stephfights

[stephfights]

Bye bye cancer (and boobs)

I know it has been many weeks since I have blogged.  I had my surgery and could not type for a while.  I was tired and weak.  And I just wasn’t ready to relive it yet.  But here goes.

August 21 I had to be at the hospital at 9 am for my 12:30 surgery.  Long story short my surgery was bumped to 3:30.  Let me tell you that is a long time when you are thirsty!  All the pre op stuff went off without a hitch.  Apparently they gave me some coo coo medicine before they took me to the operating room and per my husband I left out of the holding area singing “for she’s a jolly good fellow”  Although there is no video of this...therefore I am calling it the “alleged singing incident”  Surgery took about 5 1/2 hours.  They tried to do a nerve block for pain management but of course my body would not accept the block.  I have no recollection of being in recovery although they said I woke up vomiting.  I remember waking up after midnight and Chris telling me I was in a room and that my lymph nodes were negative for cancer.  Apparently the coo coo meds were still in my system.  I had a male nurse and Chris said I told him he looked like Vin Diesel and that I liked bald men.  Then he reached over my bed to adjust my IV and I told him to quit flirting with me that I was a married woman.  Again...there is no video evidence of this so I am calling it the “alleged male nurse incident”

I got to come home the next morning.  That was a long ride from Nashville.  Chris was trying so hard not to hit any bumps but I65 is so bad.  It sucked.  We made it and I was so glad to be home.  But of course...here comes the shitshow!  I was sent home with pain meds and a medicine for nerve pain.  But it wasn’t enough.  I was hurting so bad by Saturday night.  I could not get any relief.....even though I was taking the meds as directed.  I called the on call doctor on Sunday and he told me to double the meds and to see my doctor on Tuesday.  That worked.  I finally got some relief.  But of course I had to go all the way back to Nashville on Tuesday (4 days post op) because you can’t get narcotics called in.  You have to be seen by your doctor to get a written prescription.  I’d like to thank all of the crackheads for screwing that up for the rest of us!

Now....let me talk about the worst of it all....the drains.  Omg the drains.  I swear they were made by Satan himself.  I had 3 drains.  2 in my left side and 1 in my right.  They were stitched in my side about 6 inches under my armpits.  They were about as big around as a straw with a bulb attached to the end of each one.  They had to be stripped twice a day and the stuff in it had to be measured.  To strip them someone had to hold it tight at the top of the tube and pull down with the other hand to essentially pull it all out and clear the tubes.  It is the most painful thing I have ever had to go through.  Chris did it a couple of times but then my mom took over.  It was so hard on her to do it and watch me sit and cry...knowing that she was hurting me.  But it had to be done...and we did it.  I almost passed out a couple of times and of course I had one tube that kept getting stopped up....that is SO painful I don’t even know how to describe it to you.  It makes my stomach turn just sitting here typing about it.  I had the drains in for 12 days.  The doctor didn’t really want to take them out that early but I couldn’t take it anymore.  So she took them out and I can’t tell you the feeling of relief I had.  Luckily I had no problems after they were removed.

Exactly 7 days after my mastectomy my doctor called me after office hours because she had just gotten my pathology report and wanted me to know that I was officially 100% cancer FREE!  She got it all!  I was relieved!  This is what I have been waiting for months to hear.  This is what I have been going through all of this hell for.  I had done it.

I am 6 weeks post op now and I am doing pretty good.  It is still sore in some spots and numb in others.  My nerves are trying to regenerate and that hurts me sometimes.  Trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in is a bitch.  I have a 3 inch section in my left incision that didn’t want to heal but it seems like it is starting to get a little better everyday. I can’t lift anything or drive.  So I am still 100% dependent on everyone else.  It’s rough sometimes but I am just thankful I have people who are willing to help.  I have met some people who have no one and I can not imagine what that would be like.  My mom stayed with me for 3 weeks.  I don’t think I would have made it through without her.  Chris and Clayton were also here...checking one me and loving on me.  I am so fortunate and do not take it for granted.

I have been going to physical therapy.  That’s fun....I thought she had killed me after the first visit.  But she is so nice and is working really hard to get my range of motion back on the left side.  But of course.....when I went this past Thursday she measured my arms and my left arm was 7% bigger than it was the week before.  I am officially in stage 1 lymphedema.  We knew it was a possibility with the amount of lymph nodes that were removed during my surgery but I was sure hoping I could avoid it.  So I had to go and get fitted for a custom compression sleeve.  It should be here within 2 weeks.  It’s like I have said so many times....all of the treatment and surgery I have done may have gotten rid of the cancer....but what price will my body pay for it.  I keep telling myself this is a small price to pay for being cancer free.  I hope I am right.

I’m sure I have forgotten things to include in this post.   I have 3 treatments left and then the removal of the port and I will be hopefully be done with this journey (or nightmare)  So here we are rounding third....but I can’t get rid of this nagging feeling and waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to say.  But as of right now I had done what I said I would do.  I kicked cancer’s ass!

Love to all,

Steph

[stephfights]

Looking for my big girl panties

It’s been a while since I blogged.  Too long really.  But I have been in and out of depression, anger, sadness....pretty much any bad feeling.  It’s been a weird summer.  But I’m back and ready to finish the middle of this race so I can get to the end and be done with all this cancer mess!  Buckle up y’all...this is going to be a long blog!

