storiesfromhome

[storiesfromhome]

Memorable family quotes

Conversation with Everett (3.5yrs) and Finn (5yrs)

E: Finn, when you grow up, do you want to be a cat?

F: (seriously contemplating the question). Well I don't know if I could be a cat when I grow up......

E: Why?

F: Look at dada. He's a grown up and he's not a cat!

E: And you would have to be orange.

Me: Why?

E: Because Mac is orange and he would have to be an orange cat!

Another conversation with the boys:

Me: Did you know that humans are the only ones that have chins? I heard this fact on the radio.

E: Doesn't Mac have a chin?

Me: No.

E: But not everything has a head....

Me: Yes, everything has a head, just not a chin.

E: No! Not everything has a head.

Me: What do you mean? What doesn't have a head?

E: (Takes a moment to consider the question) A ball doesn't have a head.

Me: I guess you're right. A ball doesn't have a head. A ball is just a head and body all in one!

[storiesfromhome]

Baby Ev

My dearest Ev,

Here you are, almost 9 months old, and I look at you in amazement at this perfect little boy that you are. You're so curious, inquisitive and sweet. You watch your intense older brother bounce around, yelling and creating chaos, and you just take it all in. I'm glad that you're learning to fight back against him. You use your voice to let your displeasure be known when he grabs your toys. You wave your arms and smack the table when you want something or when we are not feeding you fast enough. Right from the beginning, we knew that you were distinctly different from Finn. You slept easily, took naps more easily and overall, are just more easygoing. We don't think twice about taking you out on day trips or extending your wake times, because even when you are tired, you're not angry or belligerent.

At Angela's wedding, you were awake for four hours and still you just smiled, flashed your dimples at everyone and charmed the crowds. You fell asleep easily in the car seat and then went for bed just as usual. I can see you learning about the world around you. Watching your brother walking, running and jumping. You are starting to pull up and want to stand all the time. You are adept at feeding yourself and love all types of food. You'll fit in well with the rest of us!

Some of my favourite times are when I am breastfeeding you and you look up at me with these large beautiful blinking eyes. You gaze so adoringly at me and I feel like I'm your entire world. It's an incredible feeling. I look at you and your brother and I am amazed that your dad and I made you both. From scratch. Both of you didn't exists 3 years ago and we created you from our DNA. It's incredible.

I know that you are your own person but the comparisons with your brother will be inevitable. I know that you will forge your own path and have your own personality, but I just hope that you guys will love each other and be close. Your brother should be your best friend. Someone to cause mischief with and to have adventures with. I can't wait to watch the relationship between the both of you grow.

Love you lots,

Mom

[storiesfromhome]

Almost Christmas

It's unbelievable how quickly time keeps passing by. Ev is 15 months old and Finn is almost 3 years old. They are no longer babies but active engaging toddlers. Ev is moving fast, mostly on his hands and feet but starting to get braver and taking a few steps on his own. He likes to hold onto something for security but quickly realizes that he's faster when he's crawling, so drops to the ground. He has found his voice and he uses it unabashedly! He will voice his displeasure when we are not doing something fast enough for him or when Finn is taking his toys. He has learned that by giving a loud peremptory yell it will bring us running to the room, usually scolding Finn on the way, without even knowing what happened. Ev is in the stage where he loves to eat - everything and especially if it's what everyone else is eating. He hates being left out! He loves his big brother so much. He always crawls into Finn's room with a huge smile on his face, ready to see what is in store for him. Ev is more snuggly than Finn was and he still loves being held. He will bury his face in your shoulder and wants to be right in the middle of the action. He will kick and scream when taken away from play time even if it's just for a short diaper change! His words are coming along in spurts but he is exploring different sounds and noises. He has learned some animal sounds and basic words like mama, dada, uh oh, hot and stuck. He still haven't said "Finn" yet! Ev has a great cackle and loves to laugh at his dad's antics. He is a strong boy and can violently twist and turn to get down if he doesn't want to be picked up!

This Christmas is the first one where Finn might start to understand what is going on. I don't think he gets the "Santa" concept on being good to get a present because sometimes when we try to bribe him (mostly with food!), he will say that he doesn't want the treat. He enjoys looking at the decorations and he's already broken a couple of our glass ornaments off our tree when he rearranges them. He loves the song Frosty the Snowman and Ruldolph and we have plenty of presents under our tree but again, I don't think he realizes what they are for. I'll give it another year!

The hardest part over the last few months has been the sleeping and viral illnesses. It feels like both of the boys have been sick on and off since September. With that and Ev's teeth coming in, he has only slept through the night a handful of times in the last few months. It is slowly killing Mark and I. We are more exhausted then I ever thought was possible. I have dark circles under my eyes that I have never seen before and it just seems like we are never able to catch up. Just when we feel like the kids are starting to get better, I get sick and the cycle starts all over again. Ev seems happy and playful during the day but at night, he can just be inconsolable. Lately the only thing that will calm him down so that he will sleep is when we lie down on the floor next to him. There were weeks when he was drinking 15 oz of milk at night and he was soaking through all his diapers! Now a good night is when he only gets up once and we are able to get him back to sleep quickly. A bad night, we can be up 3 times and for at least an hour each time. Needless to say, Mark and I are exhausted and run down. I don't know how we function most days! Because of this, we are more impatient with him and less engaged in play. We set our mind in neutral and let him play by himself sometimes but usually he doesn't let us sit idly by.

Finn and Ev have started to play a bit more together. There is still jealousy and competition, mostly with Finn grabbing toys away from Ev, but sometimes they will chase each other and Finn can make Ev laugh. Even when they are in the play room together, it is still more parallel play and they don't interact with each other too much.

This Christmas will be a bit different than last. A bit quieter with less family here. Only my dad will be here for Christmas day and Mark's family will be coming up later. It will nice as we figure out our own family traditions. I'd like to try and focus less on presents and materialism and more on the spirit of Christmas - generosity, kindness and time with family. I'm hoping I'll be successful!

[storiesfromhome]

Finn is now two years old!

My dearest Finn,

I can’t believe you are now two years old! It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when you were just a newborn because the two years have flown by. I know it’s cliché but they say that the nights are long but the years are short and that is so true with you. You have grown so much and are turning into such a delightful and intelligent little boy. You amaze me every day with the things that you pick up and your vocabulary is growing at an exponential pace. You make us laugh every day in your delight in all these little things and if is such a joy to see.

I know that there are moments every day when you are frustrated with your lack of ability to do certain things or to find the words to communicate to us, and we can see your stubbornness shine through when you want to try to master skills over and over again, but I know that the struggles will only make you a stronger person. You already have learned so much and are so quick to pick up on certain skills. I love watching you learn new things because you are so proud of yourself! We are also so proud of you!

I can’t believe how much I love you. I could not imagine that my life was whole without you. Even though there are days where I want to wring your little neck, you just turn and look at me and say something so sweet, even if it’s just “mama” and I’m yours all over again. I’m glad you’re still small enough that I can hold you in my arms and cuddle with you because I know those days are numbered. You’re already so busy and active and the only time I get to cuddle with you is after your nap or before you go to sleep at night. I’ll miss those times the most.

