suchi1908

[suchi1908]

all that emo and delusional shit is over, ima be real now. I’m gonna be honest. I’m just gonna do whatever I want. I seriously do not give a shit anymore.

[suchi1908]

The most cruel thing of all is that only pain helped me. If I was in pain, If I was humiliated or betrayed only then life gets easier. Pain is my only hope. My only option to get better, to change, to control. If I’m in pain, if I cry, if I break myself to nothing then only everything makes sense. Only then I feel in control. Masochism is so degrading and heartbreaking, I wish I was just delusional about it. But that’s how my life has worked until now. If I was suffering, things go right. And I’m even okay with it. I welcome it. If I welcome it, will I be able to handle it better?

[suchi1908]

natal ascendant aspects

mercury trine asc intellect

venus q asc beauty

jupiter lucky

neptune sextile asc: The Neptune sextile to your Ascendant infuses your personality with sensitivity, creativity, and a touch of mystique. You have a natural ability to tune into the emotions and needs of others, and your intuition guides you in navigating the complexities of human relationships. This aspect can also bestow a sense of idealism and spiritual insight, inspiring you to seek deeper meaning and connection in your interactions with the world. observing and knowing ppl, collecting information on ppl intuitively

pluto conjunct asc 1st house: often undergo a physical transformation after major inner healing. They represent metamorphosis and this often shows up literally in their body. After releasing emotional baggage, trauma healing, they look noticeably lighter, sharper or more grounded. They change hair, wardrobe or even facial expressions. They lose or gain weight rapidly, but not from diet, but from energetic shifts. When they purge emotion, this reflects in their body, it's like their body needs to be updated. have a lot of survival tactics, like hypervigilance, emotional restraint and strategic silence. That's why they struggle to relax, overshare or appear vulnerable. Not out of ego, but because they need to stay hidden to stay safe. While this can protect them, it can also sabotage intimacy. They are here to live an authentic life no matter the cost. But this comes at a price, usually through breakdowns, public exposures, betrayals or identity breakdown. They need to become undeniably themselves, not someone liked by everyone. private

14 degrees: This is where the soul stops negotiating. You came back to carry something real, to shed the identities you once used to survive. There’s no more pretending. Only the slow, strong work of becoming the shape you were always meant to be. calm, relaxed and grounded vibes, rich vibe, laid back and cool headed

sag asc: There is an air of mystery in their relaxed and contemplative appearance. Natives with a strong physique, gifted with the charisma and wisdom of Jupiter, these natives tend to look older when they are young and younger when older. A charming enigma, they can go from being hilarious, witty and jovial, to being rational, analytical and observant. An insatiable thirst to see beyond appearances, seemingly perfect systems and the masks people seem to wear. Strong will and mind, endowed with courage and bravery, no obstacle seems greater if they take a look at everything that forged them. They are people devoted to the beliefs they have and, no matter how open-minded, making them change their minds is not an easy task. Adventurous and curious when something catches their attention, rooted when making a decision. An inquisitive mind with idealistic overtones, a strong need for independence and a character with ambivert tendencies.

[suchi1908]

my ascendant persona chart

sun (core energy, main vibe): sag sun, 5th house 14 degrees ; people have always referred to me as philosophical person. I somehow make sure my opinions are always known, like if someone brings up my caste I will make sure they know I think caste is bullshit and I don’t follow by them. I am very idealistic and spiritual as well. I tend to be a bit playful and crack a lot of stupid jokes when I get comfortable, and in a good mood. I tend to have the wildest opinions about how I pe

aqua moon in 8th house: I’m a reserved person, everyone considers me to be, it takes years for me to actually open up to someone. Most of my friendships end because I am too guarded. I stay emotionally detached most of the time, but sometimes the emotions slip through in public and let me tell you it’s intense asf. Like somehow everyone around is bothered by it. Even family members think it’s too intense when I express anything and tell me to tone it down. So it’s always been hard to be vulnerable.

Scorpio mercury in 5th house, the way it shapes how others perceive my intellect, speech, and wit: I think people never really get what I’m saying most of the time, I have had many issues regarding speech so I tend to act like I’m a person of few words. People automatically assume I’m intelligent with just the way I speak. But they don’t whether I’m really intelligent or not, I think they’re just projecting or just assuming by the way I speak but I working say I’m intelligent. I say really less and have a monotone tone. I have a dark humor and I make a lot of sexual jokes with the people I’m close with. I would say the way I speak always changes. Like the accent or the technique or anything i always try to change it, make it better. I’m really insecure about it since I have Saturn conjunct mercury in my natal. It governs how people discuss my physical appearance, people somehow notice everything I wear, like from earrings to a fucking pimple. Like they care so much and I know they talk about it behind my back. Like whatever I wear or bring with me, it’s tea to them. I’m pretty sure they think I’m a weirdo after a conversation with me. And I have a Leo mercury too so I tend to be dramatic asf too. People are done with me, that much I know.

