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THINGS THAT PRESSURE ME

- To help finances at house

- To be better at my career, so that someday I’ll have a better foundation

- To be a better person even if a lot of people around me disappoint me

- To send Papa into therapy

 THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD

- To see my father’s suffering

- To see my mother neglect my father because of past

- To see my parents getting old, and feeling like I’ll have no one at the future

- To grieve alone and have no one in the family to share my problems with

- To not be able to help more with the finances at house or to others or myself

-  To feel exhaustion from the monthly expenses

- When being judged about my performances with my career

- When I feel I am not enough

- When others do not understand why I choose to work at the province or I am sacrificing great opportunities at work

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

- That I’m healthy 

- Everytime I try and make it through, to balance to have both family and career

- When I serve others including family, friends and others

- That I know how to appreciate and earn what I have

- That God is there always in my suffering and victory

- For the plans of God for me ahead

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Dear God,

I am 24 years old right now, I am writing to You because I think I am not okay for quite some time and had not found anyone to talk about it. This sadness that I feel, in my heart I am seeking for someone who is really willing to listen, who might understand, but everytime I try, it drains me a lot. I need someone who can just listen sincerely and won’t pressure me. I am not mad at them, it is just tiresome to put myself out there to try.  I am being toxic lately, as I observe myself.

When Papa was stroked, I was heartbroken. It’s been four years now, the last normal conversation I had with him before the events is that he was pointing out that I cried at the hospital. I still always talk to him but not very detailed, but still I am really thankful that we understand each other somehow. It’s just sometimes, it makes me sad ‘cause I want to know how he feels and thinks about certain things.  I always want to make him feel heard and not alone. I don’t want him to feel isolated despite his disability. The first time I got the news that he’ll be bedridden, I cried a lot.

Even though my father is disabled now, I still respect him, and I think I love him even more now. Despite the odds, I want to always bring them along in my life. Ever since he was stroked, I asked God, what’s our future. It really hurts me to see him sad sometimes, limited. I’m always scared that he pity his self, that he might forget how important he is, his worth. For me, he and my mother are the best gifts You had ever given me.  

I always want to ask You Lord, what is our future? How can I have the courage to live? They are more important than the material opportunities. It’s just too cruel Lord,  to just accept what most people would. Shall every person with his same condition just accept that perspective. I don’t see the point of life if we would live that way. Am I losing hope? I am not asking to understand everything now, I am just asking for hope and mercy. Have mercy on us Lord. How will we continue to live? What should we expect and dream? I said to myself that I refuse to believe what many would say. Life is not suppose to be like that, I believe You have great plans than for us than to wait until our last days in this world. I am always scared that Your plan might common person says but I am trying to have faith on You Lord, we don’t think the way You do.

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Have mercy on us Lord, give us hope and courage. Help us to face tomorrow together please. Please remind my father his worth, it’s from You, it’s not the things that he can or cannot do, the richness and health.  He is more than the sickness he has. Give me hope and wisdom Lord, to take care of him. I don’t know how to be strong anymore L It frustrate me to see him feel that way.

Proverbs 23:18.

“Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.”

Thank You Lord for loving us. You are the greatest of all. Amen

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Dear God,

It’s 12:22 am, and I have the desire to write down what I feel. I want to make it simple and genuine. I feel so dissapointed with certain people in my life, and these people are not someone whom I can just leave and replace. I’ve been dissapointed with them for so long. They had hurt me over and over again. Often, I ask myself, why are they so unfair.  

Lord, You thought me to base my worth on how You look at me. You gave me definition, and that’s what makes me survive everytime. However, a lot of times I can’t help to be affected and be in pain because of what they do and say to me. 

Since I was young, I felt like, I can only be love at that level. Hanggang doon lang ako, I can never be more than that . But I grew older, and I let go of those labels from them. You put me high. Nakakalungkot lang, cause’ even maging ok at kunyari wala lang nangyari. Hindi siya napi-fix. People are still going to be the same. They will still repeat these actions. And I want to make them know that it’s not ok and dumadating yung time na numb na ako no matter what happens besides kina Mama at Papa. 

I can’t fix these, I can’t change them. But I want them to at least know, that it matters to me. They should say sorry even when they’re older. They should ask nicely, and what I give no matter what it is, is a favor that they’re asking from me just like how I ask favor from them. I give that part of me for them, even a lot of times I don’t have time for myself. Yung sabihin sa’yo na yun na lang mabibigay ko and I am obliged to do that for you because just because you said it. I don’t want to do things because of utang na loob. I want to do those because I care. These things, it proves to me that they’re not genuine with me. That I am just that level sa kanila. Di ko naman sinasabi na, paghandaan mo ko etc. but acknowledge your mistakes and don’t treat me like I am someone who owes you if you really care about me. That’s why I can’t trust anymore. I can’t be vulnerable, kase sarili kong kapatid ganun. And life is not just easy being on my own. Hindi naman si Mama, yung tipong magsastand para sa’kin. She can’t even stand for myself kase she was so sorry that her children had to fill her shortcomings.

Years ago, (for a couple of times  too),I went downstairs, and sat beside my  father. Tears run into my cheeks as I tell them how I was hurt with how my other siblings talk to me and I can’t defend myself because the house and food that I have comes from them. And he was there, he cares. When there was an old man yelling at me sa bus. I saw how he cares about me and it’s enough that I have someone who genuinely cares about my feelings. I thank my father that in this world, even if it was years ago, I at least experienced having someone loved me that way. I have someone who will stand up for me. 

I can’t find someone whom I can trust that much and just be vulnerable.  I’m tired of fighting for the position that I’m worth it. And I also stopped expecting from these people, but it is not really easy. It feels like you have to drive a car but you can never drive it to the maximum happiness. And if in that case, won’t I ever be that complete inside again cause I know that my own family can’t even do these simple that I am asking them. If my own blood can’t love me that much, what more pa yung iba. Yun na lang ba ako. So maybe, these are my questions lately. Am I not worth listening to and worth the respect. 

Though di perfect si Mama, I chose to love and forgive her. I know she loves me but I felt like a lot of times that I am not worthy for her to stand up for me. So it’s not easy, howeve,r I love her and she’s precious and old, so it is ok. Papa, I love you both when you can’t and can do and say the things you say to me before. I will always love the old and current version of you. And God used you to keep me on hold to life specially when I’m at the darkest clouds. I love you both♥ 

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23

If you’re curious what being on 20’s  like, I don’t know if I am the right person to ask. I might not be really a good example, I am not  the worst of course but I also am not feeling that I am the best. Besides my age, the other qualifications of what I hoped  20’s was like when I was  younger  is not what I really have right now.  Months ago I was yearning to finish this writing, but I couldn’t do it. You know what  early 20’s being like?  