I love it when you kiss me right on the mouth and stroke my hair or my face. I love it when you throw your arms around my neck to give me a hug or when you want to climb into my lap to read a book. I love it when you rub your cheek next to mine. Those moments I will cherish forever.

I am so excited to see what the future will bring for you and I know that you will do great things with your life. I wish you nothing but happiness, health, and love. I can’t wait to see what type of man you will become because I’m sure it will be amazing!

Your mother always

[storiesfromhome]

First time feeling like I got this...

Our nanny has been off for the past two days, so I’ve been handling both kids on my own. It’s been the first time since Everett has been born that I feel like I could actually handle the kids on my own. In the past, every time our nanny wasn’t able to make it in, I would feel such a sense of anxiety and stress. I would get angry at her and hope that Mark would be able to stay home and help out because I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I dreaded the spring because I know that’s when Mark will be travelling for work and I would be on my own more often. But the last few days have actually been enjoyable!

I don’t know if it’s because Finn is older now and Everett is a very easy going baby, or maybe it’s just because I am more comfortable in dealing with them, but I feel like I can actually handle it now. I can get Everett sleeping for his naps and keep Finn from losing his shit. I can spend one-on-one time with Finn and have him stay busy when I am feeding or trying to put Ev down to sleep. Also, Finn has been better playing on his own so that helps. Everett has been easier to put down for his naps too, so I don’t spend too much time rocking him. But all these things combined has given me confidence that I can actually do this!

I don’t think I could be a stay at home mom and I admire and applaud those women who do, because I definitely couldn’t do it more long term. Now at least I feel like I can handle my own children!! I know it seems like a small accomplishment but it’s actually a very big deal to me! I didn’t think I would struggle this much with looking after two kids, but it’s actually been much harder than I thought it would be. I am so fortunate to have a nanny who is there to help out, so that Finn can get out to his activities and I can have some alone time with the baby. It’s been a hard adjustment because Finn is still quite the mama’s boy and he’s still not entirely happy with sharing me with Everett. But things are getting better and each day seems to be an improvement.

I’m sure something will change and I’ll be struggling all over again but I’ll take this as a small victory for now!

[storiesfromhome]

Welcoming #2

Baby #2 has arrived and is almost three weeks old now! So much has happened in the last few weeks but the lead up to the delivery was probably just as exciting and unexpected.

I’ve been considering a TOLAC since I was about 34 weeks pregnant. To be honest, it wasn’t even on my radar at first until we were at Sportball and another pregnant mom was telling me that she was going to trial labour with her second, because she wanted to be able to lift her first baby. That was the first time that I started to seriously consider it, because Finn is still quite attached to me and likes to be lifted up. Up until then, I had assumed that I would just have a repeat C-section because it went so smoothly last time and I was happy to do it again. But the more I thought about it, the better it seemed to be for my relationship with Finn and my postpartum phase. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be to be restricted in lifting Finn into the highchair, change table, stroller and crib and I think it would change our relationship. I discussed it with my Ob friends, my Ob and the family doc who was following my pregnancy. I looked up journal articles, shared them with Mark and discussed it at length. 

Of course I was scared, for all the same reasons I didn’t have a vaginal delivery with my first baby. The risks and complications with labour and the unexpected timing and inability to plan. I had already arranged for our nanny and my mom to help out with the first 6 weeks after my schedule c-section so that I wouldn’t have to lift Finn, but if I went into labour at any time, who would look after him? If it was in the middle of the night, who would we call? Our nanny was not very accommodating and lives 45 minutes away so that wasn’t a great option. We have friends who are close by but they all have jobs and their own small children so it’s a big ask to drop off our toddler in the middle of the night. Mark’s parents are 4.5 hours away so they would definitely come whenever we called but it would be something we could rely on with short notice. The only weekend I was really freaking out about was Labour Day because all of our friends were away and we really had no one to call if I went into labour. I decided that if it happened in the middle of the night, we would either have to bring Finn to hospital, or leave Mark at home until someone could look after Finn and he could join me. Luckily, it didn’t happen!

Mark and I ended up deciding that if I went into labour on my own before my section date, then I would try to have a vaginal delivery but I would have a low threshold to convert to a section if there was any indications or complications. My BP started going up a little bit around 38 weeks so I was checked out a few times and didn’t require any treatment. I saw my Ob on Sept 6 and went over my plan with her. We decided that she would sweep me the next day after my last day in the OR. The next day, everything went well and she said that I had a favourable cervix which was already dilated 2cm and 40% effaced. I was pretty happy and hopeful! I started having more Braxton Hicks but the weekend passed uneventfully. We ended up calling in Mark’s parents to come down early in case anything happened so they arrived on Sunday Sept 9, which is only 3 days earlier than we had expected. On Tuesday Sept 11, I went to the IWK because I was feeling a little “off” and I wanted my BP checked and my cervix check again. I was seen quickly and my BP was borderline, so they offered me a C-section or induction right away because I was term. The other option was to have a repeat sweet and to check my BP regularly until my section date, which was booked for Sept 14. After my second sweep, again the Ob on-call was quite optimistic, saying my cervix was now 4cm and again favourable. 

Over the next 24 hours, I continued to have Braxton Hicks that seem to come and go. I would have them regularly for a few hours and then not all for a period of time. Since I didn’t labour at all with Finn, I wasn’t sure if this was labour but I was told that when my contractions were 4 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute for at least 1 hour, then I should come to hospital, so I was holding on to that. On Sept 12, I took Finn to get a haircut, I went to the mall to get a new Appletv and I did some chores around the house. After dinner, I started getting stronger pains that were lasting 1 minute but were still only 10-12 minutes apart. We watched some tv and then headed to bed. In the past, I was always able to sleep with the Braxton Hicks and they would disappear at some point in the night but that night, I lay awake for 4 hours timing my contractions and unable to sleep. Some of the contractions were strong enough that I would have to get up and stand and I wasn’t able to talk through them. Oddly enough, it also seemed like I had to pee after every one! By 2am, I had had enough. I woke Mark up and told him that I wanted to go to hospital. If labour was much worse than the pains I was already having then I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle it. I was worried that I was just a wimp and couldn’t handle these Braxton Hicks but in the end decided that I would go in to get checked out anyways. The worst case scenario would be that they would just send me home and tell me to tough it up!

We packed up all of our stuff and grabbed a few snacks. We debated waking up  N&C to let them know what was happening, but because I wasn’t sure if we were going to stay, we decided to just go and see what happened. I was actually thinking that I was going to be sent home, so when Mark dropped me off at the front desk, I told him not to bring in the overnight bag! The ELAU was empty at 3:30am, so I got in right away and I had a few contractions in front of the nurse and resident, which was good because I was scared that they were going to disappear once I got to hospital. Then I got checked and the nurse told me incredulously that I was already 8-9cm and almost completely dilated! I was so surprised and felt very validated that I had come to hospital! I wasn’t a wimp! I’m glad that I came to hospital because who knows what would have happened if I didn’t! 

