stilliamgrowing-blog

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 17, 2017 10:51am

i’ve been busy these last few days, but in my opinion its better to be busy than just sitting around doing nothing. and a lot of my being busy is related to my personal improvement. i find myself in a constant state of self doubt, and i’m working towards filling myself with self love. 

sunday, i had a nice, calm morning. after sleeping in a bit, writing, and making breakfast, i watched some netflix and talked to D once he woke up. then, i spent some time organizing my schedule, putting together a daily/ weekly checklist or idea list of things i want to do to help me accomplish my goal of self acceptance. things like “tea tuesday” where i drink at least three cups of tea. or “self love sunday” where i dedicate the day to myself - be it a bath or a face mask or a pedicure. anyways, i did that for a while, then wrote down daily yoga exercises i’d like to do. i wrote down a bunch that’s good for morning time, then cut them out and put them in a jar. i’m hoping i’m motivated each morning to pull out five and do them. i’m going to make a jar for yoga poses before bed as well, and one for at home workouts, but i haven’t gotten around to doing that yet. 

after organizing things, i took a shower, then my mom came and picked me up. we went to target, where i bought some things to organize my room better (more drawers, a tub for my extra socks, etc.) then her and i headed to the gym. first, let me say, my new gym is SO NICE. its huge. i can’t even describe it. it has three large rooms all full of work out equipment, a pool, a hot tub, a “zen zone” for massages, yoga classes, physical therapy, a sauna, etc. and other rooms scattered throughout the building for different exercise classes. so anyways, we worked out separately after she showed me around. i did some lower and upper body workouts, then spent about ten minutes on the elliptical. it felt good to be sweating and its been so long since i actually worked out that my muscles were sore almost instantly. 

after our short workout, we went to a yoga class. it was a nice way to end the night, though i had a hard time with some of the positions. i’ll work my way up to being able to do them eventually though, i know. after our yoga, we got dinner together. she got a veggie and tofu bowl, and i got a salmon poke bowl. it was good and just what i needed after working out. then, we stopped by my uncle’s house, to pick up a shelf unit he said i could have. its perfect, makes for better organization in my room, and the wood matches my dresser and bed frame. i put candles and books on it for now, but i want plants on it at some point too. 

after she helped me carry my stuff into my room, my mom left. i had about an hour to clean my room up and put things away, then my sister and her mom came over. they helped me hang up the artwork my sister and i got on friday night, then stayed and talked for about an hour. its so nice being close to family. 

after they left, D and i skyped. he had a migraine and was super grumpy, which made me grumpy, and we went to bed grumping at each other. but the next morning everything was back to normal and we were as lovey-dovey as always.

yesterday morning, my sister picked me up. i woke up two minutes AFTER she texted me “on my way” and i swear i’ve never gotten ready so fast in my life. i showered, got everything in my purse, got dressed, and did my make up in her car. her and i parked downtown and walked around for a bit, then found a nice little coffee shop where i was able to get a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. then, we walked down to the middle of downtown, where everyone was meeting. we were going to march in the MLK march, which walks through the down, ends at the college, and has different speeches by people. it was cold but it was actually still really fun. i got a bunch of cool pictures on my camera. i’ve been meaning to shoot more anyway. and it was cool to meet my sister’s friends since she always has had to hang out with mine. 

after the march, my sister and i walked back to her car. she drove us to my house, where we changed into bathing suits with the intention of going to my gym and using the hot tub. however, i guess if i have a guest with me they have to be 18 or over, and she isn’t. so we just went back to my house and she dropped me off. i made myself a lunch of tuna with crackers, a stick of cheese, and leftover sesame chicken and rice. it was pretty good. then my step dad came by to meet me because he wants me to learn how to use the bus. so him and i took the bus from my house, to a little shopping center/ food area about a mile or so from my house. we got some appetizers, i wasn’t too hungry and the place we chose was kind of expensive anyway. only, he left his bike on the rack on the bus, which turned into this huge big ordeal and he was stressed the whole time (he got his bike back). we took the bus back to my house, where we parted ways. i went inside and changed (my mom and i had planned on going to heated yoga at 6), and uploaded the pictures from my camera onto my laptop. my parents came back by around 5:40 and the three of us headed to the gym. 

heated yoga was sooooo fun! and i felt so good after. i could literally feel all of the energy in my body buzzing and working. like how atoms move faster when they heat up, it was almost like i could feel that. and my muscles felt so stretched and loose afterwards too. i felt better mentally and physically. my step dad chose not to join us for yoga, and just worked out on the equipment and free weights instead.

we all met up after the class was done, around 7:05, and went to a little cafe they have in the gym. we all got protein smoothies. they were pretty good. they dropped me off at home and my mom came in to see how much i’d accomplished with my room. she said it looked like night and day from when she’d seen it last, and it really does. i love my room a lot. after she left, i called D on Skype, and we were on for about two hours. it was a lot of fun and i was reminded once again how much i love him. first, we talked a bit about our days and such and got distracted with random things. him and i can talk and talk and talk, which i love, but is bad when we have things to do. we finally got our shit together and watched an episode of Parks and Rec. i kept looking up to see him smiling, staring at me, and i swear i still have butterflies, even after how much time has gone by. 

after our episode, we started to get playfully dirty, then serious dirty, and it was nice honestly. i don’t want to go into detail, but we were both generally satisfied after. it would’ve been better if he was here in person, but for what we’re working with it was wonderful. and he never, ever fails to compliment my body and help me on my journey to self love. 

we hung up around 10pm and both went to have a super late dinner. i made myself a salad with cucumber, carrots, feta, and dried cranberries. he had eggs and bacon. we both got ready for bed, then called and fell asleep on the phone. i really do love that boy. i woke up around 8 this morning, and i’m still tired. i might take a nap later. between then and now i’ve just been bullshitting on my laptop, watching youtube videos, comparing ticket prices (D wants to come visit if he's able to next month) and researching possible career paths i might enjoy doing. i still haven't eaten, so i’ll go make myself breakfast after this. i’m thinking yogurt, granola, blueberries, banana, honey, and maybe some scrambled eggs. 

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 15, 2017 10:33am

yesterday was super fun! after i finished writing, i made myself a breakfast/lunch of beans, rice, guacamole, cheese, and dried cranberries (with some juice and green tea to go along with it) and watched an episode or two of my show on netflix. around noon i started to get ready to head out. my roommate invited me to go with her to beer olympics, over at her friend’s house. she said a lot of people would be there, so i was stoked to go and meet people and make some friends. its getting kind of lonely only hanging out with my family. anyways, we both showered and got dressed. the theme was “goofy outfits” so she wore a hot dog suit, and i wore a sweater of hers that said “BOOSE CRUISE” with the captain morgan logo picture thing on the front. 

we got to the house and she introduced me to everyone and got me a beer, which i set down and proceeded to drink none of. i don’t like beer, and i don't like being drunk (it was beer olympics though and little did i know i was going to have to participate). ANYWAYS, everyone talked around for a bit and i migrated from people to people, being shy and awkward like i am. then we got into our teams. my team was three college seniors, all engineering majors. they were super friendly though, and very understanding when i said i didn’t want to drink much. 

the first event was “shotgun relay” which was FUCKED UP. i’ve never chugged a can of beer in my fuckin life and it was so gross oh my god. we got fourth place in that, out of six teams. after about a ten minute break, we started the “flip cup event” which was fun until i realized it was multiple rounds of flip cup and i wasn’t ready. however, i realized after about three rounds, that i’m not too bad at flip cup. also, the guys were nice and only gave me a little in my cup, enough that i could finish it in one swallow. we played six rounds of flip cup and by then i was feeling a lot more friendly, more talkative and of course more giggly. after flip cup we stood around for another twenty minutes or so, and i got myself a cup of water, and peed. i swear, i peed at least seven times in about four hours yesterday, because i drank maybe six cups of water and had like three beers total. and yeah maybe i’m a baby for getting buzzed off of three beers, but keep in mind, i hardly ever drink. and when i do its like a shot or two of hard alcohol. i’ve never had beer in my life. 

after those twenty minutes of standing around, we had a chugging contest. which i promptly took no part in. i felt bad for the three guys on my team because they had to share an entire pitcher of beer between them, and afterwards all looked like they were about ready to puke. 

after chugging, everyone needed a break, so we all stood around and talked some more. i like to think i made some friends. mostly with guys there, for some reason its easier for me to talk to guys than girls. not even in a slutty whatever way but just in a friendly way. after our break, they played beer toss. like egg toss, taking a step back each round, but if you dropped your beer you had to chug it. my team got fourth place (again). throughout the entire day we did not win or even place at one single event, but it was still fun. 

another round of flip cup came after the beer toss. we did pretty well, and made it through about five rounds before losing. at this point i’d peed about three times. and keep in mind, this all started around 1pm. it was around 3:30 now. D called and talked to me a few times, making sure i was being safe and having fun. 

after flip cup there was another round of pitcher chugging, which again i didn’t participate in. everyone was feeling pretty good by now, all warm and tipsy. however, we were outside the entire time and it was around 30 degrees all day. i couldn’t feel my hands or my feet. so after the pitcher chug, we all headed inside and they set up beer bong. i was about ready to go by now, tired and cold and hungry. i stood around and talked to people for a bit inside, then my parents came and picked me up. by then i was mostly sober and i don’t think they could tell that i’d been drinking. they wouldn’t care if they’d known, but it saved the awkward conversation and lecture and all that. so anyways, we stopped off at my house where i peed again, grabbed my coat and put on some better shoes, and then we all went downtown and got dinner. we got this incredibly tasty dinner at this fancy restaurant, and both my step dad and i got steak, my mom got fish and chips. my steak was $20!!! but so good. his was $17. after we finished up eating, we walked and got ice cream and sat and talked for a bit, then headed back to the truck. we stopped by the grocery store on the way home, then they dropped me off. by the time i got home i was stoked to crawl into bed. D and i skyped for almost two hours, and watched an episode of parks and rec together, sneaking looks at one another throughout the whole thing. it was wonderful. i love him, sometimes i have moments where i’m overcome by my love for him. and i couldn’t stop staring at his face, his lips and his jaw and nose, i love the hazel color of his eyes, everything. when we talked i couldn’t stop smiling, and him the same. sometimes i get so sad because i miss him so much and the physical comfort he gives me, but times like that i remember why i love him and that this distance and time we have to spend apart will all be worth it. he was so sweet all night on skype, but towards the end of the night we both got grumpy and tired, which of course resulted in hurt feelings and all that. we talked through it though and both went to bed happy, around midnight my time. i woke up to cute messages from him, lazied in bed on my phone for a bit, and now i’m writing. i got up around 10am, which means i got around 9-10 hours of sleep, which is more than i’ve gotten all week and it feels great. he’s still asleep, and i’ll let him sleep in as late as he needs to. he’s been working so hard lately, so hopefully it’ll help him to catch up on sleep. 

