy for us.

I'm gonna be honest, I hadn't been an ARMY for too long, when chapter 2 started (I'm a Dynamite ARMY who took a while to realize she actually is one). So I didn't have to deal with Victorian maidens for too long, but I still was heavily hit when a certain someone posted a photo of himself on the beach, wide shoulders out, making us zoom in on that tiny little tattoo.

This is when everything started. (Let's not talk about the soup, that's to be unpacked in a different post.)

I expected a lot of things from Jungkook's first solo song. I knew whatever he has in store for us is gonna be huge and we're not ready. When the promo started, I - like many others - got more and more confused. Is it cute? Is it hot? Is he gonna be a bunny? Will his shirt be on?

Somehow, everything has been right. People on the outside wouldn't even be able to grasp this paradoxical.

On Friday it was finally time. My usual reaction to new BTS songs is usually tears. Did I cry this time? Not right away, because I was too stunned at how perfect this song is. It was a little later when my pride overwhelmed me and the tears started running.

Jungkook tries something completely different than his members. Each and every release since chapter 2 started has been a surprise. They are trying new things, finding their own flow - the first comeback they'll have as a group in some years is going to be insane. They'll all bring totally different experiences into it.

It makes me happy to see that also Jungkook is trying different things. Promo and music wise. I love the feature. I honestly didn't know Latto before and I probably would have never come across her, but she fits the song's vibe perfectly.

I love that Jungkook is featuring a female rapper.

Opposed to what some other people are saying on the internet, I absolutely love how sexy her part is! Her lyrics are awesome, her voice fits Jungkook's, they have a great dynamic within the melody and she looks absolutely stunning in the music video.

SEVEN is a sexy, summer song, about love and... well, you know what.

I do love to call Jungkook my baby (I actually like to call all the members that), but he definitely isn't one. Coming back to some people on the internet - they desperately need to learn that.

Our Jungkook is a grown man, who makes his own decisions and who can take care of himself. He doesn't need some strangers on the internet who don't even actually know him to post their hot takes on his musical decisions.

I love SEVEN. And yes, I love the explicit version even more than the clean one. You wanna know why? Because it means we have fully come to the point, where BTS can do what they want. They don't have to be careful anymore. They can talk about f*cking, can smoke and drink, go party and do whatever the hell they want.

And I'm so happy for them. Let them live their best lives and if you don't agree - there's the door. Leave the Magic Shop. There's gonna be so many others who will be happy to fill your spot.

I can't wait to see what he has in store for us, what his album is going to look like. I know I will love every second of it the same way I love the other member's releases.

[stateofsope]

Happy Birthday to: Me

It's not easy growing older. It's even harder if you're not sure if people care about it.

Today is my birthday - or, I guess, by the time I post this, it was yesterday. Birthdays and I have a weird relationship.

I absolutely love birthdays. I love making the days on which we celebrate my favorite people special for them. I love picking out presents, writing cards, sometimes even baking a cake. I want that day to be perfect for them.

Every year I hope the same thing will happen on my birthday, but each year my expectations are too high and I end up being disappointing and not fully enjoying the day.

Birthdays aren't easy for a lot of people. Growing older is a very scary scenario and for many years I felt the same way. This big number 30 kept coming closer (now, it's closer than ever) and I felt like I haven't done enough, haven't experienced my 20s in the way I'm supposed to. I blame society for this, because everyone is glamorizing being in your 20s. No matter if you watch movies or read books, this is supposed to be the time of your life and as soon as the 2 changes to a 3 your life is over.

But that's the biggest bullshit ever.

My great-grandmother died in the high age of 94. Let's say I'll reach a similar age, then I only passed one third of my life so far. There's still 60 whole years ahead of me! Nothing is over - it just started.

It took me many years to realize this. I'm not losing my youth turning 30. The best is yet to come (yes, this is a bts reference and yes, this song and the way they talk about growing older is a big part of why I've come to this perspective).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that birthdays come with a certain kind of sadness. Another year has passed, something ended, something new will begin, you don't know what's going to be waiting for you.

