studprincessjaymie - Tumblr blog

[studprincessjaymie]

[studprincessjaymie]

[studprincessjaymie]

Texts I'll never send

I fight for the impossible .. I fight for a spec of normalcy between.. you and me..my chest literally feels tight. Nothing feels right! We may never be and that I can clearly see.. I make no false truths of what has happened in my head I relive everything, every night before bed ... I know we are done but I do silently make a prayer for the now not the future .. I don't know what you want from me I know what you say but I don't know how to give it to you.. and I just for once want to give you what you want .. this isn't about me ... it's about us ... it's about you and figuring out what's true. I don't dream about the future anymore I'm so afraid it may not have you In it ... and that ... that scares me .. that I can't comprehend every move I've made was to make us better in the future and now ... I dont know what to do if im not making moves for you or us ..

[studprincessjaymie]

Status never posted

With every passing day I'm reminded of or shown things I took for granted and didn't realize I had ... family and friends .. I do have them ..

[studprincessjaymie]

If only people knew

Counseling I've refused it for years because no good will come out of itNONE ... I'm going to try it again people really need to stop telling me if it doesn't work fir her I'll be stronger for the next!! There is no next !!! She's my wife we are married ... I'm never getting married again sooooo no one else will ever get this close to me again! If after therapy she's still gone then I will have hurt myself for nothing.... I've started cutting ... and I'm sure that's not happy ... loving her has pushed me into the most vulnerable places ... I've never been afraid of losing someone you want to go.. fuck it go I don't need you ... even when I have needed people I tell them I don't because I can get over what they provide... which is never much because I don't allow myself to rely on people... but the closer I got to her ...the more I let her provide for me .... now I have nothing without her .. I've never felt so raw and vulnerable ... I've never trusted anyone enough to have a baby with them I've talked about babies with people but not about having one with them ... I always thought I'd have a baby no one else would be responsible... but with her I want her to be apart of this .... counseling is going to be horrible and I know it's needed if I'm ever to get through this I can only avoid my past so long before it catches back up to me... but apart of me hopes we will fix this without me fixing myself .... idk why that won't happen but I know I need to do this fir me no one else ... they are going to put me back on meds ... I'm not happy about that but I think it's needed ...

[studprincessjaymie]

[studprincessjaymie]

Decisions

I can't imagine a world without my wife; although lately it's like I'm living in one. Commence with the sad emojis.... I am so unsure of what to do having a baby is all I want ... and yes I want a baby more then I want her. I will be devastated if I can not have one. The last 2 years has been incredibly hard for me and we are arguing so much lately... I feel like I need to decide whether or not we are doing this baby together. I want to but I'm starting to wonder if we should?!!! She isn't happy with me I am complacent at best with her. She wants a level of attention, focus, and affection that immnot sure I can give. EVER unless you've grown in my tummy. I know it's fucked up. But .... I just don't know what I want to do. I need to figure out soon. I am ovulating so either I find a donor on my own or we do this as planned. I wonder if we can do this together ... just not as a couple

[studprincessjaymie]

What's the point

I am !!! I am FUCKING TRYING ... I know "a little to late" comes to mind .. but how can it be too late !!!!!!!!!! She let some dirty fuck ... fuck her 3 times without fuckin protest !!!! And ever since I can't get the disgusting image out of my head. I'm terrified she is pregnant because although she says it doesn't, the fucking timing does fit.... I have tried ever since that night not to give her a hard time ... I am trying to show her with every chance I get I love her... that I am enough for her even tho since that night I feel like I'm not ... I feel like I'm not enough ... I know I'm not enough but I'm trying to make her see that I can be ! That I can change and I can be enough... that she doesn't need anything or anyone else.. But she's pushing me away... lately I feel like I'm a rag doll she gets physically attention from... but doesn't need to... something she can do without.... I don't feel connected to her ... I know she's connecting with others and the harder I push the more I realize ... There's nothing pushing back @

[studprincessjaymie]

Old bad habits

I don't know how to say no ... I don't know how say stop! Especially when it comes to making those I love happy ! I'm not stupid ... I saw the setup coming from a mile away ... I could have stopped it .. I could have said I wanted to go home ... fuck ! She has been wanting attention and I know that .. I've been trying .... I was hoping he'd just watch ... I hate that she's so willing with him ... I hate im always in a position to watch it ... only once have I been fucked up enough to handle it ... pretty sure I blacked out that night but last night 3 times ... 3 times she let him in ... I can't bare to touch her ... she hasn't taken a shower since and I just can't ... I always feel so conflicted ... in theory it's always a good idea in reality it's painfully hurtful and disqusting ... she's my wife and I'll stand by her side ... but I feel some type of way about the whole situation

[studprincessjaymie]

I started writing one hell of an entry detailed as fuck didn't post idk why .... anyways ... what I was getting at is that I feel like my wife is emotionally cheating on me ... and she doesn't even. Notice ... it just sucks I've always known she'll cheat on me ... immnot the most affectionate person ... but geeze so soon but whatever ... I guess .. we're married and I all that ... just sucks to see it unravel

[studprincessjaymie]

Losing her

I hated the feeling of losing others i hate knowing I’m losing HER it’s different the love being lost is different .. I’m glad she’s found someone to talk to … that’s the beginning of the end ! She thinks its innocent. I guess because I'm intuitive I know it's not... its okay tho I'll never be what she needs ... maybe as she pulls away she'll see that and move I

[studprincessjaymie]

