stressedbutblessed92

[stressedbutblessed92]

Familiar panic is setting in. There's control showing up again, and my inability to manage the unknown, accept the unknown.

Truthfully, my heart couldn't sink any lower. Embarrassed doesn't even begin to explain this ginormous pit in my stomach for possibly giving him a second chance.

I tried my hardest to not be hopeful, but it crept in there when I wasn't looking.

The focus is clarity: I will now have clarity. Let go. Move forward...

EDIT

He fucked me over. He canceled. Guess God is telling me - never give a dude a second chance. Fuck that shit.

[stressedbutblessed92]

Lots

The moment I felt my chest become tight and heavy, that’s when I knew… I care. 

The second I felt the urge to vomit, while my heart thumped to the bottom of my stomach, that swhen I knew…. I care.

When my thought began to dissipate, and all stood still, the awareness of the intensity in my body that when I knew… this feeling I thought I'd forgotten has crept back in, and for once… the rollercoaster of emotions was not exhilarating, it was terrifying. The only way I could/ CAN hop off this ride is if I allow myself to hate it. I despise it. I’m disgusted by it.

What does it mean?

Is my body preparing for what's to unfold? Am I protecting myself with this shield of trauma? 

Do I run? 

Or is this real? Is this special? Is this genuine? Is this a chance?

I believed so deeply in these moments that I’m not in control. Which, quite simply, I'm not. I can’t persuade him; despite what I wear, what I have, how much I’ve grown. That’s not my job. That’s not in my control. I release it. I let it go.

However, I am in control of my energy, my thoughts, how I live my life, my day. I am still whole without him. I am whole if he texts me once a day. I am whole if he texts me three times a day. 

I trust myself enough to know I will be okay. I trust God enough to know that what’s in his will, will be.

I’m on a thin line between hope and truth. I’m scared, but I am surrounded with love from within myself, my angels and God.

[stressedbutblessed92]

A piece of me feels this is a test from God. Can I let someone I once cared about dictate my mood? My day? How I feel about myself?

I'm not going to let someones lack of effort and inconsistencies shake me, make me question my value.

So what does a girl do to boost herself up? Take a sip of her coffee, turn on a classic Italian, mob movie and remember who the fuck she is.

Here's to putting my self-worth over any man.

What's meant for me will always be there, and what's not.... NEXT.

[stressedbutblessed92]

MY.

Almost. Maybe. Could of.

Regardless of the outcome, this is the second time in my whole entire life I did not bend easy, pining over attention from a past boyfriend just because I "love/ loved" them.

I should be proud of myself.

I am proud of myself.

Whatever happens after this moment, is not a reflection of me. I need to continue reminding myself that if I gave in too easily, the likely hood of the past repeating is higher. And at end of the day, no matter how much "love" I feel.... I can't put myself in a situation that is a repeat of something unhealthy.

No matter what. That is MY boundary. That is MY self-respect. And I refuse to abandon myself again for "love".

[stressedbutblessed92]

Almost.

It's been almost a year since he quietly and ever so discretely vanished from my life.

One second he was holding my hand, introducing me to his friends, and before I could take it all in; message after message stamped "delivered", but no response.

We almost were something, something rare, something special. Something I've learned you don't come across too often in life.

It's been almost a year, and the sight of his name, without hesitation, makes my heart skip a beat.

It's been almost a year and the "what if's" continue to play on a loop in my head. Like a movie I keep rewinding, pausing, rewinding, pausing.

It's been almost a year and the tears shed haven't gotten any less.

It's been almost a year and the hope I feel in my heart is more present than ever.

However, it's been almost a year, and for the very first time, in almost a year, I revisited our last text message. MY last text message. The one where I so confidently and bravely expressed my feelings of concern, care, and understanding. In return, I received silence.

I thought I'd be confronted with sadness and hurt. Instead, what showed up was anger and embarrassment.

I don't want to waste another minute of my precious life dreaming of someone that was almost. I've felt the hurt. I now see anger. But what I feel, what I feel is peace. I recognize the importance of closing this chapter. I'm in awe that what I was so petrified to read, is the very thing that has given me clarity.

Whatever is in God's will, is what will be for me. Until then, I am free.

[stressedbutblessed92]

I'm exhausted

Life lately, feels like a dance. I'm swung around, quickly grasped before dropping onto the floor, only to be flung across the room ever so swiftly... to landing on my tippy toes.....not knowing whether I'll catch my balance or trip on my own two feet.

I'm exhausted.

I'm constantly questioning myself - Do I enjoy the moment? or hold on for dear life, because I know this rollercoaster ride is about to take a huge drop?