It was still a bit strange because my contractions were still only 10 minutes apart but they were stronger. They rushed me upstairs, put in an IV and luckily called the anesthesiologist right away to put in my epidural. It was life changing! I got a CSE and immediately felt relief. The contractions faded away to nothing and I had a tingly feeling in both my legs, like they were falling asleep. I still had really good movement in my legs but the pain was gone. If I had known that it would be like that, I would have come in earlier! They called in my family doctor who was going to deliver the baby and she broke my water at 4:30am. They wanted to watch and see what would happen with my contractions and cervix.

Things seem to progress gradually but I started having FHR decelerations with the contractions and at first they seem to recover quickly but then they took longer to bounce back to normal. My family doctor thought that the baby was presenting OP, so consulted obstetrics who confirmed this. They ended up turning the baby which is exactly as it sounds. They stick a hand up on the vagina, turn the baby and then hold it there for a contraction to make sure that they don’t turn back. It was successful and then the baby descended further, but then the fetal heart rate started to go even lower, to the 60s and 70s and wasn’t recovering. Things happened really quickly after that!

The staff obstetrician came in as well as the NICU team and they said that they would have to get the baby out quickly, so I should get ready to push. at this point I wasn’t really even feeling the contractions at all so I was relying on them to tell me want to push. My main nurse looked at me straight in the face and said “I know this is scary but you can do this” and the realization of everything that was happening hit me all at once. I burst into tears but realized that I just need to push to get the baby out.

They got me in position and I think I pushed five or six times before they told me to stop. Pushing seem to be working well and I was doing a good job, so they waited until the next contraction and they said that they would have to use a vacuum. Everything was put in position and the next contraction I pushed hard and once the baby’s head was out, they had to remove the umbilical cord which was wrapped around the neck. They clipped it quickly and then the rest happened in an instant. I don’t even think I had to do anything! The next thing I heard was Mark telling me that it was a boy and I was just crying. They offered Mark to cut the rest of the umbilical cord off but he refused, which I’m not surprised. The baby was crying loudly so I think his APGARs were good and they immediately put him on my chest for skin to skin. It went so quickly and was so stressful and intense but for a very short period of time. I know it could’ve been much worse.

Afterwards, they just had to fix me up and they said that I had some minor tears and a second-degree tear, so not too bad. I didn’t care at that point because I was just cuddling my new baby boy! It was much more intense and emotional than having an elective C-section. We stayed in the birth unit for a little while and I was able to take a bath. I started nursing the baby in the room and he seemed to latch on quite easily and quickly. Then we went up to the newborn unit and everything seemed to go smoothly.

The new baby didn’t have a name for the first 24 hours but we finally settled on Everett. That was the first name that popped into my head when Mark told me it was a boy so we went with that! He was a little baby! A 4 pound smaller than Finn was but seem to be feeling better then Finn was initially. We were home the next day which was great might have been home earlier except they had to check his sugar is because he was small for just stational age.

Once we got home, we have been trying to settle into a new routine. It’s definitely difficult with Finn because he takes up so much of our time and energy. This experience is very different than with our first because we have to split our attention. We don’t get to sleep when the baby sleeps because someone has to be looking after Finn! Luckily Mark‘s parents were here for two weeks and my mom will stay for another three weeks.

The exhaustion of frequent feedings is as I remember. I remember the first six weeks being so difficult and it seems to be the same this time. Everett is feeding well but getting up every 2 1/2 hours overnight to feed which is exhausting! He is growing well and seems to be a more chilled out baby then Finn was. Finn seems to be adjusting to his new baby brother and is quite affectionate to him. He always wants to hold him and kiss him. I think he does understand when I can’t spend as much time with him. It’s definitely a new dynamic!

As for Everett, I don’t feel like we are connecting as quickly or as easily because I don’t have as much time to devote to him. We still try to do tummy time and play with him but it is hard. Hopefully it will get easier as he gets bigger and more interactive. He’s content to sleep and eat and his wake times are still very short. He likes being held but sleeps fairly well in the bassinet. Overall, he cries a lot less than Finn did at this stage!

We are three weeks in at this point and still trying to adjust. We’ll see how things go!

[storiesfromhome]

A year and a half

My dearest Finn,

I can't believe you are now almost 19 months old! Time has flown by and I am amazed to see the little boy that you have become. The wonder and curiosity in your eyes as you take in your new surroundings and environment. The new words and phrases that you learn every day. The excitement you have in trying new experiences. It's incredible to watch you develop and see the personality that is starting to emerge. You're a bundle of energy and enthusiasm - always quick to laugh and provoke a smile in someone else. But you can be cautious and when placed in new situations, especially ones with lots of people in noisy rooms, you like to stay close and take things in at your own pace. You get that from your father!

Our trip to Toronto last week was a huge difference from our trip last year. Travelling on the plane with an 18 month old was so much easier than travelling with a 6 month old. You were able to walk on your own and would just run up and down the ramps, experiencing the slopes and acceleration with glee. Even though you didn't have your own seat and sat mostly on my lap, it was hard to contain your energy. At first, you were nervous about walking down the aisle while the plane was in flight because it seemed unsteady, just like when you first stepped onto an elevator. But once everything was stable, you would venture a few rows forward and check out the other passengers. Everyone else was quick to smile and engage in playing with this delightful little boy, but you were always a bit shy at first before warming up. Stranger danger is always good to have! Sleeping in your own room is the key to good nights sleep for everyone! While we were away, we let you stay up later than usual and you were definitely more tired than usual with all the exploring that took place. Most nights, you went to sleep with just a few yelps of protest and then you were out the entire night, which meant we slept well too! It was so nice to see you with the rest of the family. My aunt Christine's family just adored you and dad loved watching your antics in the park. You are so loved!

I love that you are still solidly a mama's boy. I'm still your #1 and I love it. I love that you look for me for reassurance and safety and that I can comfort you whenever you fall or hurt yourself. I love that you call out for me in the middle of the night when you're scared and that you want to cuddle me the most. I love the feel of your warm, soft body curled up next to mine and your hands petting the hair at the back of my neck. You're a perfect wonderful little boy and I know that there will be a day when you won't want to cuddle but I want that day to be far far away. You've grown so much now that you can't fit nicely on my lap to sleep. You have to be folded with your legs to one side but your chest still fits right up against mine and your head on my shoulder. I don't want you get too big for cuddles yet even though it's hard to hold you for long periods of time now. You're so smart. You're so quick to pick up on new skills and words. Everyday you do something new and it amazes me that this little person is growing up so fast. I want time to slow down so I can enjoy it more but I'm so excited to see the boy you will grow up into.