I had a small hiccup on June 30th.  I was sitting watching tv when I got a horrible pain in my bottom right jaw.  It quickly moved down the right side of my neck and into the right side of my chest.  Then it would go away.  Then it would start all over again.  I called Chris to come to me and he was as baffled as I was as to what it could be.  But it wasn’t getting any better.  We finally decided we better call for an ambulance to come check me out.  Of course with me being a cancer patient they were very attentive.  Well...the ambulance people were....but a couple of the first responders were useless.  They didn’t do anything.  Chris was severely pissed.  The paramedic took my blood pressure and it was 180/100.  They wanted to take me to Vandy.  I didn’t really want to go with all this covid mess but the chemo I take can affect your heart so I decided to give in and go.  They wanted to start an IV in route and I told them I had a port and they could just access it.  But the paramedic said that Sumner County would not provide them with the equipment to access a port.  Thanks a lot Sumner County!  He said we could wait until we got to the hospital and they could access it.  When I got to Vandy 3 doctors were waiting for me and they put me in a room by myself to isolate me from anyone else.  They started running EKG’s and ordering other tests.  But of course...when I go to do something medical it is usually a shitshow....and this time was no different.  My nurse was a guy named Cody.  I looked like I could be his mother.  He started out sort of nice I guess.  He was pissed off because I did not have an IV in.  i told him that I had a port and he could access it and he looked at me like I had 2 heads (red flag #1)  So he huffs off to go find the kit to access it but stops at the door and asks me if I know what size needle they usually use (red flag #2)  I tell him 1/2 inch.  He drags back in and tells me the only size they have is 3/4 inch...yippee.  He opens the kit and starts getting all of the stuff out, wiping my whole chest down with alcohol and feeling around for my port.  Luckily my port is right under the skin.  It has 3 raised dots on it and you stick the needle in the middle of those dots.  He is rubbing and pushing and feeling with this intense look on his face.  So I casually ask “You have done this before, right?”  And he says “Of course!”  Okay, cool.  So I am sitting there looking to the left so I don’t breathe on my sterile chest and I wait and I wait and I wait...nothing.  So I sneak a peak to my right and I shit you not this KID has got the directions out of the kit and reading them. (red flag #3)  Why would he have to read the directions if he has done this before?  I mean has he only done it once before when he was in school or what?  I ask “everything okay?”  And he says “Yes, these are new kits and they are different from the old ones so I want to make sure I have this right.”  Uh..,,yeah!  So he finally gets all his ducks in a row and asks me if I’m ready.  Dude...I’ve been ready for 30 minutes!  Let’s go!  Bam he inserts the needle and I immediately know something is wrong because it has never hurt that bad.  He missed.  He freaking missed the whole port!  He has put this 3/4 inch needle into my chest.  I open my mouth to tell him to stop and he starts twisting it thinking he can maneuver it enough to get it into the port.  Y’all....I aint gonna lie.  I didn’t know whether to pass out, cry or punch him in the face.  He finally pulls it out...of course blood starts running so he slaps his hand on my chest and throws the needle onto the tray which causes blood to splatter on the counter and the wall.  He’s looking at me and I’m looking at him.  He says “I missed.”  Well no shit Sherlock...ya think?  He gets the bleeding to stop and leaves the room.  I sit there and plot his death and he comes back in with another kit.  I grab ahold of his wrist and tell him that he has one more shot at this or I am putting it in myself.  He looked terrified and just shook his head yes.  On the second try he got out an ink pen and marked the center of the port and got it right in with no problems.  What did I tell ya...shitshow.  I should have been more aware of the red flags.  Trying to make a long story short they did multiple EKG’s, chest xrays, CT scan and ultrasound.  Everything came back fine.  They think maybe the port shifted and caused the pain.  So after 13 hours in the ER (by myself because no one could be with me) Chris brought me home. 

We did get to go camping 3 times this summer....finally!  And we had so much fun!  It was the only thing outside of the house that I could do.  We fished, talked, sang, ate junk food, played games and just hung out.  It has been wonderful!

I saw my surgeon, Dr. Mary Hooks, on July 7th.  We finally got my surgery scheduled for August 21.  I am nervous but I am trying to find my big girl panties to put on so I can get thru this.  I think I am down to my last pair.   As of right now Chris can go with me but he will have to drop me off at surgery that morning and wont see me until that night when I get in my room.  Surgery will be a minimum of 4-5 hours.  I will blog more details about that later on. 

I had treatment #6 (out of 11) this week.  My awesome infusion nurse (seriously, I love her)  had a little trouble with my port....she says it has moved.  So that explained everything that happened to me the day I went to the hospital.   And of course....I had a reaction to my treatment.  I once again had to be pumped with emergency meds.  But I’m okay.  It has made the last couple of days hell but I am hoping for a better tomorrow.  The steroid jacks me up and the benadryl wears me down.  So it is like my body is constantly fighting with itself.  It definitely screws with your mind!

So that is my update as of now.  I am still in menopause hell but no one wants to hear about that today.   I will lay out all of the surgery details within the next 2 weeks.  I am so thankful for all of you that have called, sent cards, texts, etc.  It means so much to me.  I miss everyone!  I know I still have a few more months of quarantine but man when this is over I am going to paint the town red.  Or maybe just light pink.  (wink wink)

Love to all,

Steph

[stephfights]

Realty is much harder than you think it is

I sat down last week and was typing up a new blog.  I was just about finished when my computer crashed and I lost everything I had typed.  No big deal right?  It is when you are on chemo.  All of the poison that I have put in my body has effected my brain.  I can’t remember things.  I can be talking and in the middle of the sentence forget what I was talking about.  I forget words....I know what they are and I can describe it.....but I can’t say it.  I tell the same stories over and over again.  My poor husband has to hear the same things constantly.  Sometimes he tells me that I already told him something....and sometimes he just lets it go.  I’m not sure what hurts most.  So I can’t remember what I had typed up.  It makes me SO angry!  I talked to my doctor about it and she called it “chemo brain”  It is very common with chemo, especially the kind I am doing.  I will definitely have it while I am going thru my treatments, but could last for months afterwards....and even forever.  I could be like this forever.  It scares me.  I wonder if I will be able to go back to work after all of this is over.  I worry that I will forget something really important or miss something with Clayton all because I can’t remember. 

