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Unbridged Joke

The easiest way of hiding something is in plane sight. With every joke i have told there is a line of truth. Make a joke at my ex wife and it makes people laugh and was able to hide how hard it was to leave. The fear i was going to hurt her. Very few afterwards will think deeper into the meaning.

The truth would be confirmed in 1999. Space jam came out and everyone talks about lola's sexuality. That was part of it, but they created a character and in 10 second's had everyone's jaw hit the floor. They knew exactly what they wanted, animated it, voiced it and here she was. From the moment she spoke she had the audience. It was something i always wanted to achieve. I Got into graphic design because of "Don’t Ever Call Me, Doll". Lola was also sexuality, she moved so flued and sitting in that cinema that i finally admitted to myself. I'm not a man, i'm trapped in the wrong body. The first time i had admitted that my parents where wrong. Since that day i was trying to find myself.

There was another artist who had my attention in 1999. That was eminem with the slim shady LP. By the time marshall mathers lp came out in 2000 i had listened to that LP over a huntred times. I Had fights at home, my material was stolen from me. That was all locked inside because like a fucking idiot i respected them. Marshall was not just a rapper but a rapper who said what was on his mind. Another spark would go off and my mouth was unleashed. I Was given the gift of memory, and sarcasm is my language of choice.

It became movie's that helped me, music that moved me. With every joke i speak there is a line of truth. I'm sorry i'm not the child most wanted but i'm the woman the world needed. I See beauty in the overlooked, a smile in every frown. I'm writing this admitting becoming addicted to lola awoke me. Lola bunny (space jam), Jessica Rabbit (Who framed Roger Rabbit?) & Roxanne, spice girls (geri,emma,mel c,mel b,victoria) madonna,dita,cher were all who raised me.

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Unbridged Bitch..

I Should call carla, the stent is out and i know she would want to know. Everytime i lift the phone, subconsciously knowing i'm going to call it anger's me. Not a smidge,that anger when they throw the phone across the room. It's all brought up in you second that she failed me, she lied to me, she never told me what i needed to know to survive. Why am i being the better person toward someone who is a a cunt? All this is inside me and calling her would only do me more harm then good. The other truth is i more dislike her then love her but a part of me does. I Fucking hate that i do still care.

I'll eventually make this call. I'll be the bigger person, the better person. Not for them, because since i was born i have this beating heart inside. I'm not ignorance or vengence, i'm river and i refuse to forget my own principles. I just can't call yet, i'm still processesing.

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Unbridged Termoil

This is one of those things that become hard to explain. The fight still lingering in my head. Now i have to hold my head up, choke back the fear that seems to be eating me alive. I'm being stretched between two situations. On the left, i'm still in pain and mentally raw, then on the right iv got to expose my penis something i fucking despise.

Your talking to the gurl who almost took her penis off with some scissors. I took solice no one could see me beyond the clothes. So there i went, headphones on only conistrating to the audiobook of Hollow City, distract myself enough. Nick's there of course talking about birthday's to the nurse. "I Know it sound strange imagine your pissing" the doctor's said and my mind's thinking "How about u just get it done before i choke u with that stethoscope. I'm just numb as they clean, as they shove this instrument into my penis and then threw the hole of the mechanism a pipe to catch the stent.

So after the kidney stones, the surgery, the hospital trips this is the end. Somehow i made it threw alive

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The Unbridged Fight

When you said you forgot

You said you would come home at 7. You made plans with me and i waited till the money was better for us. You forgot and came home 2 hours later. When i screamed it was my heart in termoil. I Understand why you took the second shift, you were fully in your rights. For anyone else this would be a simple mistake.

I'm damaged, my past haunts me and that hurt was not your fault. It took this simple situation and just fucked me up. When you said that you forgot about me, my minds screaming am i no longer good enough? We fought and now i'm in the shower to cover the sound of the tears. The last thing i want you to think is that this all was your fault. You never abandoned me, you were always there for me. It's just that how they damaged me, trauma has a way of lingering. sighs i'm sorry, but i'm vunerable there's no walls and this is new for me. I'm in the biggest fight of my fucking life and don't have a handle on this. It was easy when i took my emotions and just locked them up inside. I'm finally faceing myself and learning to stand again. I'm going to fall, i'm gonna stagger but the last thing i'll do is give up. These writings are me being again vulnerable, faceing the situations because locking them all up will only harm you more. I know that more then ever when i look in your eyes, or the eyes of the family. I'm worth more then trauma, the darkness of my disorders. You said you would make it up to me, you are sorry. I Don't accept your apology because there's nothing to apologize for. You said you will make it up to me but you already have. Without you saving me i would not be here. Your my hero, my savior if anything i owe you my own life. With all i can muster i love you and that fight hurt even me. I Just have triggers, it sucks that it sometimes comes out at the ones i love. I hate they did this to me, i didn't deserve this and was used as there amusement now i'm this.

