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[stfuviolet1]

Crazy How Time Flies

Yknow, after more than a decade I finally logged in to my Facebook account again and actually took some time to go through my old friends’ profile. Especially those I used to be close with and of course, my old ex(es) and crushes lmao. I mean what’s the point of logging in if you’re not doing some FBI job right?

As I keep on scrolling to their posts, some of my reactions are

“WOW” “WAIT WHAT??” “OMG”

Holy sheet I can’t believe how much these people have grown. It feels like it was just yesterday I saw them at school. Some of these people were so close to me and now we have all grown apart. If there’s one phase of my life that I wish I could revisit again, it’s definitely my school year. Not gonna lie, it wasn’t the best. But it wasn’t the worst either. But I’m glad I had such fulfilling childhood and memories in school.

Friends, if anything I’m so proud of each one of you. You may never hear from me again, but it warms my heart to see where you guys are at now in life. Most of you are already married, with spouses and kids around. I suck at keeping in touch but I’m genuinely happy for you guys and hope all of you found peace and eternal happiness forever.

As for me?? I’m doing good. May not be THERE yet but everyday is a new day for a wise man right? And I’m just living in the moment cherishing the little things in my life before they slip away from my memories. It’s hard not to compare but I strongly believe I’m exactly where I need to be right now. Maybe one day we’ll meet again and spend time like the old days. Maybe we won’t. I know life is like a moving train where people come and go when their station has arrived and I also know change is inevitable but sometimes, I wish some things could remain the same. Especially the good ones. It’s been so long, till we meet again. And when that time comes, maybe we’ll laugh or cry our hearts out as we walk down the memory lane. Until then, take care.

Love,

Fey #210424

[stfuviolet1]

Fey’s 2024 Ramadhan goals

1. To not skip sahur and solat fardhu

2. To attend taraweh prayer as much as I can

3. To read Quran each day at least 3 pages

4. To control my tongue and emotions

5. To hafal surah and listen to Islamic podcast

[stfuviolet1]

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“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.”

— Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter, Geraldine

[stfuviolet1]

My ex: putrajaya’s too far from bangsar I don’t think we can work things out let’s call it off

Him :

[stfuviolet1]

February has rather been, distressful. I started having fear again. I can't seem to remember what's been consuming my mind but seems like once again, i'm feeling self conscious. the thought of aging scares me. Im so scared of the possibilities, the future the changes that I need to go through, mostly the physical changes. I am scared I won't be competent anymore I won't be fit anymore I won't be active anymore I won't be as attractive anymore i'm scared of watching my youth slipping away each day. I tried to convince myself you can't be young forever fey its okay to grow old you're entering the new phase of life but deep inside I haven't had enough. I don't want to move to the next stage of my life just yet there's so much thing I wanna do and I wanna achieve but im not sure how much time I have left.

Watching each one of my friend settling down sure gives me fomo but overall im fine just being with myself. I know for a fact I will get there I know I will have my own family too my own kids but I need a lil bit more time to enjoy my solitude. I've always wanted to get married at 30 and now that im 28 I only have 2 years left to be on my own and honestly, im not sure if I will be mentally, emotionally, physically and financially ready by that time. It's stressing me out thinking I might need to start saving for my marriage but I haven't spoiled myself enough. I haven't bought myself anything nice nor take myself to places how am I going to spoil someone else.

When I love, I love wholeheartedly. I probably would care about his wellbeing and happiness more than mine but isn't it not fair to myself? When I have never received such treatment and now that im slowly capable of loving and affording myself, I get pressured to get married? all my life I have always been supporting other people. My money, my energy, my time, my feelings, but when it comes to my own happiness nobody really gives a shit. and I guess that answers why I've been disassociating myself from a lot of people cause at the end of the day, they don't get it. and its okay.

fey, #0902224

[stfuviolet1]

You know what I miss right now? Loud music and alcohol. Or maybe a lil joint.

Yea I’m driven, ambitious and focused on my goals these days but a lil fun here and there wouldn’t hurt, right?

[stfuviolet1]

You know what’s funny? The fact that you want to be with me just because you’re ready to settle down, not because you’re in love with me. It didn’t take me long to realize that. I’m sorry, I don’t feel the love, the connection when I’m with you. It’s no secret that you’re a good person, a loving son to your mother and that you’d do anything to make your mom happy including giving her a daughter in law cause apparently that’s what she wants from you, right? As much as I’d love to be a part of your functional family, I never wanna jeopardize my happiness and my marriage to be with a man who’s not in love with me.

I tried to open up my heart for you but each time I tried, I’d end up making a fool to myself. What do you want really. You can’t expect to be in a relationship with me without any sort of connection or bond. I get it, we’re both busy adults. I have so much on my plate, juggling life as a lawyer and teacher at the same time while you making a living as corporate lawyer but let’s face it, no relationship will work without effort and communication. I am willing to give a try but what about you? Why’d you ghosted me when I finally open up my heart for you?

