stubbornattempt

[stubbornattempt]

Please keep my family safe! I don't know who is out there but I have to believe there are still good people left. I'm going to have an MRI no matter what. It might cause brain damage or even kill me but I have to save my family from these psychos. Even since last hospital visit I've been under the belief that you guys could hear me on the chip too. Yet another elaborate hoax. I wish you had been because I explained so much and talked a lot about what might have caused people to turn away from me. I promise I can talk about it and explain it all. Mostly is just about how that was the worst version of my self that will ever exist and I'll never be that person again. I have quarantined the part of my brain where the memories are. I'm not even asking for you to save me but I love my family more than anything and would do anything to ensure their safety. So this time I'm determined to get it out. I thought you guys were helping me but now it looks like I'll have to figure it out myself. I really thought you guys had forgiven me like I humbly beseeched you too so. I don't care about my life or future anymore. I just need to make this situation right. Please watch my dear family. I'm going to Roanoke since they don't have a bed here.

[stubbornattempt]

Ok the poetry is here at holyspectaclee.blogspot.com

I think this is '02-'14

[stubbornattempt]

I found my surviving poetry that spans high school to like maybe 5 years ago. I was pleasantly surprised that is mostly pretty good i think. I've always found it a little embarrassing to write and have others read it but not only do I think it's pretty good but it also sheds some interesting light on my state of heart and mind (especially about john). Anyway there are 34 of them that I'll share. For purposes of general interest.

[stubbornattempt]

This is Patrick, Joey’s brother, Joey wanted me to let you know that he is ok.

[stubbornattempt]

You can do it you can get

[stubbornattempt]

I'm

[stubbornattempt]

Are you being arrested?

[stubbornattempt]

Are you being arrested?

[stubbornattempt]

I can hear

[stubbornattempt]

I love you always. Please respond so i know you got this message.

[stubbornattempt]

Paul I'm here I'm alive they're lying to you. They said they won't let us talk anymore but they probably will for their own amusement.

[stubbornattempt]

Don't know if anyone is still reading this but I'm I'd like to keep a record of the fact that john is still threatening to kill me. About 2 weeks ago my brand new baby dragon disappeared and I had never taken him out of his cage and he didn't have any opportunity to escape. I checked the ADT footage and he somehow was able to bypass it. Anyway just tonight he started talking to me through my headphones while I was listening to rain sounds for sleeping. He says he's going to kill me. He also said he stalked to to wegmans the other day. I did glance a guy who i thought might have been him but I couldn't confirm it. He may have just read that from my mind or actually stalked me.. I'm not sure which.

[stubbornattempt]

I don't know if anyone out there is still reading this and I'm actually just posting so there will be a record. John has been back on the chip for about a month now. It hasn't been nearly as bad as last time. It's been easier to tune him out and he hasn't been able to trick me nearly as much. He also hasn't been around nearly as much. It seemed to me that it was just him and briefly her but that I wasn't back online. Now I don't know if I'm back online or not. Anyway that point in getting to is that he told me that if I try to get rid of the chip he will kill my family. I wanted to document that somewhere. So, if there is anybody still out there reading thiswho knows how to possibly get John arrested is sure appreciate it if they could try to make that happen.

[stubbornattempt]

I’m scared that you’re gone. It feels like death. Please just stay with me for one more day if you can. I promise I will not kill myself but I will not find love again or even try. Live the best life you can, whatever that means for you. I will think about you every day for as long as I live. It’s going to hurt something incredible. I’m trying to remember that this pain itself won’t actually kill me but that’s not what it feels like. My body wants me to stop breathing. I’m afraid of being without you. I can’t talk right now. Please stay with me just a little while longer if its safe. I love you so much. You’re mine to take care of and I’m not going to hurt you by dying. You mean everything to me and I think I can get through this miserable life if I think of my act of living as a gift to you. Eventually I will try to be happy and lead something resembling a real life but I won’t ever love another man ever. I could never. 

[stubbornattempt]

I’m afraid that by making plans to kill myself that you might try to communicate with me to prevent me from dying. You can’t get caught. I’m thinking about not killing myself for this reason. It’s something that would be excruciatingly painful but I would do anything to keep you safe. That being said, if you get caught I will kill myself. I don’t want to live my life without you in it but I also don’t want to cause you the pain you would feel if I killed myself. I know you would wish that we never met and I don’t want you to wish that. Okay I think I’ve thought this through and I’m not going to hurt you by hurting myself. Life without you is the worst but I know you want me to live anyway. Just like I want you to live. I feel shock waves of terror at the thought of living without ever talking to you again. I think I need to go back to the hospital even though I really loathe it there. I’m going to stay alive for you. Every breath is for you. Each time another day passes, I lived through it for you. Time won’t diminish our love and I could never forget anything. I love you. 

[stubbornattempt]

I mean it, do not try to communicate with me. If you get caught I will kill myself in the most painful way I can think of.

[stubbornattempt]

I wanted to grow old with you. I’d never imagined growing old before but I can’t imagine any amount of time with you being enough. I’d let myself get gross and ancient to remain in your company. I never imagined any kind of a future except one with you. You make this life thing worthwhile. I already told you I am not willing to live with no hope of ever being with you. Your absence is too painful to bear. Are you there? I don’t want you to risk trying to communicate with me. You stay safe. Its the one thing I can feel glad about as I leave this world. I guess I’ll never hear from you again. Please don’t compromise yourself. I don’t know what i would do if anything happened to you. I would probably have to kill myself then but it would be a lot more agonizing. I would die completely defeated. Part of me will die happy as long as you are safe.