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[stolenmagnolias]

I went to the meeting at our usual time and Lex was actually there. He said he was surprised I showed up because he thought “I’d be too busy being pissed.” But he should know that I’m pretty good at multitasking. 

Maria showed up and at first she said it was just to talk to Lex, saying that she made the appointment and wanted him to be there. But she invited me too. I was quiet for a long time and I could feel her start to get mad before I said: Yeah. Of course I’ll be there.

And then I invited her to stay for the meeting. She stayed and she actually seemed to get really excited about the planning and working on a calendar, and after the meeting we went to Mel’s to get milkshakes and we talked for hours. I didn’t get home until about 10pm, which was crazy, but I feel great. I feel different. And I feel like we can actually do this. 

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I still haven’t spoken to Maria, but...on the bright side, dad came home today. Sort of, not forever. But it was great to finally see him. He hugged me and told me things would work out, but maybe not how I want them to, but I told him that was okay as long as I could see him again. He smiled at that. I’m just relieved that I didn’t make him leave me forever by getting involved. 

He said there’s going to be a “few changes” and that he and Mom are still “working things out.” Whatever that means. It’s a little weird right now, and I wish he had called sooner, it sucks to feel out of the loop. I think the real reason I haven’t committed to UArk yet is because I’m scared of what I’m going to come back to if I leave. 

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I talked to Sam today, he’s really proud of all the stuff I’ve been doing. He said, “Sorry I’m too stoned to help,” and I said, “That’s not an excuse.” But there’s always inactive bystanders when you’re trying to promote activism, huh? Anyway, he said he saw the article in the paper, which was really cool – cool that he can actually read, I mean. I’m kidding. 

After that, he went to the park with me to help me take photos, but that’s when the worst thing happened. There were construction workers there and a foreman came up to us and told us we weren’t allowed to be here and take pictures, that they were marking things off and the park is CLOSED. They don’t start construction until the end of the summer, but they’re closing the park now?

It doesn’t make any sense!!!

Anyway, a whole crew of workers escorted me and my brother away from the park, which was extremely frustrating and unnecessary. I only had a camera with me and we were supremely unintimidating and gave them no reason to think we wouldn’t cooperate. Except for all of the yelling I did, and maybe the part where I said that I’d never leave and they could never tear down my park. Maybe that. 

Anyways, that just means we have to work faster and speak up even more.    

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I had a bit of a fight with Lex today.

I’m still angry Maria wasn’t involved. He found out that I tried to go see her again today, and he told me to leave her alone. I didn’t understand where the hell he was coming from with that – the park was Jeremy’s favorite, she should want to help. He said I’m being stupid, that she’s obviously going through some shit and doesn’t want to think about the park or Jeremy, but Lex is the one being stupid. 

After all, I know that maybe Maria’s upset now, but she’s going to regret it if she doesn’t help take part in this. And has Lex even considered how hard it might be for me to not have her around? That hey, this is affecting all of us? God, he has the emotional range of a goldfish. Floating along like all of this is totally fine and we have the capacity to be understanding of others in the midst of our own shit.

Whatever. I want my friend, Maria, back and if he’s going to be a dick about it, he can stay out of my way. 

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The Pointsett Gazette called today, apparently they saw my website and some Facebook posts and wanted to ask me about what I’m doing. We’re actually gaining a little traction and I convinced Lex to meet with me outside of his usual work hours at the gas station. We even had our first official meeting at the library, to plan protests and look at the schedule for town hall meetings. 

Maria didn’t come though. I could really use her help, she’s always been good at planning.

A lot of people showed up to support, but we definitely felt unorganized, because we’re just kids and we know our goal, but getting there still feels a little uncertain. I can’t keep track of all of this on top of everything else, and I could...really, really use her help. A lot of people came up to me afterward though and said they really appreciate what we’re doing and they agree. They love the park and want to help any way they can.

I honestly thought it would just be me and Lex in the room, so I’m a bit surprised at all of the community support. But it tells me that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m on the right path. It’s actually even motivating me a little bit, that even if my family could care less about this and even though it took so much effort to get my friends to care (and Maria still doesn’t), the people of Pointsett really do. They really want this park and they really love it. 

I love it too. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything that felt as important as this.

