sufiphilosopher

[sufiphilosopher]

Fascinated by this combination.

[sufiphilosopher]

WAIT I HAVE AN AWESOME HOUSE DESIGN

[sufiphilosopher]

the bond between two mutuals who've never talked but have the same taste. energetically, psychically aligned. sisters in vibes

[sufiphilosopher]

Temple T-Kimono by T-Michael, modelled by Paul Marcel M.

Kvant-1 Studios, 2020

[sufiphilosopher]

the page is empty and i fill it with meaning,

meaning dependent on identity, says ocean vuong.

it would be a great shame to write towards misperception

so i write towards what i am fooled into knowing, myself.

a self that is wind

a life that is song.

i re-read my thesis to remember who i used to be,

gay and intellectual, caffeinated and exhausted.

today i am hungry with desire for a man to hold me close. i wake up before the sun does and recite remembrances. i am filled with hope for a day when the husband Allah has written for me recites in unison.

la ilaha il Allah

is a treasure trove of meaning

irrespective of identity/crying out for contemplation

[sufiphilosopher]

its been many blinks of these eyelids since i last wrote a poem. its terrifying to meet yourself, you know. its far more terrifying to meet Allah. i try to meet Him now because I must anticipate the illumination, be it fire or nur. i try to sound sophisticated, philosophical. i try to find myself.

giving myself grace looks like sobbing to God after masturbating. and publishing that on the internet for someone, maybe no one, to read. i can only write poems about myself it seems. daughter of a narcissist,

somebody's child. belonging not even to myself

but to Him alone. i think about the books i've read and the words i've flushed forth and the ideas i've let float by

and how i stopped smoking weed one month ago and must remember how to meet myself.

im on my period and cry for 'no reason'. this world is a prison in which reasoning sits in the panopticon's watchtower

and fuck, i'm forced to watch this life go by in moments and discomforts and salahs and tears.

that sounds dismissive of the anarchic glory of this world - know that it is not. there is so much space for a lack of clarity to frolick. there is so much openness for me to say things in one moment,

and let go of them the next. let go, then let go again.

i remember that i was in 'love' last month. i wasn't. i liked being told i was big and beautiful and intense and perfect. i liked being desired. i liked how he was a man and i was a woman,

for once.

i liked his accent and his car. i would roll the sunroof down and put my hand up on the freeway. i loved to feel the wind pushing my hand back, sometimes fantasizing about my muscles being pulled by force, tendon by tendon.

i started eating meat and no longer feel disgust at eating flesh; i crave it. i like kofta and kebab and sausage and fried chicken. this too is poetry.

i threw away all my dildos and vibrators and rolling papers / my pipe, my ashtrays, my grinder. my indica and sativa and hybrids and mullein mix. i let go of clothes i did not wear and objects with images.

i decided i would be a Muslim.

i'm terrified of my future husband reading this and judging me. please do, for i am human. and i refuse shame. tears in my eyes and scars on my teeth,

i refuse shame.

please love me, i whisper to everything al-Qayyum.

i already do, the world replies, smile plastered on its Face.

i miss the mysticism of .... lost my train of thought hearing my roommate have sex with her boyfriend. Ya Allah....

living with my roommate sucks.

i'm letting myself complain. i allow myself to live. i invite love. if my future husband is reading this,

just know that i have loved you before i knew you

because Allah wrote you for me.

[sufiphilosopher]

Dominick Fernow on weaponized artistry (x).

[sufiphilosopher]

ya allah

this soul yearns for the fullest expression of Your Beautiful Names.

ya rabb

my soul cries out for You.

[sufiphilosopher]

a persian friend asks me over dinner what i think about the Qur'an and its complex invitations to surrender.

and i want to tell them

that there is no me, them, restaurant, without this Qur'an

and that in it i found my mother's name. woven in between

breaths and words that might be sounds or vibrations or chakra-tuned hums, you may come to know the necessity

of the stonings amidst the Light.

what i really say is a prayer

asking for my own coming to know

what i think about the Qur'an.

[sufiphilosopher]

i am saying no to an anxious mode of being.

nah, youre not for me, anymore.

there is a Qur'anic Truth commanding me to

take my time

and

be in each moment

precisely where He placed me. there is a reward beyond measure for me

i am choosing to be patient.

with myself.

there is no where to go.

and i am worth waiting for.

i am worth waiting for.

i am worth moving slow for. please move slow for me

slow and deep

like the strokes i dream of.

sticky honey trapped in my hips

coax it out of me?

smoke does that...

11:31 again and i see more clearly than i have in months

my eyes open wider

i am more focused - i am Here, i am not mean to myself for being imperfect

i love not focusing on being perfect

i love just me and just flowing and just being and everything. being okay. this is everything.

i consist of choices. hegel?

i consist of bone, brittle and heavy

and fluid energy.

happy to be alive. really really alive now. 22. new vision. alhamdulilah

[sufiphilosopher]

finally some good philosophy

[sufiphilosopher]

you have to understand kittens will be tiny sometimes and that is because they are small

[sufiphilosopher]

AND GOD IS LOVE AND

god is LOVE AND

GOD is love

i asked Her to show me how beautiful She was

and i found myself struck by her reflection

in the pool of eternity!

oh father mother god

i do not need to drown to witness your majesty

cleanse me bathe me let the wind clear dust from my eyes

i find the air soaked in homilies

fingers twisted in Her hair

skin soft with the fragrance of living

[sufiphilosopher]

WISDOM she says its okay to be unintelligable

she says here you are, mother.

here you are child. in my arms so safe

a journey so divine

ya prince of peace

ya king of kings

where has poetry been, all along?

allgoes along the racing path

tumbling brickstone artist’s clash

tumbling tracing

lips on my own skin

joy.

oh joy that i deserve. oh poetic voice

of mine i

i love to hear you speak. did you know that your voice belongs to nations?

and that Khadijah speaks through you?

feel your soul humbled. trust.

what you were enough right now? what if i told you you were? what if i told you

the secrets of ALLAH

lie right between your lips?

and if you produce what YOU LIKE

YOU!!!!

its bound to resonate somehow somewhere

what if the whisperings of the universe

were right between your two lips?

smileeeee with me

open wide. i long to live between your lips[

forever….

take me with you. lead me there, ALLAH.

i miss what i know most.

baby honey angel LIGHT

YA ALLAH i am here

here i home

here

here

here

there you are. oh!

guide me closer ya allah

mountains and oceans

rivers gushing from yourself

digital girl in an analog world?

meet me here

out where jusice hides

and angels play.

oh how i love you

oh how i love you

oh how my whole life

is just for you.

make these pages tender with my wisdom

in humble servitude to you

and i prostrate. and i live.

and i tumble forwards

back to back to back to

i am home. ya ALLAH the best of writers

poets anxiety

poets JOY use me as your pen ya ALLAH

what if to be art you

had to be vulnerable

and what if to be a mystic you

had to be brave?

remind them who the fuck you are

baby princess angel child

light upon light upon

me. i love you. i am ready to be loved.

[sufiphilosopher]

you are so much easier to love than you think you are – you don’t see all of the wonderful parts of you that shine through when you’re doing something you love, when you’re interacting with a stranger, and when you’re simply existing

[sufiphilosopher]

the minute was a miracle

and i was not afraid to fly.

[sufiphilosopher]

scar shaped like arabic

some quranic challenge

a secret presupposed

oh, life

never will i stop learning

always may i stay humbled

building a ship on the ocean’s waves.