I sometimes wonder if all of the things I am doing to my body are worth it.  I have no guarantee I will survive this.  What if I am doing all of this for nothing?   I have not only put myself thru this but my family has had to sit and watch me got thru it.  It is not fair. 

When I have my mastectomy they will be doing a sentinel node biopsy to see if I have cancer in my lymph nodes.  If I do then that is not good for me.  I will have to do radiation, possibly even more chemo and the likelihood that it has spread to other parts of my body increase drastically.  Then what?  I will have yet another decision to make and I am tired of making decisions.  In fact I am just plain tired.  I hear all the time “oh I know you must be tired”  “you look great, my (insert name) looked terrible when they had cancer”  Y’all don’t play with me.  I know I look like hell.  I am swollen and have gained almost 20 lbs since December due to the treatments.  I am going thru menopause at 39 years old.  And I am TIRED! 

So...with that being said I am going to sign off for today and go have a pity party with my husband.  I probably wont remember it tomorrow anyway.

Love to all,

Steph

[stephfights]

Still waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

Hello all!  I hope everyone is doing well.  As I guess you can tell from the heading...I am still waiting on my mastectomy.  I did see my chemo Dr. this week and I am stable and holding, which is good.  I am still on track to see the surgeon on July 7th to see if we can schedule my surgery yet.  So I am just trucking along.  Of course if we have another surge of Covid then I will be delayed even longer.

I had light chemo #3 this week.  It went off without a hitch.  But it hit me hard afterwards.  They have to give me lot of pre-meds before the infusion and one of them is a massive dose of steroids.  My body did not like the steroids this time and I was off the hook!  I was up for 28 hours straight.  I was tired, hungry, hot and pissed off.  It was terrible.  I am 3 days post treatment today and I am still tired but I do feel better.

Of course my enemy, menopause, is still in full swing and it is awful!  I think if I was just going thru menopause and not all the other stuff too I would be okay.  But when you put cancer, chemo, quarantine and menopause together you get a big ole pile of crazy!  I get mad for no reason, the hot flashes are insane, apparently my “chemo brain” has ramped up and I can’t remember things I do or say.  I am told I repeat things all the time.  It makes me feel so stupid, but Chris just laughs and says “babe, you already told me that”  I would not be able to go through this without him.

We have campground reservations on June 4th.  Hopefully the parks will be opened up and we can go.  I can definitely social distance sitting by a creek!  And no, we are not tent camping.  Ya girl needs a toilet and air conditioning.  If that makes me high maintenance then so be it! 

I hope you are all hanging in there and staying healthy.

Much love,

Steph 

[stephfights]

It’s the end of the world.....as we know it.

Okay okay....worst blogger ever right here!  I did not realize that it had been so long since my last post.  It’s not like I don’t have a lot of free time on my hands!  Sorry y’all.  I will do better!

Anyway, I have had 2 treatments of the light chemo and it is SO much easier on me than the hard chemo.  I have a headache when I get up in the mornings for the first three days and the first day after treatment I feel pretty rough.  But NO diarrhea!  Whoo hoo!  Y’all just don’t know how happy that makes me!  And my taste is coming back!  There are still some things I can’t eat but it is slowly coming back.  That makes me happy too!

My mastectomy is still up in the air.  I see the surgeon again on July 7th to discuss where we are and how bad the Covid is at that time.  Both of my doctors assure me that I am fine to wait.  It does still kind of worry me though.  I see my chemo doctor on May 26th to make sure the Stage 2 mass is not growing back. 

Now for the crazy because ya know ya girl always has some crazy going on!  So when I was first diagnosed and before I started chemo the Dr. asked me if I wanted to freeze my eggs since the treatment could affect my reproductive system.  Of course my (and Chris) answer was a big hell naw!  I’m knocking on 40, my son is 13 and I could not imaging starting over again.  We only ever wanted one child anyway.  So that was not even a concern to us.  Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago.  I started randomly getting hot.  And I mean HOT!  Like on fire!  The top of my head and the palm of my hands turn red and I feel like I am dying!  Then I started itching.  Now I can’t sleep.  I have always had insomnia but this is really bad.  I see 4 or 5 in the morning sometimes.  I called the Dr. because I thought maybe I was having a reaction to the light chemo.  Nope...that’s not it!  The hard chemo has obviously killed my ovaries....and I am in menopause.  That’s right folks....I’m 39 years old and in full fledged menopause!  W. T. F.  I mean of course I knew I would do this eventually but I thought I had at least 10-15 years left.  And not to worry my girlfriends but this sucks!  Not only am I in menopause but they do not know if it will be permanent.  I could do this for months, or even years, and then my ovaries kick start again.  If this is not a bunch of BS I don’t know what is!  Chris is absolutely thrilled (insert sarcasm) to be going thru this with me.  Especially since we are in quarantine hell!

Speaking of quarantine....we are on day...I think 1500.  Who knows any more.  We still love each other, most of the time.  And we enjoy all of the family time we are having, most of the time.  But if people don’t start freaking doing what they are suppose to be doing I am going to lose my shit!  This is never going to get better if we don’t follow the rules!  Flatten the dang curve people!  My Kroger peeps tell me that there is still a major problem with hoarding.  Meat and paper products are still being limited because people are losing their minds.  I do not understand it!  Why?  Follow the rules!!!