The next few months will bring about many changes. Your new sibling will be arriving in mid-September and our entire family dynamics will change. So far, the sole focus has always been you. We have done everything for you and only you. But now that focus will be split. You will still always be our baby and our first born but we will be sharing our attention and spreading our love to your sibling. I know that it will be a hard adjustment especially because you are so young and probably won't understand what is going on. I hope that we will continue to make it a priority to show you that we still love you just as much and appreciate the love that you will give as a big brother. I can't wait until you both grow up and can play with each other. But you will always be our firstborn child and the one that we learned the most with. The one that we had our first struggles with and debated endlessly if we were making the right decisions. The one we learned what true unconditional love for our children could be like. You are the one who surprises us with the happiness and joy that we experience every day with you. We love you so much and will continue to love you even more.

Love,

Mom and Dad

[storiesfromhome]

One year passed

I can't believe an entire year has already gone by and Finn is a year old. Parts of this year have flown by so quickly and other times, it felt like the days were so long and I was in slow motion. We made a 1 second video, taking daily clips of Finn and putting them together in a 5 minute movie and it's amazing to see how much he has changed and grown.

I remember the night before my c-section and imaging what our lives would be like with a baby. I remember thinking that things would never be the same and Mark and I should enjoy our last night together. I remember the nervous anticipation that I had in the waiting area before the OR. I remember going into the OR, having the spinal and it wasn't even 10 minutes before our new baby was in my arms. It was incredible!! He was so angry when he first came out. Red faced, screaming with such an angry expression on his face. When you look at the photos, you can just feel how upset he was to be removed from his nice warm home. I remember being in the hospital for a few days, learning how to breastfeed and the struggles that we had with that. I remember how terrible Mark and I felt after we had to repair his tongue tie and how it felt like we had betrayed our new baby. I remember trying out a couple of different names until we decided that Finn suited him best. Now I can't imagine him being named anything else!

The first few months were a blur. The days and nights blended together, especially in the first few weeks when Mark and I were home and on our own. We were struggling with feeding Finn, getting him to sleep and trying to sleep ourselves. Everything else went to the wayside. We ate food that others had prepared for us and didn't do any cleaning or self care. I remember Mark's birthday when I just burst into tears because I was so emotionally fragile and exhausted. Luckily I had had the foresight to buy a gift ahead of time but I hadn't wrapped anything and that had been enough to tip me over the edge.

When my mom came to help out for a month, things started to settle out a bit. Finn went through his period of "purple crying" where he would cry inconsolably for a few hours every night for a few weeks. That was so exhausting! We tried everything to settle him including sleeping in the recliner, nursing him to sleep and using the bouncy chair and swing. Nothing seemed to work for a little while and just when it seemed the darkest, the clouds would clear and the sun would peek through. Even though Finn was a terrible sleeper for probably the first 6 months of his life, you wouldn't guess it from his demeanor. He is the sweetest, happiest and most outgoing, engaging baby. He was rarely grumpy although he fought his naps for the longest time. I remember spending hours trying to get him to nap, putting him down, picking him up, listening to him cry and then repeating it over and over.

It was so nice to have our family helping us, but it's also hard to have other people's opinions and advice when you're not sure of what to do. Mark's parents were the most supportive and would only say positive things no matter what technique we wanted to try, but it was always harder to listen to Finn cry when we knew his parents were also listening to it. We didn't want them to think that we didn't care!

My maternity leave started off rocky but I really enjoyed my time off with Finn especially in the summer months. It was nice to go on outings, take him out for walks and play in the backyard. Our trip to Toronto wasn't the easiest but it wasn't so bad now that I am removed from it. He cried on the flight and didn't sleep the greatest but that should have been expected. What was worse was when we went to the Quarterdeck at the end of the summer and Finn really struggled with sleeping at night. He had improved to sleeping longer stretches at home but that week away was about a dozen steps backwards. It was terrible!! It almost completely ruined the vacation because he wouldn't sleep and would just scream for a long time so that everyone would be awake and all of our family took turns trying to get him to sleep.

Things really turned around when we got back home after Darcey and Monique's wedding and we sleep trained him. I think it was the best thing we could have done at that time because I was back at work and wouldn't have been able to function otherwise. Finn cried for a few hours over a couple of days but then he started sleeping better almost immediately and we haven't looked back since. He has been sleeping through the night 90% of the time so we know that when he gets up now, there is something going on.

Finn is so much fun right now! His personality is mischievous and charming. He loves trying to figure things out like opening caps and placing the shapes in the right hole. He is still a mama's boy and loves to cuddle and cling to me, but I don't mind. He has taken to our nanny quite easily actually and I wonder if that's because we have been able to keep everything else the same. He still naps at the same times, in his crib with his stuffed animals and sleep sac. He moves around so much at night that a blanket would not be of any use. He's close to walking and trying to stand more on his own. He's not using words reliably but loves to babble and make noises. I think things are just going to start getting better from here! He's independent and really likes to do things on his own. He doesn't like it when you try to grab his hand to do something.

I can't imagine what life would be like without him. I love him so much that I think about him all the time, I dream about him and I miss him when I'm not there. But I definitely need my own space and I am so glad to be back at work. It's the extra things - after work meetings and social engagements that make me feel the most guilty because I'm choosing to spend more time away from him. I don't do it very often but I'm always rushing home at the end because I want to see him before he goes to bed. My favourite time with him right now is the 10 minutes before we put him to bed when I'm breastfeeding him and we have our own private time. All of his attention is on me and mine is on him. It's quiet and he's calm and cuddly. We sing a few songs, I stroke his chubby cheeks and back and he babbles at me. I love it!

We've always said that we want more than one child but I can't imagine what it would be like to have two. I have so much love for Finn that I don't know if I could share it with another child. He's just so amazing and wonderful that I don't know if another child could compare. I know those are just naive musings of a parent of one child and I know that we will probably have another baby if we are lucky enough, but right now I am so perfectly happy just to have Finn.

[storiesfromhome]