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 14, 2017 10:21am

life has been pretty good these last few days. thursday, i literally didn't do anything. i laid around and watched netflix, made myself lunch (salad), watched some more netflix, and mostly didn’t get out of bed. around 5:30 my mom came and picked me up and we got dinner together, then went over to her house and watched tv and talked with my step-dad. afterwards, she drove me to the store, then home. D and i skyed for over an hour, which was wonderful and very much needed. we went to bed happy, and i felt warm with love.

yesterday morning, i woke up and called D, and we had a grumpy little argument, but we worked it out and both apologized. i got up early, ate a banana and showered and got dressed, planning on walking over to a restaurant my parents have connections with, where they wanted me to have an interview. about half a mile from my house, my phone died, and i didn’t know how to get there, so i headed back home (getting lost only once). it worked out anyway like that though, because the person i was supposed to meet wouldn't be there until later anyway. so i got back in bed and warmed up, watched netflix, worked on scholarship applications, made myself a lunch of beans, rice, avocado, cheese, and blueberries. it was nice. i left my house again around 1 and of COURSE my phone died AGAIN so i was completely lost and just wandering around in the cold. eventually my phone turned back on (i think it gets too cold and pussies out and has to warm back up to work) and was able to call my step-dad, who walked me to the place, where i sat and waited to meet the guy who was going to interview me. the guy talked to me for about a minute, maybe two, before he hired me (yay). he said he’d be in contact early next week. i’ll probably try to have two jobs again, like i did back in san diego, to meet people and to stay busy and not get bored with the repetition of one job.

after the interview i headed to the college campus, where my step dad was filling out paperwork for his job. i waited for him in the student center, which was mostly empty since everyone is still away on break. i sat in a chair and listened to music and people watched. after about 40 minutes, my step dad found me and we walked to his house. on the way, he talked to me about considering changing my mind about where i want to go to college. i’ve been planning on going to CU for the last year or so. i love the campus, i love the location, and everything about it seems wonderful. everything except the money. my freshman year at CU will probably cost somewhere around $25,000, considering tuition and the dorms and all that. of course, that’s not including scholarships or anything, but i can’t count on those. anyways, my step dad told me that since he works at CSU, he could get me half priced tuition, and that plus the grants/ financial aid i’ll be getting will make it so i barely have to pay anything to go to school there. its worth thinking about. if i did decide to go to school there, i could continue to live in this house i’m at now, which i love. its a good price for rent and close to the school and the house is a great size. plus, if D does move here, he could move in this summer and have a room in the same house as me, because all of my roommates are graduating this summer and moving out. so we’ll see. its definitely a lot to think about. 

anyways, after we got to my parents house, we played with my dog for a bit, then went inside and watched TV. around 5:15 my sister came and picked me up and we went to my house, so she could see it for the first time. we hung out there for about 15-20 minutes, then we left to go shopping for things to decorate my room. we went to michael’s, johanns, a thrift store, hobby lobby, and pier 1 imports. i got one poster, one canvas painting, and two frames pictures for my walls. we’re going to put them up tomorrow and my room will feel even more homey. 

after shopping around, we went to a chinese restaurant, where my sister’s mom met up with us . the three of us shared pad thai and sesame chicken. it was actually super good. we hung out there for what felt like a really long time, but in reality it was probably only about an hour and a half. after dinner, my sister drove me home, and came in again for about 20 minutes. we planned where we’d put up the pictures and talked and laughed, then she headed home and D and i skyped. it was honestly a really good day. i fell asleep on the phone with D, happy and full of love and excitement about the future. hopefully today will be as good as yesterday.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 12, 2017 10:24am

okay so yesterday was my first full day living here. i was so busy literally all day, otherwise i would’ve written. it was a good day though! i got a lot done. i guess i should go back to tuesday and start from there. 

SO, tuesday, my flight landed around 1pm and my grandma picked me up from the airport. it was about an hour drive from the airport to Fort Collins, where she dropped me off and left me with my step dad. him and i got lunch, then shopped around a bit for things i’d need in my new house. we went to target and got a few things, (laundry hamper, body wash, towels, etc.) then we went  around to mattress stores to compare prices. dude, beds are so fucking expensive. like ridiculously. $200-thousands. after shopping around for a bit, we picked up my mom from work. i got a salad at the Sprouts right by her job, then they drove me to my grandma’s house, where i was set to stay for the night. after eating my salad, i got in bed and called D and fell asleep. 

yesterday morning, D and i talked on the phone first thing, which was super nice. this long distance thing is scary and i’m sure will be hard (it already is hard, i miss him so much it makes my heart hurt sometimes), but talking on the phone helps. and we set a schedule so that every tuesday/ thursday, we’ll FaceTime or Skype or something. we also wanna watch a show together. neither of us have seen Parks & Rec and we both have wanted to, so we’re going to start it. i think we’re going to watch the first episode tonight. but ANYWAYS, after D and i hung up, i went down to my grandma’s basement and started organizing my shit and getting everything together that i wanted to bring to my new house. i’d left a bunch of my stuff there for storage over the last few months, so most of my clothes were down there, as well as my art supplies and books, candles, blankets, etc. i got all that crap together, made myself a breakfast of scrambled eggs, salad, and oranges (i’m trying to be healthy) and then got dressed and loaded everything into her car. 

her and i left around 10:45 and headed to the Bed Bath & Beyond right by her house. we shopped around for a bit and found SUPER good deals on bedding. some of their clearance was an additional 50% off, so i got a really nice bed set that was originally something like $250 for only $30 (hell ya). she even got herself a bed set even though she didn’t need one because it was such a good price. afterwards, we drove down to Fort Collins and met my mom for lunch. We went to one of my mom’s favorite restaurants, a nice cafe, and the food was actually super good. i got a blueberry pancake, scrambled egg, and hot chocolate (yikes where’s the health? i don’t know). after we ate, we left and met my uncle at my new house, because he had transported my bed in the back of his truck ( i got so so so so lucky and my grandparents offered to let my take the full size bed and frame in their guest room, so i didn’t have to pay hundreds of dollars for a bed). we put all my suitcases and other random shit in my closet in my room, and he set up the bed frame, which is a super nice, solid dark wood. i honestly love my room and i’m sure i’ll love it even more when it’s better put together. three of the walls are this super nice pale pink, and the fourth wall is a weird blue, but i don’t mind too much. its right across the hall from the bathroom, and has a nice window that’s pretty big and gets beautiful morning light. 

after all my stuff was unloaded and the bed was set up, my grandma and uncle headed their separate ways, and my mom and i went to her house to let the dog out and breathe for a few minutes. then, we went to walmart and i found a pair of sheets that i really like that go well with the rest of my bedding. 

around 4 my mom and i went to meet this lady who had posted an ad on craigslist for a dresser for sale. its beautiful, wood matching my bed frame, with a mirror on top and five large drawers, and two little ones. that, plus a bunch of hangers and lots of closet space, works perfectly for the amount of clothes i had. the dresser is super nice too because it was barely used and all real wood (the previous owner was a 90-something year old lady who recently passed away). 

as we loaded the dresser into our truck, it started snowing. i haven’t been snowed on in years and i forgot how much i love it. it wasn’t too heavy, light and fluffy, and each snowflake that landed on me was like a little pixie kiss (from a pixie with cold lips). we drove through the snow, then unloaded the dresser into my new room. my mom helped me put it together, and make my bed with the bedding and new sheets, then she headed home and let me have some time to put things away and organize everything. a lot of my clothes are up on hangers, and in the dresser, and now they're all put away and it feels so nice. its really starting to feel like home. there’s still some stuff in suitcases, but its mostly just random stuff. 

around 6, my parents picked me up and we went to a little local restaurant where we met my sister, her mom, her best friend, and her best friends dad. it was bluegrass night, which was super cool. so i ate pizza and talked to everyone and listened to live bluegrass. 

around 8, we parted from everyone and my parents took me to target, where i got laundry supplies, a trash can, a tub to put under my bed, and some other stuff. then we went to a different store and i got some groceries. they paid for everything, which i can’t even express how much i appreciated. 

when i got home i put all my groceries away, then finished putting my clothes away, then got in bed and called D and went to sleep. this morning, i stayed in bed pretty late. i’ll get up when i’m done writing this and make some tea and breakfast and get ready for the day. i still have some unpacking i need to do, and one of my roommates invited me to go sledding if it snowed enough yesterday, so we’ll see. i think today will be a good day. 