I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe and healthy.  I miss seeing my friends and family but I am learning to navigate video chat pretty well.  Remember to follow the rules, social distance, 6 feet...all that stuff.

And if you see me out in my front yard singing “this girl is on fire”  mind ya business...I’m having a hot flash!

Love to all,

Steph

[stephfights]

FAQ round 2

Hi everybody!  I hope you and yours and staying healthy and safe.  This sure is a crazy time we are living in.  I thought it was time to answer a few questions I have gotten.  If you have a question for me please don’t be afraid to ask. 

*Have you quit smoking?    Yes I have!  The last cigarette I smoked was December 10, 2019.  And let me tell you it sucks!  I still crave it.  I have caught myself going out the door to smoke...because I forgot I had quit.  Before all of the virus mess I came out of Hobby Lobby and there was a guy outside smoking and I almost ripped his head off so I could take his cigarette.  I don’t know how long it will take for the need to pass but I sure hope it is soon. 

*How do you feel about the Covid 19 pandemic?   I think it is horrible.  It breaks my heart to see how this is affecting people all across the world.  It is definitely a terrible time to have cancer!  I am scared that I will get it and it will kill me and I would have done all of this treatment for nothing.  I am scared Chris or Clayton will get it.  Clayton does not understand how serious it is.  Chris and I struggle to explain it to him....without scaring him to death.  I worry about my Mom who still has to go to work because she is “essential”  

*How is quarantine going?  Y’all I have been under some type of quarantine since my first chemo treatment in December.  It sucks.  I don’t think it was as bad when the weather was cold and I couldn’t really go out anyway.  It is definitely worse now that the weather is nice.  Also I usually got to go out 2 or 3 days the week before my next treatment.  Now I can’t even do that.  Chris is working from home and Clayton is out of school so we are on top on each other 24/7.  Yes, we are getting on each others nerves.  Yes, we are bored out of our minds.  Yes, I want some peace and quiet and frequently walk around the house singing “All By Myself”   But we are safe, we are healthy and for the most part we are happy.  We have food to eat and a roof over our head.  We sit outside in our backyard and talk to the neighbors over the fence at a safe distance.  We are alive....and no matter what....life is good.

*Are you worried that the Stage 2 mass will come back since you have to wait for months to have your mastectomy?  Yes, I do worry about that.  But there is nothing I can do.  My doctors assure me that I am doing well and a few months will not matter as long as I keep doing the light chemo and staying quarantined.  I trust my doctors and hope my body cooperates and keeps doing what is should be doing.

*Do you miss Kroger?  YES!  I miss all of my co workers and customers!  I feel so guilty that I can’t be there with them on the front lines fighting thru this mess.  But I am SO proud of them and they know I am there in spirit! 

*How are you going to celebrate after all of the treatment/surgery is over and you are cancer free?   The first thing I am going to do is breathe.  I don’t think I have taken a good deep breath since I was diagnosed.  Then I am going to party it up!  My family wants to throw me a huge party and who am I to stop them?!  Lol!  It is going to be huge and I can’t wait to be able to hug and thank everyone that has been here for me through all of this.  It is going to be epic! 

I hope you all stay safe and healthy and stay quarantined.  I know some of you have to work, like my Mom, and I feel so bad for y’all.  Take care, hug your babies and family tight.  Hopefully we will all be able to go back to normal soon!

Love to all!

Steph

[stephfights]

I love you Steph!!! -Nickie

I love you too!!!!

[stephfights]

I think I’m going to change my name to badass cancer-kllin’ warrior woman!  What do you think? 

[stephfights]

Chemo #6....and drop the mic

Holy crap what a whirlwind few days it has been.  As most of you know I went yesterday for my follow up mammogram, ultrasound and echo.  I had these test done at the end of November when I was first diagnosed and before we started the chemo.  I went today to get those results from my oncology surgeon, Dr. Mary Hooks.  I have not seen her since December when she put the port in.  So....here is what we learned today....

As I said before I have 2 types of breast cancer.  Stage 3 non invasive ductal carcinoma and Stage 2 invasive mammary carcinoma.  The Stage 2 cancer was the major concern when I was first diagnosed because it was super aggressive and they were afraid it would spread.  All of the chemo I have been doing has been targeting the mammary cancer.  As of today....comparing my original ultrasound to my new ultrasound...drum roll please....you can barely see something!  They put a tiny clip in my breast in November to mark the middle of the tumor.  Now all you can see if a tiny spot around that clip.  She said it is possibly just scar tissue.  So it is either completely gone or it is so tiny that you cannot even feel it or see it anymore.  This is GREAT news!  It means all of the chemo I have done has worked.  My body took it and did exactly what it is suppose to do!  Whoo hoo!!!

Now....back to the Stage 3 cancer that is in the breast ducts.  It is still there.  It has not changed.  There is no chemo that is really effective for that certain type of cancer.  It is approximately 3 inches long so it is very large.  So the only way to get rid of it is to take it out.  The Dr did say if I wanted to try to do a partial mastectomy and see if it would work I could.  But I said no!  I’m sorry.  I like my boobs but I LOVE my life!  I don’t want to gamble that it might or might not work.  I am choosing to do the full mastectomy.....on both breast.  Yes...I want her to take them both.  I don’t want any chance that the the right side could start acting like a bitch and decide to get cancer!  Nope!  No thank you!  Take them both.  My doctor was okay with that decision.  I also choose to not have the reconstruction.  She was also okay with that decision.

