stoneystutlaa-blog - Tumblr blog

[stoneystutlaa-blog]

Looking for a dealer that’s legit I got the money

[stoneystutlaa-blog]

I’ll say what i wanna say because I ain’t no how and i know how to swing these bitches if somebody is feelin a lil jumpy. Ain’t no orange outfit or khakis gonna stop me from my hustle baby. I finesse life.

[stoneystutlaa-blog]

Baby I’m fienin, fienin for meanin. I take another dose and start believing. I plunge relief into my veins, I’m done running for the day

[stoneystutlaa-blog]

art by Justin Baehr

[stoneystutlaa-blog]

S e p t e m b e r 1 7 , 2 0 2 0

-journal entry about struggling w addiction

Sometimes I wish I was able to see the same good in myself that everyone else does, it’s difficult trying to put on a persona that is the EXACT opposite of who you are on the inside. Everyone saw me as a theiving needle junkie who only cared about himself two years ago, and now they all see someone who has crawled out from that dark place and emerged into an honest family oriented sober young man. Little do they know what REALLY goes on behind closed doors. I’m still spinning in my madness when I’m alone. I’m still dabbling in my methamphetamine habit, and I’m still tying off to slam almost every time I use. Nobody can be disappointed if nobody knows that I’m dancing with the devil again. You’d think after losing every single thing I loved, getting taken away from whatever type of place I called home for a year and some change, getting my calls ignored by my family cause it’s too painful for them to pick up, losing all my friends because they are either dying or because I robbed/stole from them to feed my habit... you’d just think that enough would be enough. I was happy when I was home and drug free, I was proud of myself for the first time in my entire life. A small slip up has evolved into a meth binge lasting 3 weeks out of every month and a million poke marks on both my arms to prove it. What am I trying so hard to mask? What’s truly the root of my heart ache? Am I ever going to feel glad to wake up again? Am I ever going to be content with just being the sober Jedidiah Stutler? My family thrives off my success, so why can’t I? Why must I constantly give up on myself and quit doing what I’m supposed to do? Why do I feel like no matter what I do or change, I’m always gonna be that strung out, careless, lonely person. Please god, if you are listening into this journal entry, help me find a way out. I can’t suffer any longer. I want to live God.