It’s almost two years since we stopped having face-to-face classes, it did not ended how I dreamt it. Even though it is  one and a half year  since I graduated and had already experienced two different jobs, I still feel like it was still yesterday. I still feel like I am that college student who was commuting  an almost 2-hour bus-ride and was walking the sidewalk of  Sta.Isabel. I did that for five years and I still can’t believe that I’ve done it. It still feels like yesterday, all of the deadlines and the learning and the friendly competition. All of those faces that I get passed by everyday for  five years.

For the two jobs that I had and was truly grateful for even though I am not part of it anymore, I don’t want to say that those were wasted times. Though I learned skills from those experiences, while I was there I know that there is something  that is lacking. I have this yearning  to learn, to grow and to be passionate about what I do. When I graduated from college and is not challenged anymore to solve complex architectural problems, I had to help myself  to seek growth. I have to inspire myself now that I am more alone compared when my classmates were still there to compete with my abilities. I did not realized that subconsciously they inspired me to seek knowledge.

That’s what I miss about myself now that I am already at my 20’s. Being crazy and on fire on what you do. You see when you are a student, you know that your responsibility is to study excellently to have high grades but being on your 20’s I am suppose to learn also  not because of grades but because that is what I really want and passionate about. But in order to know what a 20’s really want,  I felt like she had to go through a lot of she doesn’t want.

Finding that “thing” while being pressured to be employed in a good company, to pay for bills, insurances ,invest, save for future, enjoy youth ,reflect  with your faith and be responsible for the people around you. You have to be able to balance all of these, to tell yourself that I am doing great at my 20’s. I am 23 now  and I believe that I still have a lot of opportunities that God will open for me and though I feel that right now I am not at the edge of my career, I have faith that one day I’ll look back at this not so perfect feeling confusion phase of my life as a small piece of big plan that God wants for me.

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Dear Lord,

I am writing right now because I am confused. I don’t know if I am really yearning and desiring to have a SO in my life or I am just pressured and lonely. The idea of having an actual human being with a deep relationship with is wonderful, however, I believe that other people who are with their partners are not perfect as well and maybe my life is even better than theirs. Sometimes, i feel like it’s just a reputation that u have someone who accepts u, a standard, you are normal and acceptable, your worth is dependent if someone adores and values u. Maybe what bothers me is that am i missing something out in my life if I don’t have that? Maybe I wasn’t designed than the common. I was fighting all of the negativity that may cause why I don’t have that relationship. I’m just really concerned if I am missing something, just because I don’t have it. And maybe the most important lesson I learned from all of this journey, the main point is at the end of each day, u want to go home and have someone to have dinner and deep conversation with, someone to share. And I have that each day, I have You, my  family and friends. Whatever kind of relationship we have, it all have the same substance. Having a boyfriend is an addition, but it’s not my core and I don’t want to give energy to something that’s not existing. Naniniwala talaga ako na, it doesnt really have a big difference, pressured lang ako. Baka nga mas masaya pa ko sa kanila haha. I missed the deep convos with Kim, and I always wanted to know more but it doesnt matter anymore cause it’s not mutual and I will never going back to someone who doesn’t want me to be part of his life. i know myself and I have enough reason to do the right thing. i just have to get over this misssing feelings at pag-asa na he’ll realize. I’ll get over this and be happy on my own 100% haha. Ok lang na single ako, i just want to really learn a lot of things and exploreee, yung di mo mararamandaman time kase gusto mo pa enjoyin.  I want to do that!  and i want to do that not because i want to impress other people but because I want to savour things genuinely. Lord I may still have that SO, but I am thankful for the past people I met and for the present and I trust You with the future. It’s not the right time, cause today I need to be on my own and exploreeee!!! Thank You po♥

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Hi Tumblr

Minsan sa gabi bigla na lang ako magigising, tapos nagugulat ako na ganito na life namin. Parang dati bata lang ako, ngayon, my parents are older, working na, i’m more independent emotionally sa mga kapatid ko, and what i do today, i feel like i have lesser allowance na magkamali or else i’ll have great consequenses. I don’t know, minsan paggising ko ang lungkot ng nafifeel ko. Gayunpaman, ok lang naman ako. Baka ganito lang talaga. Basta pag naiiisip ko na ganun yung reality ng life, kailangan ko na maging strong and wise palagi, i have to fight poverty, (di naman kami super mahirap, pero nandun yung alam mong pag wala kang ginawa today, dun ako pupunta), andun yung ganun, na pinanganak ka sa mundo na ganun. (Thankful ako ah sa family ko, kung anong meron ako dahil sa kanila yun) Basta iniisip ko lang na graduate na ko, kahit magwork ako forever, technically di sya sasapat, nasa bansa ako na may lesser opportunity? 1 step is mag-aral at basta it feels like there is an incoming uncertainty, at dahil dun need ko maging wiser and stronger for the incoming years. I know that i have to be financially successful, sa totoo lang, pero baka dun ako nalulungkot na, yun na yun, yun na ba yung meaning ng success. To reach that success, ang nakikita kong mga paraan, is wag ka muna magjowa or mag-asawa para di ka maprone  bumuo ng fam na di mo naman kayang bigyan ng better opportunities, magbusiness ka (if i have only one saving sa buhay ko from my salary, i should choose a business that is closer to my expertise, and ayoko ng construction and design firm), mag-ofw ka (mga 25 need ko iwan sina mama at papa), mag-migrate (nakakaguilty sya, it’s part of your identity na pinoy ka, at di ba uulitin ko lang yung hirap, ibang version lang, pero this one is i want to discover at least), mag-invest (nagsastart pa lang ako aralin, bago ako magbitaw ng pera),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so sa lahat ng ‘to i felt like i’m losing hope Lord,,, today I am ok, but tommorrow I want to be better so that I can help more. It makes me sad na ito lang nabibigay ko, i want to lessen the burden nila ate, give them chance na magpahinga naman. I am scared sa future. Kaya yung ibang mga tao  pag iniisip ko, sobrang hirap nila pero I know that at one point, i consider them successful, cause the meaning of success to them is having  a complete family and they achieved it, however it also has a  lot of consequenses. It’s very hard to live your life , having the most basic needs deprived from u, being deprived from the rights, sacrificing your social status (least of my concern),,, and it’s also selfish na u take more from other people than you’re giving them. Idk, if you’re poor, most likely will happen is you beg for something that u did not worked hard for. Or masisipag naman, but it’s not enough. Pag mayaman ka, u have more than enough, but u don’t have a family, in my case, siguro sa naiisip ko. U have sacrificed so much, to be there, yet u are alone. Di ko alam. I know my parents will leave me someday, and my siblings have their own lives. Of course, they will always be my family, sobrang technical ko lang siguro mag-isip. I see siblings diverge, separates when they grow old, and it is normal. Idk. Basta feeling ko nasa spot ako ng life na pressured ako to make something out of this little seed of education and myself, and the truth is what if i die anytime, the thruth is I just want to enjoy life and feel every second of it, I have lived my life below restrictions nung student ako and it worked well, thanks to my papa and mama, siblings,,, but i felt like also na a lot of those times, i did not enjoyed it to the fullest, it’s like touching the river with half of my foot, but i never sink my whole body. Ganern, so ngayon gusto ko lang maging masaya, mag-enjoy, to live life to the fullest, kaya nga siguro din nagtry ako nung app haha, looking on what life could offer tapos nagkakape ako at mliktea mag-isa or minsan. However, thru the wisdom of God, thanks to fulltank, before ako magsisi sa huli, they are teaching me, that it is not everything and at some point I should never base my happiness on these material things. I don’t fully understand it, cause masaya ako at nageenjoy gawin yun, but I believe them naman kase i saw other people’s past and present and it is true. Sad lang,  I thought pag graduate ko, I can really enjoy everything, I still have to wait pala. I still need to wait, just like before. This waiting feels so long. Minsan iniisip ko na, bakit kaya ganun. Bakit yung iba na kabatch ko binigay na ng Diyos, matagal na. Di ako naiinggit, iniisip ko lang kung anong meron ako, na He is making me wait for so long.  So, yun gusto ko lang ilabas, I don’t want to put the burden on my friends, they have enough problems on their own, i don’t want to make them sad. 

