sugarbeau16

[sugarbeau16]

the amount of shit i have to endure

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we always need to do a step back, see how things pan out from a distance

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🥹

the intimacy of "how do you know that?"

"because I know you."

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i hope to have a plot twist that i deserve

[sugarbeau16]

A memoir to my old love

It’s been a year since i last saw you,

funny how it pans out in the end.

Me hugging your family out and you,

the classic you.

Unbothered, coward and ashamed.

Beneath the sad boy look~ lies the relief i know you have.

The peace of being yourself, procrastinating, ambiguous, sluggish and naive.

Freed by all the pressures of this life.

And me, people think life was better for me until someone sees me in the red light.

People see me as strong and brave leaving you,

but utterly it’s just the last gift i could ever give you.

Far from my over-achieving, far-fetched dreams.

That’s the sad thing about starting young and not growing up,

Pressure will always try to break in,

But we know it wasn’t just that.

Well i know what i felt and it’s just not the most glorious sight i’d say.

Losing sight of what we deserve in the face of love will creep in too deep you’d find trauma in your every fiber.

Waiting for change may take a toll on life as well.

I guess i woke up late or maybe God cared too much He knew we need saving

Or maybe it was just right timing for all things to go its way.

One thing i am sure of,

is now, nothing is ever sure.

You wake up one day, looking at the love your life and not imagine a single day without him then,

Another day you wake up feeling all alone, curled up in your room wondering what went wrong.

What if i stayed? what if i gave it a chance?

Should i fight for this love? Was it my fault?

A cycle of yes and nos.

A self inflicted trauma spinning and suffocating piling up until your eyes swell with tears, asking all the whys.

But life is just too much. It wont let you peek for an answer,

It will let you ruin your liver, kiss many frogs, hurt yourself with hangovers and all the shit you have to do just to let you feel alive.

And here is the more painful question.

Do i even deserve love?

Will it ever choose me?

Will i ever be enough?

Down all the feelings spiraling, fuck.

So let’s go back to you.

I hope you’re having an awesome time knowing that i have given up on us.

That i will never set foot on that room to beg you to understand me again.

That this time, i will never translate my soul just for you to figure out the things i need.

I will never ever go back to thinking what to feed you, or however people will see the kind of person you are.

No, not anymore.

Today i choose to be here for my self,

i may have treated my life in such a pitiful way, putting others first and losing my self too much,

but now, even if self love is the only love around,

i’d try to be content, and happy.

Because, it is the only love that is so secured and true.

If love comes around, i hope its genuine, healing and profound. Unselfish and loyal.

I pray for you to find me and i hope, i will be the better version of me.

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there are people you’ve just met and they mean the world to you.

even if you’ve spent a decade translating your soul to your past cannot equate to the spark and genuine connection you can have if you share the same fate with the person you’ve just met.

time moves at different paces. you could’ve just spent a year together, but you know deep inside this is quite different from all the others. this might be it or what i really don’t know.

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could it be that the stars we see at night are the people who left the world so early?

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An Open Letter to You

my wish would be that i have met you in my most healed version, and that i wasn’t really afraid to love with all my heart.

and that i would’ve seen you in a better light, far from my inhibitions and doubts and fears of waking up next day thinking of the possibility that you will not love me anymore.

i wish i have never experienced that before, so there will be no concept of betrayal ever in my life, so i could’ve trusted you completely and just believe what my eyes can see.

i wish you could’ve seen my most confident era, far from the comparisons i have made up in my mind when i lost to love the first time.

so i could never had these second thoughts that you will ever leave me for someone who could possibly be better, more beautiful, wittier and funnier than i was.

i wish we saw each other in a better place, in a much better time, when were both the best versions of ourselves, because i know deep down, we are two good people who lost to love, to the battles of life and the poverty and the hurt alike.

i will have to end this with deeper sorry, because spending time with you was just the greed of me. i knew i wasn’t the best at the moment, but i promise you that the most parts was me authentically loving, pouring my heart out, however please leave the crying moments, the drunken nights and the sadness you may have felt sometimes because the hurt was just too great and too deep it oozes out, and goes unconcealed.

pardon my love, this is my first life too. i tried. honestly tried to make it and i wish i could’ve spent in a much perfect world, where i could save just everyone i love but then the reality is, i couldn’t even save my self. i couldn’t even discern that love wasn’t there for me anymore or if will i ever find it in this life? i wish, i can only wish.

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One of the hardest goodbyes is when we love someone and at the same time see that it is impossible to build a healthy relationship with them.

Staying means to continue waiting for changes that won't come, tolerating actions that hurts us, accepting the bare minimum and losing ourselves in the process.We know walking away will hurt, but it is the road to healing, staying will continue to open the wounds more and more.

Sometimes you choose to leave, not because of lack of love towards this person, but because you realize the lack of love you’ve been giving yourself. Remember, it is your own love that makes you take care of yourself, and with this love you leave and never look back.

ccto Daniel Hickman fb page

[sugarbeau16]

is it a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeves and just be fleeting in love?

Imagine just craving for love for the sum of your life?

Trying to just seek just one thing, and that is to love and be loved

What could be better?

is it not to put yourself out there and keep it in, stuck and dark?

I always wonder why life goes this way

it always fall, always seems to have a great start

and somewhere in between, it sucks and what? why do i have to suck it all in?

i don't know if i was the problem or what could be anyway

i really thought i was loving the right way.

so basically, am writing again, because i can't seem to process all my "could've beens" it is so fucked up to be the person losing in the end, why do shitty things happen to good people?

i was wondering what did i miss all along?

today, is a sad day, but maybe it was meant to be sad everyday?

i loved maybe a little this time, i was hoping just a tad i won't have to end it in my mind. You are still here, but my mind is already killing you over and over. I can't be the same anymore because lies are the ultimate love killer.

I am so sorry self, i am fucked up once again, but this time a little happier than before, is it a progress i don't know, but does it hurt, yes it does, not so much, but it does.

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heartbreak after another, will it ever rest?

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and oh God its creeping up on my heart again, i need to put an end to this feeling, this grief and heartbreak all at once.

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i don’t wanna lose my self anymore

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how to ever get over this

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I made this piece a few months back and it took me enough mental strength to finally post what I have. The older version seemed somber and still, so I intensified the melancholy look, on how grief and heartache can continue to hold on after the moment(s) has passed.

But instead of trying to "Not think about it" or forget, sometimes it's best to get in tune with how you're feeling, imagining this feeling like a temporary visitor. Sit with it, hold its hand, tell it, "I see you, I hear you," and when you're ready, let them leave, until the next time if or when they come back.

Here's to peace, here's to healing, and here's to feeling your feelings this holiday season ✨