The chronicles of sleep

Wow! So much has happened over the past 6 weeks and I haven't really had time to update or even really reflect on how things have changed. Finn is changing so quickly and time is just flying by. I can't believe it's almost October already and he is 8.5 months. It's crazy! My trip back to Toronto went well. As hard as it was for me to be away from Finn, it was nice to have a little break (as terrible as that sounds!). Mark struggled with Finn taking the bottle for the first day because I think Finn was holding out for me to come back but he finally broke down after 12 hours and started drinking larger amounts. Mark said that Finn would wake up and look at him as if to say "Is mom back yet?" And after Mark would give him the bottle, he wouldn't go back to sleep easily, probably thinking "Let's just wait for mom to get back." However, each day got easier and the last night before I got back, Finn was sleeping 4-6 hour stretches. It was nice to hang out with my family without Finn and relax a bit. I could pretend that I didn't have a baby for a little while! But I didn't sleep very well which is what I really wanted to do. I was looking forward to sleeping all night uninterrupted, but I had to get up at least once each night to pump, which was a huge pain!! I can't wait until that part is over! I was so excited to come home to see Finn. My flight got in late and it was pouring rain! I didn't want to delay things so I ended up pumping in the car while I drove back from the airport which actually worked really well. I was definitely more comfortable doing it at night because nobody could see me! I got home after midnight and then Finn got up to feed a few hours later. When I went to get him, he seemed confused like he thought it was just a dream so I didn't really get the excited happy response that I was hoping for. But the next morning, he seemed really happy to see me which was great! After I returned from Toronto, I was home for a bit before we went on our cottage vacation at the Quarterdeck. Emily flew in to join us for a few days along with Scott and Mark's parents. It is a beautiful spot but we didn't get the best weather, which is unfortunate because this entire summer has been hot and sunny. The temperatures were a bit cooler and we had some cloudy rainy days where we couldn't lie on the beach. Also the water was freezing!! It was nice to hang out with family, relax, play games and eat good food, but I definitely can't say that it was restful! Finn slept TERRIBLY while we were there! I'm not sure if it's because he's smarter now so he realizes that he's not in his own room or in his crib. The first time we put him in his pack in play, he just wailed so mournfully. Each time we put him down to sleep, it was a struggle. I was able to get him to nap most times by nursing him to sleep but night times were the worst. He wouldn't go to bed! And when he would finally drift off in an exhausted heap, he would only sleep for two hours at a time. Needless to say, we got so frustrated, tired and angry. Everyone tried their best too help but there really wasn't much they could do. Nancy probably read him dozens of books and Emily perfected a technique to get him to sleep but then wasn't able to transfer him to his crib. It was almost like he didn't want to sleep in his pack and play by himself and wanted to be held. It was exhausting!! We have always said that we didn't want to co-sleep but after 3-4 days of this, we brought him into our bed because it was the only way we could get him to sleep easier. He would still get up every few hours but at least he would fall back asleep. It made me nervous to have him in our bed because I was worried we were going to cover his face with the blankets but we just made sure that we kept the blankets below our waists. Finn is big enough now that I wasn't worried about squishing him because he would definitely let us know! Anyways, at the end of the week, Finn wasn't sleeping any better and we were so exhausted that I was so looking forward to coming home and sleeping in a separate room away from him. I was hoping that everything would go back to normal and it almost did! The first night back, he slept great but then reverted back to the 2-3 hour stretches over the next few days. Then we were off again after 4 days because we had to attend a wedding outside of Moncton. We had rented another cottage in Grand Digue and Mark's parents and Scott were joining us again. Luckily, this place had a guest house which was completely separate from the main building so we could leave Finn in there to nap while we did other things. That set up was so much better for everyone!! Finn continued his terrible sleep habits and we continued to bring him into our bed at night. I don't think he slept in the pack and play even once at night time. The night of the wedding, Nancy and Craig really struggled with getting him to sleep. When we came home at 1:30am, everyone was still awake and Finn just looked completely exhausted. I felt so sorry for the little guy (and everyone else too!). After this experience, I told Mark that changes had to be made! We definitely weren't going to bring him into our bed at home and I wasn't going to continue on with these 2 hour stretches. We were so tired and just so snappy at each other. I could see that if this went on, it would destroy our marriage! I find it amazing that even though none of us got very much sleep, each morning Finn would still wake up smiling,babbling and wanting to play. Even with accumulating sleep debt, Finn's personality is still a happy, easygoing and loving baby. It's absolutely wonderful and not what Mark and I were like in the daytime! I had contacted someone to help us sleep train Finn before I left for Toronto, but we didn't get a chance too implement anything before I left. Then with all the travel that we've done, we weren't able to start anything until we were home for a little while. After the wedding, we took a hard line and decided to do it once and for all. The first night, Finn cried 90 minutes and then slept for 6 hours. Each subsequent day, he cried for less and slept for longer stretches until he was only getting up once a night or NONE AT ALL!! It was incredible and such a huge change from the week prior. We felt like brand new people. It's amazing what an uninterrupted good night's sleep will do to your psyche. Mark and I remembered that we still love each other! Finn regressed a little bit a week after we started the plan, and cried for an hour again one night but it might have been because he was teething. Since then, he has been going down at night and for naps so easily! He may cry or fuss but usually for less than 5 minutes and then he sleeps soundly. He usually averages 2-3 hours of naps during the day and will sleep 10-12 hours at night. Sometimes he gets up once but more often now, he doesn't get up at all. Seriously. It's been a game changer. He's now the perfect baby!!! Now, the next hurdle has been maintaining my supply. There's always something, isn't there? Since Finn has been sleeping through the night, I feed him around 7:15pm, and then pump around 9:30-10pm. I usually don't get up to pump again at night and feed him 3 times during the day before his before bedtime feed. If I have to work, then I'll pump in the morning before I leave (or feed him) then usually pump once at work because it's hard to find time between cases! Depending on when I get home after work, I can feed Finn once or twice. I've only been working a few days a week so I feel like my supply has been okay because I make up for it when I'm home with Finn. But in October I start working 4 days a week regularly and I'm worried that my supply will go down. Already I've noticed that my before bedtime pump session is producing much less than before. I used to pump around 120ml but now it's only 60-90ml. My goal was to try and breastfeed Finn until 12 months of age and luckily I have lots of frozen milk to use, because when I'm at work, he always feeds less that I pump. I'm hoping that this patterns continues! It also helps that he has been eating lots of solids and drinks water now. When I think of our tumultuous journey with Finn over the past few months, I can't believe how far we've come. I am amazed at how quickly he improved in his sleep habits and I'm so proud at how well he's doing. He's babbling lots, turning quickly on his stomach and crawling forward now (albeit, he's not getting up on his hands and knees yet). We tested him this weekend when we went to visit Raissa and her baby. We knew that he would have to have one nap in the afternoon at her house and he hasn't slept in the pack and play since we were away for the wedding. I was quite nervous about how this was all going to unfold but Finn surprised me and did fantastic! He protested a little bit more when we put him down for his nap but still only cried/yelled for about 5 minutes and then slept for an hour! It was incredible!! He's such a good little baby and although I know other bumps will come down the road, I am so proud of him (and us!) for all that he has gone through. It's been great now that I'm back at work because I really enjoy my work and my colleagues. Socializing and feeling like I'm contributing to society (in addition to being a mom!) has really helped me feel like myself again. I know that I will forever be a mom now but it's nice too be known as something else as well. I miss Finn during the day but it helps me enjoy the days I have home with him. It's a nice balance. I can't believe he's grown so much already. I can't believe he's almost 9 months.Crazy.

[storiesfromhome]

It's been a perfect day so far....

