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Home, Finally.

Feels so nice to be home. Was surprised to be given a ‘celebrity’ welcome at the airport with my family. And I successfully surprised Adil too! #achievementunlocked Sent him a fake e ticket so that he was convinced that I would come back a day later. Met up with old but gold friends over the last one week and it does feel like nothing has changed. :) So glad that I made it in time for the EEE friends’ convocation. Really miss them good ol’ hall times. 

Definitely have to get used to this humidity and the lack of vast oceans, clear skies and expanse of forests. 

Missing this bunch back at the Santa Clara office! Thanks for the best internship experience ever. For trusting me with so many design and mechanical engineering projects and for sharing part of your lives with me, :). 

Excited for what is come back here at home :) And it’s nice to be surrounded by so many people who I love so dearly <3

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;’)

This emoji pretty much sums up all my experiences in the past 1+ month.

I just can’t say how thankful for all the people who have showered me with so much kindness and care. 

Initially, my accommodation was inconvenient and there were many limitations, but im so thankful to have so many friends who reached out to make my stay and life better. Thank you friends who always host me at their house, send me around because i simply cant drive, cooking the most homely home cooked food and laughing at all my stupid jokes. You guys are truly great friends and i count my blessings over and over again for yall. So thankful to have had this one year alone in America, for without this, i would have never realised what amazing friends i have been blessed with.

Opportunities 

Opportunities are everywhere, you just got to seek them out. The dance scene here is insane. Being ‘close’ to MNW, ive got to learn from the most amazing dancers, with the most talented people and it has been such a humbling experience. Excited for more to come as well. Internship has been challenging me in the product design and in branding aspects and it is truly a great learning experiences. Taking things in my own stride and making the most out of everything. 

:)

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(Old Note in Phone #2) ROAD TRIPPIN

Had an amazingggg road trip with 3 of my mech brothers. They are truly my pseudo brothers who literally have to drive me around (due to my inability to drive) and have to squeeze on one large queen bed while letting me get my own.  (teeheee) the trip was so carefree, and breathtaking. We got to experience a wide range of temperatures and views (from waterfalls, to churches, to plains, creeks, mountains and animals). Couldn't have asked for a better road trip with this bunch and ill really cherish the memories and conversations we shared. Fulfilled my NYC dreams with my roommate! Really got a taste of being truly independent as i had to spend one day alone and take 2 flights myself. We got to see 2 broadway shows (Stomp and chicago-- both were super impressive ofc), Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Empire State, 911 Memorial, Central Park and museums. Got to experience and learn so much from this trip and shared beautiful with my coolest japanese friend while stuffing our faces with food. NYC was super busy and i'm actually pretty glad to be heading over to San Jose for some peace and quiet. Moving onto a new stage in life, and soon enough, heading home. :)

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(Old Note in my Phone #1) FINALLY DONE W EXCHANGE

I AM FINALLY DONE WITH 9 MONTHS OF EXCHANGE OMG. In the first semester, i thought i would bid this exchange goodbye with much happiness and relief that the torture is over. But now pretty sad that this amazing and fulfilling experience is over. From an academic perspective, I did the bare minimum and scrapped past all my mech assignments and what not, but from a personal perspective, i have grown so much and am super thankful for this whole experience. So i'm writing this post to sum up all the main milestones and experiences, in order to bring everything to a nice sweet closure. So in Berkeley, i found 2 things that i am super passionate about- dance and design. I'm almost completely sure that this passion for these 2 things would not die out anytime soon.

