stayingxleaving

[stayingxleaving]

The scissors in my hand felt like the hand of a friend—reassuring, comforting, healing.

I bleed to not feel the pain.

I bleed to feel something.

I bleed to catch the breath I’ve held.

June 19, 2025, 8:35pm

[stayingxleaving]

How does it feel to be loved properly? Tell me, make me feel it, please, before I die.

April 17, 2025

[stayingxleaving]

“Pag may nangyari dyan kargo mo yan! Wag nyong idaan dito bike o tubig!”

Him exploding because I parked a bit close to the wall—but can still open the car door without hitting the wall.

- Jan 20, 2025 (5pm)

[stayingxleaving]

“BOBO MO! PUTANGINA MO!”

This is you, shouting at me in front of my daughter.

This is you after I called you out to entertain and talk to your daughter for a while since you barely spend time with her anymore.

But it’s ok that you cursed at me again. It stings, as always.

But what really stabbed me right in the chest was my precious 5 y/o instantly cried and hugged me—asking, “Why is Daddy always like this?”

October 23, 2024.

[stayingxleaving]

Better off alone

[stayingxleaving]

I’m terrified that I’ll grow old broke.

I’m afraid that I’ll never become what I planned to be.

I’m afraid of becoming a disappointment.

—

July 21, 2024

12:07am thoughts

[stayingxleaving]

It aches, it bleeds. My heart.

I’ve lost my joy. I’ve lost me.

June 17, 2024

[stayingxleaving]

“Bobo mo! Putangina talaga asawa ko!”

- him fuming mad because A used his TikTok account

April 10, 2024

[stayingxleaving]

When will this end?

Whe will I end?

[stayingxleaving]

In another life I’ll find myself in the arms of someone who will hold me gently, love me deeply.

In another life my days would be filled with love and laughter.

In another life I’ll be brave enough to stand up for myself.

March 17 2024, 4:30pm

[stayingxleaving]

For the first time I asked him to leave.

“Bakit ako aalis? Ikaw umalis di ka kailangan dito.”

March 17 2024, 5am

[stayingxleaving]

“TANGINA MO KA!”

“PUTANGINA MONG GAGO KA!”

“FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!!”

“AH PAPAKITA KO SAYO PANO MANG-BABAE! TANGINA MO KA FUCK YOUUU!!!”

March 17 2024, 5AM

- Because I kept video calling him on Messenger and he wouldn’t answer.

[stayingxleaving]

Got my regular dose of profanity.

All because I moved the fruit basket, not knowing your phone was propped against it.

This marriage is a joke.

Feb 18, 2024

[stayingxleaving]

I often wonder what it feels like to never be afraid of making silly mistakes because you know your partner will just laugh it off.

I often wonder what it feels like to accidentally step on his shoe and never be afraid of a verbal retaliation because he knows your feelings are more important than a dirty shoe.

I often wonder what it feels like to call your partner for help and know he’ll come running instead of leaving you hanging.

- January 30, 2024

[stayingxleaving]

“Tangina naman kasi bida-bida ka na naman!!”

Him when I missed the airdrop alert on my phone because I had to clean up Ali’s room.

- November 10, 2023

[stayingxleaving]

There’s a deep-seated loneliness, a pit so deep in me that I cannot explain. Sometimes its presence makes itself known, often at the most inconvenient of times.

I think about jumping in, getting lost in the darkness — succumbing to its call.

[stayingxleaving]

“Gago ka! Tangina mo!”

- me after asking him to sit beside A since he’s just watching TV in his room

August 28, 2023