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Draft: The one that got away

Journal - yet to be characterised and storied for anonymity I have rewritten this a few times - there’s so many thoughts/feelings i’d like to get on paper but this is the pragmatic summary that i’ve settled for. After an accidental but memorable hook up several weeks ago, I kept in touch with this person I barely knew. I’d found myself in a daily dialogue with someone with whom I had no interest in befriending beyond a certain level (another story for this blog). I am still managing my depression and have carefully chosen the small circle of friends who I give my very limited time, energy and love. After the hook up I was being my usual nice person but this girl was very eager to actually get to know me and the more I casually revealed about myself, the more I could sense she was growing a liking. It was at this point I was reminded that I have a real value proposition - i’m a conscious, kind and smart guy who’s wired to seek growth in life. I have aspirations, am cultured and look after my family. All my friends tell me i’m an absolute charm and i’ve had no difficulty in initially impressing someone - my struggle was always in finding a person that could nurture me in return. I have since radically distanced from this person and I realised that empty sex is far the last thing I want to be doing.. I need to find my heart and soul a home which I can settle into and leverage for my recovery. I needed to get back out there and I finally did it - I signed up to a few dating apps. I had a friend help me pick out the best pics of me (I had a different set in mind) and the app remembered my profile description from ~14 months back, just needed a few tweaks and I was good to go. First day I got talking to a few girls but I instantly realised that I am not the person that i’m trying to sell, my mound is wound with anxieties and my exhaustion for everything in life, onset by the depression, has dwindled my value proposition to barely anything that it was. I am no longer that gym rat who tutored on weekends and worked on cars, cooked meals for home, went on long hikes - i’d even dropped the yoga. I matched a a variety of girls all of whom had a unique appeal to, the prospect of getting to know them and filtering them through my lenses of compatibility (personal/family/culture) There was this one girl though - who brought a different energy with her and really caught my attention that night. I recognised this energy, it was pure and authentic. Instantly I thought that this is a very sweet girl that I have no business entertaining - she was clearly on her own journey, falling in love with herself and the life she’s been blessed with. We spoke for a few hours; we recognised one anothers energy, humour and vibes. She was the awesome badass woman for me, we were building a promising proposition of love, laughter and cuddles. It was the kiss of life, to the depleted heart I carried with me. By the second day I told myself to slow it down, despite not having felt like this in such a magnitude before, I realised that I needed to present the real me, my family and the point of life i’m at. What I didn’t ever think in a million years was how openly she’d accept it all and was ready to stand by my side as we built something special together with nuclear synergy. The love was contagious.. she’d tell me about her aspirations of opening her own pre-school, how she reads her ‘laila’ when she’s sad (she said it the way my mum does, this was so powerful), she paid for her mum’s umrah (instantly made me think of how I failed to pay for my parents’ Hajj the prior year - I realised this was my second opportunity - to one day take her and her mum to Hajj) and I couldn’t stop playing back the vision of her ideal dream with me - brunch/afternoon tea with a nice walk and a cosied up intimate conversation. She had such a love for family, something I do too deep down but she manifested it in a way that i’ve never seen before. Her motivation to love her family was intoxicating and it really got me thinking about all the ways i’d like to retry connecting with my family. She was the girl i’d want to pray with one my wedding night - I’ve loved and hurt many times before and I knew this was different/special/worth holding onto. Whilst this all sounds like a fairy tale, what I cannot articulate is that despite not being a Dr or not being into gym didn’t cross my mind. it was the purity and genuineness of this girl that made me realise that love, chemistry and vibe is what the soul needs, not some crazy competence or intelligence. We joked, loved and connected. Her smile radiated in her snaps, her happiness was infectious and her eyes showed the strength of her soul. It was clear it was an aged soul, one that came out victorious against the battle of life and she had chosen love. She is going to be the mother of some loved and cherished hearts and I could have been the one to educate those kids about the world. It would have been perfect ! I realised that whilst we would be perfect and happy together. I know I have