Dance I got the opportunity to dance with Berkeley's competitive dance team Main Stacks. Initially, when i went for the auditions and learnt the piece from some super crazy talented dancers, i was super doubtful that i would make it on the team. After i got it, it was a complete struggle to keep up with the pace of learning and to feel comfortable with people who were SOOOOO DIFFERENT. For example, when people ask me why i look so tired, i would say i'm just "stoning", but in american terms it meant that i was on drugs. Uh oh miscomm -.-   In the first semester, there were so many down times and thoughts of quitting once i had the chance to. Then people started reaching out, asking me out for dinner, hanging out and having freestyle sessions together and i really did feel like i belonged. Although some differences were still stark, i didn't feel like 'that exchange student' but 'the singaporean on Stacks'. That was really nice. Competitions became so much more enjoyable and there was a new purpose to everything. I'm so glad to have been able to be part of organising a major dance competition in NorCal and to have participated in 3 other competitions in California. Stacks was one of the best decisions i made and not quitting was an even better decision. I'm sure i did improve and it was such a great honour to have danced and learnt from such talented and versatile dancers. Can't wait to see where everyone will go from here, and i'm sure i'll recognise faces on dope teams on Youtube in the future. Thanks for helping me find a home away from home, Stacks <3 Design I didn't even know how i got so actively involved in this but a keen interest really sparked after summer internship last year. So i came to berkeley deciding to learn more. The biggest push factor was getting into Berkeley Innovation and being surrounded by designers. Coupled with taking on the design role for several projects and 'startups', i really got super involved. I'm happy i got to face such a steep learning curve. It was a tough way of teaching myself design but it was really through trial and error that i got to make the most of this experience. I was exposed to product design and branding. I had to design the packaging for an olive oil brand and an acne fighting serum for a company. In the second semester, i got to be super involved in Web and UI design which was such a great learning experience. Currently working with a client and i'm glad to be exposed to such a working environment so early into my design journey. This really teaches me to work smart and to be more professional in the way i design. All in all, i really learnt that less is more and practice makes perfect. There were many demoralised nights and times when i felt that improvement was far away and slow, but that is just the way of life. Slowly and steady, i'll get there :)

Friends Beyond grateful for the constants-- my REP family. I'm so touched that they would always 'jio' despite the usual 'i'm sorry i've got dance practice'. Traveling with them was always enjoyable and carefree. Esp when i travel with the mech guys, i feel like they are my new big brothers. So thankful that let me be the lazy little girl of the group who is always looking for food to eat and for letting me take a bite of everything they eat. Teeeheeee. After these few months, i'm sure REP friends will be friends for life <3 even if we will spend years in radio silence being busy with our lives, i know we will be there for each other.  

Family I'm so surprised that my relationship with my family and Adil went so smoothly and 'maturely'. There was no strict expectation to skype once a day or a few times a week nor frivolous arguments but we knew that we would always be there for each other. Seeing them on a screen at nights and in the mornings just made my day and constantly reminded me of what is important.  They kept me grounded throughout and i just can't wait to be reunited. I'm just such a lucky girl to have people who love me and support me so much. <3 This sense of being blessed and thankfulness reminds me to count my blessings and to not take them for granted. Myself I always thought that i was an independent strong woman but i'm starting to doubt this after exchange. Food is my weakness and having such a bad sense of direction is gonna kill me one day. I'm pretty sure if not for my friends, i would be in a really bad state, or maybe kidnapped somewhere lol. I always thought that i was pretty adventurous but i figured that i'm a creature of comfort who would rather snuggle up watching a good animation than trudge through snow (depends on circumstances...). I'm working on being more genuinely inquisitive, whether it pertains to culture, people or general knowledge.  I survived low times during exchange by keeping myself busy, and although this seems like such an efficient and effective coping mechanism, i wasn't completely true with my emotions. But i'm sure all this will be better when i'm much closer to my loved ones. I'm glad that i managed to realign my priorities in Berkeley and identify what is truly frivolous and what is really important. Some things and people are worth investing all your effort, time and life in while other things are not as worth being emotionally tied down too. Life should be simple. Do what you want, try your best and not regret anything. I've also come to realise how much i love asia and singapore, and there is truly no place like home. Although this sounds like some NDP propaganda, you will really understand after being in a foreign land for so long. A stranger's hint of a Singaporean accent and familiar food  will spark you immediately. Currently touring national parks with my mech brothers (who have really done a lot for me during this trip :') ). It's been such an awesome trip thus far and so psyched for NYC with my roommate in 5 days. I'm so excited for what is to come during internship when i will really have to be very independent. 10 weeks is a short time but i will make the most out of it. I can't wait to see my loved ones and return home on 31 july noon <3 Stay tuned for more updates on this post exchange and pre internship trip ^^