Finn has been doing great since my last post. I was so frustrated with his sleeping before that I ended up contacting a sleep consultant but we never implemented their plan because Mark's family was visiting and we ended up delaying it. Finn just ended up improving and stretching out the nights on his own. I think his frequent wake ups were just due to teething. He's been sleeping between six and nine hour stretches at night which is perfect. But now we are in for our next hurdle. I got news that my dad needed to have surgery this week and I wanted to fly to Toronto to be there for him. However, this will be my first time away from Finn for more than eight hours!! I went back to work for two days last week and Mark stayed at home to look after him. He did one day by himself and then the second day his parents came to help him. It's seem to go fairly well but Finn is really stubborn with the bottle and only took about 2 ounces over an eight hour period. It was very stressful for Mark!! Now I will be gone for three days and three nights and I think I will really screw everything up. I hate to do this especially because he's been sleeping so much better and today was a perfect day where he went down for his nap so easily. It's almost like he knows that I'm leaving and he wants to make it even harder for me!! I'm actually very anxious about leaving. I was reading up about how much milk at typical seven month old needs and it's between 24 and 30 ounces in 24 hours. I hope that he will practice some self preservation and take more milk once he realizes I'm not going to be coming back for a while. But it makes me sad that he'll probably be confused and wonder if I abandoned him. I don't know how I'm going to handle leaving him for that long. I'm afraid I'm going to miss seeing him do something like crawl or say his first word. I know that Mark and his parents are going to take good care of him but it's not the same as me doing it. I am worried that they're going to screw up his schedule, when he is finally getting the hang of it, and then when I come back, I'm going to have to start all over again. But I guess that's always the risk when I go away. I didn't think I'd be leaving him this early but this was an unexpected circumstance. I'm finding it hard to balance my responsibilities as a daughter to my father and as a mother to my baby. It would be so much easier if we lived in the same city, but I realize this is the same for Mark and many of my friends. I considered taking Finn with me, but I don't think it would work out because it would be hard to bring him to the hospital with dad and then it would be difficult to have him sleep at dad's while dad is trying to recover. Plus it would probably also just screw up Finn's schedule, so there really would be no benefit except that I wouldn't miss him as much. If I brought Finn, I feel like I wouldn't be able to properly look after either of them. So that's the reason why I'm going on my own and Mark will be taking a couple days off to look after Finn. His parents are coming to help again, but Mark will be at home with them. I'm just going to have to learn to let go and be less OCD. Anything that changes, I'll just have to hope that Finn will retain his skills and get back to normal afterwards. I'm going to miss him so much. I've been trying to really soak up every little bit of him before I leave - trying to memorize all those little mannerisms and his features. I knew that being a mother was going to be hard but I didn't think I'd have this much separation anxiety. I hope that Finn can let go easier than me, but doesn't forget me! And I really really hope that he takes the bottle!

[storiesfromhome]

Sleep problems (again!)

I can’t believe it’s only been a month since my last update. It seems like forever because so much has happened! At the end of June, we travelled to Fredericton to be with Mark during his work trip. We naively thought that the drive would be easy because our trip to Miramichi went so well. We were proven wrong. Finn is older now and more active. He is aware when he is restrained in his car seat and doesn’t like it. And he lets us know. This results in him being unable to nap in the car seat so he gets overtired and ends up being very fussy. He slept for about 30 minutes on the way there and then we had to stop every 45min for the last part of the trip, making a 4.5 hour drive into a 6 hour drive. It was so stressful to be in the back with him trying to calm him down when he is screaming hysterically, tears streaming down his face and his face is bright red.

Luckily, our first night we met up with Dave and Kathryn at their house for a BBQ. They had a little guy, Eli, who is over a year old and graciously let Finn sleep in his crib for his last nap. Finn needed it and was much better afterwards. It was probably during this time in Fredericton that things started to go downhill. Coincidentally, this is also when we started to give him more solids so maybe these two things are related. We stayed at an AirBnb so Finn had his own room but he struggled hard to go down for his naps and to sleep at night. It could have been because he was hot but it definitely wasn’t his normal behaviour. Our drive back to Halifax was the same and just as stressful, so I don’t think we’ll be doing very many long car rides in the future. Then we had one night in our house and we left for Toronto the next day. Finn seemed to settle a bit more at home so we chalked it up to fussiness due to travel. 

The flight to Toronto was very stressful as well. Finn wouldn’t nap in the stroller beforehand so he was already overtired by the time we got on the flight. The flight was completely full and we had turbulence for the last 45 minutes so we weren’t able to get out of our seats. Finn fell asleep for about 30 minutes because I breastfed him on takeoff and I tried to stay really still but he still woke up. He did pretty well until the last 30 minutes where he just cried and screamed non-stop. It was so hard because we couldn’t do anything to soothe him and you feel the weight of all the other passengers being subjected to his screaming. Most people were quite sympathetic and very understanding of our plight. The guy sitting next to Mark commented at the end of the flight “Well, that wasn’t so bad.” I looked at him in disbelief and he said “he didn’t cry the entire time.” I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Our return flight to Halifax was much better in my view because Finn only cried for about 10-15 minutes and again on descent. I think it’s the changes in air pressure that bother him. I thought it was a huge improvement but mom thought it was terrible, because she didn’t understand how much worse it could be! I tried using the carrier to be more hands-free and I actually got Finn to sleep on the plane without breastfeeding him, but it only lasted 30 minutes again. 

In Toronto, we stayed at my mom’s place because it was the most convenient but ended up sleeping in the same room as Finn which we haven’t done since he was 3 months old. It was tough! He is a loud sleeper and it’s hard for us to be super quiet too. The week started off pretty good, because Finn was napping really well but then his nights started deteriorating quickly, especially once Mark left. Finn started getting up 3-4 times a night and because I was so tired and in the same room as him, I didn’t want to let him cry it out for too long, so I usually ended up getting him right away and nursing him back to sleep. Looking back, I probably set up some bad habits during this week. Mom wanted to switch with me for half a night to look after Finn and help me out, but even she couldn’t take it. It was so exhausting and it got to the point where I was just counting down the hours to get back to Halifax so that Mark could help. I’m not sure what was going on with Finn that he was getting up so often. I know that there is a growth spurt and a developmental leap at 6 months so I figured that was the cause.

However, now we have been back at home for a week and he has continued to wake up 3-4 times a night and it’s a struggle to put him down at night. A growth spurt/developmental leap should have passed by now! They say that the worse part of teething should only be 3 days, so I don’t think it’s that either. We have continued to give Finn solids and he did cry one night when he had his first solid poo but you think he would be getting used to it by now, since it’s been almost a month! So I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He was sleeping 6-7 hours periodically before all of this and now his longest stretch is 4 hours if we are very lucky! He was sleeping so much better at 4.5-5 months!

Mom is here now and she seems to be a her wit’s end. She makes suggestions and I know she wants to help, but I’ve done so much reading on infant sleep that I know some of the things she says are just wrong. Like keeping the baby up more during the day so that he will sleep at night. We took Finn to the baby drop-in today and talked to the public health nurse about his sleep. She confirmed everything that I’ve been telling my mom - keep his 3 naps and let him sleep as much as he needs during the day. I feel so validated! But it’s frustrating because there is no easy solution and there’s no answer. We’ll never know why Finn is getting up so often now and struggling. I think it’s just a matter of time and he will eventually figure it all out. But it is so exhausting right now and I can’t imagine what it will be like when I have to go back to work!