One day

One day I'd like to be the one that cries openly for days. One day I'd like to be the weakest one in a group. I feel like I've always had to be strong one ; I've never had a choice. With my mom it was always acting ok no matter what bullshit she put me through. Taking family members away from me. Making me feel insecure. Making me take care of her and my brother. I had to be strong I didn't get the option to quit and cry . And if I needed to do those things it had to be on my own time alone, but quitting wasn't an option. My grandma taught me to suck it, wash my hair and cry in the shower, be okay before you walk back out. Even now I'm siting in a bathroom crying and soon I'll clean my face , walk out and chalk it up to taking a shit. Not because crying isn't ok , but because I've been taught my whole life that's something you do in private. I'm not crying for anything in particular I'm just overwhelmed, with life. I don't know how to keep pushing through. I find myself more and more locked in bathrooms ... Taking imaginary shits while tears flowing and snot accumulating. I don't think I can handle life ... I see why people are anti social ... I am to a degree... I really wish at times I was more. I wish crying for days on end until the pain went away was ok. I wish I was weak enough to admit openly to real people not tumbler that I just want to cry. I need to cry away whatever this is inside... I don't even know if it's pain or anger that as me hell bent on crying lately. Everything sets me off at anytime of the month so this isn't a PMS. Post ... One day I'd like to not feel the need to cry about my past. One day I'd like to know that every tear in my present won't be another reason to shed more in the future. One day I'd like to be weak enough to cry .... Just cry until it all fades away and I have nothing left to cry about ... The day that happens tho ... Might be my last .. So until then I'll just sit here and cry until my legs go numb and I have no choice but to get up. ... I'll cry every time I wash my hair just to real ease some of it; whatever it is...

[studprincessjaymie]

Better left unsaid

I don’t know how people tell people their problems. I don’t know how some relationships work with real honesty. I find out more and more everyday keeping things from those you love is actually better. Told my wife today that I’d like to lose some weight before we go back to fucking like rabbits . Truth be told for the last 2 months I’ve felt very unattractive . My clothes don’t fit right … I feel fat. I feel uncomfortable. I’ve told her that I’ve worried about my weight but I conquer that demon from time to time . Truth be told I do it in the worse ways … After my many comments about feeling fat and unnattractive because of my weight gain. I just get a lot of “you’re pretty” , “you’re attractive” and “your not fat”. And I’m sure to her I am but to me I’m not … And at the end of the day … I’m the unhappy one because of it . I’m not single anymore so I can’t go spend money on a gym membership and run away. I have bills and a kid to feed. I have responsibilities ... So it's not right and it's not ok but I do what ever I can to conquest this on my own.. I throw up after every meal pretty much. I eat the bare minimum on top of taking the max dose of weight loss pills ... I'm tired of hearing to be ok with my body because others are I'm tired of being told to get over it. I don't know what I want people to say ... But I hate hearing oh your fine or I think your beautiful ..

[studprincessjaymie]

I feel broken and confused. I don't know how Im going to survive this time. I went from being on top of the world to being underneath and devastated and hurt and confused ... I don't know if love is. Worth it.. Never really thought it was but now .... Now I might know it's not... I finally was at peace with good things and not expecting them to be evil ... But ... I guess I was right to doubt such things all along

[studprincessjaymie]

Keeping quiet

So about 2 weeks ago I started getting stupid ass messages ... Random bs about me keeping the baby away from that girl. That that girl was / is a better mother to the baby then I am. About how my gf and her still talk all the time ... How my gf goes to her house after we argue telling her how much she misses that girl and wants to be with her. I don't trip off of most of the messages. They are usually the same bs . On Friday though in the middle of work I got a text that said " thanks for the face time you can't keep them Away from (her)they will do whatever to see (her). " Idk the baby got all excite wheny phone rang for FaceTime and was like (her name) and I was like no it's momma ... She's never had that reaction ... Im super tempted to see if they face timed her .. It's not a huge deal I guess ... But still , to find out that way bugs me. I just don't like or trust that girl and the fact that I'm getting messages still bothers the hell out me I hate drama. I want to say something but I hate causing problems .. I feel like I have to just deal With this shit privately.... It sucks I just want it to end ... I was hoping it would but I see it wont ... Ever

[studprincessjaymie]

Beer goggles

I know what I saw last night ... She jumped ... They lingered ... But she jumped when I came in the room .. I had that familiar heart sinking feeling.... That annoying voice telling me "I told you" . Then to top it off her bizarre behavior. Very bizarre, if she could have force fed me a drink she would have. She wanted me drunk, which is bizarre only because she doesn't seem fond of me drunk around friends, especially not of male ones. I felt so uncomfortable... She encouraged me loosing my control around someone who takes advantage of such situations. To top it off she took 20 min to escort a grown ass man to his fucking car. She then has the audacity to ask me if he could sleep in our bed. She seemed slightly annoyed at the fact that I was unwavering in my assertion that we had a couch. I think she likes having sex with guys more than she wants to admit.... I like to flirt with them but actually do not enjoy sex with them like that, I think she does. All night after I told her I was sleepy she insisted that we stay in the living room because we had company... It's her company and any good gf should have realized that I was uncomfortable and lying about being tired . That I wanted the house guest to leave. That was a huge turnoff ... More then her birthday.... Maybe cause I was more sober this time but I don't know. Her birthday made me question her ... Her birthday made me me question us.... I physically couldn't stay aroused. Watching him fuck her was not only painful to watch but it was painful to fuck through it .... I couldn't risk that again last night.... I know I'm just being passive aggressive now ... :/ but I don't know if I should confront her or not ... I just want us to be happy.

[studprincessjaymie]

#Pandora #samcooke #goldenoldies #thatkindanight #latrip