Here’s where the hard part comes in.  Due to the damn corona virus my surgery has to be delayed.  My Dr thinks it is way to dangerous for me to be at the hospital right now.  I agree.  Also the right breast is considered “non essential” surgery since there is technically nothing wrong with it.  They are not doing any non essential surgeries right now.  So I would be out on that anyway.  So....here’s the plan.  I still have 33 more weeks (every 3 weeks for a total of 11 treatments) of “clean up” chemo.  I will just be doing the light chemo that targets the HER2+ (the receptor that feeds it) cancer.  I will continue to do this as scheduled.  It is mild and has very little side effects.  I will see the surgeon again in 2 months and we will reevaluate where the world is with this virus and see if it is time to proceed with the surgery.  She said she may push it back 4-5 months.  That would put me having surgery around August/September.  Either way I will be watched very close to make sure I am still on the right track. 

I can’t believe that I made it to round 6.  I actually did it!  I know I have 2 rough weeks ahead of me as my body processes the poison and then has to get rid of it.  But y’all, I made it!!!   I am so excited....although not very excited for what I know is coming in the next few days.  I just can’t believe it! 

There are so many people I need to thank and I know I am going to miss somebody so please don’t be offended if I do.  My husband...omg I don’t know what I did to deserve you.  You are my rock and the love of my life.  Thank you for standing by me thru this.  My son.....you are my sweet baby boy and I love you so much.  I know this has been hard but I am so proud of you!  My Dad...you moved in with us no questions asked to become my caregiver.  I know we have a long way to go but I could not have come this far without you.  You are my hope, my light and my strength.  My Mom...I know it has been rough on you because you had to work and Dad was here with me but you have done so many things for me.  You are my fight, my advocate and my ride or die.  My brother Jason....you were one of the first people I personally talked to after I was diagnosed.  I know it has not been easy being so far away but I always knew you would be here within hours if I needed you.  You were the person who rationalized all of my options with me and helped me make the decision to go ahead with treatment.  Time will tell but you may have saved my life.  I don’t know what I would do without you.  You are my rational thinking, my confidant and my voice when I can’t speak.  My best friend Amber....we have been thru so much over the years.  Who would have thought I would take the trophy for worst issue!  Lol!  Your children are my children and have brought so much joy into my life.  You are my sister, my keeper of secrets and my best friend.  I love you so much.  Last but not least to my Kroger peeps....Lisa, Chelsea, Lexi, Tay Tay, Shelby, Diane, Maddi, Hunter, Tyler, Heather, Dottie, Missy, Hayley, Meredith, and Neely just to name a few.....you know how much I love y’all.  I cannot count the phone calls, texts, visits, pictures and gifts I have received.  I miss each and every one of you so much.  I cannot wait for this virus to go away so I can come and visit with everybody.  You all hold a special place in my heart and always will. 

So there it is.  That is where I am as of today.  I will be drugged the next 3 days and then the diarrhea will start so you all will get to deal with my bitching again but hey hopefully this is the last time!  Silver lining people! 

Love to all,

Steph

[stephfights]

#5 is in the books....and isn’t quarantine fun?!

Me oh my...what a crazy few weeks it has been!  I did get to go on March 3rd and have my 5th chemo treatment.  And it whooped my butt!  I have never been so tired in all my life!  I slept for days and days.  And this one was by far the worst for my taste buds!  I either couldn’t taste it or it tasted horrible.  And that is rough on a fat girl!  And of course....here comes diarrhea.  I have been able to manage it with the medicine this time though.  But I can tell all of this is really taking a toll on my body.

March 11th was my 39th birthday.  I honestly didn’t know if I would make it to see 39.  Some days I thought there was no way....but other days I thought I couldn’t wait to be 80 years old.  It is weird.  Now my goal is to make it to 40.  Most people dread turning the big 4-0 but not me!  It’s hard living day to day not knowing when you will take your last breath.   But that is how I live now.  One day at a time. 

My parents came down to see me.  Ironically that was the same day that Chris got the call that he would be working from home until further notice.  We had a nice dinner and they got me a cake.  Although...I couldn’t taste any of it.  I felt pretty terrible that day but I never told anyone.  I didn’t want to be a downer. 

We were suppose to leave on March 16 for Gatlinburg to celebrate Clayton’s 13th birthday.  We knew what a big event this was for him and that is what he wanted to do.  Luckily his birthday and Spring Break fell on my “good” week so we made reservations a couple of months ago.  Then here came Covid 19 storming in busting up everybody’s fun!  Before all the major craziness even really started we knew that I couldn’t be out in public with the general population due to my compromised immune system.  So Chris and I made the decision to cancel our trip.  And telling Clayton was terrible.  He teared up and didn’t understand.  He thinks all this “virus stuff” is a joke.  Turns out it was a good thing that we cancelled since we are now social distancing. 

My parents came down on the 16th for Clayton’s birthday.  I can’t believe my baby boy is 13.  Although he does have the attitude and the mouth of a teenager.  I don’t know where he gets it from.  Must be his Daddy.  We ate and played card games.  It was fun.   But it wasn’t Gatlinburg.  I know he was sad.  I was sad for him.  I asked on FB for people to send him birthday cards and so so many did.  That made him happy!  What kid doesn’t like to get mail?  Thank you so much to everyone that sent something.  It meant so much to him, and to Chris and I.  

Chris is still working from home and Clayton is out of school until at least April 1st.  I have not been out of the house since my last chemo on the 3rd.  Clayton has not been out since he came home from school on the 13th.  Chris has only been out a couple of times for groceries and supplies.  While I’m on that topic let me get on my soapbox for a minute.  I want to thank all of the assholes who have bought up all the toilet paper.  I know it is a luxury but as someone who has chronic diarrhea it is something that I truly like to have.  Thankfully we have a few rolls left but I don’t know what I am going to do if we run out.  Second....to all the douchebags who have bought up all the meat....especially hamburger meat....I hope you get a little bit of food poisoning and have no toilet paper!  My son has been asking for cheeseburgers.  Chris found the buns and all the fixings....but it’s kind of hard to have a cheeseburger with no meat!  I just need hamburger dammit!  I really don’t think that is to much to ask!  I’m getting off my soapbox now.  But isn’t quarantine fun?  I’ve been on some type of quarantine since the first of December and y’all are losing your mind over a few weeks!  Suck it up!  It could always be worse!  Trust me...I know.