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After what happened with my parents, I went back to Maria’s. I’d rather deal with her problems than my own anyway, and I haven’t spoken to her until I realized what happened. She explained to me how much it would hurt to keep the baby, because even certain t-shirts remind her of him and that hurts, and with a child, she doesn’t think she could live with it. I understand that, I guess.

I feel weird about it, but she told me straight up. If I’m not okay with it, I’m not her friend. I told her I was sorry and that I understand, but it was still weird. I mentioned that Lex and I are going to work on posters later and that she should come, that while it might be painful, that keeping his memory alive in some way is important.

She didn’t seem really enthusiastic about it, but I hope we can fix things. I can’t imagine how alone she feels right now, making this decision with no support, and god knows I need help if I’m going to be able to save this freaking park. 

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I think I made a huge mistake. I told my dad. It felt like the right thing at the time, it felt wrong that he didn’t know, but when I saw the look on his face, I really felt like I made a mistake. He just looked so heartbroken and he stormed out. I could hear him and my mom yelling from my room and the door slam. I just want them to work it out and fix their issues, not just allow themselves to become even more broken. I know everyone just thinks I should mind my own business, but I can’t not care. This is my family and everything seems to be falling apart.

My Snapchat memories brought up one of my favorite videos of Jeremy today. It’s this video where he’s hugging this ugly tree, he says, “Pretty things? They don’t have character. Normal things? They’re boring. And this tree? It’s not like the other.” Maria and Lex hurl insults at him about the tree, but he just laughs and says he loves this tree. The tree that looks like it got struck by lightning, the tree that looks a little more broken than the rest.

The tree that probably wouldn’t make it to its own high school graduation. 

When I talked to my mom at breakfast this morning, she said I should have minded my own business, that I spoke too soon and she wanted to talk to him. But why didn’t she? It’s been weeks and she keeps treating me like a child who doesn’t understand and doesn’t know what’s going on, but I was practically dragged into it when she was careless enough to let me get involved. This is just like at the funeral, where my parents just wanted to pretend like nothing happened, like I didn’t lose my best friend, and now she wants to pretend that everything’s fine and that Dad didn’t just walk out last night. 

I need her to fix it and she won’t and all she wants to do is ask about my college acceptances. 

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I talked to Lex where he works. He’s down to support and let me use the station as a base, and to hang out and make posters, but as usual, he’s too lazy to help or something. I told him about Maria too and he kind of took her side, but whatever, I can’t stay mad at him. Right now he’s being kind of resistant about my fundraising campaign, but I’ll win him over. I know it.

I talked to him about my parents too. He doesn’t think I should tell my dad. In fact, Lex straight up said, “Do not get involved.” But they’re MY parents, and I can’t stand looking at my dad and seeing him not knowing, and I feel like I should tell him. It doesn’t seem right not to and everything just feels like lying all the time. I’m just scared of losing him. 

But hey, does it even matter at this point?

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Maria’s pregnant. 

I don’t know what else to say but that, really. She’s pregnant and everything’s all fucked up. No wonder she hasn’t been talking to me. I invited myself over earlier to tell her about my idea, to save the park and get a memorial in Jeremy’s honor. I even started and Instagram and everything already and I’m going to build a website. But she wasn’t having any of it and I didn’t understand why...

And then I figured it out.

She’s pregnant and it’s Jeremy’s and she’s going to have an abortion. I don’t even know what to do or what to say. After all, it’s her decision, but...I just don’t even know what to say right now, I was so upset. First of all, at Jeremy and Maria for being so fucking irresponsible that this situation even exists in the first place. Not to mention that you’d think this situation would make her want to remember him more or at least to just help me save the park that meant so much to him, to us. 

All I know is that it’s more important than ever for me to keep going, to make this happen, and to save the park. Someone needs to keep Jeremy’s legacy alive. Even thought he’s not around, he can count on me.

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Sam brought me one of those flyers where they’re warning people about demolishing the park. I keep rewatching the video from that night, where Jeremy’s asking us to save the park with him and it reminds me that no one loved the place like he did. If he was around, maybe we really could’ve done something to save it, but I guess we’ll never know.

Sam thinks I should do it anyway.

Maybe I will.

