steppingabove

[steppingabove]

Why the name Stepping Above?

First, it’s the first whole step parent relevance. The second part is to convince myself to remain above the behaviours and tactics of the HCBM. Trust me, it’s tough and without my amazing partner and the couple of friends who I have shared my journey of chaos and conflict with, I would have fled this scene without looking back.

While I would not be in this position had I not met this incredible man who stole my heart when I didn’t think there was room in it for a relationship, let alone becoming a full time step mom. This man came with a lot of anxiety after being what I consider to be emotionally abused for many years at the hands of his now ex-wife. He is a tough guy and had only the single intention of getting full custody of his daughter to end the cycle of mental and emotional anguish he already witnessed being unleashed on him and his now adult son. He wanted so much better for his young daughter who needed parents who were always there for her; to teach her how to grow into a respectful, independent young lady who can both advocate for herself and defend against the bullying she was enduring at 10 years of age from a narcissist mother. I knew what I was getting into and vowed to be by his side.

Let’s get into the back story.

Just under a year ago, after bio mom (BM), as I will refer to her for now because the high conflict wasn’t apparent then, met her second new man since the separation, she decided parenting was taking too much effort and finally agreed to 50/50. Her parenting had been a mediocre 50% before the agreement but the sidebar agreement she penned finally gave Dad the ability to have some structured time. Therein started the high conflict part of the game she wanted to play here she would give and take away at her discretion, as long as she felt she had control.

Over the next couple of months it got pretty intense. She started a court action so she could move the daughter away to a new city and start a new life where the child had no support system available. Dad fought back. This was not what she expected after years of grooming him to do as she said. She threatened more, he just ignored her and kept his foot on the gas, moving towards their anticipated interim Court hearing. Then, when she realized she wasn’t going to walk all over him, she simply sent a letter to the court prior to their hearing to relinquish her parental battle. However, once the Court date approached a few weeks later, she realized she no longer had that control she so desperately sought. She could no longer control the child’s daily actions, her thoughts and her abuse of power was diminished to a mere accessing parent role. This caused her to change gears again and she now had a problem with the time I was spending with her child in our blended family. Suddenly I became the target of her abusive need for attention.

Full disclosure here. I am a bio mom too. I know it’s is difficult to have a new person assumed to be taking your role. I understand a new step parent can be perceived as a threat, however, with good co-parenting, the relationship between bio and step parents can be smooth, seamless and shared parenting can be achieved. I was open to a relationship with BM, even defending her position many times. I was not aware this was not possible with someone who craved constant control, who chose to reign her children as a dictator and continues to paint me as the villain. I had no idea how tough it was going to be to navigate this parenting role for someone else’s child. It’s extremely difficult to give the kind of love a child deserves and for it to be accepted while the biological mother is teaching her to hate me. But I have accepted the role that has been handed to me and I make a promise to myself and my partner that I will love his daughter as I do my own children. I will support her, nurture her and help her grow into a respectful and productive young lady she aspires to be.

[steppingabove]

I am new at this blog writing but need an outlet to vent anonymously and find others who may be in a similar situation. I live on the east cost of Canada and there seem to be few options for groups or resources within our communities with everyone having only a small degree of separation between who they know or who they are related to.

As a stepmom (SM) with a high conflict bio mom (HCBM) I find myself somewhat isolated from other blended families because most wont freely admit they go through the same crazy bullshit we go through on a weekly basis. (I will fill in the back story later). It’s a bit of a taboo and seems to be likened to an abusive situation where people know what’s going on but they shy away from asking for fear that you will unleash the story and they will have to be more involved than they wish to, or even worse, suddenly they will become the victim. I don’t blame them because YES, if HCBM has any mutual connection, she will target them too! This segment of the story will be told eventually as I get you up to speed on the events of the past year of my life.

Why did it take me a year to start this? The same reason as above. I was afraid to face that demon, fear of how my partner would react and the thought of being ridiculed for letting someone affect my normally strong demeanour. I am not a vindictive person and truly believe karma will reward both positive and negative behaviours so I try to stay on that blessed side. I had even defended this HCBM’s character in the beginning because I figured the stories were so outlandish, they had to be an exaggeration. Incredibly, they were all truthful.

During Covid, I have found myself jobless with lots of extra time to delve into this deeper. I have now read countless articles and blogs on dealing with narcissistic mothers, how it affects their children and have finally gotten sick of seeing a young girl and her dad being victimized by this vile human being. This HCBM has already aliented their adult son and we continue to fight legally to have my stepdaughter (SD) with us full time. But even this is a struggle because the Family Court system is so backlogged and broken that the child ends up suffering from the emotional and mental scarring long before the offending adult. And again, she wins, just by having the victory over the child’s mental state.

It’s time to fight back!