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 10, 2017 8:36am

i’m sitting at my gate in the airport. gate 9, to Denver. my flight boards around 9:20 and is set to depart at 9:50. I dropped the kids off at school with my dad this morning and said goodbye to them at their classroom doors. they hugged me back and wrapped their little arms tight around my neck, they said “i love you too” when i said i loved them. i tried my hardest not to cry, not in front of them, not at their school. i’ve been with them since the day they were born, saw their first steps, heard their first words, etc. they annoyed me at times of course, undoubtably, but i miss them so much already. i’m going to miss their high-pitched voices, excited, jabbering about something they learned or a new toy or a game they played at school. i’ll miss the little gifts they give me of drawings or paintings or flowers they find. i’ll miss their cuddles and hugs and laughs and the smell of their hair. the next time i see them, my brother will have turned 7 already and my sister will almost be 6. isn’t that crazy? i was there for every single one of their birthdays, and now i’m just gone. 

i’m feeling so many mixed emotions: sad, excited, nervous, dread... i’m going to miss my family in san diego and my best friend and my boyfriend, but this is good. this is change and growth and this is what i need to happen. 

D wants to move to colorado. he wants to save up as much as he can, then join me there. i want him to too. only, its hard. because he has no one there, no family or friends, no job or school or place to live. of course, he’ll have me, and he could get a job and find a place to live, but its so scary. i’d feel responsible for him. he would be sacrificing so much for me, for someone he only met 6 months ago. its hard. its scary. its such a high level of commitment that i don’t know if i’m ready for. but i can’t tell if its just because i’m scared and unsure, or if i’m trying to think rationally. 

its a lot to figure out. because what else would we do? neither of us want to break up, long distance can only work for too long... i’m just not sure. and i feel like if he moved there that’s me committing to being with him forever. which i don’t think i’m ready for yet. and of course, when i think of my future, i always think of him. he’s always there, always smiling, his arms around me. i can see him in a tux waiting for me at the alter of our wedding. i can see him sitting around a table, laughing with my family. i can see him tickling our son, or our daughter, making them laugh. i can see him standing in the cereal isle of the grocery store, annoyed with me for taking so long to shop, but still pushing the cart and helping me. i want him there. i just don't want him to sacrifice everything for me. 

in thirty minutes, i’m going to board a plane and fly to colorado and start a brand new life. everything is going to change. 

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 9 5:40pm

I just said goodbye to D. after a long, wonderful, emotional day together, he dropped me off outside of my house just like he’s done for the last six months. only this time is so, so different. i personally have been crying all day. i cried in the car when he picked me up around 9am, i cried after our breakfast at Denny’s, i cried at his house... all day. 

after breakfast, we went to his house and got in his bed, spooning close. he ended up falling asleep on me while i looked for a movie on netflix, his arms tight around me, drooling on my shirt. it was adorable. we laid like that for awhile, and i let him sleep. i dozed, cuddled close to him. he woke me up with his face between my legs - a lovely wake up call. he started there, then i got up and he laid down and i teased him, kissing his stomach and thighs and around the base of his cock. i teased him till he shook and begged me to stop, then i climbed on top of him. i rode him until i came, then he flipped me over, fucked me missionary, then doggy, both of us panting like dogs too (haha). eventually he wore himself out before he could finish, so he laid down next to me, sweating and frustrated. i laughed at him. we laid there, naked against each other, and talked and watched netflix and after about twenty minutes, he was ready to go again.

like before, i gave him head, then climbed on top and rode him slow, making myself cum again. after i finished he pulled me down and wrapped his arms strong around me, like a hug almost, while he fucked me. we both climbed, pushing up and up and up, and everything released for both of us at the same time. he came across my ass and my back. its really bad how we don’t use condoms, we need to start. for a minute we laid like that, breathing hard and sweating, skin on skin, taking the moment in. 

he got up, wiped me off with a towel, and it was time to go. time goes by so quickly with him. we got dressed and left his house, stopped at Pita Pit on the way back to my house and ordered for each other. D commented on how six months ago, we knew nothing about one another, but now we can order exactly what the other gets. we’ve grown so much together. we’ve been through so much and gotten so close and its so hard to think that i won’t be seeing him for a while still. 

after we got our Pita Pit to go, we picked up my dog from my house, and headed over to Liberty Station, where we sat on a bench facing the river and ate and talked and teased each other. we walked around the park for a little, then went back to his car. I had to stop by the bank to withdraw cash to give Moopy for the skydiving tickets, and when i got back into the car from the ATM, D was crying. i don’t think it really hit him until that moment. 

we sat in his car for about fifteen minutes and he hugged me and cried and i rubbed his back and kissed his neck and he looked at me and told me my name would forever be synonymous with the beach and the sunshine. i kissed his cheeks and wiped his tears away and never wanted to leave that moment. but time has an awful way of not waiting for you before it keeps going, and we had to leave that parking lot eventually. 

we stopped at my job and i picked up my last check and said goodbye to one of my favorite coworkers, of course which brought on more tears. 

D drove me home after that, and parked up the road from my house, we hugged and cried and i broke down again sobbing against his chest. and i swear nothing feels as safe as when his arms are around me. 

it took maybe another 15 minutes for me to get out of the car, after more crying and kissing and hugs and the cliche “its not goodbye its see you later”. it still doesn’t feel real. it doesn’t feel real at all. 

about fifteen hours from now i’ll be boarding an airplane and flying to colorado, where i’ll be starting my entire life over without my best friend or my boyfriend of the jobs i’ve had for the last year and a half. nothing feels real. i know this isn’t shock because nothing traumatic or anything has happened, but i’m having such a hard time processing and accepting what’s happening. 

Moopy is going to stop by later to say goodbye, and i know that’ll make me cry again. i’m excited for my future, but god damn, all these goodbyes are killing me. 

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 8, 2017 10:42pm

okay well, i didn’t include this yesterday i don’t think, but i bought a new laptop. i bought a macbook pro 13.3″, and its so fucking nice to write on. before i was writing on my phone, or my other laptop with a broken keyboard, but now i’m writing on this new beautiful laptop. i usually don’t find much pleasure or interest in material things, but this is honestly great. ANYWAYS...

this morning i woke up around 6:30 and got up and got ready, Moopy came and picked me up and we got gas, then went through the Better Buzz drive thru - she got a peach smoothie and i got an acai bowl. i was so nervous. we were on our way to go skydiving. crazy, right? i was so nervous the whole time, that clammy palmed, have to pee even if i just peed kind of nervous. but so, so excited. we got to the place around 8:25, signed a bunch of waivers, then went through a super simple, casual training course thing. it was a beautiful day outside, i shit you not, we couldn’t have chosen a nicer day to risk our lives jumping out of a perfectly good plane. our instructors/ tandem jumpers introduced themselves to us (both her and i got men, super nice and funny) and adjusted our harnesses and everything. around 8:50 we boarded the little tiny plane. i was the first one on the plane so i scooted all the way to the end of the bench, and megan came in after me. 

everyone else (three other jumpers + their instructors) climbed in after us and everyone made nervous small talk, yelling over the plane’s engine. my ears popped as the plane climbed higher and i got more and more nervous, excited too. 

at 13,000 feet, they opened the door and in pairs everyone started jumping. my instructor (his name was Tigger) and i were last on the plane/ last jumping. by that time i was positioned on his lap and the harness was strapped tightly to him. he had a GoPro on his wrist and took pictures the whole time. we waddled to the opening in the plane and the view literally took my breath away, it was unbelievable. all i could see were mountains, the ocean, some islands in the distance, and little tiny roads cutting their way across the land. before i knew it, he was saying “go!” and we were jumping, falling, screaming. only, it didn’t feel like falling. it felt like when you’re in a pool and let yourself sink a little, so that you’re completely suspended in the water, not touching the surface nor the bottom, just floating. i felt like i was floating in the air, only i could feel the wind whipping past me, i think we were going something like 120mph. it was a feeling unlike anything i could describe. it seemed to last for maybe an hour, though i know we weren’t falling for more than two minutes. it was incredible, life changing, wonderful. time didn’t exist, and all i could think of was what i was feeling, what i was seeing. i didn’t think of any problems, any memories, anyone or anything, i just tried to breathe and take everything in. i screamed and laughed, though i couldn’t hear it over the noise of the wind. 

eventually, Tigger pulled the parachute and we were jerked up as it caught the wind. everything became quieter, more peaceful, we floated down and he pointed to different mountains, downtown, the coronado islands in the ocean, and the town i live in. my ears were clogged all the way down and i could barely hear. with a yawn i popped the left one, but even now as i’m writing this, the right one feels clogged. i’m sure it’ll go away eventually. 

as we landed, i bent my knees and we ran a little once our feet hit the ground, then we were standing and it was all over. in the moment, in the sky, time seemed to stretch forever, but once we were on the ground it seemed like it had ended in the blink of an eye.