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Hell of an experience

CANADA AND BUSINESS COMPETITION 

The past 2 weeks= CRAZYYYYYY. and yes, i went for a business competition in canada. Me, business??? lol surprise surprise. With both us being the youngest in the team and minimal entrepreneurial spirit within us, we trudged on this long and tiring journey. Preparing for the competition was ,well..., hell. It was pure torture. Everyday, i could find more questions and doubts to ask about the business. Honestly, our plan was reversed engineered, a lot about forcing our existing solutions into the problems that we found. We could have done major changes but there was simply no time, hence, this led to my huge uncertainty about the business. However, as the week went by and more and more of these questions were resolved, the numbers started solidifying and the business model and the processes became way more concrete. Eventually, practising for the pitch and discussing all the details with our mentor was really rewarding. We came from a point of not being able to pitch smoothly, to having really seamless and confident runs, and to talking to experienced mentors who have really given in all to dive into this social enterprise world. AND ALL THIS HAPPENED WITHIN A WEEK! (pats on back) When we arrived in Canada, it snowed too! (VIRGIN SNOW EXPERIENCE HAD TO BE A STORM THO LOL)  We didn’t make it to the top 6 but we went on to watch the pitches and well, that was the day i learnt so much. 

To some of us, this competition, was well, just some competition and business plan crafting process. To others, this was their passion and their lives for the next few years to come. Learning, watching and getting to talk the finalists was mindblowing. I realised how human and alike we all are, but what really set them apart (aside from pure geniusness), was really dedication and passion to take their business beyond words dancing across a powerpoint.  Made really passionate friends with the contestants and the organisers and saw so much talent and drive in all of them. WOW. 

It really made me reflect and think what i wanted to do with my life. The business world was def not a world i wanted to dive into. I used to think that people used the word ‘startups’ really loosely and i finally understood what real startups meant. It meant (in certain cases) dropping out of or taking a break from school to focus on the business, holding on to the reason why you started this and also investing tons of your own money into this. In summary-- dedication. I really hoped that many people had the chance to see what i saw, i understand that you can’t just start a startup for the novelty of it. It was certainly a way of bringing a good to large masses as well. If i ever find a product that is impactful and beneficial, i would head on dive into the business industry, but for now, let’s just keep learning from them from a distance. 

So this experience has really inspired to me strive for what i am passionate about. ALL IN OR ALL OUT. Which was design. So yup, here i am in strada, drawing cubes in different perspectives. Trying to really work on building a strong foundation and doing it quickly. Looked at my work last semester and i was like oh boyyyyyy, NEEDS TO IMPROVE NAOOOO BEFORE I EMBARASS MYSELF FURTHER. Becos so many things to do, so little time. THEN LET’S GO KILL IT IN SINGAPORE (lol, let me dream pls) Oh ya and internship at a 3d bio printing startup in san jose set in stone. Finally made my decisions as i had to decide within 3 days. But i figured that this choice would make me the happiest and would challenge me the most. 

dance

I kept bouncing around with the idea of taking a break from dance this semester but the last few practices has left me with no regrets. From being awestruck by dope dancers to pushing myself and feeling proud (for simply remembering all the steps hehe), i really felt so much about dance in the last 2 weeks. What impacted me the most was choreographing for our winter homework. HELLA STRESSED ABOUT IT IN THE LAST 3 DAYS BEFORE IT WAS DUE but i pushed myself with the feedback from friends. Experimented with the very things that im weak in-- emotions, textures, speed and control and i really did learn how to implement and execute them. So much more to come and a long way to go, but yeah, step by step?:) let’s make this worth it. YAS. 

So, ending this post with a lot of positivity and hope. Let’s hope this sem isnt superrrr crazy and i will keep this self-improvement-in-design thing going. and sth i was working on and experimenting with. :) TILL THEN!  

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In Hindsight

About to clear 3 months worth of backlog, but i really need this right now. Head’s a mess, emotions everywhere. Feeling so overwhelmed, but right now at this moment i have nothing to do. So it’s good to clear my head, think about what went well and what went completely wrong last semester. 

So i had the most amazing winter. With the people i love the most, i had the best birthday, christmas and new year. We honestly didnt do anything special at all on those occasions, but my heart was full and my smile was wide. For that good one month, my loved ones were no longer pixels in the computer screen. It wasnt completely smooth, naturally, but im sure it brought our family closer. San Francisco holds so many memories for my family, adil and i. It’s now more than just a city. Yosemite and canyon was nothing short of beautiful. The theme parks was surreal and it’s been so long since we were so light-hearted. I didnt enjoy Vegas that much tho, with no money to gamble and to indulge in pricey, there was nothing much to do but to shiver in the cold and sleep. 