I am nearing the end of my first stint of chemo.  I am scheduled for a mammogram, ultrasound and echocardiogram on the 23rd.  I am scheduled for my last round of chemo for this cycle on the 24th.  I also have an appointment with my breast surgeon on the 24th to get the results of all of the testing and see if I am ready for my mastectomy.  I got 2 messages today from both of my doctors.  As of right now my appointments are still a go.  I will call when I arrive at the office and wait in the car until they call me and let me know that they are ready for me.  They are checking temps and listening to your lungs as you go in.  I think that is great!  They are going to let me know for sure this Friday exactly what I need to do.  We are not sure that Chris will be able to go with me this time.  I may have to put my even bigger big girl panties on and do it by myself.  Time will tell.

I will try to update after I meet with my doctors to let everyone know where I am and what my surgical plan will be.  I am expecting this last chemo to put me at deaths door since they have gotten worse and worse with each treatment.  But I will make it.  I have to.  I’m Stephanie.  And I’m a badass! 

Love to all,

Steph

[stephfights]

Chemo thought it had me....but I proved it wrong!

Well as I’m sure most of you are aware it has been one hell of a ride since the 4th round of chemo.  Let me go back and see if I can explain what happened.

On Sunday the 16th (five days after chemo) my good friend diarrhea came back with a vengeance.  I started taking my meds as prescribed and by Monday night it was still not letting up.  I got up Tuesday morning and knew I was getting dehydrated.  I was so weak.  I had no spit in my mouth.  It was horrible.  So I called the Dr. and they told me to head on down to Nashville to see them and get fluids.   I received 2 liters of fluid, some IV Zofran and went home.  They told me if it got bad again to call.  Of course it stayed bad and Thursday morning I got up in worse shape then I was previously.  I called and once again went to Nashville.  They gave me 2 more liters of fluid and more Zofran.  I literally had uncontrollable diarrhea.  If you have never experienced it then I pray you never do!!!  They went ahead and scheduled me for more fluid on Friday.  Chris and I decided to get a hotel in Nashville because there was no way I was going to make that drive home.  I was literally up all night.  Friday morning while I was laying on the hotel floor I begged Chris to get me some help and not to let them let me die.  He promised.  We were at the Dr at 7 am on Friday morning.  They came in looked at me and said they were going to give me the fluids but I had to be admitted to the hospital.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital but I knew there was no choice.  The Dr also said that they thought all of this was caused by one certain type of chemo and they were going to stop giving it to me.  It makes me sad because I wanted to get all of the meds that I could to get better.  I felt defeated.

I got my hospital room late Friday afternoon.  It was a tiny little room but hey...that just meant it was closer for me to run to the bathroom!  They started some different meds, one of which was a liquid opiod, and told me they would be checking in with me all night.  And they didn’t lie.  There is no rest in the hospital!  Of course the medicine made me sick so on top of the diarrhea I started puking.  Saturday came and I was still going.  They stopped the opiod and wanted to try some sort of injection.  I can’t remember the name of it.  It had to be done in my stomach and I got a shot every 6 hours.  And if you know me you know I hate needles.  And this particular shot hurt like HELL!  After you get it literally feels like you are on fire for the next 15 minutes.  I laid in the fetal position while Chris wiped me down with a wash rag.  But they did work....a little.Sunday was more of the same.  Monday they decided to stop the injections and try something else.  They started me on Oxycodone.  I know what you are thinking and I thought the same thing.  But at that point I was willing to try anything.  They also started Zofran and Immodium every 2 hours and Lomotil every 4 hours.  And it worked!  I started slowing down!  It was a freaking miracle!  You just don’t know how it feels when you think you might just die from diarrhea.  Tuesday morning they came in and said they were stopping the Oxy.  They would not let me go home while I was taking it.  We left all the meds the same.  And I still continued to slow down.  So late Tuesday afternoon they asked me what I wanted to do and I said “Bye Felicia”, looked at Chris and said lets blow this joint!

I have to say.  It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life.  Having my port accessed for days and trying to lay down with all of the IV tubes going into my chest sucked!  It was so sore and every time I made a run to the bathroom I had to make sure I grabbed all of the tubing and not catch it on anything and pull it out.  Of course my wonderful hubby was right by my side to help me.  He stayed with me the whole time.  Getting me snacks, rubbing my back, wiping me with a rag, trying to keep my spirits up and keeping me company.  We played a game at every meal to see if we could guess what horrible food would be on my tray.  That kept us entertained!  We also made friends with my nurses and had a good time chatting with them.  They all wanted to be in our room hanging out.  Lol   Dad and Mom took care of Clayton and brought him to see me.  Even though I don’t think he was a big fan of the hospital.  I made Mom promise me that if I died no one would know it was from diarrhea!  I told her to tell everyone I went out in a blaze of glory while saving 20 people!  She promised she would.  That’s why she is my ride or die! 

As of today (Wed) I am doing well.  I feel so much better and it is awesome to be at home in my own bed!  I am so thankful that my Drs. never gave up and kept pushing until they found the right combination of meds that worked with my body.  I hope that my body will withstand the remaining 3 types of chemo.  I only have 2 more rounds left until surgery.  Come on body...don’t fail me now! 

