stilltryinghereuniverse-blog

[stilltryinghereuniverse-blog]

now that I think about it

now that I think about it, I am the one with the problem

I have lead girls on, make them think I want to talk to them all the time, when in reality I hate talking, I hate having to make conversation, because I am not that interesting and I cant keep the conversation going well enough

I have commitment issues, the problem is I get so attached so fast, and then after awhile I just lose interest and I become distant. 

my mind wont just fucking stop producing all these emotions I dont know how to express, I am constantly thinking, I cant fucking focus anymore

I can barely produce sentences, if I feel like I say something stupid I constantly replay it in my head. 

I never feel like I can talk to anyone, I feel like I annoy everyone

I just keep everything inside, and its fucking draining me, I have no energy, I cant get myself to do the things I need to do to progress my life.

I always fucking something up, whether  it is my health, my relationships, anything I can fuck it up someone, and not even on purpose.  

and just to think I was actually feeling better a couple months ago, and now I am right back to where I started 

I cant sleep, nothing gives me joy anymore, I dont feel satisfied with anything. 

my brain never seems to be able to focus on one thing anymore, I forget everything now.

I really dont know what to do anymore, im struggling out here, I really hope someone helps me eventually 

[stilltryinghereuniverse-blog]

I am such an ironic person

loud crowds, background noises, make me anxious

but I can’t stand complete silence. 

I also play the drums, one of the loudest instruments.

but yelling makes me feel awful.

you could say I am back on my depressing shit again, whether I like it or not, it is sometimes I will always carry with me. 

my brain is fucking mush, its working so fast, I cant think straight anymore. I am falling into old habits I have tried to get rid of.

I look awful, I havent showered in awhile, my eyes look dead, I am emotionally not there

my attention span is becoming less and less, I cant stand talking to people anymore, I just want to be left alone, I am easily agitated. 

basically im losing my mind, again, on a downward spiral of endless emotions that I cant seem or hope to even explain to anyone, I cant find the words anymore.

I want to cry, I want scream, I have all these emotions built up inside me, I dont know how to talk about that, dont know how to express them in the right ways. 

[stilltryinghereuniverse-blog]

music for me

music for me is how interact with people, different music tastes for different people

it's also can show you how I'm feeling at that point in time

I just wanted to share some of my favorite songs with no one

TTNG - Panda

Title Fight - Your Pain is Mine Now

Tigers Jaw - Slow Come On

[stilltryinghereuniverse-blog]

this is whatever

im not much of a talker, if you know me, you know this.

I dont socialize at work, I barely talk to my roommates besides a few words like “where are you going?” or wondering how their day went

but one thing that always gets me going is music, really when I have days to myself its spent listening to new music, because its always something I find myself getting lost in

I started banging on things from a young age, 7 or 8 I would take old VHS tapes I hate and set them up like a drumset, one would say thats where I got my start

I heard tons of music from my mom, because before phone ands MP3′s took over, the only way to listen to music was CD’s or tapes she had, or CD mixes she would burn to play in the car

from creed, to maroon 5, to jet. all the way back to stuff she would listen to.

records would play through the house, consisting of dire straights, to AC/DC, to queen and just tons of other bands, I cant list them all

I started listening to my own music when it became easier for me, from stuff like green day, to blink 182, to sum-41, really anything kinda edgy for sure.

then when middle school came around, is when the harder stuff took the main spot in stuff I listened to, my personal fav was The Devil Wears Prada. there are tons of bands and classic songs I could name all day tbh, me and my older sis would listen to this stuff all the time, I made a playlist of everything I could remember, I still add stuff to it when I remember or hear old songs. 

once I hit high school another, unique type of music really took hold and has not let up, while I still love everything I listen to. and that was and is rap. 

I was really the kid that hated and made fun of rap, but with people like Logic, Childish Gambino, those people really gave me that push I needed to go deeper into the genre and all the sub genres. some of my personal favorites are Mick Jenkins, earl sweatshirt, vince staples, and mac miller. I have tons of rap I listen to, so I cant really sit here and name them all

this wasnt really the point of this whole topic but lets get to the point anyway

after hitting those VHS at a young age, it really started my love for drumming and percussion. I eventually grew away from it after a young age, but I remember seeing a middle school symphonic band when I was in 5th grade, and seeing that opened my eyes really, and I was so amazed and caught in a trance by it

so without a second thought I signed up, because I wanted to do that, so I started my journey through percussion that day. my parents got me the things I wanted but I knew they were just brushing it off as something I would give up after I got tired of it all

but I didnt, I kept with it, all the way through high school, where I was in the drumline at my high school, in the percussion section in their marching band and symphonic band

being in that environment really grew my love for music even more, being able to make great music with a big group of people and know I was one of those people really gave me the best feeling, and it something I miss now that I dont have as much time to dedicate to my drumming now that im an adult and have to focus on my job and bills 

my dream is music, whether its being behind the scenes, or being on the stage, making great music is something I really need to do, I want to do something that causes emotion, happiness, anger, sadness. because thats why I love music, it causes emotions, and feelings. 

it sucks I have grown so far away from it, I had and still have friends who think I am amazing, I mean I would hope so after all the training I had in my youth, but I still deny it, I still lack the confidence, when really, I can do it. 

its time to change, its time to chase my dream of music, its hard, the hardest thing I will ever do, but its something I need and want in my life