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[storiesbyjudyyy]

What would you rather take?

Not having your dad be apart of your life growing up , I can sympathize with . 

But would you be able to empathize with having a loving dad that was your role model just up and leave ? Became a monster and now look at with disgust ?

Which of the 2 tragedies would you rather take ?

I would say the first , because that way at least you don't know that stranger and can continue on with your life not having to question what the fuck you could have done to turn a once wonderful man into a worthless piece of shit. 

Coming from someone who had an amazing father growing up , I can truly say , I resent that man for who he is and what he put my family through - most of all put me through. 

That was one man on this pitiful and sickening world that could do no wrong. 

Someone who was my very best friend. My rock . 

Even when he was wrong, I stood up for him and was on his side. 

But what about when suddenly the man you put on such a high pedestal you lost all respect and love for ? 

What does he become then? Would you be able to say I forgive him ?

That is what im struggling with. A once upon a time great man that I could run to for absolutely anything in this world , is now someone I can't stand to even look at without having a sense of anger or pure disgust. 

I will never forget: I was at work at one of the elderly people’s home that I was taking care of in PA, (I used to go to PENNSTATE and worked as a patient care aide and went to their houses to help them) and I was dealing with my depression. See, I was diagnosed with major chronic depression (I think it was passed down from BOTH my parents and was faced to deal with it alone - but I wasn't alone) in 2014. Back to the story, I was having a rough day, not sure why but just one of those days where - you know - just seems like nothing can go your way. I didn't want to be at work , but I had to go , how else would I have money to pay bills with or have and not have to ask my parents for? Right . So I forced myself to go to work (it was only going to be for like 3 hours anyways), and when I got there, I just started crying. I was having an anxiety attack just sitting in the kitchen of this old man’s house. I didn't know what was going on with me. Hadn't experienced anything like this, and didn't know what was happening to me and that surely didn't help either. So I called my dad. See , I could call my dad for anything and everything , no matter where I was, no matter what was going on, I called my dad. Being away from my family sucked, I didn't have a car, I didn't have my family with me. I didn't want to bother my friends because I know we all have lives we live. I still remember when I called him, he was home. He answered and said “ohhh hey Joo Hee, what's wrong?” in such a cheery way. I just said “Appa, I don't know what's wrong with me. i.... don't ....” and started balling crying. He said its because of depression . He has it to - I think I got it from him lol. “it’s okay, just breathe... let’s sing. what's a song what you want to sing ? hmmm” Me:” I don't .... know....” He literally just started singing twinkle twinkle little star ...... I started laughing and he said to me “I love you my daughter .. no matter where you are in this world, I will be here for you. when you feel like this , just start singing... think of good things” 

Now how do you go from being literally my favorite person in this entire universe who had me for anything -- turn into this person that I don't even want to encounter again ?? 

WHAT ABOUT ME ??! You can't even look at me -- and I definitely can't look at you without RAGE, RESENTMENT, DISGUST, DISRESPECT, the list goes on. 

How can you just leave me to be this hateful person ? 

What you did to me is unforgivable and makes me hate you. 

You are not even half the man of woman I have become...