stephaniroz-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[stephaniroz-blog1]

"Dream dreams

Then write them.

Aye, but live them first."

Restless and relentless are the top two words I would use to describe my psyche the past few weeks. A maddening, gnawing sensation surrounds my heart and soul knowing I need more and am willing to do anything for the "more" I'm craving. Every taste of wild freedom I've experienced in my life has amplified my need for a more satisfying time, a longer period of isolation to relish in the wonders of the earth and the beauty of connecting. In years past these experiences left me enthralled but terrified of how good I felt - every high and low equated to sin for me. *cue Catholic guilt* Dirty, dirty devilish sin. Ha ha ho ho and hee hee. So, I suffocated my bones under the weight of all I could eat and the words and actions I was too scared to take to achieve these experiences.

Now I've reached a point where the hunger in my soul isn't satisfied by anything unless it's of the high quality sort. I've conquered myself in so many ways this year but this last one IS SO FUCKING HARD.

The fear of being seen is what my next undertaking is. The goal, when I started writing here, was to cover the basics and preparations for my AT thru hike but all of this has got me wondering how to balance the call of adventure with the demands of society --- namely that $$$.

WELL considering how thoroughly I enjoyed the nude modelling I did for the art class - it should come as no surprise I'm seeking to build a Patreon. When I take off for the west in a few weeks for an undetermined amount of time I'm hoping to be let free in a place where I "won't be the strangest one there" and where there are no expectations being held for me. Where I can set up a camera and allow the woman I've been scared to reveal out to play.

I've been squashed down my whole life, most incessantly by my own damn self. And I'm showing up to apologize and make up for lost time. I'm here to spend the rest of my life naked in the mountains, forests, and streams - elevated, grooving to the music, and no longer bound by skin but free in spirit. Taking the dirty sins and turning them into divine pleasures, understanding the natural state of womanhood belongs with the Mother seeking magic, freedom, beauty, truth, and love.

My body like a landscape curves for the courageous, dangerous, and wild but edges like a knife for anything less than. I want to curve for myself, love for myself, live for myself. Creation is in my bones and bodies ability even if I don't wish to use it to make a baby. I gave birth to this life I'm roaming thru now, my choices creating a heaven for myself and those who wish to be with me, see me, know me. I am proud of the others I see doing the same because it is painful and lonely and I recognize the aching and hope in you.

As I freefall down this rabbit hole - I hope to see you there.

[stephaniroz-blog1]

yo.

so, it's been a minute and that's because I've become particularly exclusive in how I'm representing myself. as in I'm choosing to take care of my many variations of vulnerability and choose with care with who(m?) and how I'm sharing them...with. that was such a difficult sentence to type...haha haha. haha. hope it makes sense 👈👈

anyways - just the past few months I've noticed how my decisions to pursue ventures that are genuinely fulfilling and part of my dream for myself have allowed certain people in my life to expand and others to cave in. and it comes in layers - specifically I've seen the very worst of my mom and my dad this year...but in the past two weeks I've received support from my dad, "I know you have to chase your dreams. even if you're alone - I can respect what you're doing," this coming from the same man who took months longer to break up with my ex than I did. then my mom and I have always had a twisted relationship. I've never known or loved the woman I came from, and it's a relationship that's been broken and beat since I can remember. but somehow after writing her a letter of both forgiveness and sincere apology after our most hurtful fight this summer - we are healing and I mean DEEP healing. like all my life I've wanted to sit and talk with someone so like and unlike myself and I've finally found it now that we've both allowed ourselves space to heal. I'm so proud of her and to be a product of her.

the lower the lows, the higher the highs.

thru all of these new layers of healing - I'm digging further into the many potentials of who I could be. I've realised how truly sensitive I am. blame it on my Pisces soul, Catholic guilt, or my empathic heart - it is what it is. I've tried to suppress it but honestly - I feel so free finally choosing the simple life I want. I'm surprised how difficult it is to make time to be simple - well, I guess not. comfort and ease are nice. plus it takes time to do simple things and "who has time for that?"

*time is a concept*

so, I'm making time to make my life exactly what resonates and bless Goddess for allowing me to be so sensitive - I've become great at feeling who and what's good for me and what isn't. I put out all the things I want to receive back because I know that everything resonates. I have high standards because I only give my best to those I receive the best from. mutual experiences...I'm over one-sided anything and everythings.

