stwawberrymiwk-blog

[stwawberrymiwk-blog]

Now with the previous post a lot of things in my life seemed to make sense in my head. The reason why I’ve been treated badly, why I’ve felt so horrible all my life, why I felt like I needed to die 99% of the time. It’s simply because I’m not supposed to be here. And I’m not saying that because I’m suicidal, I haven’t always been suicidal, and even in those times I thought the same thing. I never fit into any kind of friendgroup. I remember at one point I looked into my dad’s face and I thought “who are you?”. I’ve known this man all my life yet in that moment, his face, his features, everything about him seemed to belong to a stranger to me. I’ve had this with a lot of people. Logically seen of course I know it’s my father. But that’s only on paper. That’s only biology. But him as a social person, a person I have to talk to and live with.. I have no idea who it is. Have you ever looked at someone you’ve known for a long time and thought “who are you?”. It’s hard to explain because it doesn’t have anything to do with changes in their personality or behavior or anything the like. It’s my brain questioning the existence of people in my life. People in general. I know who they are but they still look like strangers to me. And sometimes I wonder if someone else has had the same thought when they looked at my face. The fact that I don’t belong on this planet earth made me think that a lot of things that have gone wrong are my fault. I wonder if anyone has ever questioned their feelings. And I don’t mean it in the way you think I mean it. Sometimes I wonder if I just imagine having feelings for people. It seems so natural to everyone to find a liking in someone, to consider someone a friend. But I constantly ask myself if I’m not subconsciously pretending to like people or consider them friends. I question my own feelings, my own thoughts, everything I do or say. Because sometimes when I sit there and I realize how meaningless this life is considering we all die for nothing in the end, I realize that nobody really means anything to me. That nothing makes sense, that nothing matters or has value if you think about it strictly. Humans pretend, they pretend to feel, to love, to live, to be alive. Everything is just imagination. Because if anyone tried to look deep within themselves, they’d realize that there is nothing. We all just live in this world trying to make the best out of the fact that we have a consciousness. And criminals have discarded this fake nature of a human. Having no remorse is who we truly are. We all just pretend. Nothing is real. I can’t really keep a job or an interest in something for longer than a few months. Sometimes I don’t even understand myself when I react a certain way. Sometimes my brain shuts down and I don’t know what to say or how to react so I just don’t react or say anything at all. Most of the time I have no idea who I am. How is it possible that I grew up with two languages and I speak one of them on a daily because of my family and my job yet I can’t express myself in it at all? Life doesn’t make any sense and the fact that my brain has realized that made everything go downhill. I’d get kicked out of school, my workplaces, my family’s house, my friends’ house. I have the feeling I do everything wrong and I do not mean this in a way where my depression is talking, I mean it in a way where my brain realizes that the decisions I’ve made throughout life have been wrong. I don’t know what it is about me that makes me think so differently from everyone else - even my boyfriend has realized that - but it just strengthens my theory of me not belonging on this planet. I feel like a stranger, an alien, a parasite in a world that has no place for me. I’m not at fault for my existence happening in the first place. But I certainly am at fault for me going on with it.

[stwawberrymiwk-blog]

My reoccurring (day)dream This has something to do with the music I chose for my tumblr. My mind is a weird place and what I’m about to tell you will confuse you and you will not be able to sympathize with it because I think it may be something supernatural. But supernatural things usually don’t make you feel something... or at least not something you can’t explain. I once had this dream of being in the galaxy. But there were merely any stars and certainly no planets. It was the big nothing of the universe. My version of the void if I was to give it a name. I was floating in this void, not so much like a sparkly, flying Star Guardian, but more like a lost individual that gets consumed by the endless nothingness. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced it - I assume you have - the feeling I got from being there (phyiscally) was like cold rain on a hot summer day. It is known that there are no winds or any kind of air in outer space but it still felt like cold air was embracing my entire body. I didn’t feel cold, but my skin did. As if I was naked, but I couldn’t look down on myself to find it out. If that makes any sense. There is a feeling that I can’t describe here, something that feels like emptiness but at the same time it doesn’t. It’s just the big, black nothing and while a lot of people would be scared, I wasn’t. I felt like I belonged there. Among the few stars that I could make out in the distance. I’ve said it a lot of times, I think. “I belong among the stars.” Not necessarily into outer space, but into that void that I keep thinking of whenever I hear that song on my tumblr or whenever I fall asleep at night. And I think the most important part of this dream/thought is: It makes me want to kill myself. Now, I exaggerated this part a bit but I really wanted to have your full attention on this. This void made me feel like I was dead. I was thinking maybe this is what happens to us after we die? It wasn’t so much the feeling of being dead but the thought of what may be after I die. And if it wasn’t that, it made me want to die. This is one of the reasons I’m so addicted, so attracted to outer space, the stars, the sun, the moon, everything. I’ve had this dream ever since I was a kid and I was never sure about its meaning, I’ve never really talked to anyone about it since I thought it wouldn’t make any sense to anyone. Nobody would understand.. today I don’t expect anyone to. I’m certain that my place isn’t on this planet, this world. It’s among the stars. More a floating void in my head than a physical place. I feel at home there. Even if it’s connected to death in my mind, I feel safer than I do when I’m awake. Or when I’m at home.