stopcomingtothispageweirdo

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

its been some weeks. i’m back to talk about my feelings.

i’ve learned so much. i’ve completely removed everyone lower than me in my life out of it. family. friends. everyone irrelevant. i’m the most alone, i’ve ever been. ever. it sucks but it’s for the better. i’ll adjust sooner or later. my ex’s are happy and doing better. my friends seem to be all doing well. i carry so much negative energy. i’m the problem. i’ve always been. the weight off their shoulders lifted mine in a sense. i’ve forgotten a lot. i like to drink and forget. memories are just gone in the wind. maybe ill just do a buncha drugs & overdose. die in peace.

i’ll be back sooner or later.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

“be the clover for me, when i run out of luck”

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

you can break my heart, just don’t break my soul

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i feel like i haven’t attempted to be better. 2024, i’m gonna try more. maybe. i’ll try to try. fuck man.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i miss autumn. she was a season that was a little too important for me. she was too perfect & i fucked it all up.

i don’t internally feel pain anymore. that’s okay ig. am i selfish? i think i do selfish shit sometimes but i’m not a selfish person. maybe i am, idfk.

part of me REALLY wants to go back but i start thinking about it all and then reality sets in hard & i realize… it’ll never be the same. i feel like it i had anything to say to close that chapter it would be;

i’m sorry i destroyed your trust & i’ll always love you.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

earth sucks. i wish i was important.

if i die, at the moment i leave behind nothing.

we’re all just living to die right? the only thing that holds value post-life is remembering. remembrance.

oh, i get it.

remember to remember.

silly guy.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

lucille, i’m lucille now. the other me is non-existent.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i miss her sm. i hope she gets better. it’s driving me crazy. it’s like i wanna cry but i cannot. if she dies idk, i’m committing idc.

this year fucking sucks. everything fucking sucks. i’m so tired of this music shit. everyone is fake as fuck. everything is one song away. one reel or tiktok away. one fucking step away for years and years. i’m losing everything. it’s all fucking meaningless. i’m really doing my best and it’s all going to waste. i feel pointless. i feel useless. i just wanna put the barrel in my mouth & pull it. every single thing i have gained this year means NOTHING. the universe won’t even let me be happy with a partner. a relationship. i can’t even enjoy simple shit. i can’t even breathe.

but if i kill myself, i’m the bad guy. when i die, everyones my friend and everyone cared about me. right? this life shit sucks. all of it fucking sucks. i don’t find joy or happiness anymore. manifesting doesn’t work, wishing doesn’t work, trying doesn’t work. being fake doesn’t work. nothing works.

i just wanna rip all of my skin off & die. i just wanna die. i don’t even know if i’m too scared to do it. i just don’t have the tools to go out quick. i just wanna end it & never look back. i genuinely fucking tried to suppress this feeling for ONE person. and i ruined that shit too. it’s like i’m a fucking plague. i feel like everything just decays around me.

i’m tired of the voices, i’m tired of the screams, i’m tired of not being able to sleep, i’m tired of being better THAN EVERYONE whilst being treated like trash. it all quite literally slips from my grasp. i’m like a inch away from giving it all up. i’m so fucking done.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i want to completely recreate myself. new name, new brand. new everything. like saying that shit outloud sounds disgusting to me. i. lost. mari. nigga ew.

i will create something better. i will do better.

i do really want to make it. fuck it man, finna start praying.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

it’s xmas. i feel terrible. i feel like the universe just wants to rip me apart. i miss her so much. right as i find someone new, something i feel is genuine. she almost dies. i really hope she’s okay. i’m gonna do everything i can for her.

i just wish she was in my arms & we were watching scott pilgrim vs the world again.

i haven’t really been home for the past week or so. i’ve been escaping a lot. drinking a lot. living life i suppose. i feel so damn lost. i don’t feel like doing music or creating. now i feel like doing it less.

i’ve completely lost structure & purpose. that’s okay though.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i keep making these stupid little songs about her. i need to stop cause i get sad & never drop them. quick! someone shoot me.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

cutting myself, what am i to do…

is it… is it pretty?

isn’t this… what you wanted?

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i had a dream about blue today. i know she wouldn’t be proud of me but, idk… i hope she’s happy. lots of things are better & do better without me around anyways.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i still miss autumn, she taught me a lot.

but i know everything in the universe happens for a reason.

so, ill just do my best to improve and get better.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i’m back. i need to cleanse my mind. combat master is a great game. helps me forget. not like league tho, league is a brain wiper. all my bad feelings/emotions are gone. sometimes i wake up & i feel like my ribcage is gonna open up & rip my chest. i just drink & it goes away. i’ve been drinking a lot. autumn is gone, time for the summertime.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

idk what to do. i want her so bad.

[stopcomingtothispageweirdo]

i fucked up so bad. it feels like my chest is vibrating. tingling outside of my chest. i literally feel my heart pumping. my fingertips are like filled with lightning. everything feels funny. i feel so much pain right now. anxiety. torment. it’s like i wanna cry but if i do i’ll explode. i messed up so much. i just wanna die. i wanna die so bad.