Moody and i stepped out of our harnesses and thanked our instructors, got into the car and called our parents and told them we were alive. 

afterwards, we got breakfast at Souplantation, then went to her house, where we snuggled down under her blankets and took a nap (we were both tired from waking up so early, i still am). around 12:30 in the afternoon, Twan called and we had to go pick her up from the train station. she came to visit so she could see me one last time before i move. the three of us always pick right back up where we left off, laughing and teasing one another and gossiping. 

we stopped off at a taco shop and Twan got a burrito, then drove to Mt. Soledad, where we could see everything. we were at the very top and we sat on a bench and talked and looked out across the ocean and the city below us. we could see little kayaks in the ocean water, cars driving on the freeway, everyone going about their lives completely oblivious of one another. its so crazy when you think about how everyone is connected but so distant at the same time, how we all live here together on this planet, in this city, etc. but no one really thinks about anyone else, especially people that they don’t know. 

anyways, we left the mountain and headed back to Moopy’s house, where we changed and put on bathing suits and headed to the hot tub in her complex. before we left though, we passed a joint among us. i only took two hits but they were stoned. before the hot tub we had pudding and grapes and juice at Moopy’s house. 

we stayed in the hot tub for maybe 45 minutes, making fun of each other and reminiscing and laughing uncontrollably. it was nice to be with them again, it felt right. 

after the hot tub we headed to my house, where they sat in my room and kept me company while i packed and organizing all my shit for my move. they left around 6:30 and my family and i had dinner, which was nice. they even got me a going away cake (bittersweet) (pun, get it? hahahaha). afterwards, i went back into my room and kept organizing, packing, throwing things away and trying to not stress out too much. all day i’d been texting D, and around 8 we called on Skype and watched a movie together on Netflix called Moonrise Kingdom. it was a great movie, super cute. today is D’s and my 6 month anniversary. 

last night D picked me up around 6:30 and we went to dinner. i teased him on the way, with my hands and my mouth while he drove. by the time we parked he was shaking. things between D and i have been kinda rough these last few days, we’re both just stressed about the whole move thing and family stuff and life in general and we’re both on edge, so arguments come easily. we always make up though, always. 

we went to a sushi place for dinner, and he paid, which was so super sweet. afterwards, he took me to a park, and we walked for a bit, then sat down on a bench and proceeded to be very, very dirty. i pulled my leggings down and sat on his lap and rode him slowly, but he was deep and i could feel him building up. right before he came i got off, pulled my pants up, and sucked him the rest of the way. he came on his stomach. 

of course, we fought after, about something stupid. i ended up crying and he ended up yelling, as it always goes, but by the time he dropped me off at home my head was on his shoulder and his hand was on my thigh, and when he kissed me goodbye i could taste his love. 

i’m leaving on tuesday. i’m leaving in less than 48 hours. i am so, so scared. excited, but scared. 

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

Jan 7, 2017

its been a while since i’ve written. a lot has happened. i can’t write it all, i don’t want to. most of it has been good though, wonderful. 

i went to colorado and surprised my parents, they were overjoyed. it was fun. I worked a lot, at both of my jobs. I spent most of my time with D, falling for him more and more every day. its crazy, our six month anniversary is tomorrow and it feels like its been so much longer. I went to colorado the first time in october, and again for christmas in december. 

i started smoking more, i guess that’s what happens when you date a stoner. i don’t smoke as much as him, maybe once a day, right before bed so i can sleep easier. sometimes I smoke with him, and he loves that. a few times since i last wrote anything, we had sleepovers. i house sat for an old friend and he came over and spent the night on both friday and saturday night. it was incredible, falling asleep next to him, waking up in the middle of the night to him sleeping so peacefully beside me, his mouth open, snoring, his arms stubbornly wrapped around me so that i couldn’t break free if i tried. even in his sleep he won’t let go of me. of course he woke me up in the night, and i woke him up as well, we get distracted so easily with one another. and we decided that sleepy sex is our favorite, lazy and sweet with the covers around us and the moonlight coming in. 

one of my new year resolutions was to start writing again. my life just got so busy and it was hard to keep up, but i’ll try to not let myself fall so far behind this time. in three days i’m moving to colorado. its so bittersweet. my last days at work were this past week and everyone hugged me goodbye and gave me sad smiles, wished me luck. D wants to come, to follow me out there in a month or two when he’s had enough time to save up some money for the move. That’s a huge step though and it terrifies me, but i think we’re ready. i don’t know. 

last night i had a bonfire with my close friends, a sort of going away thing. we built the fire on the beach and watched the sunset (last night it was pink and orange and brilliant as always). and when it was finally dark, there were no clouds in the sky and we could see all the stars. I pointed to constellations i knew and D looked at me like the stars were not in the sky but in my eyes, when i caught him staring i kissed him and he held me tighter. 

these next few days are just going to be full of goodbyes and tying up loose ends around here. I’m going skydiving tomorrow, which i still can’t believe i agreed to. today though, i’m mostly just going to be packing. I’ll head down to the post office to change my address, maybe walk the dog. I’m not sure. i don’t really have any plans and that’s kind of nice. 

i wrote up a whole document for everything i want to accomplish this year. i mostly just want to better myself, both physically and mentally. I got a membership for a super nice gym by my new house in colorado, and i want to eat a lot healthier too. but its more than that, i want to work on letting things go, i want to breathe more and stress less, i want to drink more water, do more yoga, watch the sunset more. i don’t think i take enough care for my mind and body and that’s something i need to work on. these next few days/ weeks will be full of bittersweet transition and hopefully growth, and i think i’m ready.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

october 28 10:06am

oh my god oh my god oh my fuck shit bitch ass mother cunter... I haven’t written in SO LONG. I’ll do my best to remember everything but its literally been weeks since i’ve written. I’ve just been busy but shit. 

so thursday night I went to work, blah blah, I’m sure it was normal. Friday morning D came and picked me up around 8am and took me back to his house. we stopped at Denny’s on the way and had breakfast. He paid for me, which was nicer than he even knows. I’m used to taking care of myself, paying for my own food, even my parents don’t pay for my food for the most part. 

after Denny’s we went to Walmart because he wanted to find a movie called Spirited Away on DVD. They didn’t have it but we got a couple other movies instead, and we ended up wandering around for a while, getting distracted and teasing each other and hiding from one another between the isles. 

eventually we left and went to his house, i cuddled up in his bed immediately and if I’m remembering correctly he laid down next to me and pulled me in close to him. its always so nice to cuddle like that, all warm and close and safe and feeling his breath against my neck like some kind of reminder that he’s here, he loves me, that he’s alive and so am i and how lucky are we to be alive at the same time and to have found one another. whenever we cuddle he runs his hands over me, tracing my curves, giving me goosebumps the way he touches me so delicately. he touches me as though I might break sometimes, like i’m some fragile artifact he can’t believe is in his possession, in his hands (other times hes rough and grabby and holds on so tight i feel like he just might break me, but he never quite does).

he put a movie in, the newest version of The Jungle Book. and we watched it and absentmindedly tangled and untangled our bodies, our feet and legs and hands and fingers, together, constant reassurances of “we are here” and “i love you”.

he got distracted, of course, in this middle of the movie, his hands stopping on my ass and becoming less gentle, more grabby. he turned me over, his lips finding mine, his hands hot and hungry and suddenly primitive.

we fucked, and though i wish i could, i can’t remember the exact positions. I just know it was rough, his sweat dripping down his beautiful body, landing on me, pooling in my belly button.

we cuddled again, putting on another DVD but not watching it much. He took me home around 2, where I just hung around in bed and watched netflix until Moopy picked me up around 4:30 or so. we went to target and got a bunch of stuff for our festive baking/ crafts. we ended up at her house about an hour later and set everything up. its hard to explain exactly what we made but i have pictures. pretty much just some cupcakes that we decorated with vampire faces or as grave stones, etc. and also some cute little monsters made out of apple slices and peanut butter and strawberries. 

she took me home around 8, and i just watched Netflix until around 10 or so probably, when D called me and we went to bed.

Saturday was busy as hell, it was my baby sister’s birthday (turning 5) and birthday party. so we left the house around 10am and started getting everything ready, picking up the cake and snacks and meeting the jumpy house company in the park so they could set it up before the party, it lasted for about two hours and watching all the little kids run and laugh and play with each other truly is heart warming.

we left around 3:30 or so and as soon as I got home i had to start getting ready for work that night. i worked from 5 til almost midnight, rushed home and got on the phone with D and went to bed. sunday i had work, then when i got home i had to quickly change into jeans and a t shirt because my family was going out to dinner at a sushi restaurant. it was fun and the food was good, afterwards everyone came over to our house (my family+ grandparents) and hung out for a bit. I was tired though and went to bed around 9 or 10, falling asleep on the phone with D like always, 

(to be continued)

