stayunknowntho

[stayunknowntho]

There are like 5 non material things I want, and somehow this month I feel like all of them got "nudged" at once. By nudged, I mean tested, like life’s testing me on all of them. It’s honestly been overwhelming. The tests themselves are actually pretty small, but because I’m so busy, I feel scattered, like I don’t even know what to process first. Or maybe… it’s just PMS kicking in

And now, on top of all the life stuff, even planning a vacation gives me a headache.

I really miss the days when even vacations were fully planned for me, whether it was with a travel agent or just someone else handling the logistics. I was just the princess who showed up and enjoyed everything, no stress

[stayunknowntho]

A set of my absurd questions

- Gimana sih caranya pinter merangkai kata-kata? Kalau ada bakat, pasti udah nulis ratusan artikel puitis

- Gimana sih caranya belajar bahasa Mandarin di level advanced plus ngomong pake intonasi yg tepat biar ga misreading

-  Apa konspirasi yang kamu percaya?

- Gimana sih punya kulit semulus gelas dan semengkilap bohlam?

- Gimana sih caranya punya perut kotak-kotak tanpa makan lusinan dada ayam?

- Gimana sih caranya dapet jodoh di Quora? Yang pinter gitu, yang bikin jatuh hati karena tulisannya dan pikirannya

- Gimana sih caranya nanam hidroponik di Bekasi? Gagal mulu nih udah 20 hari masih blm tumbuh besar, padahal udah dikasih nutrisi AB. Apa karena kepanasan ya?

- Gimana sih caranya biar kenal Park Seo Joon? *ga into Kdrama, tapi sekalinya nonton Itaewon Class, suka bet sama doi

- Gimana sih biar ga bosen ngucap doa yang sama terus-terusan pas habis sholat? *Hehe ketauan nih blm dikabulin*

-  Gimana sih caranya dapet temen asing online yang real, yang topiknya aman-aman aja

- Gimana sih biar bisa nyanyi bagus? Hiks pengen deh bikin video cover lagu yang enak-enak dan relaxing, tapi suara sumbang astagfirullah

- Gimana sih biar jago renang di tengah laut, ga kebawa arus?

- Gimana sih caranya ga takut Anjing? Selain dandy (anjing tetangga), kayaknya yang lain ga bersahabat

- Gimana sih caranya travel sendirian tanpa takut kesepian, nyasar, atau dapet scam?

- Gimana sih caranya ga takut nyetir? Karena pernah nyerempet pas les, jadi parno banget

- Perlu ga sih pake behel lagi karena dulu males pakai retainer?

- Gimana sih caranya kenalan sama orang yang pernah bantuin bukain pintu

[stayunknowntho]

Jeeeez he’s so overly nice i cant even! It’s weird i barely talk casually to him like i used to before. Why he has to make me feel awkward when we’re alone

[stayunknowntho]

When I realised how people can hate someone or say mean things about someone without thinking and not even knowing the whole story, it opened my eyes to the fact that some people may get some haters, not because they did something wrong but basically because they did something and luckily some of their haters are self righteous, they think they know everything, even the route to success, they criticise someone coz they think they’re always more right than everyone but what funny is they never actually get in the plane to fly themselves there. OR some just love hating someone and mocking has become their lifestyle.

[stayunknowntho]

5 or 6 months ago, I visited 7cups, I tried it as a guest. It didnt help that much, but I sort of enjoyed it. And not long ago, I came back and this time I tried becoming a listener. Well I know, I am not an expert but I really want to help them out or just simply be there to listen without judging them, I really care about them and the feeling is real. So just in case you want to reach me, go search my acc: hellohalwa. Feel free to contact me anytime

[stayunknowntho]

