studywithsushi

[studywithsushi]

I have a problem with measuring my worth by how much I can produce. I sacrifice my health, my relationships, my sleep, to be a number on a page. But not just any number on the page, the best number on the page. Most of the time I do this, there is no monetary reward for working harder than I have to. No extra opportunities, and not even any real satisfaction. I wring myself down to blood and bone hoping I’ll get even a fucking crumb of validation or attention or genuine connection even though I rationally know that it will bring me none of those things. I have been told my whole life that to be worthy of those things is to be successful, and to be successful is to be the best, regardless of the cost. That compromising is the devil and that there is no such thing as good enough, as there is only one spot at first place. What holds me to these ideas, despite logically understanding that they’re wrong, is the need of approval from others. The yearning for the same level of attention I received as a young child for the same behaviour. To be just as valuable to other people as I was when I was perceived as blank slate.

I am nothing without the opinions of others.

And it has left me with no one.

[studywithsushi]

[studywithsushi]

1. Doctor finds anecdotal evidence that people are passing kidney stones after riding on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney World

2. Doctor makes 3-D model of kidney, complete with stones and urine (his own), takes it on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad 60 times

3. “The stones passed 63.89 percent of the time while the kidneys were in the back of the car. When they were in the front, the passage rate was only 16.67 percent. That’s based on only 60 rides on a single coaster, and Wartinger guards his excitement in the journal article: ‘Preliminary study findings support the anecdotal evidence that a ride on a moderate-intensity roller coaster could benefit some patients with small kidney stones.’”

4. “Some rides are going to be more advantageous for some patients than other rides. So I wouldn’t say that the only ride that helps you pass stones is Big Thunder Mountain. That’s grossly inaccurate.”

5. “His advice for now: If you know you have a stone that’s smaller than five millimeters, riding a series of roller coasters could help you pass that stone before it gets to an obstructive size and either causes debilitating colic or requires a $10,000 procedure to try and break it up. And even once a stone is broken up using shock waves, tiny fragments and “dust” remain that need to be passed. The coaster could help with that, too.”

SCIENCE: IT WORKS

[studywithsushi]

cannot stop thinking abt the paris review’s essay series on the history of significance of certain colours, hue’s hue:

Periwinkle, the Color of Poison, Modernism, and Dusk

Eau de Nil, the Light-Green Color of Egypt-Obsessed Europe

Marian Blue, the Color of Angels, Virgins, and Other Untouchable Things

Incarnadine, the Bloody Red of Fashionable Cosmetics and Shakespearean Poetics

Jonquil, the Light Yellow of Early Flowers, Mad Painters, and Dust Bowl–Era Pottery

Scheele’s Green, the Color of Fake Foliage and Death

Lilac, the Color of Half Mourning, Doomed Hotels, and Fashionable Feelings

Hooker’s Green: The Color of Apple Trees and Envy

Blaze Orange, the Color of Fear, Warnings, and the Artificial

Chartreuse, the Color of Elixirs, Flappers, and Alternate Realities

Living Coral, the Brutal Hue of Climate Change and Brand New iPhones

Mustard, the Color of Millennial Candidates, Problematic Lattes, and Aboriginal Paintings

Russet, the Color of Peasants, Fox Fur, and Penance

Verdigris: The Color of Oxidation, Statues, and Impermanence

[studywithsushi]

my profs’ advice/comments on impostor syndrome –

“i’ll tell you how i’ve learned to deal with this sort of thing. i didn’t develop a sense of joy in my academic study until i realized that what really matters is the work itself. it’s not about trying to impress anybody or trying to earn a specific grade. it’s all about loving the work, the reading, the writing, the critical conversation. and i think you do love those things, and you do enjoy your academic work when you can get out of your own way about it. now, where i’m at in my career, i have to think about what gets me up in the morning, and that’s not publishing 20 articles a year or seeking external approval. what it is, is writing, reading, and teaching about what I love, my own little academic world that i’ve created.” – prof c

