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Change

I truly feel like a different person from who I was just a year ago. I almost don’t recognize myself. Is it the current conditions and the radicalization that came as a consequence? Maybe. I do know that my goals in life have changed forever and that my experience of the world will be both frustrating and optimistic from this point onward. I’m on a long road to connect with myself, nature, and people. I feel fulfillment on this road. It's grounding and spiritual at the same time. There is still a lot of learning and unlearning that I need to do, as well as a desire for personal autonomy (nothing new there) to exercise my beliefs. I still carry with me a lot of envy, selfishness, and toxic individualism that I wish to let go of. Hopefully, someday, I'll find my role in changing the world.

The way these changes have influenced my approach to create art has been one of the most fulfilling things I have experienced in my life so far. There’s a lot of frustration that comes with it, to see the world for what it is and live in it, but ultimately I feel passion for life more than ever. There's no more ladder, no more winning, no more fear of failure. In place of career and success, I want happiness, healing, play, and love--and I want it for everyone.

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i’m back

Hello again. I’m back to share new feelings. I’d like to think that I’m a completely different person from the 15-year-old girl who thought the world of boys who aren’t even smart. I’m not the same. Sometimes, I wish I were, but ultimately, I’m glad I’m not. I still don’t know how to write well though, that hasn’t changed. I’m all grown up and dealing with new demons, but I think I at least have a few weapons now. I left tumblr somewhere between my angst-y teen years and when I transferred universities because it was the worst of times. In a way, I let some tumblr communities "enable” my depression and awful perception of my body (I’m not gonna say the exact words). I remember it well but it feels like a fever dream. I can’t believe that was a real thing I experienced. When I remember it, it’s as if there’s a different person telling me the story.

It’s the 5th or 6th month of quarantine (I honestly lost count!) due to COVID-19 and it’s not exactly the best time of my life. I miss my friends. I miss the tight spaces of my favorite gig bar. I miss the life I was living. I know, I know—I’m fortunate enough to have the time and luxury to miss it. There’s so much to catch up on! I feel like I started becoming the person I was always meant to be around 2016. Crazy to think that that was already 4 years ago. I’ve found so many people to love and so many opportunities to grow, both as an artist and a musician, in the past 4 years. I’m still figuring things out but I’m just glad that I get to miss a good life in these trying times of isolation. I miss it so much it hurts a little. So I’m back. I’m not at my best, but I’m not at my worst either. I’m just here.