Seeing my family and adil was so surreal but the goodbyes were so hard to say. As much as i am filled with homesickness right now, and everything in berkeley and in my room reminds me of them, i am so thankful that it even happened. And for them, i shall keep my chin up and not mope it the longing to go home. Meeting sici was so sweet. If only we had more time together :( Funny how our take away from our exchange is some what similar. 

HAWAII <3 This trip with the mechies was by far the best friends-trip. It was so nice to return to a tropical island, although we really gorged our faces with food. (All the Ahi, Poke, Pork and KOMBUCHAAAAA) Travelling with 9 guys really makes you fat for sure. The vibes of the trip was so good as everyone was really just set on chilling and taking our time. We paddle boarded in the pacific ocean, against a paddlepop sky lit up by God’s rays and we snorkelled in the freezing Pacific ocean. To be honest, i was completely terrified. But it was a great trip with many firsts, and i am indeed blessed with such great bros who i can really count on. 

BRIDGE AND STACKS || Stacks really pushed me so hard this semester. The desire to do my best and it was really inspiring to see everyone so determined and dedicated, despite work, school and commitments. I have learnt to open up, to listen and to be comfortable. Stacks really taught me how to search my soul. And Bridge was a dream come true. I actually performed on one of those youtube-famed stages, watched my idols live in action. 

Well, bridge week was hell week too. There were way too many project commitments that were due. But BI was a good run. Working with these like minded, honest, sincere and efficient girls turned out so fulfilling and fruitful. My other projects gave me so much design exposure too, but there were so many things that i would have done differently if i could turn back the time. Well, i guess all i can say about projects here is that expectations and reality is actually worlds apart. But it’s always a learning experience right. 

Solo trip was Fauzi started out so well. It was my first legit white winter. Treading on frozen lakes and ankle deep snow, venturing off the trails to see the best views and long car rides with beautiful views. However, things changed with the CO incident, falling sick with the worst bout of food poisoning. Although suffering alone overseas is probably an experience i never want to go through again, Im really did pull through. And i am so thankful for this great friend, who really companied me through the good and the bad. Really couldnt have done it without him. 

All in all, the reason for the post is for me to really reflect and think about what i want to this semester. I did so much last semester, yes, i had happy moments, but i remember feeling sad, overwhelmed and panicky most of the time. How should i do things differently this semester? I have got great friends here with me, that fill our conversations with laughter. I have got great travel opportunities, however, i have great learning, design and dance opportunities too. I have reached this crossroad where i know that i cannot do everything all at once, otherwise, one or everything will eventually be compromised. 

GOAL FOR THIS SEMESTER: TO EXPERIENCE EXCHANGE AND TO LIVE IT FULLY AND HAPPILY. TO BE PROUD OF WHO I AM, WHO I HAVE BECOME, WHAT I SAY AND WHAT I DO. 

P.S. THANKFUL FOR FRIENDS WHO KEEP ME SANE REGARDLESS. 

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WHAT DRIVES YOU?

After a super long backlog, im back. Played around with the layout of this blog and tada. 

OK so the past 2 months has just whizzed past, and it really wasnt easy. I was definitely not expecting my exchange to turn out this way, but i guess it’s the little little decisions everyday that led up to this. It was first committing to a competitive dance team that i had to give up travelling for, and then deciding to join more stuff since my weekends were free. And now look where i am. Just hope i havent committed to things more than what i can grasp. 

But oh gosh, im learning so much everyday. About myself, about dance, about design, about people. Being put with the locals everyday, i just can’t help but feel different. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is really nice to me, but it’s just normal to feel different here, precisely because i am different. But this has presented me with a whole new opportunity to listen. To observe and to learn. To think twice and wisely before speaking and to let your actions speak louder that your words. Who knew, i am actually hella introverted. 

Really happy with the amount of design opportunities and exposure presented to me. Fulfilled with every design i complete, big or small, poorly executed or well done. They are all small little milestones that go a long way. :) 

Enough of that,  but as i grow each day and push myself everyday, i hope to break out of this robotic rhythm and to instead find out what truly drives me. 

STACKS: Teaching me so much everyday. New perspective in dance, and seeing things from a different angle in a set. It’s refreshing and motivating :) 

Tahoe with Berkeley Innovation. Met really nice and kind people, and some ‘introverts’ with really loud souls and big hearts. 

