stephistopheles

[stephistopheles]

IS THIS REAL?!? I feel like it almost can't be - I audibly gasped when I saw Jeremy Stolle and Hugh Panaro.

There's no way this can be real... Right?!

https://deadline.com/2025/06/masquerade-cast-preview-dates-phantom-of-the-opera-1236444675/

[stephistopheles]

Even with my current circumstances being what they are, it breaks my heart to see how many others are also struggling. From posts on my feed, shelters across local counties are still at capacity, even with the temperatures rising.

Clearly, the system is very fucking broken. Most rooms for rent cost more than an entire apartment would have not long ago. If you can't buy a house, you're looking at spending $600+ for a room, and at least $1100 for an actual apartment, most likely a studio.

This is absolutely insane. Things feel kind of hopeless right now. In addition to saving up what money I can from working less hours than I was given the impression I would be, I'm also forced to deal with my abuser on a regular basis who still seems to only view his child as something he owns and can do with as he pleases. I still have no solid idea of my next steps, and having to interact with him on any level completely drains my already low energy levels.

What is the state of our world when empathy and compassion seem to be so fundamentally lacking? I ask this not just in regards to my own life and experiences, but in what I'm seeing roll across my screen on here on a daily basis.

How is it that we live in a world where if you don't meet a set of arbitrary standards(i.e. socioeconomic background), you're deemed undeserving of having even your most basic needs met? How are those with comfortable or affluent lifestyles so willing to simply overlook those who are struggling? How can people be so callous when the gap between the "haves" and the "have nots" continues to grow into a chasm?

I have a feeling my depression isn't just a result of my own direct struggles... The energy of the collective is so very heavy right now. I have a feeling that many lightworkers, energy workers, healers, etc. are likely all taking a hit from it. I imagine I'm not alone in my struggles feeling insurmountable - it seems to be a theme that those of us who can feel the energies around us the way we do tend to have a lot more hurdles to clear than those who don't.

The irony of being made to raise the collective vibration while simultaneously just trying to continue living in spite of circumstances absolutely and relentlessly crushing you is not lost on me. And still, I ask - beg, really - for Spirit to guide me to where I need to go. I plead for some relief; to have the people I need to meet to move things forward in my life to be put in my path so I can do just that, and I feel abandoned in a way that I've never felt before. I still see synchronicities all the time - I still feel like Spirit is sending me signs to say "You're getting there, I'm with you," but yet I'm still stuck.

I imagine my vibration is quite low at this point, and I know that what you send out is what you receive back. Like attracts life. But how am I supposed to keep a high vibration when horrible things have been regularly happening to me for years now, and continue to happen? How am I meant to help anyone else when every step I take to help myself leads to something pushing me two steps backward? How am I meant to connect with others in any meaningful way when it seems like my entire life, I've been surrounded by people who think that I'm worthless?

This took a pretty sharp turn midway through... But when the words start to pour out I tend to just wait and see where they go. I have truly been through hell and back several times it seems, and Satan just keeps pulling me back under. (I mean this metaphorically of course, as I don't really believe in hell or it's affiliates, lol.)

I'm just exhausted, and I know so many others are, too. So many are carrying this burden, yet those who have the power to help choose not to. Matter of fact, our country elected one of the most callous and selfish individuals in the public eye to run the country. That not only speaks levels about where our society is currently stagnant, but where many of it's constituents stand.

Sigh. Yes, life is heavy tonight. I imagine it will be heavy again tomorrow, though part of me still hopes it won't be, or will at least be slightly less so. Either way, I won't be shocked if I don't get much sleep again tonight.

[stephistopheles]

Love never dies? More like Bees never die

I’m sorry

I’ll leave

[stephistopheles]

Just fucking house them, no one deserves to be unhoused.

[stephistopheles]

The pure joy of discovering a shirt you've just purchased has built in thumb holes.

[stephistopheles]

[stephistopheles]

Holy shit, Ben Lewis!!!!

New video of Ben Lewis talking about his role in the musical “Company” Source: WestEnd Company Instagram

[stephistopheles]

Thinking about how Erik wasn't just left alone by people, but also had no support system in the century he was born. His traumas would never be taken seriously (specially considering the men in his time), his mental illness would never be treated, he would probably be locked in an asylum and endure horrific torture if he ever tried to search for help. His abusers were protected by this very system and got away with everything they did to him. He was left down by everyone, even in his family, anywhere he went he was met with abuse, discrimination and ableism, and there was no way to escape this monstrous society other than hiding from it.