Lord please help me and guide me, cause i want to be successful in the version of success that You set for me. I have a version in my mind, but later on ko n lang itatype. Thank You!♥

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Hi Tumblr,

After ng last diary ko dito, dumating package ni Kim na earbuds, na-touch ako kase naisip nya ko, akala ko wala na talaga. Pero ginawa nya lang yun kase grateful daw sya, di dahil may gusto sya sakin or intresado. Ilang weeks pa kami tuluy-tuloy nagusap after nun. Nagustuhan ko yung earbuds kase sabi ko sa sarili ko before job di ko afford mabili yun kahit gusto ko haha tas yun yung gift nya. Pero syempre yung thought na ginawa nya yun kahit di sya intresado sakin is nakakatouch. So yun nga diniretso ko na sya last time, kase nabbaliw na ko kakahula. At in my conclusion ay di nya ko bet, maraming reasons at pagod na ko isipin. Nalungkot ako syempre pero alam kong tama naman decision namin. AYOKO NA MAGTRY HUHU kakapagod,,,,,, madami din naman ako mali pero wala kapagod lang, di ko alam kung saan part yung totoo sa lahatttt haha,,, pero sana someday ianswer ni God bakit nya ko pinakilala, pero kung di gusto ni Lord na malaman ko ok lang. 

So yun, sa lovelife, ayokoo na talagaaaa haha, 

Daming laman ng isip ko, sa work, sa future ko, sina Papa at mama, parang bigla ko naiisip na pano ako pag wala na sila, na each coming day we’re getting nearer sa timebomb at natatakot ako, na gusto ko mag-abroad pero ayoko sila iwan, ayoko sila tumanda na mafifeel nila na walang nandun para sa kanila, Tapos pag tinitignan ko sarili ko, pano ako makkarating sa successful na career, ayoko na magdrawing :(, sa family may time na di nila gets, yung financial aspect ko need ko talaga iimprove pero tinatamad ako magdrawing,,,,i’m so tired

Alam ko na mas marami pang malalang problema pero gusto ko lang ilabas na yung mga bagay na to ay may time na dumadapo sa isip ko, pero tuloy lang kahit nahihilo na ko.

So ayun po, what i feel right now is i am mentally tired pero tuloy lang. Looking forward to meet the ends haha, I’d spent so much energy isipin si Kim, he also had given me good vibes ng marami, pero di pala totoo yun haha, nasasad ako pero magmomove on ako at di na ko aasa ng kahit anong romance eme sa kanya. Maybe as friend someday ok lang. At ayoko makahanap muna sa Pinas ng jowa kase i had a lot of dissapointments sa mga nakilala ko dito at sa mga nasaksihan ko na magpartners. At tsaka kase gusto ko someday mag-explore outside, ayoko na maging hindrance yun para magawa ko. Bahala na. 