 “i wrote shitty papers in college, and i still got a phd. you’re not supposed to know everything yet! you’re still learning! you know what, write that on a post-it and stick it on your laptop. you don’t have to know it all yet. you don’t have to be perfect.” – prof s

���while i can assure you that you should not feel like an imposter, i can also confess that the syndrome is common at all levels of academia – so you should not think yourself abnormal to be experiencing it.” (x)

“i hate to say/write this, but it’s sort of true: that you having these impostor-syndrome reactions, these worries about disappointing those you respect … to me, that sort of signals that you do have traits common to many successful academics! even people who have masses of success behind them – and, come to think of it, particularly the people who have a lot of cred *and* outside affirmation of it – suffer from impostor syndrome *if* (and the if is important) they genuinely care about the quality of their work. so: if it’s possible to think of these feelings as symptomatic of a characteristic many good academics share, then please do.                                                                                          (…) the important thing is this: how counterproductive it can be for self-sabotaging people to think of themselves as being ‘born’ to do something. it makes any possibility of missing the mark immediately existential. academic work is something one chooses because one has a strong interest in a certain field of study, an ability to study and produce credible work (as judged by ‘authorities’ in said field), and a social possibility to choose to proceed in that direction. sometimes, i, at least, find it helpful to remind myself of the simple facts of this.                       (…) i do think it’s important to put the activating gesture of entering grad school very firmly in your own hands. you are choosing this. you are choosing it because you want it, others have said that you are capable, and you have the practical possibility of choosing it. this is enough. the work will be enough without the existential heft, and the existential heft will not make the work better.” – s

 from my lit teacher’s wife, an english prof at ucb who graduated from yale – ”yes—i feel like this often—and so does every person i’m close to in academia, and every graduate student ever. the key is to just feel the fear and do it anyway, especially when ‘do it’ means ‘write.’” 

[studywithsushi]

Libraries are so dreamy, New York Public Library is no exception 🕯

[studywithsushi]

Hoping I get to witness that day 😶. Life’s been hard sigh. My creative juices are running low and I have an infinitely long to do list. Plus the fear of not being enough never lets me be at peace.

Always running, never taking a moment to stop and observe the transient beauty around us.

Always counting green paper, never taking account of the bucolic flora.

Always competing for the littlest of things only to satiate one’s ever growing ego only to restart this circadian yet hackable cycle which squashes the little iota of independence one might have.

If this all is that life has to offer then what a sad existence indeed.

One day, all your hard work will pay off ♧

🎧: All Them Witches - Marriage of Coyote Woman

[studywithsushi]

[studywithsushi]

Do we have a franz kafka diary entry for july 1st, i want to know what he thinks!!!

[studywithsushi]

24.06.2021 // reading some essays and doing a little self-study this afternoon! i spent the morning reading my old journals from 2019 and wow 16 year old me was so dramatic

[studywithsushi]

22.06.21 | some lovely pictures of my trip to oaxaca

yesterday was a really hard day (mental health speaking) and sometimes i find it really hard to talk about my feelings and what’s going through my mind, and i don’t really know why that happens, specially because in hiding my feelings i end up hurting those that are closest to me but at the same time it’s like ugh is it to hard to get that i DON’T wanna talk about it?

i’m almost on the verge of real vacations so that hypes me up! but also not that much because i’m still confined to my house e_e

how are you doing?

p.s. the pictures are from a small town called teposcolula

[studywithsushi]

Christina

[studywithsushi]

here’s a quick guide on how i proofread and edit my essays as an humanities undergrad! i tend to spend more time on research and editing and much less time on writing and my first drafts are often horrendous, so editing is really important for me :^)

i’ve also created guides on essay preparation, the 5-paragraph essay, how to research, and how to write essays. you can find all my other masterposts here.

transcript below:

Keep reading

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east river sunset 

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fr. “Selected Poems” by Carol Ann Duffy

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Dustin Kalynuk

[studywithsushi]

First round of papers to be read from my new desk!

And water from a wine glass. Because that’s just who I am at the moment