The placement of Venus in the Ascendant Persona Chart highlights how others perceive your beauty, charm, and aesthetic preferences. I got a Capricorn Venus in 7th house conjuncting Chiron (fuck). I don’t think I ever been the cute person, like nobody really perceives me as a cute or adorable person. Sadly. I always been the mature kid from the beginning even at home and outside, and even in the charm area I don’t really display it outside. I think that gives a cap vibe. Even in aesthetic preferences I’m very particular like only gold jewels or black handbags. I’m very particular and I don’t like carrying something that’s too energetic. Something classic. It governs your sense of style, clothing, and personal allure, as well as how you attract and connect with others. Yeah I guess I covered the style and clothing but for personal allure, ok so there was this time I got tired of my friend group (I was a kid back then), and I went to sit in the first bench to listen to the class and stop giving a fuck about friendships and boys. I joined a tuition and I kept studying all the time in the breaks, somehow I had more guys talking to me than before. And when I give speeches or teach a class somehow that’s alluring ig? I gain attention automatically. Like when I’m very focused on what I’m doing like being in the flow and not giving a fuck about what’s happening or reading a book somehow people would look at me and notice me out of nowhere even teachers. Venus also offers insight into how people view your romantic inclinations and overall approach to relationships. So for this there is a recent example, I think I always found people older than me attractive but not like dilfs ew but like 3-5 years old is okay. So in my uni there’s like more than 5 lakhs of kids. And somehow I didn’t feel attracted to anyone, all of my friends are having fun with the guys but I never really got much attention from guys my age or younger. But I took an outside class and the guy teaching me was hot asf. We were just flirting and all nothing serious, but somehow my friends said out of all the guy here you chose someone older, and they were teasing about how I like them older. So I guess that’s how they perceive my inclinations. And my approach to relationships, I always say that I will only date after I’m financially secure everytime someone asks me about it. I think i need someone who can reassure my need for financial security, And people say i have a mature view about it.

i don’t really understand my Taurus mars in 10th house or Scorpio Jupiter in 8th house, i don’t know what these are.

for Saturn it’s in Leo and in first house but i have a cancer ascendant. I think this is an amazing representation, because I got Pluto conjunct ascendant in natal. I think the way people perceive is really restricted. Saturn in this chart reflects how others perceive your structure, discipline, and maturity. It often highlights areas where people view you as responsible or restricted, noticing what you lack or work hardest to achieve. Saturn’s placement can also indicate how your persona projects authority and reliability. I think people have perceived me as mature or responsible, like they put the whole thing on me and relying too much on me. I have been in authoritative positions most of my life, but including my cancer ascendant I think I always try to appear as a nice person someone kind and considerate. Like I want people to feel comfortable around me, I don’t want to hurt anyone so o really really focus on it I can’t live with hurting someone unless they deserve it, but I think that quality of me is restricted. With a Pluto rising on my natal people have always said that I’m really scary or intimidating when they first meet me, like I’m really quiet and look mean. But then when they actually know me they are fucking surprising that I’m actually nice which is an act too cause yk social anxiety. But that’s why I think the restriction part is real, because I restrict the real way I appear by stuff like these.

i don’t give a shit about Neptune Uranus and Pluto in persona charts. Too much, im bored.

yeah that’s it bye

[suchi1908]

i dont want anyone anymore. seriously. nobody. i dont want to care about anyone. no more of this love bullshit. i just dont want anyone. noone nobody not anymore. please take them all away, no take me away. put me in a casket. burn me. kill me. fuck me. torture me. i want to die. i really do. i really fucking do. i dont want anything anyone. just nothing, no matter what i try how much i try nothing ever changes, things are only goig to get worse im only going to feel more pain. theres no hope. there never was. i just want this to end. why cant it end. it was over. they said it will be over on march 29. they said it will be fucking over. why isnt it over yet. why do i still feel like shit. i want to die more than anything. i dont want this anymore. please please kill me im begging you kill me take me god if u really exist, if you ever loved me, just take me. make it painless. dont make feel it. just take me destroy me. i serve no purpose