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

october 13 2:28pm

it's been almost a week since i've written but i've just been so lazy but also busy. friday i didn't really do much. i slept in, then lazied around my house and watched netflix, did laundry. around 5:45 i took the dog for a walk down to the park, where D met us. the sun was setting and the sky was on fire and every time i touched him i felt like i was too. we watched the dog play for a while, then strolled through the trails of the nature walk by the park. D was tired and grumpy after a day at work but his demeanor slowly improved. he held my hand and kissed me under the orangey-pink sky and the chilly fall breeze swirled around us. i dropped the dog off at home, then D and i drove down to the beach where S was having a bonfire. we stayed for a bit. i got pissed at D because he smoked with some of the guys that were there right after we'd had a fight about him smoking, so i was upset with him for a while and talked to other people. but eventually everyone sat down in a circle to play cards against humanity and he sat behind me and let me lean back against him and i felt better. we laughed a lot about the game and he ran his hands over me and kissed me over and over, my shoulder, neck, cheek, etc. he's sweet when he tries. we left the bonfire around 9:15 and had to walk across the beach to get to his car. he made me laugh so hard i was falling over, he kept trying to pick me up and tackle me in the sand and i don't know why it was so funny but it was and it was one of those good moments. my face hurt from laughing so much. we got in the car and went to get food. we went to chipotle, which he'd never had before. he copied my exact order and we teased each other. that's something i really love about him and our relationship, we can tease each other and it's not a big deal and we both laugh about it. it's nice. after eating we went to the cliffs, got in the back of his car, put the seats down and laid together. we weren't going to fuck but he got distracted, like always, and started running his hands over my body, gripping my curves, cupping my ass and breasts, marveling over my body. articles of clothing fell away one by one and eventually we were fucking, his lips hard on mine, both of our breathing labored, the windows fogging up. after we finished we got dressed again and i don't know what happened but it was like a switch went off in my brain and suddenly i was so, so sad. drowning in sadness. it comes and goes in waves and that night those waves were stormy, crashing over my head pulling me under. we got back to my house and he parked up the street and let me be sad and we barely talked, he just sat and was there. once i broke down crying, harder than he's ever seen me cry. sobbing, gasping for air. he just rubbed my back and cooed at me. around midnight i had to go inside as to not get in trouble. he kissed me goodnight and called me once he got home and we fell asleep together on the phone. saturday i got up around 10 or so and went with my family to the store, to order a cake for my sisters birthday party which is this coming saturday. then we got lunch at an asian buffet, then went to costco. it was a lot of doing and i was tired and lethargic and didn't want to do anything. we got home around 2:30 and i just laid around til i had to get ready and go to work. D and i argued about something, i don't even remember, while i drove. it sucked because we didn't resolve it before i had to go to work and be off my phone so we both felt unhappy with the situation until i got to call him on my 30. i went and sat on one of the life guard towers and breathed in the cool salty ocean air, listened to the waves, talked to him on the phone while i ate. it was oktoberfest in my town and so drunk people swarmed the streets and beach. we were busy all night at work. after work i called him and we argued some more. i think we were both just testy because we were tired, but we ended up staying on the phone until around 1, when i fell asleep. i had to be at work at the dog wash at 8, like always on sundays. it was slow and i was so tired, but i somehow got through the day. the only eventful thing was a giant brawl that broke out right outside my workplace. there were a few men involved and it lasted a while, maybe 20 minutes. we ended up calling the cops. i got home around 4:45, and laid in bed until my dad offered to take me to get dinner. we went to a place called the habit burger and got it to go. i got a salad and he got a burger. we ate together in the living room. afterwards i just laid in my room. around 9:30, i started getting ready for bed. D and i had another argument about him smoking because he smoked right before i was about to call him and i absolutely hate talking to him when he's stoned. but we resolved it and went to bed together on the phone. monday morning he felt bad because i woke up sad, so he came and picked me up from my house around 9. he drove me to his neighborhood and my mood instantly improved. we got starbucks and einstein bagels for breakfast and teased and each other and went back to his house to eat. we mostly hung out in his room and ate and watched TV, until eventually he got distracted and pulled my pants down and started spanking me. he turned my ass bright red. after that we made love, for the first time i think. it was fucking, like we always do. it was sweet and slow and he kissed me during and it was so, so nice. we took a break, cuddled and dozed and caught our breath, before we went again. this time it was rough, but he didn't cum. i was too tired to let him keep going until he did. we went out to his living room and laid on his couch and picked a movie on netflix. he spooned me for a bit, holding me tight. after a while he rolled so that i was laying on my back and he nuzzled up and laid on my chest, dozing on top of me. it was such a nice feeling. i could've stayed there forever. i was warm and happy and felt so safe and loved. i rubbed his back and played with his hair. in this case though i think i was the one that got distracted and pushed him off of me and started kissing him, pulling at him, giving him what he calls "fuck me eyes". so he did, he fucked me on his couch and came on my stomach. after, i pushed him back so he was laying down and started blowing him, making him shake, sucking slowly and enjoying the sound of his pleasure. we cuddled for a little after, but had to leave around 2:15 so he could make it to his 3 o'clock class and so i could get to work on time at 3:15. work was slow and i got home around 9:15. D and i talked on the phone and went to bed around 11. tuesday i had work at 9 so i went in and got to leave around 3. i worked with some of my more fun coworker's though which was nice. D got off work at 5:30 and picked me up around 6:30. he was extra grumpy and tired but we still went to the mall to shop around because he needs new shoes. it turned into a big mess though and he was whining the whole time so we ended up leaving around 8:30 and getting smoothies and gyros. after, we went to the cliffs and laid in the back of his car and cuddled and talked, but then i rolled onto my stomach and he's impossible when it comes to my ass so we ended up fucking. we cuddled for a little after, then got dressed and he drove me home. i kissed him goodbye around 11:15 and went inside. he called me when he got home and we went to sleep on the phone around 12:30. yesterday i didn't do much, i slept in until around 10, then made myself a breakfast of fried rice. i boiled the rice and everything and just added random stuff i found in my fridge (corn, chicken, eggs, etc.) it turned out pretty good. around 2:30 Moopy picked me up and we went to pick up her little sister from our old high school. afterwards we just hung out at her house for a bit and talked and laughed. we left around 4 and went thrifting. we went to amvets and buffalo exchange. i spent more than i meant to but it's okay, i guess it's just money and that's what i have a job for anyway, to be able to have money to spend. i bought t shirts and sweaters and i got a shirt for D and a pin for him too, since he collects them. when i got home though things kind of went downhill. both my parents were grumpy and i started to over think about a lot of things and when i called D he didn't pick up. and all the demons started to waltz with the ghosts in my head again and i couldn't make it stop, so i cut. but i promise this was the last time. i'm done. D and i talked on the phone until i fell asleep around 11:15. this morning i didn't end up getting up until 11:45. i woke up a few times but ended up getting about 11 hours ish of sleep which i think i probably needed. i threw everything i bought from the thrift stores into the washer, and heated up the leftover fried rice from yesterday, and settled onto my couch and ate and watched netflix. i might end up walking the dog in a bit if i have a chance before work.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

october 7 10:48am

fuck i have so much to write about and i really don’t fucking want to

okay so tuesday i worked from 9-3 at the dog wash and it wasn't too bad. part of the time i was at pizza port because my coworker at the dog wash wanted me to use his discount for his family so i walked to meet them there. his wife and i ended up getting along pretty well and we played pin ball for a while and i was gone from work for like 30 min which was nice to have a break. but i got off at 3 and stopped at the store on my way home and got some fruit, then headed home and walked the dog a little, then showered and met D down in OB. we got some subs from a local shop and drove up to PB to this park that's right on the bay, and set up a little blanket and set all our food out and had a picnic. afterwards we just laid together and cuddled and talked and he kissed me and god i swear it was perfect. he's so perfect. i fall harder for him every time i see him, hear his voice, feel his hands on me. it's bad. we were at the park for about two hours and by 8 we were cold and ready to go so he went and got the car (so i didn't have to walk because he's a fucking gentleman) and we just drove to the cliffs. we talked and i sang and he kept looking over at me and smiling and my heart was so full it felt as thought it might burst. at the cliffs we got into the back seat and he fucked me with a condom on and we both came. even though his car is small as fuck the position we do sometimes (me on my back with my legs over his shoulders) is fucking supreme. after he came i pulled the condom off and started blowing him and he was so hypersensitive he was shaking right away. i went slow and teased and he cussed and gasped for air. after a few minutes i had to stop because i had to be home. we sat in the back seat and i rested my head on his shoulder and he draped his arm around my back and i told him all about my history of depression and self harm and an eating disorder. he listened and replied when he needed to and rubbed my back and afterwards made me kiss him, told me it was going to be okay now and i never needed to feel that low again. he drove me home around 11 and kissed me goodnight and i laid in bed that night feeling happy and full and loved. wednesday morning i slept in and got up around 11 and made myself breakfast of scrambled egg tacos with avocado. i lounges around for a bit, then took the dog for a walk around 1. we went to the bank first and i deposited my $800 worth of cash tips i'd saved up over the last few months, and my two checks, then we went to the beach, then he got a bath and his nails done. by the time i got home i was hungry as fuck so i made myself a snack of mini bagels with cream cheese. Moopy picked me up around 5 and we went down to the farmers market, where we walked around for a bit and each bought tiny little succulents and she bought some sunflowers. we stopped in at Nico's and i had rolled tacos and she had a burrito, then we walked the pier during the sunset and took pictures and enjoyed the clean, cool air and the pink sky and the waves crashing below us. she dropped me home around 7 and D and i facetimed for a little, then i hung out with my family some, then went to bed around 10:30. i slept until 7:30, when D called me, and i talked on the phone with him til he went to work at 8:30, which is when i got up and made myself breakfast of leftover chicken and rice and mini bagels with cream cheese. i watched law and order SVU while i ate and was lazy about it, around 1 i went to north park to get my eyebrows done. on the way home i stopped at Forever 21 and got an outfit for the concert (a skirt and a long sleeve) then at 3:30 i had a hair appointment. D picked me up around 6 and we went and got panda express before heading to the concert. god, that boy knows how to make me feel beautiful. he kept staring at me, swerving, telling me how good i look and how much he loved my outfit, my hair, how pretty i was. he rubbing his hand up my thigh and gripped tight. we got the food and he paid for me, then got back in the car and started on our way to the concert. with traffic and everything it took about 45 minutes to get there. we sang along to songs that played and he kept looking at me like i out the fucking stars in the sky. we got to the concert around 7:20 and sat and ate in the car and teased each other back and forth mercilessly. which i personally love about our relationship because what fun is it if you can't tease each other? after we ate we got in line and he kept his arms around me and kissed me and god i love him. i love him. i love him. once inside we went up the stairs to the lawn seating and found ourselves a nice little opening between a really cute couple and a family with two little girls. they were superb to be around. i hate going to concerts and being around drunk people who can't handle their shit it's annoying as fuck. while we waited for the show to start and listened to the opening band, we talked and took selfies and he told me how amazing i looked in the lighting and i laughed and told him to shut up. we sat together on the grassy hillside and i leaned into him and couldn't think of a time when i'd ever been happier. when mumford and sons finally took the stage, we stood and started dancing and singing along and it was a moment of pure bliss and uninterrupted happiness and joy and pleasure. every time i turned and looked at him he was already staring at me. my words now cannot possibly capture the moment correctly. he had so much love in his eyes and i fell in love with him right there. and i guess it's been happening for a while but i've just been ignoring it. it's like when you're swimming in the ocean and the tide is slowly pulling you farther and farther out, away from the shore, and you don't really notice it much until the shore is barely a speck on the horizon and you are surrounded by water. it was like that. his hands and hazel eyes and smiles were the waves pulling at me and i let myself become lost in him. i'm in love and i wish i wasn't but i am. we left around 10:15, as to beat the traffic getting out. we drove home and for a while i sang along to music and talked to him but he was in a mood, i could see it, so i leaned over and started rubbing at his crotch and he smiled. one of those "you shouldn't be doing that but i don't want you to stop" smiles. so i undid his shorts and let my hand slip inside. eventually i pulled his dick out and started sucking, playfully. by the time we got off the freeway he was cussing and shaking and trying his hardest to concentrate on driving, but he still swerved a lot. when we got to the cliffs he put his back seats down, something he just learned how to do, and we climbed in the back and he fucked me. we didn't have a condom though so he pulled out and came on my ass. afterwards we just laid together and cuddled and listened to one another breathe. it was nice. when it was time to go he got out of the car ass naked just to stress me out. when he put on his boxers he walked around to the passenger side and i locked him out. i couldn't stop laughing and he was laughing too and it was another good moment. eventually i let him in and he drove me home and kissed me goodbye. a