Lord, sana mafelt po Kita, it’s my prayer ♥ 

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Hi Tumblr,

Last monday nakausap ko si Kim, and THANK YOU LORD. Cause He answered my prayer na malaman ko kung gaano ba katotoo yung nafelt ko kay Kim. And the result is, I think those times we were partly sincere about each other. DI pure na di sincere at di rin pure na sincere. Anyway, the person has dumped me, he realized that besides na mahirap na malayo, he also made me realize that he was never interested on me. He was willing, but I was not the girl that he’ll be so interested about. It does not feel perfectly but I would rather know the truth than to be lied. I understood na di nya nasabi directly, that he tried first. I think the part that I was dissapointed is that I did not realize it sooner, I fell in love with the character that I formed sa isip ko. I thought that he cares for me, looking back I realized that he didn’t. That I care for him more than he cares for me. Maybe sad cause I thought that I was investing, enduring, giving allowance, putting down my pride, kaya ko lang nakeri yun haha kase I thought that I was investing with the right person. And I am not saying that he’s bad. Actually I like him, I appreciate him, I’d always like men who’s smart sa life, who has meaningful reasons sa tingin ko, who are kind, my diskarte and direction sa life, anyway,,, he’s actually ok. But he is not right for me, cause he will not take care of me. He can respect me, but he can’t see his self being there for me. He just won’t be there for me. And giving him the chance to be in my life without teaching him how to earn it, is just wrong. Cause it means that I am settling for less, and less will never be enough and it’s a dead-end. Walang growth. Paikot-ikot lang, katulad nung mga lumipas. I would like to be with somebody who I care for and who also cares for me. Not looking for perfect person naman.  Maybe siguro kung may ok naman sa mga previous, is I think I’d always like people na may mabuting puso. Who were not abusive, and there were just points before that I let them took advantage ng slight na mas gusto ko sila. And i don;t want to repeat those mistakes hopefully. Anyway, I just almost completely realized my mistakes hahaha and that he doesn’t care for me,, I should have listened to him when he dumped me at the first time, pero kung di ko namna sya kinausap di ko din naman malalaman , baka forever kong iniisip na sayang lang, so naanswer naman mga tanong ko. Syempre masakit pero ok na din kase God has just removed him from me, cause He doesn’t want me to be undervalued. I know that it’s not also Kim’s intention, but because he’s inexperience and lost and I tolerated him usually, so di nya namamalayan na he’s making feel unappreciated. It’s my fault, he thought that he’s helping me and being kind to me kapag binibigyan nya ko ng false hope. But it’s wrong.  He’s not helping me at all. I’m not mad at him, I’m dissapointed with myself cause I tolerated the situation. But I forgive myself too, cause I just tried, and the situation is confusing. I was wrong from the very start, I had signals na di nya ko gusto. But he’s also confusung. I learned what I was willing to do for someone that I care about, and sometimes I am just giving myself freely. Di ako hard to get, di kase ako naniniwala doon. I think that’s my difference sa iba, kapag may gusto ako di ako hard to get. I’m not afraid to look pathetic, I think it’s courageous, but I was just keep being attracted to men who doesn’t feel the same. Mali ko ba? Nagkakagusto ako, I think ok naman sila, di nga lang mutual haha. Right now, yes I like to know someone in a meaningful way, share yung life, but the right now and the past years I never had it sucesfully achieved,,, and ngayon that desire is still here pero di na ko dissapointed kung wala pa sya. I’m alone usually, yes, but I rather be alone than to be with someone who lies and does not care and appreciates me. It still makes me sad sometimes, but this is my life and God cares for me, kapag nalulungkot ako He is making me thru it hahah. It’s harder ngayon cause iba na life ko, I don’t have my childhood friends, my college friends, my siblings are older than me and judgemental and I can’t tell everything, malayo si donna at my issues kami na kailangan imanage, my father cannot speak, my mother is not a good listener, I’m not close and open sa bosses ko, all of these triggers my sadness na mag-isa lang ako. But it’s ok cause God is there and I trust him in my solitude, this is my life now and I have to deal with it thru God’s grace. It’s not really easy, sinasabi ko sayo hahhaha but I think that I’m better now than the previous months nung nadump ako ng taong akala kong interesado sa buhay ko. I used to tell him about my life. He’s good na he made me felt and believed that he cares, baka naman he really was, nagbago lang kase narealize nya na. 

So I think since lockdown, I was struggling, mula pa 2018 na feeling ko si papa lang karamay ko, tapos 2019 nagkasakit si papa, tapos lockdown i graduated and part of growing up is di na tulad ng dati college life, I did not realize then that I needed them, that they made my life better, they brought out the best  in me, right now I don’t have yung daily na close deep relationship na everyday mo mafifeel. But I know that God gave me family and kahit na di kami perfect naappreciate ko naman at grateful ako♥  So yes, gusto ko naman sila makasama but at the same time, I really learned a lot, how to handle my relationship with them, kung may makkasakit sakin tremendously it’s them, so natuto na ko and I think I have better boundaries at relationship sa kanila and I would like to maintain it that way kase di na kasing sakit at hirap ng dati. So, i’m good naman. Contented na ko walang jowa, pag nalungkot ako, i’ll just try to think something new and kwento ko n alang sa old friends ko haha and kina ate.

And I will just find myself sa career, and I will take care of my parents. Will try how to invest in myself, para makatulong sa finances namin. THANK YOU LORD♥ YOU’RE THE BEST♥

will try searching myself how to inspire myself, and people around me

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Panaginip

Hi Tumblr,

Ilang araw ko na napapaniginipan si Kim, 23 na ko pero feeling ko immature pa din ako sa lovelife. Anyway, ang saya ko dun sa panaginip ko, kase doon love nya ko. Pero in reality, feeling ko di niya talaga ko gusto. DI naman ako nageexpect ng oa na gusto nya ko kase di pa naman din kami nagmeet in person. Pero we exchanged thoughts and time. I somehow felt that I know a certain part of him and ganun din sya sakin. I think if the person likes u, he will make a way to be in your life. That he can assure u na gusto ka niya. All those time I have doubts na di nya ko gusto and i took it for granted cause i am giving him allowance cause new lang naman. Mas mali kung gustonggusto ka na niya. Idk, basta I conclude na di nya talaga ko gusto, and even though it is painful just like the previous people na naramdaman ko to, It’s ok. Sana lang makamove on na ko sa kanya, mawala na yung nafifeel ko towards sa kanya. Katulad ng pagkawala ng feelings ko kina Mark at Kenneth nung narealize ko na di ako yung para sa kanila at gusto nila mashare ng slight sa life nila. Drama ko ba huhu. Ewan haha. Sana within this yr makamove on ako :( Tsaka ayoko pa makakilala ng nasa Pinas din sa ngayon, wala na kong gusto at tiwala sa mga kabatch ko dito.

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What is my calling?

Hi!

Lately, I feel like I was looking for something. I feel unmotivated and lazy about my work. Pero kung iisipin ko sobrang thankful ako sa company dahil nirerespeto nila ako at iniintindi mga weakness ko bilang new employee. Pero parang di na sapat yung gratefulness ko lately para maging ok sa trabaho. Mas mahirap pa nga yung tasks ko nung nag-aaral pero ngayon di pa din ako ganun kapursigido. I don’t feel on fire sa ginagawa ko. Oo nagdedesign pero, pag tinatanong ko sarili ko, 10 yrs from now na paulit-ulit ko tong gagawin. Nadedepress ako. Feeling ko na di ako excited kahit makarating na ko dun, at feeling ko since college na di ako magaling. Di naman ako hard na kailangan perfect pero I believe na God created us para maging best sa particular calling natin. If I will only have one life, I want to use it to produce very good quality of things to bless others.Yung maiinspire yung ibang tao sa bagay na yun. But here sa architecture, I am a mediocre. Yung basta meron oks na,  seeing these construction companies para makaproduce ng pera at magprofit, di sapat para mainspire ako. Basta di ako magaling, alam ko yun sa sarili ko, I am a responsible and passionate person pero I am lost here. Di ko alam identity ko dito. Di ko alam kung para ko dito, pero sa future wala kong goal kung ano ako sa career na to. I am aware sa mga matataas na positions or sa mga opportunities (contractor, pm, const. manager, designer, senior architect) pero di ako excited, wala kong nararamdaman, if ever na maabot ko yung mga yun, feeling ko pipilitin ko kayanin pero di pa din ako magiging fulfilled sa sarili ko. Basta siguro feeling ko dito sa archi, di ako naiinspire na makatulong sa iba. 

