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[stellarbinaryandlove]

Heads up... this is a rant. sentences wont be perfect, ideas will blend. I don’t care, i just gotta get it out. So, living with an alcoholic is just a downer. waiting for the time they’re sober takes a long time and patience. for my relationship in particular, i’m never allowed to leave on my own just because. it is always for groceries or drying our laundry. its never to hang out with friends, which i have none so that’s easy. I cannot leave when i am angry or it will turn into “ you’re just going to see someone else” or “ i’m going to hurt myself if you don’t do exactly as i want” it is just annoying to never be able to clear your head and constantly swimming in the bullshit. I have so much tension and stress my head feels tingly and fuzzy. I don’t even feel like a person anymore. Whats a hobby? what is it like to have a friend? I wouldn’t know.... and i’m to afraid to even attempt anymore because i feel like ill just cause them another problem. 

[stellarbinaryandlove]

Square one

Constantly starting at square one feels like insanity. Telling yourself you’re going to do better, and then as soon as you just don’t have an ounce of care because you’re exhausted, you cave. Its truly tiring beating yourself down and trying to build it all back up from the pieces. Is this human behavior? like everyone does this? Some people just seem to get it together, and keep it that way. I cant even find the right direction to get started. Everyone has advice and opinions, that aren’t all that helpful. I guess, i really just need to block everything else out and get out of my own head. It really is the worst place to be

[stellarbinaryandlove]

relief

When we feel relief, i think some of us are hesistant. We have this habit of assuming it isnt going to last long and we wonder whats going to happen next. Its never enjoyed, and what makes it worse is that we dont allow our selves too. Society is so busy, we gotta do this and that... but do we really? Do we really need to make sure the laundry is folded before tomorrow? That the dishes arent done? that our floors might need a cleaning, but you just cant? I get it, all to well. Im here to say, im not going to judge you for taking care of yourself mentally. We deserve some peace even if it is brief. 

[stellarbinaryandlove]

Being on the meds has helped me more than I could ever imagine. Feeling “normal”... I know I have to get out of my own head, its the worst place anyone can be. Especially when they’re not good at pep talks. Well, thats not true. I do have my days where I can Truly be supportive and a visionary. I miss those days , they fluctuate with my hormones. Oh, those dread bastards. I hate how they control everything. 

[stellarbinaryandlove]

spinning motionless

This whole week has just felt like i cannot accomplish anything, i’m afraid to make moves for fear that they’re wrong. I cant clean or cook right, i’m completely thrown off my game. Do I blame the moon, or can I chalk it up to medication adjustments.