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storyofexistence · 1 year

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Growth in pain

One of the most painful moments of my life happened 11 years ago. I lost my father when I am only 8 years old. It turned my world upside down. I wasn’t ready to lose him and I think I will never be. He promised me that he will never leave me. And now that he is gone, he left me hanging on those promises. A lot of things changed since then. Including having a complete and happy family. My mom tried to be in a relationship again. I was a huge papa’s girl that’s why it is hard for me to see her with another man. But I love her that’s why I never say things to her even if it kills me inside. Christmas day since then became a reminder of his death for me. Because it was December 10 when he died, 15 days before Christmas. I remember my mom used to deduct my money because I don’t do the assigned chores for me. My papa always picks my side, the scenario was always me crying in the stock room and he will go to me and hand me money and tell me to be responsible the next time. I had to graduate grade school and high school without him. Before, my dream was to have a tremendous debut; But when I lose my papa all I want is for him to be there on that special day. Losing is also gaining lessons. I may lose my papa at a young age but it made me do things that “only men” can do as a society say. It made me the feminist I am today. Grow up not depending my life on any man.

Losing friends is normal. I had these people in my life that I met when I was in grade school. When we were in 5th grade I run for president of SPG. They are on my team, on the day of the election I found out that they voted for the other candidate. I feel betrayed; I realized they are not the ones I can count on. I never get mad at them but the feeling of betrayal was always there even how happy I am hanging out with them. From that, I tried to please everyone I met. Because for me if I am the best everyone will be wanting to be friends with me. I moved to high school and gain new people in my life. I’ve been into a lot of circles of friends. All of it failed, and it made me think if I was the one who has the problem or if life is just like that. Those people I met kept on promising me that they’ll be there for me always, but when life gets dark and sad they disappear. When I am in junior high I have a circle of friends that made me experience things and made my whole junior life more exciting. That experience is not only about good things but it was worth it. But suddenly we have to part ways. I stay in that school and continue my senior year. While they go to different schools. But I got stuck to that world that I am with them. And then senior year come and as usual, I met other people but they made me feel excluded in their life. But I learned that you don’t have to pretend around the people that truly value and love you. Keep your circle small. Don’t be afraid to cut off ties with people who don’t give you peace. It is all about quality over quantity.

Love can give you butterflies in your stomach and heart pain the next day. Life will give you someone that will give you either love or pain. In my case, it is a mix of both. I met him when we were in 8th grade. But we never get into a relationship. We enjoy the company of each other. I wasn’t ready for commitment at that time. We stayed on that kind of connection. No commitment no worries we just enjoy our time together. But when the time I was ready to commit to him he had already gotten tired of waiting. He leaves me without any explanation. I keep seeking answers. Aside from papa he used to be the one I run to when life gets too much. That time that he is the reason for my tears I don’t know what to do. Seeing him as if nothing happened broke me so much. But maybe the love is bigger than everything that happened. I still can’t get mad at him for ruining my peace. It has gotten to the point that I beg him to come back and choose me. But as time pass I realize that what we have is not worth keeping. Because he made me beg for the bare minimum. Made me feel that I don’t have the right to ask for his time. Keep on giving me mixed signals. And never clear his intention. I never saw all of these things before. I always believe that what we have is a big wrong timing. But I learn one important thing from this experience. It is that you never meet the right person at the wrong time because the right people are timeless.

Failure has always been part of success as they say. But it will cause you so much pain. Not passing your dream college course is one of them. Ever since I was in 5th grade becoming Civil Engineer has been my greatest dream. When I was in high school I am looking forward to college but astoundingly life is not like I think it is. I applied for my preferred course which is civil engineering. But sadly I didn’t get the slot for the program. I cried heavily as I read the email. I’m not even worried if my family will know that I am crying. It made me doubt myself. I still had to enroll even though I don’t want the course. It was double tiring because the course itself is hard and not wanting the course at the same time. But when my favorite Doctor once said “There are times a decision will come first before passion” she is right.

Love will cause you pain. Pain will lead you to growth. It’s a never-ending cycle. All of the struggles, failures, and pain will teach you things that books can’t. I often heard them say “hindi pedeng walang sakit”. When I was a kid I never understood them. I think it is unfair that we don’t have a choice. But as life made me experience things that turn my world upside down and made me lose myself. I started to realize that they are right, life is full of pain that we can’t control. But we always have the choice to move forward. We don’t need to force ourselves to move on from the pain but continuing is important. Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in the storm and let the rain soak you. Put on an umbrella and watch how the rain poured from the sky. I’ll be honest not all of the pain is worth it, but the lessons are.

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