Narealize ko din na di ko pala alam na dumadaan ako currently sa Quarter-Life crisis. Grabe unmotivated talaga ko sa mga ginagawa ko sa trabaho. Pero paano if this is the only best choice that I have now.  Isipin ko na for the next 8 yrs, unlike nung hs ako na i had many reasons or motivations para makatapos. Ngayon anong motivation ko? Anong fulfillment ko sa sarili  ko pagdating sa career aspect, kung wala naman ako makitang goal sa sarili ko sa career na to na excited at magaling ako. 

Sa ngayon I need to continue this path until magkalicense ako at makaabroad para makaipon, and I hope na magkachance ako na malaman soon kung ano ba talagang gusto kong maging pagdating sa career. I am thankful sa kung nasan na ko ngayon sa archi but di ko talaga maalis na malungkot pag nafifeel ko na di ako para dito. Kahapon narealize ko lang to and parang i let myself admit na di ako para dito. And pag iniisip ko sa future na magkakachance ako malaman kung ano talagang gusto ko, it gives me hope na magiging mas masaya ako sa ginagawa ko and mas makakapagbless ako ng ibang tao. I think yun naman yung essence ng calling natin, it is to bless others in a amazing way.

I really don’t know pano ako makakarating don, but maybe i need to admit first na di talaga ko para sa archi habang maaga pa. Baka pinadaan lang ako dito ni Lord. Idk why? Idk kung para saan Niya ko ginawa. Ang challenge ko right now is paano ko kakayanin na maging architect kung wala dito yung heart ko. Ang hirap ibigay yung bagay na wala ka. Nadidissapoint ako at nadidissapoint ko sila. How Lord? 

1. Don’t focus sa job, focus sa overall na pwede kong gawin sa life ko para mamotivate ako sa future.

2. Try to appreciate and seek inspirations sa industry na ‘to to give yourself good reasons na di sayang yung natutunan mo sa archi. Paano mainspire?

3. Don’t be hard on yourself, kung di ka magaling. Gawin mo pa din kahit na di perfect.

4. Accept na di ito ang calling ko, stepping stone lang to, and the more na di ako nagsastop at tinutuloy ko padin maglakad dito kahit na torture sakin the more na lumalapit ako sa chance na magawa ko kung san talaga ako magaling at mageenjoy at mas makakabless ng ibang tao.

5. Pray for God’s wisdom and help♥

6. Use this time para hanapin at isipin kung ano talagang gusto kong career.

Thank You Lord for liberating me from the pressure na nilalagay ko sa sarili ko pag pinipilit ko na maging magenjoy at maging magaling dito. THANK YOU!♥

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Why God designed relationships?

Hi Tumblr!

Ito nanaman ako nagdadiary haha, I feel like I really need to. :) I am not perfectly happy right now but I feel better than the last time that I wrote. And thank You Lord for it ♥ 

Looking at my life right now, nagpapasalamat ako sa trabaho, financial at sa sitwasyon ng pamilya, esp. kay Papa na wala syang ubo masyado. I am really grateful for all of these.

Buong b’wan since nagstop kami mag-usap ni Kim, everyday ako nag-iisip about sa kanya. Last time chinat ko sya, pinaalam ko yung letter dumating at nagreply s’ya. Inexplain nya bakit ganun decision nya. Buti na lang inexplain nya, mas ok. Di ko maintindihan sarili ko, bat ganun yung impact sakin. DI pa din ako completely move on. Pero naiintindihan ko naman sya. Di ko alam kung shallow lang ba ko kaya di pa din ako get over, kung isip-bata pa kase ako pag dating sa ganto. But I was so genuine then, I know that I have always tried to do the right decision. I tried to balance stuff. 

Pero kung iisipin ko, mabuti namang tao sya. He was respectful to me, and he was so simple and I love it. He never made me felt that my life was nothing, kahit na magkaiba kami ng mga bagay bagay. At least worth it naman yung short encounter namin. And it was happy I could say. Ang malungkot dun if the “truth”, is  what if  it was not mutual and ONLY God knows. But for now, I believe naman ng 70 % na it matters to him. Kase kung di naman, edi sana di na nya ko binigyan ng explanation divahhh. 

I still wonder what kind of person he is and what is the difference if we know each other in person. Are we going to be friends kung same world kami. And another thing that makes me sad, is there is a big possibility na we’ll never have that chance anymore :(. 

First, I’m too young,  there is a life ahead of me, my life  right now and for the coming years is about building a good foundation for my career na pagdating ko ng 30′s may stable na kong sources of income (di nya ko kayang hintayin until 30′s or ng 7 years HABANG LDR, what kind of relationship ang mabubuo namin). 

Second, di ako pupunta NGAYON or soon doon para mag-asawa, my reason of going there is more than that. He was not the main reason, myself is the main reason and I knew it even before we met di ko lang sinabi sa kanya ng maliwanag. I want him to be one of  the reasonnsss of going there,  if we’re right for each other. (he also said this to me sa last message nya, nagtugma din sa reasons ko). 

THIRD, di lang talaga kami for each other. Ang sad naman nun haha, tinatanong ko pa din kay Lord, if we’re not meant to be why do I need to meet him. For lessons, test sa akin, to know myself better, to use him as my inspiration, to realize my life right now,,, etc. IDK nababaliw na ko

Ang dali na lang sana tanggapin, kase malayo naman talaga, but I had always Hope and faith at my heart that this was really possible. Pero my reality is not. Kahit baligtarin ko sarili ko, I can’t take to leave the life I have here ngayon or soon IDK. And I don’t want na mag-asawa ng maaga at 25, di ko alam. My parents need me right now. 