Aku jarang buka chat app, mungkin 2 hari sekali

Dear Friends, I was not always this way, you know. I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all. But sometimes, Friends, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker. And sometimes, silenced completely. I’m already tired of feeling anxious and sad and don’t want you to grow tired of me feeling anxious and sad. I’m sure you care and would be happy for me to confide in you, but I’ve confided in friends before and been burned and heartbroken in return. I can’t bring myself to take that kind of risk again. I’m afraid I won’t be good company. I’m afraid I’ll burden you with my emotions which I don’t feel would be fair on you. I think you all have your own struggles too, Friends, and I would like to help you, but I can’t, it's like I cant even focus on small things, and it really bothers me, I dont want to be the one that only get the affection but never do the same for you. I used to be a pep talker, so it's kinda weird if it goes vice versa. So I take all struggles as if they were my own and my load is already far too heavy. Sometimes my whole world is devoid of any good news, and any conversation we could have would be very quiet on my behalf. All I can really do is listen, because if I speak I might burst into tears. But I don’t feel strong enough to pretend to be holding myself together right now, so I’d just rather not. I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been avoiding you. You saw me replying some texts from them that are not really close with me but I ignored your messages. This is because replying them is some of the things that can make me a bit happier, they asked for help, and not personal thingy like you did. It’s a distraction, like you know, conversation without the spotlight being on me. I can do it in my pajamas without having done my face to look like I’m getting better than I feel on the inside. I don’t run much risk of having to answer the question “How are you?” …because I don’t want to lie to you. That would make me feel anxious when I’m already feeling anxious. I don’t believe in lying to people, especially people I care about. I don’t want to fake a smile, tell you I’m fine, and divert your questions while screaming inside how I’m anything but fine. If you wonder why I still haven’t answered your messages. This does not mean I purposely skip you. This doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. I'm still wondering too, you know, figuring out which ones that sincerely care me out of yall, that may be some of you just only kepo. You may be lonely too, and I’m sorry. But I’m training myself to take care of myself and my needs, and to give myself all the attention I deserve, because that’s what is supposed to help me recover, or at least cope. I wish I could find a way to reach out to you but I can’t. It isn’t because I don’t like you anymore, or because you’ve started to annoy me. It’s not because your life has been tense and I don’t want to be a part of it. It’s definitely not because I don’t miss you. I do. Indeed. Really. So much. You know the expression people use about “digging yourself a hole” in a situation, when you keep talking and continue to feel stupid but can’t reign in your words? Imagine that I, as a person, have dug my own hole. Mine, however, is entirely in my mind. When I start digging that hole, it can be incredibly hard to climb back out. The thoughts in my head tell me I’m worthless. They tell me I’m not worth talking to. They tell me that talking to you is going to be an anxiety-inducing experience where I will analyze every single word you say to see if you hate me or not, even though somewhere the sane part of me knows that you do not. They tell me we haven’t talked in awhile because you don’t like me anymore. They tell me, sometimes, that life doesn’t feel worth it. When I dig myself a hole, those moments when I go completely quiet for days, weeks, and months at a time, it’s because I need help. I can’t remember how to ask for it. I know I need help, but asking would be way too troublesome to anybody that’s around me. When I dig that hole in my mind and don’t seem to be coming out, what I need more than anything is for you to toss me a rope. Ask me to go out for ice cream, ask me if I wanna join you to cinema. Ask me if I need to talk. If I am unresponsive to either of those questions, find a way to force me out of where I’m hiding from the world. I know yall have asked me those kind of questions, but keep going. That kind of normalcy feels like motivation for me. Keep doing it. Often. It will get exhausting. You do have your own life. I know that — but if you’re able to help me climb out of the hole far enough to get some footing, I know I dont need to say this, but I love you even more. I really love you more than words can show. Maybe we struck a friendship during a time when socialising wasn’t so daunting. Maybe you think it’s totally uncharacteristic of me to be silent and surely you must have caused offense. But Friends, understand that this condition is unpredictable and the best thing you can do is just wait. I need time. I’m grieving that part of me that no longer exists and that bright future I thought I was going to have. As part of my anxious predicament I’m regretting so many things. The fact that I’m hurting my friends by accident by apparently turning my back on them. The fact that I can’t talk to you about this in person because it’s too hard. The fact that I can’t have friends because I can’t talk to my friends and therefore none of them can begin to understand why it’s hard for me to keep friends. The fact that I am so alone I don’t know when I’ll ever be less alone. The fact that there are people depending on me that deserve better than for me to be so afraid of so many things that I can hardly function. I’m trying, Friends, and I’m so sorry if you’re hurt by me. If you want to walk away I understand, but please do not convey to me the disappointment that I’m not what you want me to be, because I’ve got enough disappointment in myself. Just send me positive thoughts as much as you can spare in the hopes that maybe, one day, I’ll be on the other side of this, and I’ll be so grateful that you were so patient and understanding. When that day comes I hope you willingly accept me. BTW, I'm really thankful that I have yall that I cant even count on the fingers of mine.