[stfuviolet1]

These days, I've been going through some setbacks. Idk, for a second I thought I was gonna fall into the rabbit hole again. But this time, it's different. It's nothing much about my insecurities but rather life in general itself. Work, family, money, friends, boys basically everything. Life's been a lil hard lately ever since I start practising. As much as I'm stoked to be getting my SAPC, words cant describe how overwhelmed I am right now with my boss. She's.. I can't even begin where to start with the misery she's caused all of us in the office. I am a strong believer that nothing and no one can get inside my mind unless I allow them but for someone who's got a petite physical she somehow manage to get through and stay long enough to get me fuken stressed up.

Family? idk, i love my family and its no secret im a family person and that I'd do anything for them. Basically the reason why im still holding on with everything that drains me from inside out is because of my family especially with my dad's condition right now. But idk sometimes i feel like i was never valued. No matter how much i sacrificed, no matter how hard i work, it's still not enough. most of my money is spent on my family and its not that i care but idk, a lil thank you should be enough? a lil hug? a lil 'im proud of u' ? i was so sick recently and it lasted the whole week and i had my blood taken out and doctor said im super close to lungs infection. he also claimed that im restless. but despite all that, i still forced myself to wake up every morning and showed up to work. im grateful that god still gives me strength to show up everyday, but sometimes i wish i would come home to hot porridge or soup made by my mom with a lil hug telling me ''its gonna be fine''. i didnt ask for much, i just want a lil attention and care . i know how im mostly known as strong independent woman but deep inside, im so tired. so so tired.

[stfuviolet1]

Another day another guy who tries to get me into relationship just to feed their ego 😪

[stfuviolet1]

If there’s one lesson I could list out of any other lessons I learnt for the past one year; is to stop seeking validation. All my life (as far as I remember) I was seeking validation and tbh, it’s whack. I’m starting to admit that I, no matter how many times I told myself that I don’t give a fuck, somewhere somewhere inside my heart, I still care. A people pleaser? Perhaps.

But that would be the last year Fey. This year Fey? Boy she prolly still gives a fuck. In fact there’s too many fucks to be given. The question is, who’s worthy of her fucks? Yeap I’m so selective with who I choose to indulge myself with now. Ever since I’m determined to pick myself up from the rock bottom about a year ago, I didn’t look back. It’s the promise I made to myself. To never ever put myself in a position where I was a couple of months ago. Ever. Guess it’s right, you gotta hit rock bottom to rise from the ashes again. Picked myself up each day, slowly building my strength and confidence back, accepting all parts of me when I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror. Being kinder to myself starting last year is no doubt the most noble thing I’ve done to myself. I suck at something or fuck things up? It’s okay lesson learned let’s try again. It’s not the end of the world. I got sick? Poor baby girl let’s make you some hot soup and get you hot patches and nice hot chocolate while binge watching our favorite show. The way I’m treating myself right now is literally is the way how I would treat my inner child. I got you Fey, I got you.

So after all these roller coasters journey (yeh ngl life still sucks at times but honestly it ain’t life if you ain’t tripping) it’s safe to say I stop seeking for validation be it from family, friends or even a partner or a guy duh. To hell to anyone who thinks otherwise of me cause I know exactly who I am, I know exactly what I want and I know exactly who I want to be. But don’t get me wrong tho, I still welcome compliments as much as I welcome constructive criticism. There’s à different from being a high value person and a jerk.

Anyways coming back to the point, I probably don’t care as much as what people think of me as long as I’m doing fine. BUT,, something funny happened today. Or rather, sweet? Weird? Fishy?

A 5 year old boy… ok let’s just put his name here. HAMZAH. Yes you hear it right, hamzah, my one and only IGCSE student for reception level just called me ‘pretty’ earlier today!!! Like wtf,, ok I’ve been getting compliments from little kids multiple of times before but coming from hamzah? Again, HAMZAH? boy for a second I thought I was dreaming when I heard that but yo, I got receipts. I was recording him and the rest of the students who joined our experiment today. I’d show it but nvm, it’s for my safekeeping only.

So I greeted everyone with good morning and as everyone else replied back he at the end of his sentence said “GOOD MORNING TEACHER NURUL CANTIK” at this point I had to play cool but gosh my heart drops lmao. 6 months and counting being his teacher all I can see is he’s very selective, egoistic, sensitive, bossy, reserved, hot headed (sounds so much like me) I rarely hear him compliments anything other that his superficial characters/toys etc but when he said that to me, it calms my heart knowing he actually could be as expressive(?) the way he appreciates beauty is what I found heart warming. I mean for a 5 year old, what do they know much about adjectives? But I guess it’s nice to know that all this while, I have been seen as a good looking woman. At least to his eyes. It means the world to me. It’s enough to put a smile on my face and lasted the whole day.

Sounds so much like seeking validation? Maybe. But he IS an exception.

#290124

[stfuviolet1]

As January 2024 is coming to an end, I thought of listing some if not few lessons that I’ve learnt so far.

1. Family comes first

2. Don’t talk to someone just to fill in the void or emptiness inside you

3. Live in the present and cherish the little things

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If there’s one negative trait about me that I acknowledge really well but can’t seem to do anything about it: my ego. Why am I so egoistic

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you are my safe harbour

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thank you south african lawyers for making a solid case for israel committing genocide and thank you israeli lawyers for making a solid case for israel committing a genocide