So, even though I'm not that scared of growing older anymore, a feeling of melancholy is always around on my birthday for me. There's always a moment during the day where I wish I could sit down somewhere and just cry for a couple of minutes (I don't though, don't wanna scare my poor mother).

But then there's this feeling of expectation. I want this day to be as special as possible - I wanna feel like the most special person on this whole entire planet for 24 hours. I don't care about the rest of the year, I just want these 24 hours.

The problem already starts with the fact that it's my dad's birthday the day after mine (happy birthday, dad!). We always celebrate with the family on my dad's birthday and that's fine with me. Having family over is exhausting and this way we can avoid it for one day. But, having guests over means a lot of work, so usually my parents are busy with cleaning and cooking and baking all day. We usually don't go out on my birthday, which is fine for me too, because I'm a homebody, but let's at least enjoy the day all together?

I love getting presents. Let's be honest, who doesn't? But everyone around me has a tendency of meaning well but shooting right past the target. Ah, a fuzzy blanket, how nice - let me add it to the 5 I already have. A water bottle, always important - that's why I already have one, duh. Bed sheets, cute - I'm very highly sensitive and always use the same one. Books, cool, I love reading - but I'm in the biggest reading slump for 2 years already and that's not even a genre I like. A dress, okay, uh - don't we all know how particulate I'm with what I wear and I hate when others pick things out for me?

You see where I'm going with this. I'm happy, I truly am thankful, but the times I had to fake a smile opening a present has seriously gotten out of hand.

My friends, by the way, are awesome at choosing presents for me. BTS prints, Taylor Swift cups, Photocards, selfmade cards - yes please, thank you. I like small things, that show how much someone knows me. (Also, my parents have gotten much better, because they started asking what I want.)

Anyways... I just honestly want to spend my birthdays with the people I love. I for once want to celebrate it, on my birthday.

This year was the perfect opportunity, because it was a Saturday. I invited my friends months ago. When I reminded them a while ago, most of them had no time. I canceled, I just spend the day with my family. With my parents who were busy most of the day and my sister who is a teenager who is attached to her phone 24/7.

I want people to surprise me. I want my brothers to show up without me knowing about it. I want a room full with purple balloons and cake with the BTS logo and Taylor on it. I want a birthday party themed like I'm a 3 year old kid, because I never had this and I want to listen to my favorite artists all day and don't think about that it could annoy others, because it's my day and I can do whatever the hell I want.

And while I want all of this and I know I deserve this for one day a year I feel bad, because don't I have a happy enough life? Doesn't anyone love me enough the rest of the year? Well, to be honest, I sometimes feel not that much loved on my birthday.

I feel like my best friend and my mum are the only ones who truly appreciate me on this day - and here we are again, because isn't this super unfair to everyone else in my life?

I'm tired now and I have a headache. Tomorrow there will be people over, so I need my energy to pretend I'm all happy all day.

Like I said, this is mostly rambling. This probably doesn't even have a lot of substance, but oh well. I guess I just had to let it out.

[stateofsope]

hello, i guess

I'm not entirely sure what I'm even doing here. I just know I've been having the want to write for a while. Write about the things that make me happy.

I've tried Instagram so many times but I'm just not talented in taking pretty, aesthetically pleasing pictures. It's not even that much fun to take pictures. It's fun to write and I haven't done that in a very long time.

A writer who doesn't write. This feels wrong, right?

So maybe this is a place where I can write again. I wanna write about Taylor Swift and BTS, about the books I read, the music I listen to, the concerts I attend or just thoughts that are rambling around in my head.

No one might end up reading this, but it's fine. I just want to start writing my heart out again, want it to be something I do every day again.

So let's just see where this is going. No pressure, no fixed posting dates, just me and my thoughts.