IDK what I feel, my brain knows all of the possible reasons bat hindi, but my heart is yes go go go pwede naman talaga,, nakadepende sa kanya, pero sinagot na nya eh,, he can’t take the other option na maghintay,,, it’s too long, he needed someone na nandun kasama nya, nahahawakan at nakakausap nya in person, napagshesharean nya ng buhay nya, 33 na sya after 7 years, idk, and he won’t bring me there ngayon para asawahin nya, dahil bata pa ko  for marriage. I won’t also take that path kung iisipin ko cause I learned from my siblings. What kind of family ang bubuuhin ko sa ganung setup. I don’t want to take the chance of creating a beautiful family away  from myself. I deserve more than that.

Lord, if this is not for me please help my heart and mind to move on from this. To get over. To stop hoping sa future magkikita at magtatry pa ulit. Cause I think it’s not healthy na ispend ko ang coming years na naghohope pa din sa kanya. I want to continue dreaming and gawin kung ano lang kaya ko now para makapunta doon or saan man na gusto ko ipagtry na ibang lugar for growth. But if hoping for him is not worth it, please help me to move on, I can’t do this on my own. I really want to ♥ But if You want me to hope, please guide me or please help me Lord. I surrender this to You, because I trust Your decision with my life. 

I pray na sana makita ni Kim yung answer sa hinahanap nya, I pray for his joy and well-being. at sa sarili ko din syempre. Almost all my life, I have this idk in myself that I want to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone. It never went away. And now Lord, looking at my life, that desire won’t fit. But it’s still here, why it won’t go away.

Lord, You said that I can only have that “someone”, if 1st I have a good relationship with You, fam/friends, and myself. It means that I should still work on those right now that’s why what’s best for me is to be single now. And I would be really willing to obey You, if that’s what best for me. But why You won’t take this “desire to be with someone” away. Why can’t I just live my life right now without it? Cause ang hirap po. I felt like I was not fulfilling that desire, are humans were designed this way Lord? It feels like buying a racing car but using it as service car. Idk po if this is one of the reasons that sometimes I feel sad and empty. Why am I still trying. Lord, if singleness is Your decision for me I’ll be thankful for it. But is asking You to take away that ‘’desire’‘ will solve this sadness and emptiness. This desire to have a deep connection with  a specific person. Why can’t I have all at the same time, You, fam,friends and him? 

Idk,  I just realize all of these lately, like Kim, he has this desire to share his life with somebody. Unfortunately, we’re far. The point is, why do we feel this need to share, this big curiosity, yung belief na it will add joy to our lives, to have somebody to share life with. Bakit di na lang kami maging masaya na single for life dibaaa. 

I still don’t know my answer to the question. Do I have this desire because I really want to share myself with someone or this desire isn’t real, it is just a by-product or my so-think solution to patch  the other broken areas of my own life.

Actually, lately I also realized, na nasa stage na pala ko ng life na maliban sa family, wala na kong nakakausap masyado. Yung age ko at pandemic has brought me to this position na wala kong circle of friends na lagi kasama para mashare ng araw-araw. Yes, my family is there, but di ko masabi lahat kase busy and ganun talaga pag fam eh. So, mostly ako lang.

Isipin ko for the coming years, wala ko makakausap outside fam, na close ko. Yung may deep connection ka. Kase nung college, feeling ko tao pa din ako kase I have develop deep connection with others outside fam. Pero ngayon, di ko naman close katrabaho ko. DI ko masabi lahat. ,I miss that feeling na may kaibigan ka, unconditional love na iexpress sarili mo and yung maramdaman mo na nagcoconnect kayo. Yung relationship na nag-gogrow and nagflufluorish, masarap atmasya sa feeling. I don’t know how to imagine life ahead na wala ng ganun. Ang lungkot lang, cause it can be happier. Idk

So relationships are important, humans were designed to have a beautiful relationships. I am designed. That is why if we lack of good relationships, we feel empty and sad. Cause this is how God designed us. But of course, the most important relationship is the relationship with God. Because at the end of the day, lahat mawawala, family and friends will leave us, even our own children may leave us. Siya lang matitira. And for now I think I still have a lot to work on with my relationship with God. 

Lord and hirap naman po, napakabroad po ng definition, and it is so deep na di ko alam kung san magsisimula and di ko pa alam kung ready na ba ako. I’m sorry po cause I know there are people in my life na di ko pa pinapatawad at ayoko pa din makasama. I mean nagcool off na ko ng konti, IDK po.  Pero pag naiisip ko nga po, yumg future ko, pag wala na sila mama at papa. Yes, I have siblings and friends but, I already learned hanggang saan expectation ko and it looks like kulang sila. Idk what my life would be, it’s just so sad. Ako na lang mag-isa.  To whom will I live for po. I am designed to live more than just for myself. I have big capacity to extend towards others, because You created me this way. 

Lord, Ikaw na po bahala sa akin. I don’t know how. But I am so tired of thinking how my life will turn out. I will just do what I can and I surrender my life to how You want it to be. Cause I trust You more than I trust myself. Sorry if sometimes I am not patient with Your answers but thank You Lord anyway ♥ To You be the Highest Glory♥

Before saving, I re-read all of the paragraphs, and I realized that my relationship with Kim, we have good and beautiful reasons why we wanted it to work on, but my priorities, my age ngayon at ang age nya sa future  and mostly our locations, are hindering us to grow a beautiful and meaningful relationship. Kumbaga, hindi sya lalago, we won’t be both happy kung ngayon itutuloy namin. It will not grow and fluourish. Something that does not grow won’t survive. TRelationships are suppose to be fruitful and growing to be worthy. My 2 questions right now, why do I have to meet him and second what can I do with my life right now to feel myself again? I hope someday I could answer that question I leave it to God♥

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DOES UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REALLY EXISTS OUTSIDE FAM AND FRIENDS?

Tonight I am writing at 5 am at the morning, 4 hours ago I was rejected by a person I’ve known for a month. He is special, i think so, I think he is a good person and he has more to bring in this world. I am too tired to think the main reason why he broke up with me (getting to know stage pa lang), cause i am not sure about the reason he told me. I listened to Bro. Bo’s Fulltank. I tried to sleep but I was awaken by my thoughts. All i felt was  the pain, and i can’t pinpoint why. Technically, it’s just a month, we even did not even saw each other in person yet. But from the stories we shared to each other, I believe he is a good person. His lola was also a stroke patient, his dad got an accident and became paralyzed, he grew up without an example of what a man is like, he also been in a situation where i am in now. He grew up in a place where his culture and physical appearance is much different than most of the people he interact with. He is smart and when his lola was brought to Ph, he did his best to be there for her even if he’s in states. He stayed by her side, i think so. And all of those are example of love. A love that is for a lot of people would be harder to understand if they did not experience it by themselves. 

