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It’s been a while

She was always thinking about who she was, where she'd come from, and where she was going. Everyone convinces themselves that life is a wonderful thing. She, however, was thinking how much of a burden it was and how much of our freedom was lost by the conviction that we had to stay alive.

(Subete ga F ni Naru: The Perfect Insider)

Hey blog. It’s been a while since I’ve visited and actually poured out my thoughts. It’s vexing how I’ve kept everything inside my mind all this time. Lots of things have happened. John has found new friends. I lost a close friend. People came into my life and went by. They’ve moved on to another chapters of their lives but I’m still stuck here. I lost a good group of friends (CGCB). I wanted to tell John how inexplicable for me to hang out with people younger than me (RJ and Chin’s age group). How vexing it is to be seeking companionship in a group you intrude and you obviously do not belong to. I cant even make him understand how I feel about it. I can��t make him see why I detach myself from them but not why I feel that way. I hate this. I hate that I'm still stuck. I'm good at making terrible decisions. I wanna cry a lot. I wanna smoke a box of cigarettes (yeah, John still has no idea I do this especially when stressed and sad) I wanna steal some money and go away somewhere. Everytime I go sit in my station in the office doing my shitty job shittily, I wanna breakdown. I wanna throw everything out and just fucking cry in there without telling a single soul why. They don't know my full story. I don't want them to know my full story. I wanna escape. Living is exhausting. I wanna have some insurances before I leave. I wanna make everything alright before I leave. I want to CGCB complete again. I wanna make TY the liveliest spot and the best home that I could have here in TC. I wanna go back and change everything and nothing at once. Maybe this is just the hormones acting but I swear I'm gonna fucking cry right now and think about killing myself again and about how disappointed I am and how much of a disappointment I am. I am a huge disappointment. That will never change. I might have a few months to live now. I’m gonna spend it wisely. I’m gonna make all the rashest and baddest decisions that I can ever make. But first I have to cry it all out. I wont let them in on this secret. I just can’t. Not yet. I will have to find time to be ready to leave this world of shadows, this world full of appearances and impressions. Maybe I just want a hug. Maybe I just want a reset button. Maybe I’ve been selfish enough to deserve this. I’ve been too selfish. I haven’t found the time to write and embrace my passion. I haven’t even had the time to realize my dreams, my endeavors. People are fond of dreaming for me without even realizing my dream is really different from theirs. It’s simpler, easier; not larger than life. Somehow, I hope when the time comes, I will have the courage to leave everything behind. It’s for the better. I will have the chance to fix it all again before I leave this world with madness. I’m just tired. I wanna close my eyes eternally. I'm exhausted. 

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I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD. YOU'LL SEE!

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Like a boatsman adrift at the mouth of the Yura, I don't know where this love will take me.

-Sone no Yoshitada

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The Pit

This piece is a poem inspired by the poetic styles of Jeanann Verlee, Sarah Kay, Taylor Mali and Chad Anderson. The poems they write are what are referred to as "The Spoken Word" for these poems are meant to be spoken so it doesn't necessarily follow the basic rules for writing poetry such as the lining and the rhyming. These poems are meant to extract, expose and reveal the feelings of the speakers rather than of the people listening. I present my uptake on this kind of poetry though I haven't rehearsed the speaking part if the piece. 

The Pit:

I always see myself in a dark corner. Shoulders slumped down and my chin resting between my knees, unable to look up ahead. In my mind, I always see you. You with your cheeky smile and dazzling eyes. You're just there, simply being effortlessly pretty. You don't always have to worry about the way you look for you always look great at the eyes of the many. Unlike me who always needs to aware of the way i look because i hate myself for not being like you.

I tell myself that they don't deserve this pang of jealousy and envy that I feel towards them. I try hard to make myself believe that they're not worth the anxieties that i feel. But the more I tell that to myself, the more unworthy I become of the skin I am wearing.

I hate how my eyes don't shine like yours. I hate how my smile always looks like a horrible curve on my face. I hate how I always compare myself to you. I hate how my efforts to pass the aesthetic standards of the many become futile and in the end, always backfires at me.

I always imagine abducting you, and keeping you inside a pit  in my basement and keep you there until i prove to myself that I am better than you. Always was, always am and always will be. I will laugh at you until your eyes loses its luster. I will scream a you and curse you until your own skin rejects you and I know when that happens, I will be so damn happy.

But, as I look closely, the person I see in the pit is not who I think she is. She is not the person with those bright eyes and charming smile. Instead, who I see is an entirely different person. she's the one with those metal fences on her teeth. She's the one who secretly applies all those powders on her face just to conceal all her flaws. She's the one who struggles so much to be better than those people she's always chasing. She's that very same person I see everytime I look at a mirror. The moment I realized that, it's already too late. She's already drowning in self-hatred. </3

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Hush.

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The amazing mangakas illustrating their works.

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May the stars carry your sadness away. May the flowers fill your heart with beauty.
 May hope forever wipe away your tears, and above all, may silence make you strong.

Chief Dan George

via coffeepeople)

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untitled by Yagiz Su on Flickr.

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nodus tollens

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

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I miss this. I really miss being a PTS major. I was browsing through my FB timeline and saw some of my posts in the past including this. Though PTS is a difficult track in PoSc, I don’t regret being a part of all the shits of this track. I mean, despite those sleepless nights reading essays and books of political theories, writing tons and tons and tons and tons (repetition of the word “tons” is not an exaggeration) of paperworks and listening to out-of-this-world lecture, i learned a lot of things and I can say that I became somehow more mature through the influence of my amazing PTS teachers.I also enjoyed the company of my PTS mates. I miss all the fun we had (nomination of Glace’s First Gentleman, Acquaintance Party of PTS, Team building, Libak2 sessions, kainan sa likod sa Gecube and many more.) I miss meeting secretly with my PTS mates and our original PTS adviser Sir Dicky (since we besically oppose the ideals of our incumbent chairperson and she opposes all our proposed activities). I really wish that things would return to the way they were but time doesn’t work that way. What I can do for now is to hold my head high, get my shit together, finish what needs to be finished and treasure all the memories I made during the times when I was still a PTS major. :)

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I always want to think that there must be something that only I am capable of and nobody else. I am still looking for that though. :)

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