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

october 7 12:33am

i'm so fucking in love. god damn it. fuck fuck fuck

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

october 3 11:47am

yooooo okay! so friday was bomb as hell. i got ready and took a shower and everything and then around 1 Moopy came by my house and picked me up and her and i went to target, where we invented to only buy a memory card for her camera and some snacks, but instead bought those things along with socks and matching halloween shirts and candy. after target we got gas, then drove up to tork's house in san marcos. we got there around 2:30, all got back into Moopy's jeep and headed on our way to this mountain and this place called the Elfin Forest. we got there and walked around for a bit and took pictures/ videos. we got lost on the way there but we have fun when we're together so it was okay. we ended up taking a trail called the "way up" trail. looking back, we should've somehow guessed that the way up trail would quite literally go way up, but at the time we didn't. i don't even know what we were thinking. but we ended up hiking about 2 miles on steep switchback inclines up the side of the mountain. we all complained and argued and teased each other (affectionately) on the way up. it took us maybe 45 minutes to get to the rest point at the top, which had a nice view of the mountains and city below. we stayed up there for a bit and rested, stopped sweating, watching funny videos on our phones and just fucked around. after we headed back down we drove to this place where you can trespass and go into different tunnels. you have to climb through some plants and follow a barely recognizable trail to get to the mouths of the tunnels, but we made it. the tunnels were cool looking, all heavily graffitied with colorful paint. about ten feet into the tunnel it back pitch black and you couldn't see the other end, which was scary. we walked maybe 75 yards in before we got creeped out by the darkness and echos and turned back around and headed to the car. we got chipotle afterwards, sitting inside and eating. it was fun. time spent with them is always good. after we ate we went back to Tork's house and laid around and talked. D came around 7:20 and came into the room and sat next to me on the bed. i was so happy to see him and he ran his hand down my spine (i was laying on my stomach), and tilted my chin up with his hand and kissed me. i couldn't believe he'd driven the 45 minutes after having worked all day to come pick me up, and i was elated to see him. i wiggled around on the bed and held his hand and he talked to Moopy and Tork. Moopy said she liked him, which meant a lot because she hasn't ever approved of anyone i date. she said she could see in the way he looked at me how much he cared about me, which made me feel so good. him and i left around 8, drove the 35 ish minutes home. i cuddled up to him, kissed him, told him how happy i was and how much i appreciated him coming to get me. he smiled and rubbed my thigh, kissed my forehead. i asked how i could thank him and he said to figure it out, so about 20 minutes into the drive i started teasing him, rubbing him with my hand, feeling him get aroused under my touch. "not that", he said, but i knew he didn't mean it. so i slipped his under his arm so that his arm was around my back and my face was in his lap, and i undid his shorts, pulled them and his boxers down, started circling his head with my tongue. he cursed and said my name, told me no. he swerved a bit on the freeway, but i didn't stop, kept going, taking all of him into my mouth and loving the way he reacted. by the time he parked at the cliffs he was shaking, cussing, holding onto me hard. we fucked for about 15 minutes, but i had to be home at a certain time so we couldn't take too long. i sucked him off all the way from the cliffs to my house, hard and fast, making him cuss and moan and shake. at one point he stopped in the middle of the road, and i stopped so he could keep driving. i stroked him with my hand, watching his eyes close, head fall back, smiling to myself. it's fun to have that kind of power. i got home and kissed him goodbye and he called me when he got home and i fell asleep on the phone with him. saturday morning i slept in and hid out in my room to avoid the babysitter that was over watching the kids. i didn't really get out of bed until 12:30 or so, just laid around and read. when i got up i took the dog for a walk to the library to renew my books, and stopped at a mexican restaurant on the way home to get some food before work. i got home and ate fast, then showered and got ready. i worked from 5-11:30 or so at pizza port on the reg, talking to people all night and making salads pretty much. i talked to D on the phone on my break, and after i got home from work i called him too. we fought/ argued because we were both tired and grumpy. yesterday was awful to be honest and i don't want to get into it much. we were short handed at work and busy at the same time so it was difficult. D and i didn't get along all day and ended up arguing until 1:30am, but we made up before bed. hopefully today will be better. so far i've finished watching Zootopia, which i actually really enjoyed, and bought plane tickets to go to colorado to visit for a few days this month. i'm so excited! today i'll probably make myself some lunch and then maybe walk the dog if i have time. i have to be at work at the dog wash at 3:15 and i get off at 9:15 so we'll see how it goes.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