Day trips with friends who are close to my heart. Driving around SF, San jose and other days to exploratorium. Conversations that warm that heart, keep your rooted and invigorates you. Thank you, people who keep me sane. 

Missing home like mad. But for now, this is all. 

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Possibilities are endless

I MUST BLOG BEFORE MY TRAVELS FADE INTO OBLIVION, SO I HAVE TO DOCUMENT THEM ASAP. 

Ok so three weeks have zoomed past. The weird thing is it feels like it’s been months but it’s only been three weeks. At the same time, it passed too quickly. WEIRD. VERY WEIRD. 

Anyway, the first started out with loads of ADULT-Y stuff like starting our bank accounts and getting credit cards all. Super blessed with a really nice japanese roomie and so thankful that we can get along on so many levels :) Pretty cosy room and im actually really liking this double decker arrangement. 

OH WAIT HAVE I MENTIONED THE WEATHER. It’s sunny but it’s like 13-21 deg C, so it’s like an aircon wonderland. Gets chilly at night tho, but i couldnt be more thankful for this less humid change in weather. 

WEEK1.

We managed to squeeze in treks in between our schedules. Cause we’ve got like buffet meal plans for all our meals, so naturally, trekking is of great importance. But more importantly, the company and views at the end of each trek/hike made it all worth it. I also went to san francisco twice with the REP people (for those who are a little unsure, im here with 39 other batchmates, so SINGAPOREAN POWER!) Im slowly growing to love San Francisco, and really appreciating their hilly but picturesque city scape. Also love their windy piers, oh and did i mention the awesome clam chowder in sour dough bread :P

(Creds: leyiiiiii)

(photo creds: dtaiiiiii)

WEEK 2: 

Stayed in on the weekend so ended up cycling in San Francisco with my REP FRWENSSS and my roomie :) THIGHS DIED AND MY HEART WAS GONNA DIE FROM BEING SO KANCHIONG. Thank God for street smart and patient friends. Had a really great day cycling for almost 10 hours. Every uphill will be rewarded with a super shiok speeding downhill or an amazing view. Got to see many different city scapes at different times of the day. OH YEAHHH PERSPECTIVES~ and ofc, what’s a day trip without step photoshoots? (laughing so hard at tryhard ourselves after the photo)

(creds: leyiiiii) 

WEEK 3:

So week 3 started off with a long labour day weekend, which was perfect for our LA trip. Despite a super long 6 hour car ride, it was super worth it. (Thank you drivers :)) BEACH//FIRST AIRBNB WITH REALLY COMFY BEDS//HOLLYWOOD SIGN//BERVELEY HILLS// WALK OF FAME (actually they were a lot less glamourous than portrayed on movies) 

AND OFC UNIVERSAL STUDIOS HOLLYWOOD.

i was initially super meh about it when i first entered cause the most thrilling ride was some kids rollercoaster. But boy i was so wrong. The experience of each ride was so enhanced by multimedia and detailed sets. They have really successfully replicated the scene and sets as depicted in the movies and they have really exuded the magic and happiness in each world respectively. (Harry Potter, Despicable Me, Simpsons esp). I think it really does take some skill to make you feel kiddy-happy without making you feel childish. (you feel me?) Each ride was really a thrill to the senses and i really think that the theme park has really pushed entertainment boundaries. During the studio tours and special effects show, i really learn so much about stimulation and special effects used during movies. (too much to elaborate but really wow wow). New found respect for those in this industry. (CAN UNIVERSAL STUDIOS EMPLOY ME FOR INTERNSHIP PLS?)

And another milestone.... MAINSTACKS LEVEL 9! :) Im super thankful to have been accepted into this dance crew and OMG i have so much to learn from everyone. Had the most elaborate and “effort-investing” audition ever, but so thankful to have found these girls who share a common passion for dance. Crazy cypher culture and love the how the crew mates genuinely enjoy dancing and are so comfortable in their zone. SO MUCH TO LEARN FROM EVERYONE, SO PSYCED FOR WHAT IS TO COME. 

Also, have been learning so much from the culture here. I would say that most people are very warm and there’s so many things to learn across cultures from everyday conversations. (Who knew that dating and chasing partners in different countries could be so different?) But i have found a renewed motivation to push myself to improve more and more each day. Ive got so much to work on- design, skills, dance and staying informed on inquisitive. All in all, ive got to nurture myself to be a better person as well. 