WHICH IS WHY I'm buckling the fuck up 👌👌👌 and getting down to the bones of who I am, what I'm doing. from the food I eat to how I move in the world - we create our reality. why settle when all you have to do is work to make better or choose better?

today I vocalized my interest in returning to nude modeling but this time for a Patreon or something...one of the artists said about one of her drawings of me "body like a landscape..." which is exactly how I've always viewed the female form. I know I need a man to balance out all the feminine I got going on but my fucking god do I love the way women look and move and the way our bodies create so much fanfuckingtastic magic. there's truly a liberation going on deep in my soul that's expanding throughout my body and it breaks free ever more every day as I put more and more effort into making every moment the most it can be. my whole life I want to be in awe and I am always captivated by the slopes, climbs, and silhouettes of the curves of every mountain top and valley. so, it makes sense to put my own body in the landscape of the great Mother, amirite? pure and free and dancing.

I've talked with one of my friends about doing a shoot and will be slowly but surely figuring out the best methods to pursue it and getting the fuck over my fears. fears ain't shit when I'm only pursuing those very bohemian values of truth, freedom, beauty, and love - our whole lives long.

I'm loving every minute of foolishness.

[stephaniroz-blog1]

114

days til I start the trail. I think on it a lot. and, now, instead of feeling into the anxiety of other peoples worries - I feel like it's more important to my life and growth as a person to transform peoples worries for me into little prayers.

"You're starting in February? What about the cold?"

"First - thank God for whiskey. Second - I'm hoping, wishing, and praying for the resources, endurance, and gumption to withstand any season of weather at any height in the mountains." 👏🙌

the list goes on and it's all very much appreciated. I'm slowly starting to learn the importance of unloading the baggage and worries other people are telling me I should own. the simple fact is tho that we're different. your anxieties about my life aren't mine.

in my life - I sobbed and panicked over death at four when 3 family members all died around the same time, then again at eight when my mom was diagnosed with osteocarcoma. she lost her hair, gained a scar longer than her thigh and her healing is still in the process. death has always been at the forefront of my mind. at eleven I tried to kill myself for the first time but because of my family history - my parents thought I was trying to get high. my dad told me how disappointed he was in me without asking any questions or even seeing if his theory was true. so, not only was death holding space in all my thoughts but so was the overwhelming feeling that I was a disappointment for both surviving the overdose and for having those kinds of thoughts. along came high school and with it - all forms of self-harm, excessive drinking, binge eating. putting no investment into my future because I didn't want one. but I was too scared. of everything. living, dying, breathing too loudly, taking up space, being seen, failing. after high school came some good times but even good times can't heal you when the voice in your head incessantly gnaws at every facet of your being. for my entire life I've been the worst of myself, couldn't commit, wouldn't show up. I tried. I had opportunities but nothing is so warm as the only thought process you know. since February last year I began wanting to lose weight for the wedding (I had just gotten engaged, right?) I quickly realized just how much I'd been hiding behind food as a source of love for myself. without mindlessly consuming my weight and then some - I was forced to face so much of what I'd been fearing my whole life while also subtley flirting with it all. like coming thru and being attracted to the fires at the same time. it was scary. it seemed like everyday I would have a new bruise from beating up a wall in our bedroom cos I couldn't put anything into words. I was so keen on drowning, like images of drowning is all I could see - I literally wouldn't even shower by myself. I resorted to old habits - it was like moving back in time to before I ever had any fears. my old habits first started as the violence outwards and at myself, then during a particular day I nursed a migraine, spent the day throwing up, and really reflected.

who was I before I got so afraid?

before I became this walking talking sack of hatred for the state of the world, myself, and everything else - what helped me live?

I started thinking about all the moments that had given me hope for who I could be or intense joy over the years. they included kayaking in the rain and talking about future goals with kids from Camp Big Silver, feeling lost in the woods only to turn a corner and recognize my favourite tree, being caught in a thunderstorm with friends while kayaking and pulling off on the perfect bank to watch lightning tear across the sky, being surrounded by a toasted family laughing, dirty, and sharing stories of the day with the people around the fire.

what I guess I'm rambling towards here is that - I had no concept of the life to lead because I let fear overtake me. it took literally turning those repeated phrases of fear into phrases of love. towards myself and the rest of the world. all I did that has made the biggest change in me was to rewrite the dialogue to myself. I fell in love with the things that scared me because hiding from them for years had me suicidal. that wasn't working. I had to embrace the fact that although the world may be uncomfortable with it - I am totally embracing all aspects of living, dying, breathing, being seen and heard. instead of seeing emptiness I see how light filters through trees, the sunrise, dancing and laughing kids, curious creatures in the woods.

catching eyes with a student making art from your body, mentally replacing the city buildings with landscapes beneath the multicolored skies, even making space in my day to sit and chill with myself. is all part of my healing. and in my healing I realize I would rather my turmoils in this life include the discomfort of sleeping on the cold, hard ground in the mountains, being completely alone, and uncertain of my next step than what the world wants me to be concerned with.

sorry, y'all, society just isn't my groove.

