stray-ghost - Tumblr blog

[stray-ghost]

"Unlovable" I hear myself as I cry because my friends were so sweet and happy to see me.

"Unfuckable" I hear myself as I think of my fwb and the person before her.

"Ugly" I hear myself as I remember my friend saying she wishes she had my body (and I wish I we could trade)

"Disgusting" I hear myself as my friends compliment my hair and my favourite outfit.

I wish I could be genuine without the rot screaming inside constantly. I wish i could be me without me.

[stray-ghost]

Period weight creeping up and pms is making me wanna kill myself so I'm just sitting here telling myself I can wait it out I can wait it out I can wait it out I can wait it out I can wait it out I can wait it out I can wait it out I can-

[stray-ghost]

Asked friends who've seen me through some of my worst if I've changed at all in the past 5 years.

They told me I seem stronger and happier in general. Thinking about that makes me want to kill myself.

[stray-ghost]

my toxic trait is that whenever something goes wrong I immediately start contemplating suicide

[stray-ghost]

So what is this about??? Im kinda confused- The only thing I changed was age because I was curious if it changes anything. Very same calculator, very same number except for the +1 to age- what

Why is there a 4 kg difference in supposed "healthy weight"? Whatttt

[stray-ghost]

I think I just have nothing to say, honestly. I have images and thoughts swirling in my head yet all you see is silence. I wonder, if you knew every breath I take is a prayer for your happiness, would you see me differently?

[stray-ghost]

I want to jump off a cliff.

Drown myself in pills and alcohol.

Crash my car. Cut my self.

Scratch myself.

Punch window frames.

I want this to stop.

I want to stop being a fucking idiot.

Why do I always fuck it up?

Why am I a piece of shit?

I'm truly sorry for putting you through my bullshit.

You deserve 100% better than me.

[stray-ghost]

For 2 days now I've been fucked up cuz tiny things keep being tiny triggers and last night I almost relapsed with sh again (still ended up biting myself but that fades and doesn't hurt too bad)

Ed thoughts are also back so I may just let myself slip back into a relapse as a form of self destruction. It sounds so sweet and satisfying rn. Being able to eat and enjoy food has been nice, but I feel disgusting and I want to rip my body up so I guess that's coming to an end soon.

Blog may stay dead cuz some friends are really active on tumblr and I hate having to keep switching accounts to talk to them. But am alive, for now.

[stray-ghost]

Just left from my appointment w my psychiatrist

Apparently they added Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety Disorder to the diagnoses. Feels so validating honestly. Im not just being useless for no reason! I do have an anxiety disorder-

They also gave me the papers necessary to get meds, so I'll have that soon as well!!! Fucking finally!!!!!!

[stray-ghost]

So.. Hi, I've been gone for 3 weeks? Im alive. Recap I guess?

Did fun things with friends (ttrpg, art, hanging out), explored identity (yup, 100% aro and 100% demi), got very very drunk with friends, and are now fwb with one of them...?? Ended up making out with n some other stuff with them which also first time w someone afab and now we're friends but also spicy stuff? Ye im still processing that one

Been mostly on my normal acc engaging with friends and fandom stuff, enjoying food and the lack of being depressed and suicidal because of my period. Been off meds for 2+ months now, but that's gonna change soon thank fuck. Im gonna apply for an art course???? If I get in im gonna be an art student for real, wild. Some friends I feel very safe with have been helping me explore other sexuality related thoughts as well but that's too private for here.

So. Yeh.

[stray-ghost]

Okay, this period is so super fucking painful and I cannot fucking deal

But im less suicidal, at least today.. a moment of rest, if you wish

[stray-ghost]

At least I got my period now... But I'm in so much pain. So much pain

[stray-ghost]

Im getting cramps and period pains. Praying i'll actually get my period now because I literally cannot any longer.

This cycle has been 58 days long so far, which is not healthy and im suffering so much. I need to talk to a gynecologist.... (no its not an ed thing for me , my menstrual cycle is just fucked)

[stray-ghost]

Important Announcement:

April Fools Day (April 1) is one week away. To that end, I just want it known now, well before the day, that this blog will NOT be posting any jump scares, fake announcements, freak-out posts, fake hackings, fake emergencies, fake news, and “gotcha!” stuff on April Fools Day. We’re staying safe and chill around here.

I’m honestly not into April Fools Day, really, unless the jokes are obvious and silly–like Rickrolls and Dad Jokes. Rickrolls and Dad Jokes are just traditional. 

[stray-ghost]

More nightmares. Please end it already...

[stray-ghost]

So this makes 3 days of me being suicidal or having self destructive thoughts constantly. I really hope it ends soon or I might just end myself honestly

[stray-ghost]