As of right now I am scheduled for chemo #5 on March 3.  If I stay doing well then I have the go ahead to do it.  If I get sick again they are going to delay it.  I really don’t want to do that.  I am ready to get this over with.

Thank you to everyone for the calls, texts, messages, cards, etc.  I have received a few gifts this week that were anonymous.  I hope you read my blog and I hope you know how thankful I am.

Love to all,

Steph 

[stephfights]

Round 4....good news and bad news.

Well I made it past round 4.  And it sucked!  After round 3 I had the yeast rash on my legs.  Then a week later I had thrush.  Yep..usually only babies and older people get thrush.  But so do chemo patients.  And it is nasty!  So I had to make another trip to the urgent clinic to get meds and pray I didn’t catch anything while there.  Luckily I came out unscathed.

The last week before round #4 was a pretty good week.  I felt better.  I got to have lunch with my bestie, Amber. Chris and I went on a double date with some of our other bff’s, the Pike’s.  I almost felt normal.  I almost forgot I have cancer.  Almost.

Just when you start feeling good about yourself here comes chemo slapping you in the face.  I had my blood work done and waited to see the doctor.  Of course my magnesium was low so I would have to have some of that before chemo.  But when she measured my invasive tumor she had trouble finding it.  It has shrunk again.  It is now at 2 cm.  The doctor was so excited which made me excited!  The treatment is still working.  And it is working great!  But...there always seems to be a dark shadow that looms behind any good news I get.  The bloodwork for my liver levels was not good.  The chemo is attacking my liver.  The doctor said not to worry that we are going to keep a close eye on it and for me not to panic yet.  We knew that the chemo would not only kill the cancer but other parts of my body could be in jeopardy as well.  But I kind of need my liver!  It’s easy for people to tell me to not worry but I am worried.  I made the choice to poison my body....and now I am paying for it.  The only question is how high is the price going to be?

We kicked off round 4 with oral pre meds instead of the liquid that I had received for round 3.  Myself, Chris and my nurses were all ticked off about it but we had to do what the doctor said.  She was hoping there would be no reaction.  So here we go with bag #1.  It went off without a hitch.  Bag #2 and boom....I can’t breathe.  I look at Chris and tell him I can’t catch my breath.  He runs to get my nurse and then the chaos and yelling commences.  An Inhaler is shoved in my mouth, chemo is stopped and syringes of emergency meds are pushed thru the IV.  My blood pressure is 113/60.  And I am incredibly pale.  I can see Chris out of the corner of my eye and he is pale and looks shocked.  I hope I never have to see that look again.  Once I am stabilized we take a 45 minute break before starting again.  The NP comes over and says he has to talk to the doctor to see if she wants to continue for the day.  And I tell him that we are continuing.  There is no questioning it.  I am getting this medicine and that’s that!   And I am fine.  We finished out all of the bags and got to come home.  No more problems.  Killing cancer is hard y’all.

The past 3 days have been terrible.  I have the freaking yeast rash on my legs again.  The top of my head broke out in a splotchy rash that didn’t itch...but was so sore to the touch!  So the doctor called in some high powered steroids.  Of course that makes me so hungry but everything tastes like crap!  So I stay in a constant rotation of sleepy, hungry and pissed off.  It’s fun!  And it turns out that the treatment that I am taking for the HER2+ cancer makes you gain weight!  WTF?!  I can’t even have skinny cancer?! 

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day!  I spent it in bed with Chris by my side watching DVR.  Clayton was on Xbox....apparently he thinks we are “super boring”

I promise I will try to do better about keeping my blog up to date.  Love to all!

Steph

[stephfights]

Meet Hope Penelope Preston.  I wanted a small dog that could sit with me and lay in bed with me.  She is a 4 year old 5 lb chihuahua.  And she is my little snuggle bug.  She keeps me company and makes me feel better.  I adopted her from the Nashville Humane Association.  She is heartworm positive so she is sick...like me.  She has to have treatments and they give her shots of poison to kill the disease....like me.  We are going to fight and get well together. 

[stephfights]

Round 3...and it’s kicking my ass

Well I have made it to the halfway point of the first block of chemo.  Number 3.  As far as the actual day of chemo...it wasn’t to bad.  It went much smoother than round #2 went.  My wonderful nurses were prepared for anything that might happen and had a great game plan before I even got there.  I love my nurses!

I had to have another round of magnesium since the diarrhea had crashed my levels.  They also gave me Benadryl and a steroid thru the port.  If you want some good sleep....liquid Benadryl!  After all of that then they got started on the 4 different chemo bags.  They ran it super slow and everything went as planned.  No problems.  It took a lot longer but it’s not like I had anywhere else to go.  I do feel bad for Chris and my mom.  They just have to sit for hours.  I know it is so boring and the chairs are uncomfortable.  Makes me feel guilty for complaining. 

The next 2 days I don’t remember a lot about.  As I have said before I am on a ton of different medications to combat all of the side effects of the chemo and some of them make me super sleepy.  Day #3 post chemo my bones were hurting so bad that I thought I would die.  Chris has to give me a shot 24 hours after chemo to boost my bones into overdrive to start making white blood cells.  The side effect is bone pain.  And there is nothing you can do for bone pain.  Tylenol and pain meds are used for muscle pain.  So all you can do is suffer.  It doesn’t matter if you sit or lay.  It hurts.  It feels like someone has your femur and is literally pulling it apart at both ends.  My legs, hips and ribs hurt me so bad.  And again....all Chris and my mom could do is watch.  (There comes that guilt creeping up again)

Day #4 post chemo I woke up in horrible pain in my groin and thighs.  I had a burn like rash.  And it hurt like a bitch!  Chris called the Dr and they said to go to my local urgent clinic and let them look at it.  So Mom wrapped me up and slapped a mask on me and off we went  They were so nice.  Turns out your body naturally produces yeast.  The chemo made my immune system bottom out so the yeast started growing out of control.  It was a yeast rash.  And it was horrible.  They gave me meds and fixed me right up.  It is still there but much better today.  Just another wonderful example of what chemo does to your body.