[stephaniroz-blog1]

Donna Tartt, The Secret History 

[stephaniroz-blog1]

Wow,

so...feelin some type of way this evening. the past couple weeks I've been managing to stay calm and focused with the help of mama green and diving into hz frequencies, white fragility, and barefoot wandering. I keep wanting to face the darkest parts of me and I feel like there's more to come. I keep reaching to experience and release the chasms of my buried emotions, self-limiting beliefs, and so on and so forth. I know the lower the lows, the higher the highs and I know that the most beautiful sights are endured through snow storms and risk of loss of limb. I'm ready for it.

but at the same time I'm SO ready and eager I'm chompin at the bit and getting all pissy because I'm not doing the damn thing yet. trying to drown out the nagging hunger for more of the natural, raw, pure energy and connections I crave with dancing and movement - smoking and laughing - posing nude in front of artists. like sensual as fuck shit while also 👌👌👌 while also digging deeper into some of the harsh truths I've held for my mom in the past. where they came from, how to release and forgive all parties. how to understand that each person is in their own process of being a human. then how to know them in a level I can connect with by listening and feeling their truth rise up. once you know how to love someone in their best way, they begin to heal themselves and that is the MOST beautiful thing.

I'm in constant need of doing and being better in all these ways but I make progress, you know I stumble and will be bruised, embarrassed, and lonely along the way but I'm doing the damn thing, it's all along the same path.

patterns and spirals our whole lives long.

[stephaniroz-blog1]

Finding Old Poetry Pt. 1

I swear - the Mother manifested you Herself; hair wild as the roots still seeking the depth of you. The warmth of you. The breath of you. The honey drips from you, smoother than the sigh of a Sunday summer afternoon. Like the moment I met you - my soul so satisfied.

I've dreamt of the dark amorous shadows of the sea but never could my mind fathom the passion and intrigue that live there til your eyes lingered my way. Lost in a myriad of wonders. Such light already setting fire within a mosaic of the richest hues.

My own home thrills to experience the paradise of yours. So while you move like the river on this mountain, roses caress my face. And when you leave there'll be rain. But God is in the rain, and in you...so with me, you'll be.

[stephaniroz-blog1]

“Run the risk. If it works out, happiness. If not, wisdom.”

— Unknown.  (via craved)

[stephaniroz-blog1]

If you're not exploring life, if you're not looking for yourself, if you're not finding many different things you love, what are you doing?

- Expherience

[stephaniroz-blog1]

this is a pretty recent picture of me having a bomb ass day with my bae for her bday 💃

I'm in a happy place where my hair is first of all DOWN second of all a hot mess. I'm riding a high that keeps getting higher. there's no fucks to give, you know?

it's chill, we're chill, I'm chill.

since then things would be borderline great but I'm confused because I'm experiencing my valleys and peaks differently since last year. I no longer spring towards images of crashing or drowning but I accept that what's happening, what I'm feeling is part of the process. part of the whole.

because I am whole.

in our brokenness we're still shifting towards a new step, another chapter, another overused cliche because it's true. we are. the cracks still meet a new end and are filled with sunlight. rips in clothes let empowering wind thru; your bare skin, even in shadows, will be touched by the stars. scars deepest of all are healed by the most magical, creative, and life-giving blood.

it's whole. we're whole. I'm whole.

and so it goes in every suffering, pleasure, pain, sense, emotion, movement, ya dah dah dah you can think of. if you think in the sense of repeating patterns. in history specifically but also in every one of our own personal lives. ugh. it's straight up spooky. I've been hashing it out all day with myself and have really found specific patterns all thru my life. but not only my life, but thru my moms life too. and, like...I can't get over it.

I want to write it all out, get it all sorted before I really set in stone the changes I'm tryna make. should be fun.

p.l.j.

Steph

[stephaniroz-blog1]

10.09.18

AT 2019

PCT 2020

CDT 2021

claiming it now

[stephaniroz-blog1]

y'all I really did it. stripped down naked in front of strangers and not a single fuck was given.

it was freeing to see myself represented through so many artists expressions. in their work I was able to see myself strong, soft, and with a bodyodyody whose beauty I've always dismissed. a few have already offered me some of their work to keep and DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITED I AM TO HAVE A BUNCH OF NUDE DRAWINGS OF MYSELF?

I AM ONE OF THOSE FRENCH GIRLS.

on the real tho - if you ever doubt the way you look, let an artist show you yourself.

