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Dear diary...
I try to be enough.
I really do.
But I also know I will never be.
There's no point in me trying. Cause in the end I'm a failure, and that's all I will ever be.
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My dream for this year is to be dead……I don’t care how, just dead
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I’m always the back burner friend. The friend that’s always there for everyone, but not important enough to be there for. I’m only moved to the front when it’s convenient. I’m tired.
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I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. How am I supposed to be happy in a place I so clearly don't belong
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Holding on gets harder and harder everyday and I don’t really see myself having a future.
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I hope my absence brings you the peace that my love couldn’t
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There was a point today where all of my friends were saying goodbye to each other for the night and I was the one walking a little further behind. I was the one they didn't look for when they parted ways. I know they have a group chat without me, they do so many things I don't know about there's no way they don't. And I've realized that when i speak they go quiet and they don't realize the marks on my arm I've called a little accident never quite fade and all I wanted was a "goodbye" or a "goodnight" but all I got was left behind. As always. I don't know what I do wrong anymore.
#literally what if i kill myself like#does it matter genuinely#i want my death to be some freak accident#so they dont feel bad
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“I do not like who I am. There is nothing good about me anymore. I am sick of wasting my time. I am worn out, I am really tired.”
— there is no point of me being here if I am not doing anything useful
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something i realized over the years is that despite wanting to kill myself, i don't actually wanna die. far from it actually. i want to live. i want to experience all the things i always wanted to do. i want to see the world. i want to look in the mirror one day and say "im happy i stayed". i want to get better. i want to live a life free from the shackles this mental illness has kept me in. but sometimes that darkness in my brain just overtakes that hope for a better future and all i'm left with is the thought that it will never get better.
— i want to live, but not like this.
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