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It was even worse than I thought it would be. I needed to borrow my mom’s heels because I nearly forgot that we need black shoes and I don’t have any formal ones. So, I ran in without knocking. I thought my parents had already left anyway.

My dad had with my brother, but NOT my mom. And NOT the other guy she was kissing. God, Sam and I have known that her and dad’s marriage was fucked for a while, but I never thought she’d do something like that. Things almost seemed like they were getting better for a bit, but I feel so stupid. How could she be so fucking selfish? I don’t know what to do now. I feel like I should tell dad, he deserves to know, but...at the same time, I don’t want him to know. I guess I’m a little selfish too, for wanting things to go back to how they used to be.

Graduation was pretty much a blur after that, I couldn’t think of anything else. Lex and Maria didn’t even want to take photos together afterward. I guess it’s for the best because I don’t think any of us could fake a smile.

I’m sitting at the kitchen table now after the mess that was this morning. I’m just looking at college acceptances now so I can get the HELL out of here, and I know I really should commit to UArk. I’m scared to though. Sam just came by and I thought he’d be going to meet up with Billy and Emma but he wasn’t. They’ve really grown apart since they went to college and I think the same thing will happen to me, Maria, and Lex. After all, we already don’t talk like we used to and if I leave now, we’ll never be able to fix things between us. Now’s the worst possible time for me to leave town. 

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I can’t believe tomorrow is graduation. It feels weird to think I’ll be standing up there without him. He actually didn’t think he would be standing up here this year, he nearly failed remedial algebra. He used to just skip it all the time to fuck off and smoke with Lex since he thought the class was a waste of time. He realized that he actually might be stuck at school another year if he didn’t pass and to pass, he had to get a 98 on the last exam. An impossible feat for the boy who'd hardly scored higher than a 60. I poured so many hours into tutoring him and helping him study for the past month, I could tell he was getting pissed at me, even, but there was no way I was going to walk without him.

Big waste of time, huh? It didn’t matter anyway. 

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Jeremy’s funeral was a disaster. I mean, the service part was nice, I guess. I’d never really been to a funeral before, so I think that part went well at least. At the wake, it didn’t even look like him. Jeremy was always so alive, full of energy, always running around, yelling, laughing. Even when he slept, he would toss and turn like crazy. To see him so still...it didn’t make sense. Jeremy would never be that still. Even in death, probably. I just can’t imagine him like that, even though I’ve seen it with my own eyes now – still, lifeless as he was lowered into the ground, just laying there waiting for the bugs to help continue the circle of life. Seeing the body is when you’re supposed to believe that someone is really gone, like a realization is supposed to dawn on you maybe, but it was then that this all just seemed like a big hoax and gave me this false hope that he’s probably out there somewhere laughing, totally fine.

I miss Maria and Lex. I asked them to come hang out after the service and all, but they blew me off. They keep blowing me off. I feel like now more than ever, it’s important for us to be there for each other, but they don’t seem to care. Maybe they don’t need me, but I need them. My family isn’t any comfort, at least. Immediately, my dad wants to go out to eat, like we’re celebrating or something – or like he think it’ll cheer me up. I’m clearly upset, like all my friends are pushing me away and I’ve just lost someone who was pretty much half of me and my mom sees I’m upset and she gets worried that I’m going to make a scene? Like our fucking family’s reputation is more important than what I’m going through. 

Next thing you know, we get in the car and my parents have just started arguing (as usual) about shit that hardly matters. They’re screaming about what we should eat and making this whole ordeal about them and their stupid marital problems. Then Dad starts ripping into Sam because Sam tries to break it up and Dad turns it around on how Sam can’t pay for his own meals anyway because he doesn’t have a job and has no ambition, again, the same argument they always have. Then my parents start arguing about whose fault it is that Sam’s that way and it all becomes about who’s a better parent and nothing is about how Jeremy’s six feet under and none of this fucking matters anyway.

I feel fucking terrible and there’s no one I can talk to about it.

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I told Sam about the park. He grew up there too, because our parents used to take us there all the time. Sam can remember a time before mom and dad started fighting and I wonder what it would have been like to go to the park with them then. But it doesn’t matter because they’re tearing it down anyway. He doesn’t seem to care too much.