september 30 10:23am

wednesday morning i just laid around, slept in until around noon and then got out of bed and read some. after i took a shower, Moopy picked me up around 2 and we went to panda express, then the cliffs, where we parked and ate and talked. we stayed there for a while, and after we finished eating we got out of the car and walked around the cliffs, climbing down til we each found a groove in the side of the rocks and sat and from there we talked more and watched the waves and surfers and laughed. it was a good moment. it was hot but we were sitting in the shade and close enough to the ocean that there was a nice breeze simultaneously. we just sat there for a couple of hours and talked and laughed and i forgot any worries that had been pestering me. after the cliffs we stopped by this little convenience store on the side of the road and got some snapples, then went back to her house and got in her bed and watched videos on youtube for a while, then cuddled up with each other and her dogs and took a nap. her das brought pizza home for dinner and we had some. D and i had a rough night in a certain sense. we didn't fight or anything but we were supposed to hang out and his aunt said no so we were already disappointed about that, and then for the last month or so we've been talking about us going to Colorado for a week in October to visit my family and he asked permission on wednesday night and was told no. but his aunt was drunk and he's going to try again but it was still disappointing. so we were sad. before Moopy took me home her and her sister and i drove by the cliffs and it was nice. we listened to music and didn't talk much and rolled the windows down so that the cool air blew inside the car and we watched the ink black waves crash. i got home around 7:45 and D and i facetimed and it lifted our spirits a bit. he decided he was going to call into work the next morning so him and i could hang out at his house which definitely made me happier. for some reason though i couldn't sleep and didn't fall asleep until around 1, then woke up again at 4:45 and fell back asleep around 6. i didn't get much sleep overall. so yesterday (thursday) morning he picked me up around 8 and drove me back to his house and got us acai bowls on the way. he had to sneak me in which was stressful but everything ended up working out. we hung out in his room and ate our acai bowls then snuggled and turned on a movie on netflix (stuck in love). and he lasted maybe 20 minutes before he started rubbing my ass and kissing my shoulders and pulling my pajama pants down. so of course that turned into him fingering me which turned into me sucking him off, on my knees in front of him while he sat on the bed, then him fucking me, sticking the gag ball into my mouth so i'd stay quiet and tying my hands with rope together over my head. he fucked me long and hard (with a condom on) and we came together, breathing hard and quaking. afterwards we cuddled and i fell asleep for a time and he kept watching the movie, rubbing my back, kissing my forehead. eventually he got antsy again and started kissing me, slapping my ass (i was laying on his bed in a penny of his and my thong), and biting me. i laughed and sighed and rolled my eyes at him but he kept on. after a few minutes he pulled my thong to the side and sunk his finger into me, twirling it around, fascinated by my body's reaction to his presence and how wet i was. he played with me and teased until i told him to just fuck me, which he did. only the bed was creaking too loud so we climbed down onto the floor and he fucked me there, different positions, raw. i clamped my hand over my mouth as to not be loud. he fucked me for a long ass time and i came again, tired after, exhausted actually. hypersensitive to his touch and strokes, shaking and gasping for air. he couldn't cum, it was too recent after he'd come before, so he pulled out and wiped the sweat he'd dripped onto me off with a towel, then i got back in bed and he did too and we watched the rest of the movie. eventually we got to talking about his mom, who died a little over a year ago. we cuddled and he held me close to him while he told me everything that happened and i wiped his tears away while he talked. his chin quivered and his voice shook and i could see how badly it hurt him to relive it but he wanted to tell me about it and i wanted to know. so we talked about her for awhile and he told me everything and i kissed him after, ran my hand through his hair and tried to bring back his happiness. after a while i was able to, he started acting playful again and genuinely cheery. he fucked me once more, on the bed this time, and came on my ass. i was so tired by the third time that i couldn't talk for a while, and barely registered him wiping his mess off me, pulling me closer to him on the bed, talking. i drifted in and out of sleep and he put on the office and i think i watched a little. he held me close and i swear to god i felt so safe in his embrace. around 12:30 we snuck back out of his house, got in his car and drove to get lunch at souplantation. it was so hot in his car that i didn't bother to put pants on and sat there in his passenger seat in a thong and a tank top. he kept his hand on my thigh and laughed and we talked about philosophy and the human brain and the pineal glad and god i fell so fucking hard for him it took my breath away. i couldn't stop staring at him, the sun coming in through the car windows and the wind blowing his hair around and his fucking smile. in that moment i decided i don't want to be without him. he's so good and we go so good together. maybe i'm just infatuated but holy hell. we ate lunch at souplantation and the lovely boy got my drink for me and refilled it too when it was empty, a small but sweet gesture. we talked while we ate and fell harder and harder. he took me home around 2, where i laid in bed for a while and read my book. he told me about a hat he once saw that he liked and i found it on ebay and bought it for him, i'm excited for him to get it. i had to be at work at pizza port at 5 so i rushed and got ready and walked there. it was hot as shit once i got there, and we were pretty busy too. so i was working and sweating and tired (very irritable). D showed up with his buddies around 7 and brought me starbucks, which lifted my mood. seeing him always lifts my mood. i didn't get off work until around 10:40 last night which was super late considered we closed at 10 but we were too busy to have a chance to clean while we were open so i had to do most of my clean up after we closed. i called D when i got home and we talked til i fell asleep. only, last night a ghost from my passed reappeared. i'll call him Gorilla Boy. him and i dated from my freshman year to the summer before my junior year and even after we broke up we still talked, on and off. only, we hadn't talked for a while until he messaged me last night. D doesn't like me talking to him at all which i understand. but it made me have a hard time sleeping, i think i was just stressed. so this morning i was up when D got up, around 6:30, and didn't go back to sleep until he went into work at 8. i slept til around 10:15, when the stupid bitch ass people decided to start doing construction on the street outside my house. but now i'm laying in bed and will probably get up soon and start getting ready for the day. today will be good.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

September 28 8:45am

Saturday wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. both jobs went by quickly, although I was tired as all hell when I got home that night. Sunday morning I had work at 8 at the dog wash and that wasn't too bad either. the people I work with at both jobs and generally a good time so that helps. Sunday afternoon I drew myself a hot bath and soaked in it and read my book. it was steamy and relaxing and definitely helped my sore muscles. D and i got into a fight later that night about the same things as always, plus I was extra on edge because I was so tired. but we had a big talk that night and I know it's only been a couple of days but he's proven to be doing better, trying harder for me. Monday I slept in until 1 (in and out of sleep), then made myself a "breakfast" of scrambled eggs and watermelon. it was hot as hell on Monday, in the upper 90's with hot Santa Ana winds tormenting the city. the air was not the wind was hot everything was hot. I was sweating just sitting still and definitely didn't want to get up to do anything. but I had work at the dog wash at 3:15 so I got dressed and went. only, everyone else seemed to be in the "it's too hot to do anything today" mentality so we were super slow. my boss turned the lights off to save energy even. my coworker and I turned on the first presidential debate around 6 and watched it. however, I got distracted by the sky outside (the setting sun made everything look like it was on fire and the clouds were pink and everything has a red hue to it) so I went outside and climbed the tree behind the shop and watched the sun set. I got off at 9:15 and got home and went to bed, somehow still tired even though I'd slept in so late. Tuesday morning I had work at 9 at the dog wash so I got up around 8:15. D wasn't feeling well though so we talked on the phone for a while. he said he mentally and physically wasn't feeling tip top. I hate the distance between us because all I wanted to do was hug him and rub his back and baby him til he felt better but instead we both had to go to work. I was late and so was he but neither of our coworker's seemed to care much. Tuesday was almost as hot as Monday so we were slow again. my coworker and I got tacos like we do every Tuesday and I left around 3:20, got home around 3:40. from then until around 4:30 I laid around and played on my phone, too hot to want to get up and get ready. but around 4:30 I did, took a shower and got dressed and put on a touch of mascara. S met me at my house and her and I walked down to Newport and got sushi and ate it in the restaurant. afterwards we went and walked on the pier and watched the sun sink below the horizon and listen to the quiet hush of the waves crashing on the shore. D picked us up around 7 and the three of us drove to the open mic. it was the first time he's been and it was a fun night and he enjoyed it, which was great. I fell for him so hard, watching him watch the people up on stage. his hand was in mine and I just didn't ever want to leave that moment. we left around 9:30 and got in his car (S got picked up from the open mic) and drove to the cliffs. I took my shirt off on the freeway and teased him. he swerved so much, looking over at me. at one point he actually almost crashed because he tried to lean over and kiss me while he was driving. it's fun to have that kind of power over someone. everything that happened after we got to the cliffs is kind of jumbled in my memory. it was mostly just an hour of sweaty, hot sex. I took off my jeans while he was parking and he took a moment and literally worshipped my body, kissing me, running his hands over my hips and ribs and squeezing my thighs, cupping my breasts. he makes me feel so beautiful. we made out for a moment and I slipped my hand down to his crotch, undid his button and zipper, teased him while our tongues danced together. after a while he'd had enough of that and he pulled his shorts and boxers down and pushed my head down too and I took my time, licking and sucking his cock, playing with his balls, going slow until he was hard and moaning and saying my name. then we climbed into the back seat and he put the gag ball in my mouth and blindfolded me with one of his ties and told me how sexy I looked right before he put a condom on and fucked me. he went hard and harder, pushing me up and up and up until I shuddered and screamed. his sweat was dripping onto me and he wiped it away, moaned with every thrust. after a while he pulled out, sat back, took a second to catch his breath. he fingered me, marveling at how wet I was. teasing me with slow, deliberate circles of his fingers. he pushed one of my legs back, so my knee was in my face and my foot was on the car ceiling. he studied me and told me how beautiful I was, told me I had a "pretty pussy". he's the first person that's ever said anything along those lines to me and it made me so happy. I've never been necessarily insecure about my pussy but I've never thought it was all that nice either. indifferent I guess. after a while he said he didn't think he'd be able to cum with the condom on so I took it off and started blowing him again, only this time I wasn't trying to tease him. I took turns between his cock and his balls and he shook beneath me, moaned, cussed, said my name over and over. for a while we tried 69 only he couldn't concentrate with his dick in my mouth and ended up just gripping my hips, laying back, cussing still. after a while I sat up and told him to fuck me again so he did, reverse cowgirl style, and after a while he pulled out and came on my back and let it drip down my ass. then he wiped it off and we both leaned back and he tried to stop sweating and I tried to catch my breath. we never really have enough time together, but we cuddled for a few minutes before he had to drive me home. we scrambled around trying to untangle our clothes from one another's and get dressed in his tiny ass car. he took me home around 11 and I rested my head on his shoulder while he drove. I hate saying goodbye. this morning I woke up around. 7:30 but I'll probably try to go back to sleep here soon.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