Just know, that i'm hopeing soon i can stand on my own, face my own consiquences. We had a deal of splitting the money threw the month and i changed it. It wasn't to make things harder, i'll still help if asked but its the opposite. You saved me time and time again, all my mistakes with money, put yourself in debt for me. I Need to see the end were the money stops and if i fuck up that's on me. This is how i learn just hit the ground fucking running. This is how i'm going to live after the scariest thing in my life happens. A Life without you

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The Unbridged Truth Part 1

We used to be close, but people can go From people you know to people you don't And what hurts the most is people can go From people you know to people you don't (Selena Gomez)

It's always been need to know. The truth is it dates back before the divorce. Carla always had the noose around someone's neck. I Found a picture one day when i was being a snoop. Nick had this metal box and i was curious. In the box was a picture. the divorce papers and deep inside i knew carla still had hands around nick. There was no going to her so i called my grandmother and she told me the entire truth. That the picture i held was of barbara and in her arms was patricia my sister. There's a story that when christmas came around like all children they are asked what they wanted. Each time i wanted a sister and the entire time she knew patricia was alive. I don't think my blood history was need to know as was told to me. I think they didn't trust her with the truth. I'm the exception because there blood runs threw my veins. It's hard on me because i don't know who carla is anymore. People can defend her and say she was trying to only protect me. There's a good chance she was but the reality is trying to protect me, lying to me only hurt me. The divorce papers were signed in agreement but most of it was aimed at nick. He wasn't there for her it writing claimed, he didn't love her enough. There is not many who know that i have seen the actually court documents. Nick was just a victim. In the end he saved my life threw love and thats how i know that those documents were bullshit. She was not a hero but a greedy bitch wanting out of a promise and hop on another dick. My stepfather was two faced with his fist and she was two faced with her words.

The family didn't speak so my disorder's went unchecked. Who carla molded me to be was never who i was and nick followed because he honestly loved her. There's this puzzle that is in the shape of a block. It had these holes that were triangle,square,circle,hexagon and pieces that fit those holes. That box was my life and i was a circle and they tried to put me into the hexagon. These past two months iv met people who only confirmed the reality, and the past three years lifted my head. So sitting across from her from the table at the cheescake i had to remind myself nick still loves her, the money she hands we need. I'll never trust her and i just wanted to teach her a lesson. Teach her what it's like to mess with someone's heart like a puppet straight into the table. How's the blood taste, how's the betray feel, how does it feel to be fucking useless. Give her a taste of when she abandoned me each day, chose him over me her daughter and what she did to my father. It hurts to say i love her, because she's a fucking monster but i can't help it. I Can say like my stepfather i hate her. My calls at the hospital were not sincere, they were me just going threw the motions. It never was her i called first but last. I see my place in this world, see i have a place in it.

My own monster was a product of there fucked actions. My actions were my own and i take responsibility for them. If i hurt you i'm forever sorry. It was there betrayl, there ideals,the self righteous ignorance that in turn created the monster in me. It was watching kids getting picked up at school by family knowing inside my own was dead. It was thanksgiving at grandma's and he sat once were my father sat. It was the abandonment and need for affection that burned into me. I Lied to people just so they would stay, lied to them to be the center of attention. Manipulating the situations in my own favor. After jessica i did my best to cure myself from this curse. The chains that bound me are gone and i'm just screaming, it feels like i took 3 to the chest. They wanted me to stop, they feared me and for good reason. I'm not going to stop till everyone's accounted. They should have thought about this when they opened there mouth, before they chose violence. I can remember what you can't, i can remember the word's, the incidents. My weapon is truth, i'll bring the truth out and let people make there own opinions. So now that iv told the truth about carla what's next? I Don't know honestly. I Do know that i hope my darrell is proud of me. I'm his only offspring. The blood that runs threw these veins was a gift. That jessica where ever she is has a smile on her face and nick i hope i live up to being your daughter. I'll be write more takeing out more slugs, the more i release the more weight is off my shoulders. I'm not honestly happy about this but in the end it's survival. I'm tired of being the victim.