[storiesfromhome]

Funniest incident so far

Yesterday Finn was on the change table when I went to get a new diaper from underneath and when I stood back up I noticed that he was peeing straight up into the air. I had removed the teepee for just a brief moment and he took this opportunity to pee. The urine was falling back down on his face and onto his chest. This was a new experience for him and he was caught completely off guard so he started to cry. When I realized what had happened, I couldn't stop laughing. I had a moment of hesitation before I picked up my urine soaked baby and held him close to me so that we both were covered in pee. Luckily he calmed down quickly. I had to give him a bath next. So I bathed him and got the urine off of his hair, his face and his body. Then I put him on the bed, dried him and went to put on a new diaper, but realized that I needed to get a new one. I just left for a second to run and get a new diaper, but when I returned I found Finn lying on the bed once again covered in urine. Back into the tub he went to be washed a second time and then finally I was able to get him dressed. However, upon inspection of the bed I realized that not only did he pee through the comforter and the bedsheet, he also peed right through the mattress cover. So everything had to be removed and washed. It was an exhausting 40 minutes!

[storiesfromhome]

In-Laws

Now I know that I don’t really have much to complain about. I actually love my in-laws. They are really great! They want to be helpful, always bring us food, cook, clean and always volunteer to babysit. They are super easygoing and extremely supportive of everything that we do. But.... and there’s always a but that comes after an intro like that...since Scott has moved to Halifax a few weeks ago, they have been here alot. ALOT. I mean 4 times in the last three weeks. And although I get along great with them and they are really easy houseguests, it’s still hard to have other people in your house for long periods of time. Especially when Finn is still struggling to sleep at times. There’s nothing worse then feeling like you can’t parent or teach Finn to sleep the way you want because your in-laws might be downstairs listening to him scream and wondering what the hell you’re doing. I know they would never say anything to me and probably would support us even if they don’t agree with us, but it still makes me anxious.

It was harder this past week because Mark was away at work so I had to do it all by myself. They love spending time with Finn so they want to play with him and take him for walks, which is easy for both of us. The harder part is feeling like I have to accompany them and hang out with them during Finn’s nap times which means that I don’t get my nap time! Finn hasn’t consistently been getting up once a night, which means he’s getting up twice and it’s making me exhausted. The cumulative sleep debt that occurs makes me cranky, emotional and short-tempered. All things that Mark has to deal with when he returns from his trip. 

The other little things that annoy me about his parents are so minor that they don’t usually bother me when I’m well rested. Things like how accommodating they try to be so they never make their own decisions but refer to us to decide things; how they love to gossip and talk about everyone; how they try to help in everything but don’t realize that sometimes it’s harder to say no to help; how it takes them forever to make even the most mundane decisions. I realize that as I’m typing this out, I really don’t have much to complain about. I couldn’t ask for better in-laws and I’m sure that my parents have just as many annoying quirks that Mark could complain about!

[storiesfromhome]

Still struggling

Well since my last update, we are probably over two weeks into sleep training. We’ve had some really good nights where Finn will just go to sleep within 5 minutes of us putting him down and with minimal fussing. But there are other nights where he will cry and scream for 40 minutes before falling asleep exhausted. I can’t find the link. I don’t know why some nights are easier then other nights. Maybe we haven’t been as consistent as we should be. We sometimes sit next to his crib but then when he is really upset, we pick him up and rock him. Sometimes we just let him cry for varying intervals, especially when we are really frustrated. I can’t say that I am convinced that we are consistently getting better with sleep training. I still find it so frustrating because he goes down for his naps with no problems. A bit of fussing usually but in less than 10 minutes, he’s usually asleep. And there’s definitely not the inconsolable, tears-streaming-down-his-face kind of crying. 

On the other hand, he is definitely stretching out his night sleeps. He can sleep up to 7.5 hours in one stretch now which is amazing!! Unfortunately the first few times he did this, I was so attuned to getting up more frequently so my boobs were really full and uncomfortable. Luckily my body has adjusted!! Mark and I were also worried one night when he went to be super easily at 6:30pm and didn’t move until midnight. We were watching him on the camera and of course, worried about SIDS, so discussing how we could tell if he was still alive. We decided that I would go and open his door while Mark would watch and see if Finn moved. Just as we were about to put our plan into action, Mark saw him do a double-leg-slam. A patented Finn move. We both breathed a sigh of relief and tried to go back to bed. I can’t wait until he’s 6 months old and we can relax a bit from the entire SIDS thing.

I’ve been struggling a big with my own anxiety and OCD. I’m starting to realize it more when we have Mark’s family visiting and they babysit. When I’m at home with Finn by myself, I have control over the entire situation, so anything that happens, good or bad, depends on me. I have a a really hard time giving up that control. I get very anxious when I know Mark’s parents are going to be babysitting because I know they won’t do things exactly the way I want. I know they are perfectly capable parents who have raised two amazing sons. I know that they will keep Finn safe and will love him. But I just get so anxious about the details on how Finn will be put to sleep and if they will keep him up too long. Then I dread what will happen when we come home and have to deal with the aftermath. Sometimes it’s enough for me to reconsider actually going out, which I know is not good. I really wanted to be home every night to put Finn to bed especially during the last few weeks when we have been doing the sleep training, so that he has that consistency. However there were circumstances where we had friends visiting, so we ended up going out in the evening. We would tell his parents what we would like them to do but inevitably there are variations in what actually happens. I feel bad because as soon as I get home, I usually end up taking Finn and trying to put him to bed. The strange part is that every time I do that, he ends up losing it and can’t settle down. He’ll cry for another 45 minutes before he falls asleep. I’m not sure what his parents are doing with him but I know that they are probably thinking “well, he didn’t cry the entire time that we were babysitting, but once you came home, he has been screaming so it’s not us!” Where I’m thinking that I have to put him to sleep right away because they have kept him up too long and is overtired which is why he’s crying and I always have to deal with it. They just get to leave or go to bed, while I have to deal with the screaming baby.

But I realize that it’s my own anxiety and OCD that make this difficult. If I were a bit more easygoing then I wouldn’t worry about all this. I could enjoy my nights out without feeling guilty. I could trust his parents more and make them feel less nervous about babysitting. I’m trying very hard to deal with it but it’s difficult when I know Finn does really well during the week when he is on a routine. The fact is that consistency works and my OCD helps with that!

[storiesfromhome]

Maybe just a glitch in the matrix?

So after two nights of screaming during sleep training, the third night was a welcome surprise when Finn promptly went to sleep within 3 minutes of being put down. Mark sat with him a little longer and then quietly snuck out of the room. He slept for an hour and then started crying again, so I went up and sat in the chair next to his crib and he settled right down. Again, less than 5 minutes! It was amazing! However, we didn’t want to celebrate too early because we weren’t sure if this was just a fluke.

The fourth night, Mark again put Finn down and he sat with him for a few minutes but Finn just went to sleep. No fussy, no crying, nothing. He slept for 3 hours, woke up and I fed him and then slept for another 6.5 hours which was incredible!! One of his best nights so far! We are still being cautiously optimistic because it seems too good to be true. If he can do this consistently for a week, then we’ll celebrate. I wouldn’t be surprised if it took only 2 nights to sleep train him. He’s a smart little guy!

