馃崘馃キ lydia | 30 馃尶馃 i'm just a complainer, a whiner maybe, definitely a bitcher 馃
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i made a shopping list and its really long and now i dont feel like going
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ah man its not unbearably hot out, i think i can take a walk and go to traders joes and not feel the overwhelming dread since i dont have to work tomorrow, amazing, i should not have work tomorrow everyday
#my therapist did confirm that yes i dont really want to quit my job#i just want to quit life so there was some clarity there i guess
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somebody hug me please
#yo I would totally hire a professional cuddler if like I was okay with a stranger touching me#I just need the physical contact so bad!#remind that I inhabit a physical body please!#and that it's not weird to need that also!#this why I should get into a contact sport#just need my anxiety to not be a thing
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I told my coworker that I'm going to the beach tomorrow because I fucking don't think before I speak and so now I feel fucking obligated to do that even though I couldn't care less about the beach anymore because god forbid he follows up and asks me a question about it
#also he was very nice to me today#I mean he's always nice to me#but like he spent a lot of time with me today and I know he was killing time but this isn't helping the crush allegations I have on this man#ughhhhhh!!!!#I don't need to be doing this!
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oh good I love when my therapist ends my session asking me if I have anyone I can call or talk if I'm feeling really bad and my answer is no, like girl you know I have no friends, weve been working together for over year wtf, you are the one and only person I talk to apart from the abyss of tumblr who hates to see me coming with a text post
#I'm such a fucking mess#every session there's like a glimmer of my brain actually processing and understanding#and then I'm overwhelmed again and it shuts off#I didn't even say I was gonna kms or anything#but maybe the hopeless was apparent this time#I actually really just want to talk to my old therapist I trusted her a lot but if course she doesn't take my insurance now
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oh great now I'm just in a fucking mess of a state that isn't going to be conducive to therapy at all
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oh thank god I took off tomorrow
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I need a change of environment, maybe I'll start scrolling tumblr from the hallway floor
#I have like to places to be in my apt and it's couch or bed and I hate it#I would hang at my kitchen table if it weren't always like 90 in there
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I like fell asleep kinda early last night and I woke up in the middle of the night to hinge guy texting that he wanted to know if I still want to keep in contact because he didn't want to be a bother "馃ゲ" like man I feel terrible but like I don't trust that he wanted anything other than a hookup and I told him I wasn't about that right now, but I felt so sad that I just push people away like wtf is wrong with me but also like his last 6 unanswered texts were like the same nonsense, why didn't he give up already????
#why do I feel bad??#why can't I maintain any relationship#why can't I be decent and respond to him it's not that hard bro I hate myself
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omg one of the therapists my therapist has for a referal has a therapy dog and wrote a whole profile for it as if the dog wrote it about themselves and its kind of fucking unhinged but also cute and im crying but idk if i can take this woman seriously but she's the only older therapist on the list and local so might reach out to her
#im lowkey terrified to do in person therapy again but i actually think it matters so much#my last therapists have been 100% virtual and i've always felt a slight disconnect and misunderstandings because of it
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ugh my therapist gave me recommendations of new ones and like idek, some seem promising but then it's like I don't take insurance! And I get that but I'm poor, I can barely afford the $25 copay, I can't do out of network
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literally waiting for paint to dry at my job 馃様
#idk what I'm doing here#my coworker who started the same time as me although a different position#is so positive#he's like this is great#and I'm just trying not to be debbie downer#idk I just have no patience and hate waiting for others to finish their job so I can do mine#like I have one day to finish this and the prep hasn't been completed#hence why I'm painting when it's not my job
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oh jesus why is my mom telling me I need to call her "she spoke to someone from my grade" like gtfo I don't wanna hear about this
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