Really gonna make the best out of my one year here, and yea, the possibilities are endless. Let’s make magic happen. 

Despite all the fun stuff going on here, i really miss home. How i wish my loved ones are here to savour the beautiful moments with me, cause i know that you guys would love it too. Thank you family for morning skype calls (before you guys sleep and while im eating breakfast) and supporting me through tough days  and adil for watching me sleep over skype. AND CONGRATTTTTS TO ADIL WHO SURVIVED ONE WEEK OF BATTLING DENGUE. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

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IN TRANSITION

(posting an old draft)

It's 8:29 Singapore time, 5:30 Berkeley time, and here I am in my small confined airplane seat, wriggling my toes in my socks. Kinda stuck in transition and can't figure out what time to sleep right now, so I thought I should catch up on some blogging backlog. Haven't been blogging cause I've been sooooo busy but I guess now that I'm starting my exchange adventure, stay tuned for more updates!

SUMMER

My summer has been so awesome. Was given a great internship opportunity that taught me so much about myself, about working and kindled a passion and interest for design. What made it even better was that I went through this journey with Adil. Despite his capabilities and my inadequacies, I'm so glad that he helped me through struggles and tough times. And also thankful for all the colleagues who were so willing to share despite being busy, and I learnt so many things and skills, way beyond I could have imagined!

Summer was spent meeting so many dear friends and family and going on dates! I figured that the best times spent don't have to be at fancy places, but many hours can be filled with endless chatter so long as there is good company.

I'm just so thankful for the effort invested in last few days and weeks that I have been in Singapore. different loved ones made it so special for me to make sure that I had a part of them to take away with me on this trip. And yes, I'll hold these treasured memories so dearly in my heart. Thinking about them now just give me these warm fuzzy feelings in my heart.

ON EXCHANGE

Leaving at the airport was so difficult. Initially, I was endlessly chattering till I had to bid farewell. These people mean so much to me, they mean the world to me and how lucky I am to have something that is so hard to say goodbye to. The first hour of flight was pretty depressing and foreboding, knowing that I won't have them physically around. I guess things can no longer be resolved or made better with a pat on the head or a tight hug. But yea, I will learn to grow with this distance and to treasure all my relationships. Distance means so little when people mean so much.

But yea, exchange is finally here. On this exchange, the possibilities are endless and I really have got to throw myself out there to make the magic happen rather than to wait for them to come at me. I am ready to take in sights that will take my breath away, ready to try new things that would be so tough at first but worth it in the end, struggle through tough hikes just to be rewarded by a mind blowing view. Most of all, in this trip, I want to truly learn about myself, and to love myself. I want to stop being lazy and be the person I will be proud of. I want to dance my heart out without the fear of being judged or the fear of no progression cause I want to just enjoy it. I want to design things that actually do make an impact, however big it is. I want my faith to be louder than my fears and my actions to hold more weight than my words.

In this one year, I'm gonna make myself and my loved ones proud, see things that will blow my mind away and treasure every bit of this priceless opportunity. Come at me, US

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Fight when you feel like flying

Just last night, i probably got the harshest comments and the biggest wake up call. I know im not up to standards, and im really far from meeting expectations. I really am struggling, but im really trying. I guess what ive learnt from this episode is that enough is never enough. When you think you are trying hard enough, try harder. 

Design, like dance, requires you to put your whole self in or don’t start at all. And i admit, i might have just done what i thought was just enough and felt satisfied with the occasional “good jobs” when i now know that the good jobs are far from perfect. Also, i got way too demoralised after my first project and bad reviews, that i became timid and extremely fearful, so much so that i just tried not stepping on peoples’ toes, in fear of making my inadequacies more obvious. So i just tried to fade into the background and become bland. 

Also, to be honest, i am often slothy and always seeking for comfort in my comfort zone. I have to really push beyond my limits and always ask questions. I was always scared i was a burden and i didnt dare to ask in fear of just being extra baggage to the rest, but now i know, it’s better to be known as over zealous than to be recognised as not proactive. 

One month is short. But Ive only got one month, one month to earn their trust and to prove myself once again. So no more of being comfortable, but im really gonna put myself out there. I guess i always have to learn things the hard way. 