[stephaniroz-blog1]

can't

sleep. unsure why. nah, I have a list of reasons why.

no weed

two cups of coffee, three cups of tea

a voice that keeps screaming to be let out but having no idea what words to use with it

my baby snoring in my ear

so. Tumblr, it is...

tomorrow I'm showing up for my first of three figure drawing classes where you'll find me posed naked in front of a classroom full of artists. maybe that's part of the reason I can't sleep? I feel amazing about my decision to do it, like truly I am so proud that when the opportunity presented itself - I reached for it. for so long I've viewed my body as a stranger. looking in the mirror it would feel like the person I am in my soul was suffocating under pounds of fat. pounds that had accumulated over years of self-hatred, punishment for breaking diets, binge eating myself into painful stomach aches. once I decided it was time to love myself and act accordingly - my world changed. since February 23rd '17 I've lost 100 pounds, a fiance, a home, stability, comfort...but I've gained myself.

I reclaimed myself for myself. holding my own hands I told the world that I was capable of change. and change, I did. then a month ago I realized how my body was still rigid and suffocated. I spent a weekend with a friend and when we danced together she moved so freely, so deliciously - like she owned the space. every curve of her moved so sweet, you'd have thought she was the music. the old Steph would've shut down - having been brought up in a world where women are competition and being made uncomfortable is the Patriarchy's full-time job --- I have never felt free in my body, save for a handful of occasions thru my 24 years of life so far. all I felt tho was an almost urgency to move in the same kinda way and a peace knowing I am able to...just have to do some resets in the good ol' ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

it's a mental/emotional/spiritual thing, I think.

I can change. I've done it already. but that was physical and some of the emotional breaks I had then were terrifying. so, I keep asking myself the same questions over and over.

how do I become brave? how do I face the shadows so I can better understand my hesitation to totally release mind, body, soul into a freedom I've never known on new levels?

honestly, tonight I'm clueless but I'm cooking up the right ideas...for now tho, all I got to do is show up and leave the rest to the universe.

alsobuymoreweed👌

[stephaniroz-blog1]

I have loved lone trees in wide fields my whole life but this particular tree has been a favourite for as long as I can remember. she's heard some of the hardest conversations, held me laughing while a friend and I took photos, and has known for a long time all the shadows I've hid from people. myself included. she's seen me ugly, dizzy, drunk, hopeful, and confused. for the first time today in a long time I stopped by and showed her a woman who not only believes in herself but who trusts, loves, and is moved by the universe as much as she is healed and released from the past. it's a mess. but it's my mess I'm happy to claim.

I'm learning growing wandering wild into this process of self-love and how to extend that love outwards while balancing healthy boundaries. it's a way of life that's being developed every conscious moment in my childcare job to engaging in classes I always wished I could. I'm ready to take up space and allow my body to breathe and move and express.

this page is kind of my starting point?

🍃

[stephaniroz-blog1]

How could you NOT fall in love with the glow of the moon and stars, the warmth of the sun, the ancient life within the trees, and the sweet melodies of the winds?

[stephaniroz-blog1]

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.”

— Jim Morrison

[stephaniroz-blog1]

140

days left til I begin my 25th spin around the sun. and I intend to make it the best dance yet. starting with a dozen donuts, my baby, and a hike to the Springer Mountain summit.

yes ma'am, yes sir.

after falling in love with the smidgen of sights I saw on the first section of the Appalachian Trail - I'm making my way back.

this time my aim isn't to fix the parts of me that weren't fitting into a certain standard of container. it's to let myself free into the life I've been seeking since I was yay high. it's to allow space for the qualities I'm searching for to expand and stretch beyond what I've done before but what I know I'm capable of. it's to wake up soaked in snow and spilt coffee and fall asleep beside a river after roaming all day - stopping only to awe at the ice curling over clumps of mud, the varying ways nature can show off my favourite color, and the sight of 7 hawks circling beneath you while you eat and air out your feet. it's for sleeping next to people who have a thousand reasons different from you to be there, but all you need to get a smile from them is to be there with them.

how fucking cool, dude.

like...my trail magic included connections with friends at home that I never would have thought existed, strangers paying for my food simply cos I spent a few days in the mountains, but the most rewarding and the longest lasting magic of all...without a doubt has been the slow, steady rhythm of growth my life's been making.

because in this part of my process - I am worth it. I'm worth pursuing the things that create electricity in my heart. I am able. our bodies are the keys to create a way for what our minds have always been draw to to become a reality around us. I'm making moves to make my reality nature. nature for all my senses to be blessed by. full send ✌