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Phenomena

The brain is something I've come to try and educate myself about in the last few years. I've read books about those who've made it their lives to analyze the human brain and even those who have suffered massive strokes. As someone who has struggled with mental health and continues to into my adult years I've often felt anger and frustration with my neuroanatomy. But in all of that I've learned to have a love/hate relationship (I'm trying to get to just a love relationship). The mind is so incredibly fascinating! I'm able to experience being in love, I can differentiate between the summer sun and the touch of a river's waters. I enjoy the sensation of being caressed by my partner. I can experience the weight of the world when I listen to certain pieces of music that allow me the feeling of being a small part of a greater awareness. I also feel complete happiness and calm when I touch my beloved pets. At the same time, my brain can be overstimulated and sometimes not in the positive ways we wish. Our minds have the capability to feel great pain and for that I couldn't make peace with what was happening upstairs. I wanted to be happy and I couldn't understand why I didn't feel it. Instead, I've allowed this negativity to become an opportunity to explore my amazing mind which is a phenomena I hope to love and create a friendship with because I'm an amazing force to be recognized.

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Officially a member of the American Federation of Musicians aka the union!

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When I agreed to play for a family memeber's wedding I figured it'd be like all the others I've played for which is mostly traditional stuff. That's why I would never accept payment from a family member. But when you request Allison Kraus, the Zombies, and a Beethoven piano sonata LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY .........just don't

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I thought I'd be brave today and try on this really cute cream colored swimsuit...

bad idea. ending up on the floor of the dressing room.

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I think I'm finished with this presentation...I keep looking over things and making sure I didn't forget to highlight a tone cluster or a quartal chord.

I actually have a sore throat from reading my script aloud because I'm convinced I don't have 20 minutes worth of material.

Sweet. Jesus.

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Woke up to a snow covered downtown and Lake Michigan is shimmering like diamonds the way the sun is shining. I've accepted that Spring just doesn't exist.

I've been thinking about how hard it is to stand up for your needs. Its an awfully scary thing to do because 1) It obviously makes you vulnerable just by saying you "need" something and 2) It's terrifying to demand something of someone because there is no guarantee that person will be willing to meet your needs.

I think I slept about 4 hours last night but my plan is to energize with some meditation, a work out, and coffee. Life is just too short not to want to move forward all the time. Every morning I'm thankful that I have that opportunity to make a choice to move forward, no matter what.

I feel strangely proud of myself? And this post was a pure regurgitation of thought. Oops.

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I'm not entirely sure what possessed me to do a formal presentation on a work by Charles Ives (other than I love it). My brain is having a hard time trying to organize all the ideas about polytonality and cumulative form.

It's only 6 and a half minutes of complicated bliss. I better get an A.

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You can't see the wall of windows I'm looking out of right now, but it's a panoramic view from the 22nd floor overlooking Lake Michigan except the only thing I can see are seagulls flying in and out of this crazy fog.

My pandora radio is set to John Adams and Erik Satie stations.

I feel really far away from people today (go figure).

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I really wanna' lay in bed, eating a bowl of trader joe's brand spaghetti o's with someone I love. I'm not even picky. It could be my best friends or my boyfriend, but all of the above preferably.

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I love quinoa. I can't get enough. My boyfriend ozzadnar doesn't know it yet, but we're going to be eating a lot of quinoa this summer.

*sneaky gf*

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Took the train to get coffee today. Everything is all messed up on the blue line lately due to accidents and construction. At least it's nice out.

Walked in and just as I was about to order one of my chamber music coaches was standing right beside me and gave me a funny "hello". I apologized for not recognizing him and said I needed coffee. Which he replied, "Well that's what we do here! Coffee will help you recover from that coaching yesterday."

har. har. har. Too many swift kicks in the ass just make for a tired girl.

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And fuck yeah--Trudy just turned into a BAMF

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Ugh, all I can say is that I hate Don for cheating on Megan. She was the best thing that ever happened to him and now I just hope he gets lung cancer.

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I've been thinking a lot about fairness and how unfair that is. We all hope that those who work the hardest, the ones that persevere despite all odds, are the ones who are rewarded - but how does that work if we all think we're the hardest workers? Right.

As a kid, I was forced to play recitals in ridiculous frilly gowns as part of a pre-concert to my parents orchestra in the dress circle. As a kid, I practiced diligently and excelled at a fast rate simply because I wasn't aware of this unfairness. Once I noticed that and those around me, performing got harder. I had a few horrific moments of walking on stage and being so afraid that I'd crumble in tears. Other players weren't nice or things just got messier the older I got.

It was hard to swallow this as a young kid but it's just as hard if harder as an adult considering the stakes are higher. I guess while thinking about how crushing unfairness is, I hope I'm able to protect my children from that to some degree. I really hope I show them how to be carefree and that others approval or disapproval holds no weight. I just hope my kid is a jammin' piano player who likes to finger paint and laugh.

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Gonna' take this Sunday to soak up the warmest day since November and ride the train around to Lincoln Park to drink coffee and shop. This is all in celebration of my practice hours yesterday (overlooking the sears tower i might add) that showed that my mojo is indeed back and I can play some Pag like a motherfucker.

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Bought a veggie delight for dinner and a bottle of pino noir reserve. That is all.

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Scrambling to find a computer to write this tumblr post because I'm still waiting for my new mac charger to be delivered.

If you asked me which musician I look up to the most, I'd say my dad. I'm not sure it's just because he's my dad but because of all the stories he's told me, how humbling it is to hear about his success, the people he's met, how passionate he is about music, and his overall grace on stage. I know parents are supposed to believe in their kids no matter what but it's different when he believes in me. I had a mini panic attack yesterday when he suggested I take a private audition for a sub spot and it seems absolutely crazy to me but he thought it was perfectly sensible.

I guess there's no harm in trying and if anything, I'd be proud of myself for trying. I keep telling people that trying is what matters and yet I still have a hard time staying committed to the ultimate struggle of trying every day.