When we met, he said that, he thinks that he was not trying enough to go out and to connect with a person. Back then I felt that He is somehow decisive to try hard for it. Unfortunately, his courage and initiative to do what he thinks he should be doing was finally over. He wants to be by his self and he does not want to get out more of his comfort zone and stretch out everything he could just to make things work. ( I think that’s one of the reason that made me sad, cause he just stop at that point cause that’s what’s more comfortable for him)

Because I had a lot of experiences that was not able to survive the getting to know stage, i have somehow a part of me that is eager to make this work. Even if that means being uncomfortable, compromising, giving the person an allowance to make mistakes, to forgive, to try not being perfect but just enjoying life and what can we have for now.  AND MAYBE I TRIED IT because I came from a situation where I learned to just enjoy and be happy of the things that I have and can Have than forcing things that are not under my control like my family’s characters, my job, the important things that I had once. So I think that’s the reason that I went out “there”, tried to be happy and enjoy what life can offer.

Fast forward, tonight was the result of trying to be out ‘there’’, it is sad cause when I let my gates be opened, there was a part of me that filtered him and tried to look if he is the person that I want to have a future with. And in my mind it was possible, we’ll have a life there at US, I’ll support him and he’ll support me. Just simple life, we’ll try to work things out etc. 

Right now, as we ended, after all the good vibes that I had for a month, my mind remembered the main real reason why I was sad. My heart made me remembered what was the best kind of love that God has put in my heart since I was a child, He used my father’s love to make me experience it. That was the best love I had in my life. I think subconciously, my heart is longing for that love which is now limited by my papa’s condition. I can’t blame the rest of the family for not giving me that “care”, cause love is not forced and it is just natural. 

When my father got stroked I felt like I won’t be able to receive that kind of love again from anyone, even from my mom. It was so genuine, that even if my mind gradually forgets it because of our ever transforming lives, my heart still does. And I miss  my papa’s care each day of my life. And I thank God for making me know that kind of thing in my life through my father.

Maybe, when I went out there to know Kim, there is a part of me that took risk to believe that there is another kind of unconditional love. That it is possible even if there are differences. I chose to be positive at the situation and ask myself  that just for now try  to believe in this kind of love.  I may  be even created because my parents took risk to believe it. I just don’t know, all I know is that I can’t control him and my intention was so genuine. 

Right now, I have to ask again myself every morning, to whom I wake up for. My answer is for my parents who deserve to be loved and for my future family who also deserve the best in life. My worry is that there are many times that I’m drained, that I am exhausted, that I want to be the one who receives love like I used to. It’s hard to be a better person if u forget that u are worth it too. My siblings were all grown up, my mom she has her own world, and I am all by myself again trying to give self-love. 

Lord thank YOU, cause even though I don’t feel perfectly ok everyday, You are my strength to carry on this unfair life and You in certain ways make me feel I’m important too. I love You Lord♥

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Sliver Linings

This is another day of my life that is foggy and gray, I know that sooner and later I have to forgive, but right now I just can’t. I had moved on with the ugly past, what haunts me is the pressure to forgive someone who never admitted and felt sorry. Who always played victim of the situations, always putting the blame to others and never took responsibility of their own mistakes. However, that is her decision and honestly I don’t want to care anymore as long as she don’t mess with my life. I just hoped that she realized that her decisions sacrificed a lot of relationships, good if the relationship she tried to save is worthy of all of this. Or maybe she will never realize that for some stupid reasons.

Moving on, I want to emphasize what I have today, this pressure that I am feeling because I belong to this family. What I hope is that they understand me as much as they understand her, because that is not what the feeling they conveyed to me. Because of what happenned, I have tested who are the one who will be there for me. I have tested who knows me better. It has shown me who truly cares. I can’t trust and open up anymore. I can’t smile and let words out of me because I felt like I already know their responses. I can’t be happy because I can’t trust completely.  The feeling of being misunderstood and having no one but yourself.  

I deserved to be understood and my reasons were real, not completely right, but they caused me pain and she doesn’t have the right to judge my future because she had never done anything to make my life a better one. I tried to understand her despite her bad decisions. She was wrong to tolerate that kind of person to be with her life and worse tolerating him to run away from his responsibilities and took advantage of living with us. He chose his comfort and left them because he does not care enough of his own family. I know that he has his own reasons but taking advantage of my parents were definitely not the answer for his problems. I can’t take that fact that my sister has greater love for him (who is not really deserving ) than for her parents who are old and weak. I just can’t take that, I know that I am not a perfect daughter but I know my parents deserve respect. She doesn’t have the right to say that her decision is right, because it sacrificed a lot of important relationships, her relationship with my father. But it’s her lost. I also can’t forgive how my mother did not defend me and papa, she tolerated them who are not really deserving. That person wont be the one for her at her worst, because that person only cared for his self because he is broken just before he came to us. 

I hope my sister was smarter and loves herself enough to choose not to be with that person. He is not really deserving and he brought that damage to his children who also do not deserve all the pain he caused. Every time I think of that person all I feel is hate and  disapointment  with my sister for always choosing that person  and also  choosing not to have the courage to love herself enough. If she chose to tolerate that man, I just wished that she also cared for her parents and younger siblings not putting them in a place where  she can let the man take advantage because it hurts my father and me who had nowhere place else to be. I know it because I witnessed my father that  disapointment  and trouble. They brought trouble to our lives and did not even have the courage to say sorry.

This is a  part of me that is so deep, and I don’t have anyone to share to because my family did not gave me what I need. The “understanding” and support I am expecting, not the pressure and judgment.

So back to present, what have I really lost? I lost my greatest emotional support, my father because he is old, weak and sick, making my life harder to live with each day. I miss the way he was, the way he cared for me, but his situation now made me loved him even more because I realized better what is his importance to me. I lost my faith and trust with my mother and siblings, they won’t choose to have an extra heart to understand and listen to me. 

After everything and sometimes I try to  look at the future. If the time that my father is not there anymore, who would be there for me? (Of course  my siblings would take care of my if I become pwd, but do I have to be that worst to be understood. ) It’s the sad curiosity that makes me sad at the future, that right now looking to that day, I’ll have no one because today and the yesterday there is and was just one person who loved me unconditionally and that is my father. I thank him for the love that he planted on my heart back at the time that he still can. 

