suffocatingdisinterest - Tumblr blog

[suffocatingdisinterest]

I SOOOO wanna dip my toes into tarot though. like fuck yes 60 year old on the internet please tell me if im gonna get the job i applied for

[suffocatingdisinterest]

I ate mango today. Twice.

I dragged it from the bowl’s belly to my lips, licking my fingers with each morsel caught between my teeth.

Before that I ate it from a plastic bag, squeezing the tough and unripened pieces to the top and chewing them with glee. I was happy, because I could enjoy it with my friend, and because I just enjoy mango.

I enjoyed it equally both times.

I enjoyed the company, I enjoyed the ripeness.

The flesh tasted delicious when I could eat with my hands and hardly had to care for the sticky residue to be left after eating.

But it was fulfilling when I could talk with my friend and eat.

I feel like I’m just eating to eat now. I’m gorging myself because of past habits, and it feels so disgusting now that I’m allowed to have a healthy lifestyle. I’m so used to starving and gorging and surviving that I don’t know how to do anything without that pattern.

It was my blueprint. I miss it, even if it terrified me. I mourn it, even though it’s the one thing I wanted to escape for the longest amount of time in my life.

I hate him for making that normal. I hate myself for accepting it and not fighting from the beginning.

I wish I was never naive. I wish I was never born.

[suffocatingdisinterest]

im fucking MEAN AS HELL BRUHHHH

my friend recently got broken up w (almost a monthlong relationship) and i just can’t stop thinking abt how i thought “well lets see how long it lasts” when she first told me abt her boy. and i was fucking right. but also i feel so bad bc like him & here were getting along rlly well before????? like dawg at least distance urself a bit so we can anticipate instead of just dipping after we all got along the day before. like why it gotta be so sudden bruh 😭 think abt it for a bit

[suffocatingdisinterest]

i got arkham knight and went to play the ar feature and got my ass HANDED to me with catwoman. i don’t even know what right click does in combat bruh

BIT THE POSE SHE LMADED IN IS SO FUCKIGN FUNNYYYYYY

[suffocatingdisinterest]

(saccharine by jazmin bean) SHES SO REALLLLLL leave before i crave you. my teeth are bared and my quills are roused as you drift dangerously close to my bubble, for i have been hurt here before and you will have to love the pain to be loved by me

my pain and me are soul-bound, star-crossed lovers, you will have to embrace it before you can wholly embrace me

But also i just adore this song in general bc i was playing it 24/7 all throughout 2021. this shit was my JAM. and it still is cause it slaps without being overtly and obnoxiously sexual (still love you black dresses! just different time different taste). and cuz im mental 😽

[suffocatingdisinterest]

IM WINNINGGGG IM GETTING ARKHAM KNIGHT ON STEAM 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[suffocatingdisinterest]

i played with friends and played with family and had fun

but i couldn’t keep it

the enthusiasm waned and i had already gotten tired of everything before it ended. but now i miss it. cleaned my room up a bunch though so im chillin chillin ykyk 😽

side from that everything’s just ughhh i need a higher dose. legitimately weed would prolly do me better than this awkward ass dosage of 15mg. like yeah cool increments of 5 but cmon i can do 20 ive done it before. fuck ive taken 25 once and that day went without a hitch.

but then i think abt saying it and realize thats too druggie to admit and then theyll take my meds from me and keep an eye on them and then i wont be able to have good days

it’s all just so ughhh i wish i could just take all my friends and go to the woods and live there with them. or just me fuck ill go visit them

i wanna see them more. they’re so far away it’s sad. but then it sounds clingy and it feels awkward to admit. like i like you??? no we ain’t platonic we 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓀tonic 👅👅👅 (impregnation joke)

[suffocatingdisinterest]

today was a good day

[suffocatingdisinterest]

oh my god i need someone to fuck me

like actually just a quickie and ill be fine

but my wimpy ass is too scared to ask or talk to anyone bout it even though im average enough to get at least one bite

[suffocatingdisinterest]

it’s weird how much i hate using earphones. it feels so debilitating and unnatural to be unable to hear people, it scares me a bit. i do like music blasting straight into my earholes though thas fun

[suffocatingdisinterest]

hes so real bruh. my fave man out there

[suffocatingdisinterest]

ALSO OH MY GODDDDDD i keep having this like character series/theme idea of making characters based off this one ao3 fic’s chapter names

like drooling oh my goddddd it’s perfect

[suffocatingdisinterest]

also everything is so exhausting

even just interest. i can’t even look at shows without considering it some form of commitment and therefore becoming afraid of the guilt or disappointment that might come from not finishing or watching it in the naive and bright-eyed way i might’ve in my youth

but also it’s kinda funny to think of how much i yearn for that but also how there’s always the VERRYYYYYY likely chance that my tastes have changed and the things that interest me now might’ve disgusted or just been flat out boring to my younger self

but also even with people it’s sad because i can’t bring myself to be genuine or genuinely interested in someone if they don’t align with my own suffering. im just nice for nice’s sake, and if we’re blurring the lines between casual and intimate, it’ll take some time to ride that out. happened before and it’ll happen again, hardly any difference between either time— the past or the future, i don’t remember my reference point but at least now i know i can get through it

[suffocatingdisinterest]

NEW GAME NEW GAME NEW GAMEEEEEE

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Like even if it’s just my body or an aspect or the facade or the fact that I look like someone I just want someone to want a part of me. I’ll hide everything I need to, just love me through my clumsy tests of what you can handle

I want someone to love me

[suffocatingdisinterest]

I want someone to love me

[suffocatingdisinterest]

also found a thing on March 5th 12:45 am

read belowww

I think I want to get worse. To prove a point, in some way. “Your life doesn’t have to be all bad to end at your own hand,” or something along those lines. I’ve hardly anything to worry over, but the nights pale and near the morning’s brightness; life bleeds into midnight and suddenly I’ve hardly any time to unwind, lest my mind be spared a moment from nearly self-inflicted anxiety. Ungrateful, hypocritical, and two-faced is what I am, in addition to my cowardly nature. One might see me as evil, some goon to take out for a greater purpose, and I don’t disagree with that hypothetical. Greater purpose or not, I’m more of an accent to the main course; the title of appetizer, purse-pooch, breadcrumb trail, minion, or wristwatch would fit me, and I’d hardly any room to protest when I ignore and propagate it like one does when saddled with a mild cold. My presence may be an ailment, but if it is, I will be sure to spread as best as I can.

I am considering killing myself though. In honest truth, I’m not sure I can get through this without medication or anything of the sort. I hate how flippant and drastic I get, and I just want to be normal. I want to be loved and to have someone to love, to understand and be understood by the people I want, to collaborate and introduce and inspire, to be something I wanted (however unconsciously) when I was younger. I want to help. I want to help, regardless of age, and regardless of relationship. A stranger or a friend, an enemy or a lover, I want to be able to help, be it due to some need for superiority and adoration, genuine kindness, or for the purpose of getting something out of the subject, I’d still like it.

But I don’t think I can be saved, no matter how hard I wish for it. I can only be listened to and understood, I can only have someone be there for me. Aside from that, the best one could do is kill me. Preferably something painless, but I don’t believe I’d much mind the pain in the past or future if it was with love. Cannibalism and the likes is interesting to me, in the same vein as the desecration of a human being. Some morbid sort of fascination, like the inherent arousal when greeted with sudden stimulus. Interest and curiosity, to scan and observe to store the gathered information for later, because we depend on knowledge for survival. We need to gauge whether one is a threat or not, and to do that, we must analyze each and every possible movement with the keenest of eyes do not to lose ourselves to the unknown.

Goodnight.