[suchi1908]

im going to end my relationship with my dad. thats it. from now i dont want him. i need to learn how to drive in this city's traffic. find some connections so i can survive. i dont want him in my life anymore. is it because he is a bad person? yeah. i wouldnt deny that he is not trying. but guess what im a bad person too. im the worst. im disgustingly bad. not the cool one some people are. im genuinenly disgusting. im masochistic. diconnected from reality. extreme social anxiety and relational trauma. cant even feel safe in my environment without the fucking internet. im fucked up and he is one of the reasons for it. im tired of forgiving. im tired of acting like everything is okay. i dont want him anymore. i need to get the fuck out of my house. i will not give up on mysefl anymore. no matter how much i fuck everything up. even if im the most hated person in a room. even if i was abused, raped and betrayed and i dont know anything whatever. im not going to give up on myself. im tired of it. i just want to live, without pain, without fear, without worrying. i just want to live. i dont want million dollars or i dont want happiness, i just want to be safe from all of this. i dont even want happiness i dont want love i dont want anything good its fine if i feel like shit but i just want to be safe, i just dont watn to be in pain, i dont wantt o scared. i want to feel neutral, i want to feel peace, safesafe i want safe safe safe safe safe keep me safe i want to be saef keep me safe from this hell of a place house city college, every place is hell. someone needs to keeps me safe from this palce im begging you

[suchi1908]

im going to end my relationship with my dad. thats it. from now i dont want him. i need to learn how to drive in this city's traffic. find some connections so i can survive. i dont want him in my life anymore. is it because he is a bad person? yeah. i wouldnt deny that he is not trying. but guess what im a bad person too. im the worst. im disgustingly bad. not the cool one some people are. im genuinenly disgusting. im masochistic. diconnected from reality. extreme social anxiety and relational trauma. cant even feel safe in my environment without the fucking internet. im fucked up and he is one of the reasons for it. im tired of forgiving. im tired of acting like everything is okay. i dont want him anymore. i need to get the fuck out of my house. i will not give up on mysefl anymore. no matter how much i fuck everything up. even if im the most hated person in a room. even if i was abused, raped and betrayed and i dont know anything whatever. im not going to give up on myself. im tired of it. i just want to live, without pain, without fear, without worrying. i just want to live. i dont want million dollars or i dont want happiness, i just want to be safe from all of this. i dont even want happiness i dont want love i dont want anything good its fine if i feel like shit but i just want to be safe, i just dont watn to be in pain, i dont wantt o scared. i want to feel neutral, i want to feel peace, safesafe i want safe safe safe safe safe keep me safe i want to be saef keep me safe from this hell of a place house city college, every place is hell. someone needs to keeps me safe from this palce im begging you

[suchi1908]

it's like nothing I ever do matters. no matter how much I try nothing really changes. is my life getting worse? yeah kinda. but did certain things get better? thats true too. the doctor is changed and somehow that made things easier. swimming is pretty much the only thing keeping my alive. i discovered so many disgusting things about myself that made me give up on love. ethan died. i gave up on friendships after his death. so many things changed. but somehow i feel like its not for the better. practically it looks like a few things are good for me. but i still feel like im in danger all the time.

idk what to do these days. everything i do. i fuck it up. everything. im a fuck up. im damaged and broken. i have always believed a mind can always be changed, healed but i dont know. this is getting nowhere. im so fucked up. im so stupid. im stupid, fucked up, damaged hopefully not beyond repair, masochistic, i cant even stay in reality. the other day i left the door open and forgot about it. its like im completely disconnected to reality. its all because of this stupid phone but i cant really be rid of it. its the only thing that makes me feel safe. internet is the only thing that keeps me safe.

[suchi1908]

it's like nothing I ever do matters. no matter how much I try nothing really changes. is my life getting worse? yeah kinda. but did certain things get better? thats true too. the doctor is changed and somehow that made things easier. swimming is pretty much the only thing keeping my alive. i discovered so many disgusting things about myself that made me give up on love. ethan died. i gave up on friendships after his death. so many things changed. but somehow i feel like its not for the better. practically it looks like a few things are good for me. but i still feel like im in danger all the time.

idk what to do these days. everything i do. i fuck it up. everything. im a fuck up. im damaged and broken. i have always believed a mind can always be changed, healed but i dont know. this is getting nowhere. im so fucked up. im so stupid. im stupid, fucked up, damaged hopefully not beyond repair, masochistic, i cant even stay in reality. the other day i left the door open and forgot about it. its like im completely disconnected to reality. its all because of this stupid phone but i cant really be rid of it. its the only thing that makes me feel safe. internet is the only thing that keeps me safe.