That love has what made me make it though each day and the love that I want to give someday if already have my own family.

I know that my family is not perfect and I should forgive them, me staying at this house shows that I am trying, but also being here does not mean that I will let them hurt me again and again. I wish I have a bigger heart to say I already forgot and forgiven all of these but no I don’t have.

I think the silver lining in all of these is that a lot of times I felt like God sees me at my sadness and tells me that He knows and He cares. That I was able to understand and love myself even if everyone don’t. To see the bigger picture. To appreciate more what I had in the past, to avoid the person that I don’t want to be. To carry on each day, even if life is rough and not perfect. To have faith and have hope and push myself everyday. So these are the silver linings of my life today that I need to remind myself.

AJA!

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Kabiguan

There are times in your life that u feel sad, na may kulang, but everybody wants, pressure and expect u to not think about it and move on. Naniniwala naman ako doon, pero for me bago ka dumating sa part na yun kailangan mo maunawaan sa sarili mo kung bakit mo nararamdaman iyon. I used to believe that only your family can make u happy, and as I grow older I started to question this belief. Why are the same people dissapoint me so much and somehow unintentionally make u feel alone. The past year I was hurtng so much, I was alone, kahit na ang dami-dami namin sa bahay. I was comfortable opening up my feelings with my siblings when I was younger. Then gradually I repeatedly saw  these signs that I can’t anymore. It seems that they my feelings were not valid and may problema sa akin. It’s just sad that little by little, naging fragile ako sa lahat ng rejections na nareceived ko. I almost believed the definition of myself was how they define me.  I had to pick each piece of my broken self to be better today. 

I already had these signs that I am not ok, since bata, that I was not really ok how things were. I just don’t had the courage to face and show them. Almost 3 years ago,  my greatest source of emotional support, who made me feel I am worthy somehow sa mundong ‘to, had stroke. Our lives had a huge shift since then, his ability to walk and speak were affected. The one person,  despite his pride and masculinity , had loved me more than anyone had made me felt.  And mas narealize ko lang yun, ngayon na I don’t receive that care as much as before. My life is a lesser place kung wala si papa. The sad thing was some of my siblings did not gave me the chance to feel my sadness while going through this part ng buhay ko. They did not acknowledge my feelings. They told me to di makamove on, wag ma-attach, kaya ko din yan. All those stuff. Those words were not really important for me, but it just made me sad and dissapointed with them again and again and I need to fix myself again. 

Witnessing the most important person for u being at the sunset of their lives is not easy. I tried to be always there para kay papa, sabi ko sa sarili ko na I don’t  ever want to make him feel alone as he go through  this. Kase di na sya makapagsalita, so di niya masabi yung nararamdaman nya inside, yung alam mo na buong buhay mo nasa kama ka na lang at nasa loob ng bahay. Despite these I learned to be positive and appreciate his life. Atlis di sya nagdadialysis, atlis kasama namin sya, atlis nakakakita sya etc. Everyone were moving on with their lives and malungkot makita mo yung yung tatay mo na di mo na sya makkasama sa future kahit sobrang gusto mo. So I learned that every day na kasama namin sila is precious and priceless. Another thing that made me sad is lahat ng ‘to wala ko masabihan. I tried before but I they told me not to be sad and did not gave me the chance para iprocess to. So, I never opened this up again. My mother, she is a complicated person, so do I. I expected her na siya yung magiging andyan para sa’kin ngayon na  my father was so limited. I had more dissapointments sa buhay ko but I decided to forgive her ‘cause I know na di na sya magbabago ng para lang sakin and because she needs more my understanding and care more than I need her.

What I did while facing all of this, for many times, pumunta sa mga trusted friends. I was really thankful and felt loved with them. They were going with their own storms but they were there for me, more than material things. I also let go of the pressure of what my siblings thought of me. I did not let their thoughts control my decisions anymore. I decided that I want to be happy, to do things with integrity not because of their acknowledgment, and mostly  because God loves me and I love  myself and one real person has believed and loved me. Iniisip ko yung future own family ko to motivate me, the things that unnecessary for them to go through. I don’t want them to experience the inequalities in a family and they have to be “this or that” to have the right na mapakinggan at maging importante. To be honest, at the beginning while I was going through this, I used to believe that God didn’t love as much as He does with others. That He seemed just want me to do this, forgive him or forgive her, etc.., I thought that He was that kind of God. My siblings ridiculed me for being religiously hypocrite for posting verses online but can’t forgiving someone. They insulted my faith without having a personal/ close relationship with me. They did it in front of the whole family. I feel pity for them for doing that, ‘cause it proved that me as their sister, they don’t really know my personality. They were just my “ sisters” because I don’t had choice. Going back, subconsiously I thought God was like my siblings, because I grew up in a family were my older siblings were the “highest”, my parents had to ask persmission from them in almost everything they do, I had subconsiously in my mind that they were the most important persons in my life, someone I had to please, to copy, what would they say is really important, so every single word they say affects me a lot, seeing my parents had a lot of respect with them and tried their best not to offend them,,,,,, so again subconsiously I thought that my siblings’ opinion were right even though my heart know it’s not and maybe God would also thinks the same.

Sadly, I decided not to tell these stuff, I once told my closest family member before but because of some stuff, she rejected my thoughts. I was dissapointed really before, but I notice that she’s not the perfect person to tell this because of the “utang na loob” to my siblings. I decided to go low-key as I try to fix and love myself and just get this need from the people who are willing to, and have faith that Jesus was, is and will always be there. Today, I’m still not perfectly fine but I think I was better than yesterday, so I try to rejoice with that. I learned so many things, but if I were to be asked right now, I don’t regret telling them how I feel, I should have said them sooner. My mistake was how I told them. My dissapointments were having these expectation, that “I” was as important to be understood and listened to and that they were to understand because they are my “family”. So I guess, for now, family is not which u were born to but they are the one decided to understand and love u for who u are.

For the future times  that I will be sad and feel all of this again. I pray that I will be better at handling these, that I will have the wisdom to decide what’s best for me and the situation. I pray that though today is a foggy and gray, the best part of life is yet to come and I don’t know how but God will give me more people who will love and I can love without doubt.  I pray that someday, I will overcome all of this and be happier than I was ever before.

I am writing this for all of the people who are going through the same thing, I hope this would tell u that “You are not alone.”, we have to go through this but we are going to be happy and be better versions of ourselves because God sees and loves us and even one real person in this world had really loved us is enough and we love ourselves.!!! Fighting, aja!