As i battle endlessly with my incompetencies and inadequacies in everything that i am interested in, i hope i grow stronger and learn. Im scared, im feeling extremely small, and with every day of this summer, i just shrink more and more. But i’ve had enough. 

Lesson learnt: Go forward. Don’t watch and wait. Do what you dread. Do what your guts tell you to. 

note to self:

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ― Ira Glass

Come on... There’s no more time. 

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Wish i could write beautiful words

Wish i could put my emotions into words eloquently, but i have tried and failed terribly. 

Anyway, amidst all the resume making and submission, i decided to edit and come up with an informal and real-er version of me. 

I guess this is a pretty good summary of me and my milestones. 

And to carry off from the previous post, and also due to several pensive nights, i keep thinking about my value and where i should go from here. 

For  now, i want to swallow all that i can learn about design and hopefully pave the few remaining years in my education towards that field. Also, i just want to learn how to truly enjoy and love dance and not to be dishevelled by the people around me or the auditions or milestones that i might have to face soon. 

So for now, my mind is crowded out with proportions, fonts, texts, shapes and also by love for my loved ones, gorgeous memories from the past weeks and hope for my favourite hobby. 

Also, Gentle Bone’s concert was amazing. The crowd sang beautifully and the music arrangement was on point. Thank you Gentle Bones for a great night, and thank you, my great company for sharing it with me. 

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Wow, so much has happened in such a short while (ok it was quite long since i last blogged) and i didnt manage to document all of them in photos :( but here goes a shot at remembering the good memories and let me try doing it systematically. 

Pre exams and exams 

Spending most of my study break at home/ pon class, rest at home with mummy mondays/nothing beats home and family/ studying at random places all over the country to kill the boredom/ filling it randomly with occasional dance classes/ happy skype calls with adil while im just studying and he’s playing fifa (cause he ended exams so early :( ) /random source for internship amidst the study stress/ supper and supper deliveries/ late night talks with the roomie

Post exams

Xiao Mei’s dance class which taught me how my foundation is so weak, but really good training and im so awe inspired/ mechies BBQ celebration and hoboing at cathay playing Psyched on our phones/ catching up with dear old friends/ meeting my best friend more frequently than ever and always saying how time flies lol/ continue our hunt for yummy cafe mochas and chocolate cakes/ SDD with the soulmixessssssss *wow*/ FM :O which was really kinda draggy for 9-5 but it’s a really good skill to have, i must admit/ steamboats with the REP neighbours and getting the precious chances to all congregate and eat together again during FM *yay*/movie nights in hall/moving back home and officially bidding goodbye to my dirty hall room/ weekly family foodie adventures and music adventures at timbre+ (omg my dad waves his hands and cheers so loudly for the band, idk whether to hide or to be proud haha)/ helping the longboard gang paint, how therapeutic/Civil war/ Xmen (twice)/ Me Before You/ Attending my first 21st Party-- happy Birthday Vivian-- with the good ol’ SN girls/ starting Project with the MJ buds, something new and upcoming!!!/ good quality talks Chin and Jolt over drinks and pizzazas after a stressful day at Switch/ And also Drug Deal one week later at Switch, can’t stop laughing with this bunch and damn we are noisy hahah but adam don’t go :’(

Internship

Surprisingly, both Adil and I got into a product design firm since we share the same interest. It’s a cosy company with a small but extremely competent team. And i mean, extremely extremely competent. I’ve been brushing up on Illustrator and learning solidworks and actually had a go at designing a corporate brochure and getting involved in product design projects in both the aesthetic and mechanical ways. 

This internship, albeit only 2+ weeks into it, has taught me so much and given me so much perspective. The past 2 weeks has undeniably been tough. It was only when i got to deal with real projects that can’t be simply brushed off with a “I can SU this” or “it’s ok, i can just get a B for this”, shit got real. I realised how incompetent and unprepared i was for the real world and there was actually weight in what you do and produce. The mentors and colleagues are super nice and helpful and i really couldnt be any more thankful for them, but how i wish i could produce epic work that would make me more of a value to the company rather than feeling like im wasting people’s time cause they have to guide me so much even though they are bogged down by their heavy projects too. And on that note, design is so difficult. It’s mutli-faceted and so very in depth. Also, each design has to go through so much research, ideation and countless versions of edits. The internship has really changed my perspective of working, design and also it has truly humbled me. 