The funeral is tomorrow. I don’t really want to go. Jeremy would hate the whole thing anyway.

My mom’s talking to me about college, which I still haven’t committed to. I pretty much can only go to UArk at this point because it’s way past the deadline for the others. I just can’t even think about college at this point. It almost feels wrong knowing that Jeremy couldn’t go, so I don’t want to. I don’t want to go to this stupid funeral, I don’t want to go to stupid college, I don’t want to pretend like nothing’s happened.

I tried calling Maria today, but she didn’t pick up. As expected. I don’t know, I’m not sure whether it would feel better or worse to talk to her.

I just feel lost.

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I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t known what to say. I haven’t known how to talk to anyone, what to do, or even how to cry. I’m not really sure what to do in this sort of situation, and even writing about it now seems trivial. I’ll just never find the right words. 

Jeremy died last Saturday. After prom, we went to the park. He’d been drinking. Everyone had, except me, because I don’t. Maybe now I never will. We got into an accident. Everyone else is fine, well, physically. I haven’t really spoken to any of them, mostly because I haven’t known what to say to them either. Everyone keeps asking me: Are you okay? How are you? And I don’t know how to answer that. What do they want me to say? 

I hate it.

It just seems so unfair. That some shitty people get their whole lives, that I’ll get to live my whole life (presumably) and that was all Jeremy got. Those eighteen years. That was it for him and he had no idea. I mean, he was never the sort of person you could imagine as getting old and sitting around, but...I just can’t believe that was it. Everything he existed as, and I can’t help but think about all of the things he’ll never experience.

At least he won’t have to see the park get torn down. 

When we were there, we saw the signs. They’re closing it by the end of the summer to tear it all down, chop down every tree and build a strip mall. I can’t think of anything more fitting, of course, that the park can’t exist without Jeremy, but he’d be so upset if he saw it. That night, while we were all sitting in the park in our fancy gowns and bare feet, he was really adamant about saving it. He said, in a drunken tirade that we grew up in the park, it’s where we became friends. “It’s where I became who I am today,” he said. Something like, “I bet we’re not the only people it means a lot to, other people made life changing decisions, met their wives, or even just had a nice day walking around in nature. A mall can’t do that for people.” He really wanted to campaign to save it or something, he didn’t shut up about it in the car on the way home. It was the last thing he was talking about before the accident. 

It all seems so stupid now. 

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Prom is supposed to be this magical experience, at least, in the movies. Growing up, I always anticipated my prom the way girls anticipate weddings – I’d dream about my dress, the perfect date, the way the lights would sparkle during the slow dance...I don’t really feel the same way any more. Prom just feels like another thing that people have crazy expectations about and they don’t really get met. Mom and Dad probably wish I felt the same way, that I was going to prom with Lacey and Sarah from church and my date would be Lacey’s brother, John. And I’d have that “magical dance,” except John would probably step on my feet and not laugh at any of my jokes anyway. 

So, maybe even if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted, I’m happy to have my friends. Mom probably wishes the Caldwells had moved into any other house, anything to keep Jeremy from becoming my best friend in the world, but I couldn’t be happier. I’d probably be stuck in my same old bubble without him and I’d be really sad. Not that I approve of everything he does, Jeremy’s crazy, but I love him. Maria’s going as his date to the prom, his actual date, they finally stopped dancing around the subject and started dating.

Granted, they’ve been sleeping together since junior year, but they’ve probably been into each other longer than that. It’s a pretty backwards way of doing things, in my opinion, but I’m just glad they finally decided to make it official. Jeremy was being so obnoxious otherwise. 

Lex is going as my date, but just as friends. Though I’d love to see the look on my mom’s face if she thought I was dating a guy like Lex. Granted, I don’t know what Maria is going to be wearing, but I’m sure it’ll provoke a similar reaction from my mom anyway. Mom’s coming in to help me get ready in a bit, she always does, but I kind of wish that she wouldn’t this time. 

I don’t know, all of these things, prom, graduation...I don’t have any of it figured out. I like where I am now, with my friends, in Pointsett. I don’t feel ready to go to college and leave it all behind. I always felt like I had all the time in the world, but right now, everything is changing so fast. Growing up, prom always felt like it was forever away. Now, it’s any minute.