Thinking about no matter how much Leroux evidenced Erik's humanity, his nuances, the good he was capable of making, how his crimes were circumstantial (and in a lot of cases even forced), but not from thoughtless sadistic satisfaction, how he had no chance of living as a normal person in the world that casted him out like a 'monster'... he will always be a "villain" in the eyes of so many people. Because it's easier to blame one single person that already doesn't have anything or anyone and is already down on his misery, poverty and trauma, than to aknowledge the very system and society that forced him to live that way. It's easier to create an enemy that won't be accepted by anyone as anything other than an enemy, an 'other'.

Just thinking about how tragic and sadly realistic Erik is.

[stephistopheles]

There are many who could, justifiably, say that the measure of some mens' integrity is congruent to that of their "manhood."

[stephistopheles]

Deadass homeless, send help.

https://giveahand.com/fundraiser/homeless-home-health-aid-needs-a-christmas-miracle

[stephistopheles]

So, to anyone wondering why my presence in various avenues is spotty at best, in the past several weeks of my life, I have :

* Had my divorce from my emotionally abusive husband finalized.

* Learned he is a bigger monster than I ever imagined as I had to sit and listen to him tell the court, under oath, that he did most of raising our daughter while I was barely involved. (This is the absolute exact opposite of the truth.)

* Been kicked out of the house that I shared with my daughter, ex-husband, and his grandmother - who, ironically, I suggested move in with us when she was looking for housing and couldn't find anything affordable.

* Started living in my car, because affordable housing options for a single income do not exist.

* Got arrested and spent a night in jail because I had missed some payments on legal fees. It took a day and a half for them to say "Make *this much* minimum payment in three days" and release me. I thought, "I can easily make that much in three days, no problem." Until immediately after...

* Had my car start having mechanical issues that I could not afford to pay. Ironically, this also withdrew my primary means of earning income, as I've been making money by Doordashing while trying to find somewhere to live, and also dealing with my health issues.

All of these things have happened literally within the last 3 weeks. So now, not only can I not make an income, but I now currently don't have the means to travel to see my child. My ex-husband continues to be vindictive and abusive through her, and has thus far refused to help with transporting her.

So, I'ma leave a couple ways people can contribute to alleviating a little of my fucked up financial burden if they are feeling the holiday spirit and want to help someone who really, truly needs it. For those who can't or don't feel the inclination... Please send me good vibes, I need as many as I can get.

https://giveahand.com/fundraiser/homeless-home-health-aid-needs-a-christmas-miracle

[stephistopheles]

No, I'm fine... A little hyperventilation is completely normal for me...

[stephistopheles]

There is another irony here that even those of us who take steps to act out these fantasies in ways via the kink community have to be EXTREMELY cautious in choosing the types of people we are comfortable doing that with. Especially in the realm of CNC - I don't want to get raped for real; it really is about control.

There's a freedom in saying to someone "I'm trusting you enough to take the burden of all responsibility from me for a period of time, within the parameters we've both agreed on." And let me tell you, there is no faster way for a "Dom" to vet himself out of the running than to come at you trying to talk some nasty shit before even bothering to introduce themselves. I've teminated arrangements because some men can't comprehend that there is a line between play and real life, and some men seem to just really enjoy being shitty to women and call it "dominating."

Anyway, I could go on and on. But the point is, fantasy is just that. I like to read fiction about women being abducted and held captive; doesn't mean I want to live in anyone's basement. And I have plenty of fantasies that I will never act on or share with anyone else, because they're just for me!

A very random real-life example of fantasy vs reality; PotO was a massive influence during my sexual awakening. Years down the line, I dated a sculptor who fashioned a porcelain mask, wore it, and dressed up in a suit to surprise me, wanting to get freaky. I absolutely could not do it.

Still wish he would have let me keep the mask though. 😂😂😂 Homeboy was 6'5" with gorgeous hands, too.

my instagram explore page loves showing me those like erotic dark romance novel tiktoks and i really have to wonder: why do all these straight women desperately want to fuck a mafia boss

[stephistopheles]

Omg 😭

[stephistopheles]

I always tell people that if you tell me something 3 times, no matter how ridiculous or unlikely it is, I will probably believe you. Lying is not a tendency I have - I'm terrible at it and I think it's pointless, so I also don't tend to assume people are lying to me. 🤷

Fun fact : I hate April Fools Day because it really bothers me that people spend the day lying to each other and laughing about it. None of that seems like a good time to me.

[stephistopheles]

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the incomparable Jeremy Stolle for introducing me to one of my now absolute favorite phrases, "Stop it some more." 😁

...and for literally everything else you do.

[stephistopheles]

For as long as I live, one thing I will never understand is what could possibly possess a person to park their vehicle next to another parked vehicle in an otherwise entirely empty parking lot.