[suchi1908]

fuck this I’ll love myself the way I need to be loved I deserve love

I wish

someone cares about how I feel

someone hugs me, kisses me, caress my head and provide physical affection

someone listen to me and try to understand me

someone helped out in things I struggle with

someone talks to me with gentleness and love

someone lets me be vulnerable with them

someone lets me be myself with them

someone lets me cry and create a safe space for me to feel

someone treats me gently

someone could make me feel safe

someone takes care of me on the days I cant

someone knows when I want to talk and when I don’t

someone can have conflicts with me without traumatising me or yell at me

someone would be bothered if I was in pain

someone would comfort me or care for me when I’m suffering

someone would understand me and see me for who I am

I could trust someone and they don’t betray me

I could feel safe and comfortable with someone

[suchi1908]

perfect health, can never get sick, can’t catch any disease, mental health, great emotional health, spirituality and vinayagar, self love, love with life, happiness

appearance change (height, weight, skin, hair, brows and lashes, posture, psychological aspects: elegance, poise, power, dominance, calmness, sophistication, elusive, taciturn and reticent. reading people getting inside their heads seeing their souls but they can’t see a damn thing in me)

wealth, career, hacking, ai, healthy relationship with money, never running out of money, feeling satisfied with my career, love my job, wear elegant and classy clothes to my job, leadership roles

knowledge, maxed out intellect, emotional and social intellectual, photographic memory, rapid learning, genius, multilingual

swimming, drums, karate, cooking, learning multiple languages

psychology, philosophy, manipulation, reading people, power plays, crazy social intelligence, forming relationships with ease, dark psychology,

appearance change

perfect health

wealth

social life

job placement

intellect

hobbies

[suchi1908]

social life, literally everyone knows me, I’m too likeable, I’m pretty private and silent but I’m friends with everyone, I have great connections and a solid friend group

photographic memory, learning faster, I’m a genius, I learn everything so easily, all my intelligence like social intellectual, emotional intelligence are maxed out. I’m just good at everything, I'm fluent in several languages I love reading

I have soft long and thick hair. my skin is clear, fair and soft. My eyebrows and lashes are thick. I have brown doe eyes. My curls are just perfect. My arms and legs are really thin. I’m like 50 kgs and 5’7

black belt in karate, perfectly healthy, I can never get sick, I just don’t get sick, I have no health issues, what even is a health issue never heard of it,

perfect grades, I don’t score anything less than 97%, I get a perfect 100 all the time, I’m a genius

[suchi1908]

I wish

someone cares about how I feel

someone hugs me, kisses me, caress my head and provide physical affection

someone listen to me and try to understand me

someone helped out in things I struggle with

someone talks to me with gentleness and love

someone lets me be vulnerable with them

someone lets me be myself with them

someone lets me cry and create a safe space for me to feel

someone treats me gently

someone could make me feel safe

someone takes care of me on the days I cant

someone knows when I want to talk and when I don’t

someone can have conflicts with me without traumatising me or yell at me

someone would be bothered if I was in pain

someone would comfort me or care for me when I’m suffering

someone would understand me and see me for who I am

I could trust someone and they don’t betray me

I could feel safe and comfortable with someone

[suchi1908]

fuck I miss the pain I feel so empty but yeah I’m still in denial about the m tendencies. I just miss the pain at least I get to feel something

[suchi1908]

I look at my past and my future with positive emotions only

I live in the present completely

I’m in tune with my thoughts and emotions

I prioritise my happiness and health

I eat healthy and delicate food every day

I exercise and swim every day to feel good

I let go of all the addiction that keep me a prisoner

I’m the only love interest in my life now

God will take care of everything

[suchi1908]

I hate my family, they are so inconsiderate. I’m grateful to have them, but fuck. can’t I have it another way. ik im complaining but can’t they treat me better than this

[suchi1908]

my estp younger brother was mocking and bullying me at dinner, that’s how he communicates with me and I know I just put up with it. I was ignoring him and talking to my mother about a dream, he says something really hurtful and then I pull his psychological profile, explaining why he feels the need to put me down and pointing all his trauma and shit. Then he finally shuts up. If that’s not a infj thing idk what is.