September 24 8:59am

okay alright okay let's see... Thursday morning I had to drop Dad off at the airport around 7:49. on the way home I stopped by the donut shop and got a sugar raised and a jelly filled. when I got back home I climbed into bed and dozed for a while but couldn't fall back asleep for longer than 10-15 minutes at a time. so I eventually gave up and just started watching Netflix and eating my donuts. step mom stayed home because little brother was "sick" (he was sneezing and didn't want to go to school=sick). so I stayed in my bed with cramps and the two of them stayed in her bed and we all just we're kind of lazy about it. I ate the rest of my sushi, then had some leftover chicken and mashed potatoes from dinner the night before. I didn't really do much else. around 1:45 I took a shower and then Moopy picked me up. we hung out for a couple of hours and laid in her bed with her kitten and dogs and watched funny YouTube videos. I had to be at work at 5 so she dropped me off at home around 4:15. I finished getting ready and drove Dad's car down to work. the night went well and D and his friend came in to visit me and have some pizza which was really nice. I love when he visits me at work. I got off around 10:15 and drove home and called D and everything kind of exploded. I was the kind of mad that made me cry and I was crying and yelling and telling him everything that was wrong. I told him that it's hard when he says he's going to do something and then doesn't, which he's been doing a lot lately. I told him it's hard because it makes it so I can't count on him. I told him it's not fair for him to be stressed or upset about something and hold it in and not tell me but take it out on me (which he does). I told him he's not as sweet as he used to be. I went on and on and on and stayed sitting in the driveway for long after I'd gotten home and he calmed me down and told me he'd fix it and I believed him. I fell asleep on the phone with him that night. Friday morning little brother stayed home AGAIN which was frustrating because I'd planned on doing what I usually do on Fridays (walk the dog, go to the bank and deposit my checks, get my prescription, etc.) which is pretty much just run errands and relax since the weekends are so hectic for me with work. but no, the little brat (and I say that with love) was still sneezing so he got to stay home. but step mom couldn't miss work again so instead I had to take care of him. we mostly just laid around and he watched cartoons and I watched Netflix. he laid on the couch and just ate and drank which was easy for me at least. around 1 him and I got into the car with the dog and I decided to just run my errands with him. so I stopped by work and got my checks and went to the bank. then I picked my prescription up. then at 1:45 we went to the kids school to pick up little sister. I took them to Wendy's after because that's what they asked for and I got myself Taco Bell. I was going to take them to the park but little sister fell asleep in the car so I took them home instead. I carried her in and put her in bed and rubbed her back for a solid 20 minutes but she said she couldn't fall back asleep. it was nice to watch her though, lay there with her eyes closed and beams of sunlight coming in through the window, dancing on her golden brown hair. she's gotten so big. both her and little brother are growing up so fast it blows my mind sometimes. after she said she couldn't fall asleep we went back out to the living room where little brother was laying and we ate. step mom came home around 3:45 and I just laid in the couch and read. D picked me up around 5:45 and reached into his back seat and pulled out a dozen roses. they were beautiful and pink and smelled so good and I couldn't stop smiling. I smiled the entire drive to the mall. he kept looking over at me and smiling too, every time he did. I could see the love in his eyes and it warmed every inch of my body. at the mall we bought tickets to see a scary movie, then stopped at a little candy stand and each got some candy. however, me, being emotional and whiny, also wanted chocolate and nachos. so he bought me some at the concession stand. we went in and sat at the very top back corner in the theater. I wiggled my feet under his leg because my toes were cold and he laughed at me and put his arm around my legs. there were so many moments last night that I fell for him, over and over again. we ate the nachos and laughed and whispered (I whispered, he talked. he's not good at whispering). I didn't think the movie was all that great so, of course I was bored. which meant messing with him. I kissed him and pulled my tank top down and he couldn't take his eyes off my lips, my boobs. his hand closed around my neck and he told me to stop being so bad. I nodded at him sweetly and apologized and rested my head on his shoulder, then let my hand wander to his crotch. I didn't say anything and neither did he, but I ran my fingers across his balls and I traced the ridge of his head through his pants and felt him get hard beneath my hand. I watched him get more and more frustrated. it was fun. after the movie we went out to the parking structure and for a while just leaned against the ledge and looked out across the streets and people. he stood behind me, his arms around me, while we tried to figure out what to do next. we landed on getting food. so we went to pita pit, then Starbucks. he got a java chip frappuccino and I got a cup of whipped cream. afterwards we drove to the cliffs and I played Ed Sheeran and sang along and he looked over at me so much while he was driving that he swerved at least once a minute. if a cop had been behind us we would've gotten pulled over. we parked on the side of the road at the cliffs and he opened the sun roof in his car and we leaned our seats back and looked at the stars. I was wearing his flannel jacket but took off my tank top and bra and he got so distracted. it's so fun to mess with him. we both agreed my boobs are getting bigger. he palmed each one and teased my nipples with his mouth and I hummed in pleasure. after I'd had enough of that I pushed him back down onto his seat and we started making out, my fingers working to undo his shorts. I gave him head, slow, teasing, he cussed and moaned and pushed his pelvis up to match my rhythm. after maybe five minutes of that I told him to fuck me, so he did. it was his first time having period sex but he took it like a champ. we put a blanket down in his back seat just in case there was a mess (there wasn't) and he fucked me. only, he came in like three minutes (we used a condom so he didn't cum on me this time). he said it was because I'd "sucked the life out of him before" and apparently me dirty talking him during didn't help much with the lasting part. I don't really remember much what I said, I think I just told him to make me cum, called him daddy, said "right there" a few times, I'm not sure. whatever it was, he liked it. he was frustrated with himself and I'll admit I was too because then there I was, legs spread apart, and he'd had the pleasure of orgasm but I had not. he could tell I was displeased so he fingered me until I came, not caring I was on my period. the boys a keeper I'm tellin ya. he has a new curfew of 11 now, for whatever reason, and by the time we'd finished all that it was already 10:25 so we pretty much had to pull our clothes on right away and he drove me home. I rested my head on his shoulder and he kept his hand on my thigh and let his head fall on top of mine. last night was perfect and I could tell he was trying harder after the talk we'd had Thursday night, which was really nice. he dropped me off and kissed me goodbye and I told him I loved him and he said it back. it's always so fucking hard to tell him goodbye. but he called me when he got home and I fell asleep on the phone with him which was nice. this morning I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I'm working both jobs today so I'll be working from 1-12 probably which sucks but that's alright.

[stilliamgrowing-blog]

September 21 8:41pm

ok so! ahahaha at my last post bc yes I'm trying to be more conscious of my health and body but at the same time I'm content with my body and lifestyle. I would like to go to the gym more though and maybe to a few classes (yoga or Pilates or weight training, etc.) but I've been busy lately and it's hard to make time for something I don't necessarily want to do ya feel? anyways life lately has been a roller coaster of emotions, mostly stress and anger and sadness, with a little happiness sprinkled into the mix. Saturday night at work went fine and we ended up being moderately slow after 9 o'clock so we closed on time and I was home, in bed after showering and everything, by midnight. which was great because then I got 7 hours of sleep before I had to be up for work on Sunday. work went okay, and Sunday afternoon I didn't do much besides lounge around and watch Netflix. D and I got into a fight but I don't even remember what it was about. we've both been testy lately and stressed and fighting a lot. Monday morning I made myself breakfast, then figured out my insurance. I ended up having to make an appointment too for planned parenthood because my birth control prescription expired this week. so I took care of all that and just laid around and watched Netflix. I had a small little teeny tiny breakdown talking to my step mom over text because she told me she wanted me to leave by November which is way sooner than I've been thinking and I just started thinking about moving and starting over which is scary and exciting at the same time but I wouldn't know anyone and I'd have to leave D and I was just emotional and hormonal because I also started my period this week (not pregnant, yay!) so I ended up laying naked on the floor crying after I'd gotten out of the shower, talking to D on the phone. I had work from 3-9 at the dog wash and that all went smoothly, but D fell asleep before I even got home (before 9:30) which I threw a fit about and we got into another fight over but we ended up working it out. Tuesday I had work from 9-3. my highlight of work on Tuesdays is taco Tuesday that my coworker and I always get from the bar down the street. tacos are $2 each and they're bomb. Tuesday afternoon I just watched Netflix. and it was raining so I enjoyed the grey light coming into my warm room and the rain streaking down the window and the way the break lights and headlights of cars shone warped through the wet glass. I love when it rains. Tuesday night my dad didn't want me driving to open mic since it was raining so instead I hung out with Moopy. it was nice to be with her even only for a little because I was sad and she made me laugh a lot. we just drove by the cliffs which are dark and eerily gorgeous when it storms, then went to her house and played with her kitten and dogs and watched funny videos on YouTube and planned adventures for the future. it was nice. Tuesday night D and I facetimed before bed which was also nice. this morning I woke up early and went with dad to drop the kids off at school. he had to show me where they get dropped off and the procedures and everything because he's going out of town to visit his friend for a few days and I might have to drop them off/ pick them up. we got back home around 8 and I texted D laying in bed before he had to go to class at 9:30. I had super bad cramps and a headache so when he went to class I just went back to sleep until around 11, when I got up and had breakfast and showered. dad dropped me off at my appointment at planned parenthood at 12:50, which took way longer than it needed to. mostly just waiting around. I got back home around 2, so I walked the dog down to Newport and got some sushi takeout and ate I at home. I left to pick up the kids from school at 3:15 and walked them back home and watched them for a couple of hours. they were pretty easy and only needed snacks and for me to change the channel on tv for them. around 6:30 I met up with D and we walked the farmers market. the sunset was covered by dark clouds but it was still nice outside. we held hands and checked out the different stands but didn't end up getting anything at the actual market. instead we stopped into a little ice cream shop and got ice cream. it's almost October which means they have my favorite flavor (black licorice. which isn't my all time favorite but one of them). he got mint chocolate chip. we ate our ice cream and walked back to his car. I messed around with him and smeared some on his cheek and he made a big fuss about it and refused to wipe it off without using a napkin or something of the sort so we had to go on this big mission to find something to wipe his face, which he just let have ice cream on it for about ten minutes. we ended up slipping inside the public Rec center and I grabbed some toilet paper from the bathroom and cleaned him off. as I was doing so he pushed me up against a wall outside and started kissing me, grabbing my ass, making my breaths get shorter and desperate. he knows I'm on my period and he knows just what to do to play with me. I mooned him walked back to the car and he laughed and slapped my bare ass. he drove me home around 8 and we sat outside my house in his car making out for a while and I felt him get hard under my hand, I was rubbing on him and playing with his balls. I figured, if he can tease me I should be able to do the same, right? so I pulled his shorts down and his boxers too and started sucking, keeping one hand on his balls. I went slow and played with the tip and he cussed and moaned and gripped the back of my neck, hard. after awhile I pulled up and kissed the tip, then him, then said goodbye. now I'm laying in bed with cramps bad as fuck, wishing for a heat pad or D to come cuddle or my mom or some chocolate.