But this is the life of an intern and this is how you learn. The process will be long and im still caught in the phase of feeling extremely incompetent, but i am so grateful for this internship for it has given me precious lessons about myself, my interests and ambitions.  

Dance

Somehow feeling extremely jaded today after my weekly class. Somehow along the way, and after a brutal S24 rejection, i have got to admit that my interest for dance has fallen. And post work evenings just make nuaing so attractive that ill just trudge off to dinner or home in my clean and fresh dance attire. But sometimes, i question the purpose and the value of this interest. It ain’t a one off hobby, but consistent hardwork and large amounts of time (and even money) has to be invested into this. And at this crossroad now i wonder where it will bring me. Honestly, i have been feeling demoralised about far too long and on days like this, i honestly am questioning my passion. It’s really to either just quit or to go full force and train again. I highly doubt there’s an in between cause i would think that if i were to do it, i would do it to the fullest or to not do it at all.

With that coupled together with my sentiments about work, and things that have been happening lately (minor point: together with my stark lack of exercise and constant feeding), a down and thoughtful night has resulted. I feel like i am a person who puts too much emphasis on comfort and indecisions, that without the right motivations and pull factors, it’s tough to get my ass to move to do things like exercise or dance after a long day of work. Yes, i am a comfort creature and i often hate being out of my comfort zone and by that i mean comfy and nua zone. But i really hope that this will end. Despite it leading to happy, comfortable and slow paced nights, i wonder what kind of unbalance my life has been thrown into. Also, I feel like i have little value, whatsoever, to offer. Jack of few trades (and a tiny jack even), and a master of none. But worst of all, i don’t have the pure talent to actually become a master in them. Do what makes you happy. But how true is that. Happiness vs Discipline vs Over investment in these aspects that might take you no where and bring more disappointment than happiness? Hmmmmm. Sorry just random incoherent thoughts for the late nights. The only way to solve this is to truly push myself and to stay positive. 

But mad props to this guy who really gets me through all my days. Thank you for arming yourself with home cooked eggs, crazy amounts of jokes and many compliments on my bad days and laughing insanely with me on my good ones. Im truly proud of you, my Solidworks master. Haha. 

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Too Blessed to be stressed

Wow way too long since i last blogged. Prolly a one month long hiatus and so much has happened!

JDC 

Prolly one of my highlights this sem, and especially as my first MJ performance. Well MJ has been such a dream and goal for me since last year, and JDC is such a huge milestone. What more to share this journey with these incredibly big hearted dancers and i really made so many friends along the way. Sadly, can’t stay on for a really eventful MJ year with dancetititude and battle due to exchange (OMG IT IS REALLY COMING). Sobbles... To leave only when we just got close. But gosh, so excited for the dance projects and classes and sharings to come in the next 3 months. WEW WEW

*TEAM DANANA*

And i couldnt be more honored to have these 3 dope dancers as our choreographers. From fangirling over them since MJ started to ACTUALLY learning from them all. DOPE. By far one of the nicest pieces ive ever done and thank you danana for teaching us so much more beyond what we need to know in dance, but more on attitude and character. 

*touched by the support :’)

And here’s to the most amazing and most supportive parents ever, who have religiously marked every single dance milestone with me. Thank you for making every day at home so meaningful and blissful. Im really truly at home. :) Blue man group concert and mediterranean food on a sunday with them :) 

And thank you so much to have this man by my side to hunt for food and satisfy my cravings with me, to study with me, dance with me,  go on walks by the river with me, waiting for me to try clothes so can just try and not buy, and for putting up with all my crazy, lame, stressed out and emotional antics. MORE THAN JUST THANKFUL FOR YOU. :) 

AND MAH FWENSSSSS, old new and constant all. :) <3 

Guess who got to catch gentle bones on a chill night at bishan park? Yup concert at the park with my mumsies~

LIFE’S REAL GOOD RIGHT NOW.:) Finals wasnt as torturous as it could have been, though studying for it definitely wasn’t the easiest. 

Really trying to learn to condition myself to commit to decisions and to be less rash. Most of all, to listen to others not with the intent of replying, but solely with the intent of understanding. 

So many take aways from this past month. It was filled with so much joy, but yet it had a fair share of tough times, but look, they are all over. :) 

WE MADE IT :)

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Bethel Music - Wonder (Spontaneous)