the capacity to love someone purely, i’ve done it before on countless occasions - i’ve touched souls and changed whole life trajectories but i’ve rarely ever had any positive experience for myself. I have one bruised egg left and it can only go in one basket - I told myself to be careful putting it in this one as it was still extremely early on but I had this puppy love excitement that you don’t want to shake off. Day 3 we realised a huge conflict of interest - a childhood best-friend that i’d dated before (will be journaled here in due time). A young and innocent relationship - between 17 - 19, it lasted about a year an a few months before I broke it off. We got back together once 6m later but didn’t last long at all. It was a sufficient relationship to call it young love, we traveled London together, I told her about my aspirations for life and the journey I’m on, we went to reading festival, enjoyed long road trips and just overall good vibes. She however wasn’t the one for me and I knew that, we came from different backgrounds and I knew that once she’d moved away to uni, it would bring our relationship to an organic end. What’s tragic is that she is the worst personality to be on the receiving end of news that her sister in law’s younger sister has fallen in love with her high school bf. Notorious for connivery and capacity to be cruel, it was obvious that if this beautiful relationship were to naturally blossom and thrive, it wouldn’t be long before the ex we do not ever speak of - caught wind and would probably make it her life mission to jinx and bewitch the most evilest of eyes over us and the family. This really broke my heart - that relationship was an isolated instance of teenage memories since which i’ve evolved 3 times over. I would like to genuinely hope that it was the same the other way around but I really don’t know and I don’t think I want to put my love through a lifetime of potential torture. I really don’t know if a royal pardon would even suffice. We realised this on the evening of day 3 and it cut me to shreds. We agreed we wouldn’t let it dampen the vibes, I then made one of the biggest mistake i’d ever made, there was so much momentum to my falling that by the next morning I was thinking of ways i’d tell my mum and all the ways I could support this girl on a lifelong journey of companionship and happiness.  I was sending cute texts at 5am when I woke up and knew that there was someone out there who was making me whole again, giving me another fresh go at life. I should have kept my mind shut but the excitement and distraction from the depression was intoxicating. This was day 4 - it was the fell for and lost one of the most beautiful women i’ve ever come across. Day 4 ended with a horrible heartbreak when we both realised that it was genuinely too problematic to pursue this, twin tracked with the depression that was looming over me during this holiday break, it brought me to my knees. I cried, I hurt and I mourned the loss of something special. This felt like the biggest break/hope in 2 years of my gradual decline but its turned out to be the thousandth cut. it hit me hard and I hurt a lot - what’s worse was that the next day was a tough day for her and her family and I really wanted to be there for her. I was excited to show my first gesture of love by supporting her through this day. Day 5 instead consisted of me waking in the morning, missing her dearly, wishing she were with me. I was fighting off the sharpest pain in my heart and naval. It was the pain of heartbreak. Realised that I desperately needed picking up before I started work (day 7) - I sought to busy myself with a productive day and grief this loss in whatever way came naturally. I cleaned, cooked, did some DIY repairs, yoga, worked out and re-organised my room. I then sat down with a book, prayed and now i’m here writing this journal. Throughout the day, I couldn’t help replaying the same things in my mind - why did I fall for her so hard, why am I in such heartbreak, why have I gone to the lengths to write this and is there any light at the end of this tunnel. I know for a fact that if she wanted to still try pursue something, I would vow that this is the basket I put my last egg in and should it break, I will be there to take responsibility, protect and support her and make sure that the glass always remains half full. Realistically we may never get back together - i’m not worth the detriment of her sister and I accept that. I would be willing to do anything I could do liaise with concerned stakeholder sand resolve an amicable agreement/blessing for us to be happy together without something coming back to haunt us. Reflecting on my history with the person in question hugely throws this into doubt especially if she can’t handle the fact that i’ve found love elsewhere. This heartbreak is so real that this journal simply does not do it justice. Instead I hope that this journal will allow me to make peace with the one that got away - despite not having memories - we had vibes and feelings and so this emotional rollercoaster had a high that I never want to forget.