The crying from the previous nights has taken a toll on him. His voice is a little raspy and rough and he sounds like a baby who smokes. When he is babbling, his voice is lower than normal and it’s kinda cute. I’m sure it will go back to normal in a few days!

Fingers crossed that this continues!

[storiesfromhome]

Sleep training

After last weeks sleep regression which ended up in hours of crying, screaming and rocking, we decided that we would attempt sleep training this week. We got to the point where we were so exhausted from the multiple wake ups and rocking to sleep that we needed some sort of solution. There were a few nights that we even put him to sleep in the swing, but were so nervous about his head position that someone always had to be in view of him and would check on him periodically so that in turn we would not get a good sleep. Needless to say, it was not a sustainable solution!

I have a number of resources on sleep training including a book that Jen sent me and the sleep sense book that I purchased online. As well, I even have a sleep training plan that another physician had used in the past. There are many different methods of sleep training including the hard-core cry it out (CIO) method, modified CIO and the gentle sleep training. We decided that straight CIO would be too difficult for us to handle, so wanted a gentler approach. This involves us sitting in a chair and comforting him while he cries and it turns out that it's not much easier to take!

We tried it for the first time on Saturday night because it was only the two of us in the house and I am still a bit afraid of the judgment we could face from Mark’s family. Finn cried for 45 minutes and then Mark thought he was hungry so I reluctantly fed him and then he screamed for another 45 minutes before falling to into a heap of exhausted sleep. I’m still not sure how sleep training works. I’m not sure how he actually learns to fall asleep after crying for so long. Finn actually knows how to sleep on his own. I’ve watched him do it on numerous occasions for his naps and even sometimes at night. However, after his sleep regression, he wasn’t doing it consistently on his own, especially at night. So I know that he has the skill, he just doesn’t apply it when going to bed at night! Which makes me wonder... how does he know that he’s going to bed? Why does he fall asleep for his naps with no problems? What is it about going to sleep for the night that makes him freak out?? 

My theory about sleep training is that it’s just a waiting game - you just let them cry until they are so exhausted and emotionally spent that they fall asleep. It’s heartbreaking when you actually think about it that way! And that’s what we struggled with when we first tried this sleep training. Even though we were sitting right next to him in the crib, repeating comforting words, stroking his head and tummy and even picking him up to calm him down when he became hysterical, you still feel like you are abandoning him and not doing your duty as a parent if you sit idly by and watch him cry and scream. It’s so hard! It was just as emotionally draining for me watching him cry because it made me feel terrible and I nearly gave in to picking him up and rocking him to sleep. Luckily, Mark and I have been alternating in 10 minute shifts so whenever you feel like you just can’t take it any more, the next person comes to relieve you. I don’t know what Finn is thinking. Is he looking at us while he cries and screams and wondering why we are ignoring him? Does he wonder if we don’t love him any more? I can’t think like that because then I would just give up right now!

Last night was our second night of sleep training and it was marginally better. He cried and screamed for 70 minutes before falling asleep. It’s supposed to just get better and they say that within 6-7 days, he should be able to put himself to sleep quite quickly and easily. I can’t wait. With this gentler chair method, we sit by his crib for the first 3 days, then move the chair to the middle of the room and don’t pick him up for the next 3 nights, then to the door for 3 nights and then out to the hall. It’s a very gradual approach, but it makes me feel better about it because we aren’t just leaving him alone to cry by himself. I don’t know if we’re doing the right thing, especially because I know he already has the skill to sleep on his own, I question whether he would learn to sleep at night in a few weeks. Maybe we are just pushing him too quickly. But I keep reminding myself that if we just give up now, then the last two nights will have been for naught. We will have made him cry for 160 minutes without reaching any goal or him gaining any skill. Isn’t that worse?

[storiesfromhome]

It must be a regression

Finn is now 4 months old and I am halfway through my maternity leave. I can’t believe it! It feel like it’s flown by for the most part and when I look at Finn, I’m so amazed at how much he’s grown. However, the past few evenings have crawled by at a snail’s pace because of this so-called 4 month sleep regression.

The last few weeks have actually been really great. Finn has been napping like a champ and going down for his naps very easily! Especially his first nap, where I pretty much put him down completely awake. He’ll easily nap 4-5 hours during the day. The nights were definitely getting better with only 1-2 wake ups overnight and putting him down wasn’t too bad. This all fell apart about 5 days ago, just before we went on our roadtrip to Miramichi. He started getting more fussy and was taking a long time to go to bed at night. He would scream and cry and just wouldn’t settle. We chalked it up to the new environment when we were in Miramichi but it has continued on now that we are home. If it’s not a regression, I’m not sure what else it could be! We thought he might be teething at one point but it seems like remedies for that don’t settle him.

The last few nights have taken 2-3 hours to get him to go down for the night. He cries, screams and falls asleep in our arms only to wake up screaming when we put him down. Then when we pick him back up, it takes at least 5 minutes to get him to settle again. We were getting so fed up last that we started to wait 3-5 minutes before going in to pick him up. You can only be screamed at for so long. But then he gets himself so worked up and it breaks my heart when I pick him up and there are tears streaming down his little face. We have started talking about sleep training. It’s controversial but everyone has told me that works wonders. Once Finn gets to sleep, he’s doing long stretches of 6-7 hours but it’s the getting him to sleep that we are having trouble with. I don’t mind getting up once in the night to feed him. But if this is only a regression, then it should improve in a few weeks. We are hoping to wait until he is 4.5 months old to see how he’s doing before we try formal sleep training but I don’t know if we’ll last that long!

What’s made things so much worse is now the regression is affecting his naps. He used to be such a superstar napper! This morning I spent 90 minutes trying to get him to sleep for his first nap and it was exhausting because Mark wasn’t around to spell me off in shifts. The past few days I’ve nursed him to sleep but I wanted to break that association so I tried to just put him down. That didn’t go well. 45 minutes later, I caved and ended up nursing him but he was so angry by that point that he made me suffer for another 45 minutes of crying and holding him before he settled. It ended with me sitting on the floor in his room next to his crib while he cooed and gradually got more tired and fell asleep. Prior to that, I couldn’t even put him down in the crib without him flipping out. I know it gets better. It has to!

On a positive note, our roadtrip to Miramichi went so smoothly! It’s normally a 4-4.5 hour drive and he slept for at least 3.5 hours each way so we only needed to stop once. On the way there, we stopped at an Irving and noticed that he had shit through his diaper and clothes so we had to do a complete wardrobe change, but otherwise things went well. It was our first time using the Pack and Play for him to sleep in. It’s quite a handy little device but we’ll have to put a sheet on it next time because it makes alot of noise when he’s whipping his head back and forth before he goes to bed. He slept okay while we were there. There was a lot going on so we pushed his wake-times a bit longer then they should have been and he started to get fussier in the evenings. But I was most concerned about the car ride there and it couldn’t have gone any better!

Fingers crossed that the sleeping gets better!