[stayunknowntho]

Okay I dont remember, but I think you are the first man can win my heart not by your personality, physical appearance or intelligence or sense of humor. So how came you? It's new to me, never realized inspiration can be a huge attraction. I am affected by your simple words. You've inspired me to be a better person, to push myself in my education, in my beliefs, culture, and values. When I was giving up, realise it or not you ensured me I can keep going and cross that finish line. Hope my other half has the full package (I'm not saying it's better if he's like you :p): has good looks, intelligence (jeez, you play some instruments, have a good taste in fashion and everything, do math, you read books, you swim uber cool wkwk #englishgermannaon, you do sports and watch the games, have a wide knowledge in current issues, speak english fluently, listen a variety of music genres, and know a lot of songs from each genre), sense of humor, warm&calm personality, put god&family first, and the most important: inspire me

[stayunknowntho]

I was embarrassed to tell everyone about it because when I brought it up with other people, I was made to feel as if I was being overdramatic. Nobody really understood so I would suffer in silence. I was also told by a lot of people not to go on medication and that it wouldn’t help and that I shouldn’t depend on that. The one that can help yourself is you. But mom (and I thought the same because I just cant stand hearing my voice inside my head ) pushed me to talk about it because therapist knew what it was doing to me. So I talked about it. Turns out I do have a severe anxiety disorder and major depression. He did suggest that I should try medication and come counseling again because for my case, one was not enough. Again I was scared but we decided on both of those things. I could tell it was helping a little at a time but still I haven’t totally got back to normal. I still can feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I try hard not to dig my nails into my palm every ten minutes. My point is nobody knows what goes on in your head. Dont be so quick to judge everybody. No one is loser, everyone is struggling

[stayunknowntho]

It is a disease which suffocates the senses.

It seeps into your eyes so that your vision is tainted.

It vibrates through your ears and you hear nothing but sad songs and meaningless rabble.

It lingers on your tongue and lips. What is sweet tastes bland.

It is a warm bath of sadness.

It sticks your skin and drives you to madness.

It soothes you, like morphine does a dying man.

It haunts you, as regret torments a sinful man.

To be overcome, it must be undone.

But to this end, you will never come.

You must learn to breath under water and grapple life with NUMB fingers.

You must strive to live and not just linger.

Once it has touched you it stains your soul forever.

But you have to believe you can go through this situation.

It will try to stall your every endeavour tho.

Take control of your own survival.

Do not wait for contentment’s arrival.

A better existence you must desire.

One cannot navigate through the night without a fire.

[stayunknowntho]

I wish you didn’t care, about how little I ate that night, the delight of eating is gone. Thinking of ways to survive and stay positive. See, I say I went to sleep early or had no internet access. But I was pretending. So you can think I’m okay. Because everything is complicated, I cant sleep, even when I fall asleep, I still feel fluttering in my heart, and it's really painful. And what I’m really doing is quite depressing. I’m not going to continue this. In case somebody finds it. Because I battle in silence. My guns are insults and my grenades are self doubt.

Oh I wish you didn’t care, About me at all. See my fears may stand tall. But there’s no fighting back anymore. I turn and slam the door. On who I can and can’t trust. Some of you are the reason y I have trust issue.

Everything turns to dust. I isolate myself in my room. Because I simply don’t have the energy to move. And pretend that I’m okay. When my illness-i-am-too-shamed to-admit is eating me. Alive or dead it doesn’t care. And neither do I, I think that’s fair.

   If anyone knows about any prayers besides the conventional ones that are mentioned in buku paduan sholat, tell me, because they are really relaxing and healing

[stayunknowntho]

did anybody else get the study guide or

[stayunknowntho]

[stayunknowntho]

Natürlich hoffst du, dass es über Nacht besser wird, doch du wachst auf und merkst, nichts hat sich geändert. Jedesmal.

[stayunknowntho]

laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah

[stayunknowntho]

Dev whats up?

Apart from feeling suicidal, I am ok