I'm exhausted.

No one knows how I'm still here. I can't understand it myself. The hurt. The betrayal. The abuse. I'm a fighter, but there comes a point when even a fighter needs to tap out.

I need a break. I need a miracle.

I'm exhausted.

[stressedbutblessed92]

Abuse is learned. It's also a choice.

I will never understand it. I could never justify it. I will continue to survive it.

[stressedbutblessed92]

If I let it all go, will there then be enough space to let "what is meant for me" in?

[stressedbutblessed92]

It always come down to my gut versus my heart.

[stressedbutblessed92]

In a corner.

I can't recall a time in my life I wasn't laser focused on a boy.

For as long as I can remember I've had this need to feel wanted. Along with that came the will to fight for my worth. I would do anything to prove "I'm the one, pick me". Typing those words all I can do is roll my eyes and think how pathetic. But it's my truth. It's me. Or was me.

It's almost as if Gods cornering me now. Giving me no wiggle room to continue to beg for a guys attention. It's like God's telling me - now is your time, use it wisely. Level up.

I hate this. It feels like I'm going through withdrawals....but maybe it's just what I need.

[stressedbutblessed92]

The best thing about me, is also the worst.

I finally thought I did it. I was numb. I felt nothing. Not happy, not sad, not worried. It was freeing.

[stressedbutblessed92]

He gave me a gift. He loved me enough. He gave me a gift.

[stressedbutblessed92]

Lying

I'd be lying if I said I got through the whole day without thinking about him.

I'd be lying if I said his name alone doesn't make my chest feel heavy.

I'd be lying if I said having other guys lined up makes it easier.

It's such a "shot to the heart" meeting someone who finally feels like a contender to be a real partner..... only to be let down with confusion and silence.

I'll survive this. I've been through worse. Doesn't mean it hurts any less though. That they don't prepare you for.

[stressedbutblessed92]

I choose me.

With a long, slow, deep breath I whisper to myself ; " I Choose Me".

The situation I'm in doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel healthy. It feels sad. It feels disappointing. It feels confusing. I don't want it anymore.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I repeat over and over aloud as I sit on my bed, in the dark, alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. And if that means letting go of him and the fantasy, then that's what it is.

This is new. This is unfamiliar. It's uncomfortable choosing myself. Going against my heart. Going against my wants.

It's even more difficult moving in silence. Not allowing myself to freely, and openly speak. Explaining why.

The sooner I let situations go that aren't for me, the sooner I allow space for what is.

[stressedbutblessed92]

Let it hurt, then let it go.

I fucked it up.

Nothing makes my happy anymore. Not my favorite food, Not my favorite movie. Not my favorite drink. Not writing. Not my job. Not my friends. Not my family. Nothing.

I fucked it up

It's like I lost the ability to function. I can't navigate my way through these feelings anymore. They're so intense it's overpowering. Numbing even.

I fucked it up.

I fucked it up, because I'm fucked up. And the worst part is it's not my fault. But here I am, carrying the weight of a lifetime of trauma and abuse.

I fucked it up.

I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don't want it anymore.

When will it be my turn? I thought I finally found safety within myself and him.......

Now? I fucked it up.

What now?

[stressedbutblessed92]

Mystery.

At the farmers market today I noticed a handsome, muscular guy working this bread stand.

His co-worker rang up my aunts order, but the mystery guy and I stole a glance or two. For a moment we locked eyes.

A part of me was eager to be bold and brave. I almost fully convinced myself to write down my number and slip it to him. But I didn't. Something held me back.

This is why I'm getting frustrated and would like to forwardly ask Matt what is going on between us? If the most this will ever be is a situationship, I'd like to know.

Do I want to be with someone else? No. Deep down I feel Matt could be my person. I see us growing together, with lots of laughs and love along the way. But I need answers.

I'm scared this is all going downhill and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I want to crawl in a hole and hide.

[stressedbutblessed92]

Vent sesh.

Was I wrong? Maybe. Did I need to get it off my chest? Yes. Do I regret it?...... No.

Dating has never been my forte. I'm a girl who likes rules, order and a general plan or outlook of how things follow. Dating is none of that. There's no hand book on how this works.

It's quite confusing feeling as if I'm already in a relationship with Matt. However, technically we haven't claimed the title "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" yet. So what does that mean?

I may have overreacted yesterday. Confronting him about my findings. But I had a gut feeling. His actions were off, and by the time he communicated with me what was going on, I was already too deep down the rabbit hole.

I don't know if I scared him off. I hope not. I need to stand strong in the fact that if I did, then he's not my guy.