Day #5....here comes my arch nemisis diarrhea.  It is worse this time than any time before.  It is painful and humiliating.  And I can’t get away from it.  I take all the meds and when I top out I usually get a few hours of rest...then it starts again.  It does not matter what I eat or drink.  It’s going to happen.  Today is day #6 and it is showing no sign of slowing down.  At least mom and Chris are at work so they get a break from me.  Dad is here now.

Feb 10 I have an appointment with a genetic specialist.  They want to test me to see if I carry the breast cancer gene.  It scares me to think that I might.  I try not to worry about it and focus on one day at a time but that is hard.  I try to smile and be happy and tell everyone that I’m okay.  But the truth is....sometimes I’m not okay.  I am still angry about the situation I am in.  I still have days that I think this is so unfair.....especially to my family and friends.  I have days that I wonder why I am going thru all of this when there is no guarantee that it will work.  But then I get good news.  They measured the invasive tumor at my last chemo appointment and it has went from 6cm to 4cm.  My body is responding to the treatments.  Everyone is so excited.  Of course I am happy too.  But I am afraid to let myself get too excited until this is all over. 

Sorry to be such a downer but I want everyone to know all the different sides of this journey.  It is not just vomiting and weight loss that you always hear about with chemo.  It is SO much more.  Things I didn’t even know could happen.  Things I was not prepared for. But...I’m still kicking.  Not very high but I am still kicking.  Feb 11 will be chemo treatment #4 and I dread it.  I really do. 

Love to all

Steph

[stephfights]

This is the dreaded ice bath that comes with chemo bag #3 (Taxotere) I am suppose to sit for 90 minutes with my hands and feet in ice to help prevent neuropathy.  I know I look so cute with baggies on my feet and socks on my hands!  This is the side of chemo that no one talks about.

[stephfights]

This is what happens when I am given Benadryl thru my port.  Apparently I was talking and passed out mid sentence.  And I still retained control over the remote!

[stephfights]

Sickness....and boredom

Hello all!  I want to start off by saying thank you!  The amount of calls, texts, cards, gifts, prayers, etc. is just overwhelming.  I love every one of them.  You don’t know what it means to me when I am having a bad day and my phone chimes and it is a sweet text from friends, family or one of my sweet work kiddos (shoutout to Hunter!)  Or when my dad brings in the mail and shows me the cards that are sent.....some from people I don’t even know.  The outpouring of love and support is humbling and I wont ever be able to say thank you enough. 

This round of chemo has been much harder than the first.  The first 3 days I was just totally exhausted and weak.  Day 4 came and it was the worst day I have ever had in my life.  I was so weak and my bones were hurting so bad.  I have never felt pain like that.  And the vomiting and diarrhea.  Oh you wouldn’t believe the vomiting and diarrhea.  As my husband was holding me up on the toilet and I had a trash can on the floor between my legs I understood what it meant to be pumped full of poison, brought to the edge of death and having to fight my way back out.  I begged.  I begged to live.  I begged to die.  And my husband just stood there and held me up and told me to hang on, that I was going to be okay.  People....that is what love is.  I never ever thought we would be in this position.  I was so embarrassed.  But he assures me that it’s okay. 

After that day of hell I was exhausted.   Then came Tuesday.  The day of constant diarrhea.  I have never been so tired of looking at my bathroom!  I have medications for all of my symptoms.  But I have to take them a certain way and I can only take so many.  When I finally did all I could do I had to call the on call Doctor at 12:30 AM.  He was so nice and told me that I could take 2 more pills.  If that didn’t work then I would have to go to the hospital.  I took the last of the meds and it FINALLY stopped the diarrhea.  I was very thankful for that.  I still have a touch of diarrhea but nothing like it was.  Hopefully I am on the up swing now and each day will get better and better.  Of course then I go back for round 3 on Jan. 21.  Sigh.

One of the other terrible things I have found out by being a chemo patient is the boredom.  OMG....I am SO bored!  You can only read so many magazines and books, watch so much tv and movies or surf the internet.  And I have learned that the internet is evil.  Especially Ebay!  Apparently when I am incredibly bored I shop.  And I do not like to lose on an auction.  So I had to fess up today to the hubby and let him know that some charges are going to be hitting the ole bank account.  I know I have to reign it in...but it is the only fun I have right now!  He just laughed at me!  I sure do love that man.

So I am waiting on day 14 post chemo.  That is freedom day!  The day I finally get out from under quarantine.  The first week I am so tired and sick I can’t go out.  Day 7-12 is the most critical.  That is when my immune system is at it’s lowest and I have have to be super careful.  Day 13 is rest and prepare day.  And day 14 is sweet freedom!  I have sat today and thought about what I want to do and where I want to go.  I’m still not sure yet.  Any suggestions?

I do want to especially thank Lexi.  She is one of my work kiddos who has been with me for over 4 years now.  She came to visit me on Monday and it was so nice to see her.  I am so proud of her and the woman she is becoming.    If anyone wants to come visit I would love that.  BUT....you have to text or call to see if I am having a good day and am able to have visitors.  I never know day to day how I will feel and I have to be so careful with germs. 

I feel like I have rambled tonight.  But hey....I have chemo brain!  Lol!   Love to all!

Steph